This ****’s been going on,
for far too long.
It took me talking to him,
to know something was wrong.

It started as a whisper,
so quiet and weak.
I could force it to silence,
without having to speak.

Then my mind and body,
started to waste.
He started to gorge,
and fell in love with the taste.

My slow decline,
was the foothold he needed,
and his tendrils grew,
where I didn’t know they were seeded.

His control grew bigger,
till it shadowed my mind,
and the whiskey fog I was in,
had simply turned me blind.

Then one day I was through,
enough was enough.
I was going to take control,
I had to be tough.

That was the first time,
that he spoke to me,
and that “no” was enough,
to finally make me see.

I tried and I tried,
again and again,
crying through his laughter,
trying to pour him out through a pen.

He was poison,
like a cancer you see.
He was killing us both,
but everyone just blamed me.

Then one day I realized,
I couldn’t get rid of that voice.
To do that meant death,
and that wasn’t a choice.

He’s a part of me,
but disconnected too.
A bystander to the hell,
that he’s putting me through.

Now every day is a struggle,
to quiet his voice.
Trying to convince myself,
that I do have a choice.

So he’s here to stay,
the monkey on my back.
The ominous stranger,
who calls himself, Jack.

“I don’t know what to do”,
she says quietly.
“I know it sounds paranoid,
but he’s following me.”

“I talked to his sister,
she said he’s out of state.
Supposedly in Ohio,
cause he needed a break.”

“But no one’s heard from him,
since I got the P.O.
He always said they were useless,
just false safety for show.”

“Well of course he isn’t,
he left this last night.
He has the only spare key,
and I know I locked up tight.”

“I’ve never seen that picture,
but I still have that dress.
He bought it for me,
and it’s the one he liked best.”

“But turn it over,
and look what he wrote.
It’s ******* filthy,
that part about *******.”

“I’m just really scared,
because I know he’s watching.
I constantly have the feeling,
someone’s following me.”

“Would you do me a favor,
and stay with me tonight?
I probably won’t sleep,
but if you’re there I might.”

“Thank you so much,
you are such a great friend.
Just having a man there,
makes a difference in the end.”

“I’ll see you tonight,
thank you so much again.
He always hated you,
even though we’re just friends.”
.
.
.
.
I watch out the window,
as she climbs in her car.
She doesn’t suspect it’s me,
at least not so far.

She didn’t ask why I was sweating,
or see the dirt under my nails.
Thank God she was upset,
and didn’t notice the smell.

I keep watching,
till she drives away,
touching myself,
as I play out the day.

She was right about one thing,
he’s still around,
but he won’t leave my basement,
once he’s in the ground.

Maybe I’ll get lucky,
and she’ll wear the dress.
He did have good taste,
cause it’s the one I liked best.

I remember the way you looked,
the night we first met.
It seems like ages ago,
when your last name was Arivett.

Blonde hair and that sweater,
the one I loved so much.
It was light grey,
and so soft to the touch.

I brought you carnations,
that were white as pearl,
but I saved back three,
for your little girl.

You both met me at the door,
and she was super shy.
She giggled an squealed,
holding her flowers tight.

I was never dating you,
it was all of us.
Three against the world,
that’s how it always was.

Then we moved away,
and you got pregnant.
I was so **** thrilled,
but you didn’t want to keep it.

I was hurt and confused,
but I blamed the hormones.
I guess I should have seen,
when I saw that message on your phone.

I didn’t even know the dude,
because you never told me,
but the pic that he sent you,
should have made me see.

But I forgave that,
and I moved on,
till I found out you ****** him,
and then the trust was gone.

Still I forgave you,
and put it out my head.
I ignored all the warnings,
because of things you said.

Now you are gone,
and took our little girl.
And Bub is a hostage,
and ****’s starting to swirl.

Everything that I have,
is a memory of you.
Memories that grow darker,
cause they’re only half truths.

The cards and the notes,
that I store away.
I want them to be real,
but if they were you’d have stayed.

Your love was a lie,
that you built so well,
that you couldn’t imagine the damage,
when it finally fell.

Now I’m the one that’s digging through,
trying to make the pieces fit.
I can’t move on until it’s done,
but you simply don’t give a ****.

I just wish you’d tell me,
if it was real or if it was fake.
Tell me it was just a nightmare,
for my sanity’s sake.

I’m not gonna lie
and tell you I’m ok.
Just please tell me,
how much longer do I have to pay?

I know the pain will never end,
I just want some ******* relief.
Cause I cannot keep doing this,
and the memories are growing teeth.

There used to be a fire,
that burned inside of me.
I never had to tend it,
it had always just burned free.

It roared so fiercely,
and burned so ******* bright.
It kept me moving forward,
and broke the darkness with its light.

Then something started changing,
and the light began to dim.
The flames began to lessen,
and they never grew again.

Every day that passed,
the fire was less and less.
And the darkness creeped in,
making my direction a guess.

Then one day it flickered,
guttered, and died.
The darkness consumed me,
and I grew cold inside.

Now I just stumble,
trying to relight my flame.
But I can’t see where I’m going,
all this black looks the same.

I just need a spark,
to rekindle my soul.
And if I can’t find it,
then I’ll never be whole.

Today I’ll ponder,
on these scars.
Tonight I’ll wish,
upon a star.

Tomorrow may bring,
another wound,
but wounds can heal,
if treated soon.

Yesterday,
I thought of death,
and felt the wind,
sigh with his breath.

Not today,
he whispered clear,
perhaps tomorrow,
but do not fear.

In the end,
he comes to all.
The weak, the strong,
the big and small.

He’s timeless and constant,
Death’s always “been”,
and he has no pity,
foe or friend.

He’ll lead me on,
to the unknown,
giving me the thing,
he can never own.

So I will not fear him,
and I shall not fret.
For tomorrow,
has not happened yet.

“You can do this”,
I whisper to myself.
“The past is done,
so put it on the shelf”.

I’ve told myself this,
so many times.
I’ve wrote reams of content,
full of self hate in rhymes.

I would go along,
slowly gaining confidence,
then came the back slide,
and the heartfelt recompense.

Over and over,
never ending it seemed.
Until I thought of an end,
where I could be redeemed.

I wanted to end it,
the pain and the sorrow.
I really didn’t care,
if there was no more tomorrow.

Thinking back now,
I’ve finally realized.
That the hope of an end,
was a bag full of lies.

My pain would end,
by ending my life,
but others pain would grow,
so I had a double edged knife.

That’s when I realized,
I was holding the blade.
No matter how I moved it,
new cuts would be made.

I have to carry this knife,
until the end of all things,
but I can carry it by the hilt,
and end this suffering.

It’s there,
and still sharp,
but it’s at arms length,
away from my heart.

I can keep control,
I know I have to,
and at this moment,
it’s all I can do.

Is today the day,
the day that this all ends?
Is this the day of reckoning,
where I atone for all these sins?

Was that last drink the one,
the one that tipped the scale?
Finally killing my heart,
and turning my skin pale.

Was yesterday the last day,
that I will see my son?
The last day that I’ll hold him,
our final day of fun.

Has circumstance defined me,
or has this been all free will?
Slowly killing myself,
whiskey breath finally still.

So many things I want to know,
that I was to afraid to ask.
Crying crimson tears,
behind a happy ******* mask.

Today I think I’ve done it.
I think I finally went too far.
I finally reached my limit,
thrown out of sorrows bar.

Maybe if there is tomorrow,
I can try to stand again,
or maybe I’ll go further,
and just try to reach the end.

This insanity has cleansed me,
and washed away my skin.
Fear has drove me forward,
running backwards towards begin.

When will this stop?
That’s a question I control.
I can finally end the pain,
and all it cost’s my soul.

So I’ll blow away the fear,
with my final breath,
and try to live with that decision,
of this simple selfish death.