My mind wanders back,
to one year ago,
to the night that we met,
and your radiant glow.

I told you I loved you,
that night as we kissed,
and we both saved each other,
from that dark, cold abyss.

Life was unfair,
to us it had seemed.
Forced to live lives,
that were terrible dreams.

A life without you,
for twenty three years,
making mistakes,
that now seem so clear.

Mistakes that taught me,
that love’s not enough.
Mistakes that taught me,
that even “perfect” is rough.

Our love became rocky,
as you became scared,
and at times I lost faith,
wondering if you cared.

But that promise I made,
to myself that first night,
to never let you go,
without a fight.

I promised I’d save you,
and show you how love could be.
How it felt to be loved,
unconditionally.

You have hurt me, it’s true,
and made me question the truth,
but I never, not once,
lost my faith in you.

Because no matter the fight,
and no matter the lie,
I still see my angel,
that’s buried inside.

The angel you show,
when you think I can’t see.
When you’re giggling and smiling,
and simply care-free.

That’s the woman I’ve loved,
since the day we first met.
A woman with strength,
that she hadn’t found yet.

So remember sweetheart,
that perfect is flawed.
We’ve made it this far,
and we’re still standing tall.

Love’s just a word,
that could never describe,
the way you make me feel,
when I look in your eyes.

The feelings you give me,
and the warmth in my heart,
and the sadness and pain,
when we are apart.

So now as I’m thinking back,
I can’t help but grin,
because there’s not one thing I’d change,
if I could do it again.

Inevitable,
such a strange word.
Impossible,
now that sounds absurd.

Meaning nothing I do,
or say will bring change.
I can tell by your look,
that it’s true, although strange.

Inevitable,
the word of the day.
Impossible,
guess there’s nothing to say...

Underneath the cold moon
In the parking lot I told you
Didn't even know you would take back the hours we wasted
We're frozen in the headlights
We're slipping on the black ice
We're shooting not to act nice
Blood in the air, I could taste it

So I found out through a mutual
The night you said that you went home
You played me like a musical
Said ignorance is beautiful
I found out through a mutual
The night you said that you went home
You tricked me with the dude I know the wrong

You said you wouldn't
But you did it
Why you lying?
I ain't kiddin
Hands numb, can't feel
This love's not real
Now I'm finding
Your handwriting
'Cross the ceiling
Close my eyes and say, "How'd I get here?"
This love's not real

I lost touch with who I am
I am just a hollow man
In love with a hologram
This castle is made of sand
I am just a hollow man
In love with a hologram

Double yellow lines like
Slipping in the black night
I'm losing all my lifelines
Never thought you could erase them

This world is full of hypocrites and ******* claiming innocence
Ya I just came to witness it
And leave here with no fingerprints
This world is full of hypocrites and ******* claiming innocence
We always want to be the prince, but it’s incestuous

You said you wouldn't
But you did it
Why you lying?
I ain't kidding
Hands numb, can't feel
This love's not real
Now I'm finding
Your handwriting
'Cross the ceiling
Close my eyes and say, "How'd I get here?"
This love's not real

I lost touch with who I am
I am just a hollow man
In love with a hologram
This castle is made of sand
I am just a hollow man
In love with a hologram

Cold sweat, shaking with the fever dream
Go back to the same crime scene
Now my ears baby won't stop ringing
My ears, yeah, they won't stop ringing
Cold sweat, shaking with the fever dream
Go back to the same crime scene
Now my ears ya they won't stop ringing

I lost touch with who I am
I am just a hollow man
In love with a hologram
This castle is made of sand
I am just a hollow man
In love with a hologram

Clean me in your river
You can wash me with your water
Purify me till I shiver
Cause I've been seeing ghosts
Is this me finally losing you
Or an optical illusion?
Every beat I make is unfinished
And every song I write is ill conceived
When all the cities fade and they diminish
Will anyone remember you and me?

What is your obsession,
with writing depression?
Just forget about it,
and try to move on.

A therapy session?!
That’s out of the question.
You’re perfectly fine,
if you do that, I’m gone.

Anti-depressants are bad,
you saw what happened to dad,
Do you want to be like a zombie,
now that’s crazy to me.

There’s no reason to be sad,
and I understand that your mad,
but there is key elements here,
that you refuse to see.

I may just be a voice,
but I do have a choice,
and I’m not the problem,
cause I’m basically you.

Alright fine, I get it,
God you sound pathetic,
blaming all your problems,
on what’s in your head.

You want to be sane,
and forget all your pain,
but it’s what makes you you,
so embrace it and move on.

You cannot erase me,
so let’s just let it be.
I can help you get through this,
together, just us.

Alright, put down the pill,
and tell me how you feel.
Oh man I feel weird,
what the **** have you done....

Staring at the ceiling,
what the hell is this feeling?
I can’t make up my mind,
of what’s real and what’s fake.

If I’m not dreaming,
then who is that screaming?
No one seems to hear it,
so that’s a mistake.

In front of the mirror,
and all I see is me,
but the me that I see,
is not who he seems to be.

Something’s not right,
in the little details,
in the colors and smells,
this is not re-al-i-ty.

I can see movement,
in the corner of my eyes,
something alive,
that’s not there when I look.

It’s like I’m in between worlds,
where time doesn’t exist,
the soundless abyss,
being dragged down by a hook.

This detox is different,
something is wrong,
I knew all along,
but that brings no relief.

This panic, is manic,
now I’m feeling frantic,
how can a person,
forget to breathe?

It’s feels like the weight,
on my shoulders has lifted,
but it’s only shifted,
and been placed on my chest.

My mind has grown muddy,
and I got nothing left,
fighting and struggling,
for every breath.

Clutching at myself,
as the tremors start.
Is it my heart?
Bring in the crash cart.

I hear someone say,
“place this under your tongue,
let it dissolve and don’t chew”,
but my tongue has gone numb.

I watch the walls bend,
and then I start to scream.
I’d like to believe it’s a dream,
but I’m not that dumb.

I can hear ambulance sirens,
so distant, and close,
but I’ve gone morose,
all I feel is the pain.

Houston, are you there?
All connections are down,
I can’t hear a sound,
I think I’ve gone insane.

Looking back on these pages,
I can’t help but see,
this outlet I’m using,
is not helping me.

I used to use poetry,
to clear out my thoughts,
to “pour out the poison”,
when I was distraught.

Lately, however,
it’s changed in some way.
That feeling of peace,
has been replaced with dismay.

I would pour out a rhyme,
and the pain would recede,
but now the water grows deeper,
and I simply can’t breathe.

I look around lately,
and this feels like a dream.
It’s like nothing is real,
just “simulated reality”.

Going through the motions,
but there has to be more,
there has to be substance,
but where is the shore?

How do I stop from drowning,
when I’m creating the waves?
Fighting to stay afloat,
and trying to act brave.

I guess the simple answer is,
is it’s not simple at all.
I have to keep trying,
if I can’t walk then I’ll crawl.

**** all the whining,
the excuses too,
because I’m in this alone,
and I know what to do.

I won’t give up easy,
and if I should fail,
then at least I’ll know I tried,
to open my sail.

So here’s to the future,
and a heart I hope mends,
but even if it doesn’t,
we’re all just stories in the end.

Sometimes I lie awake at night, unable to sleep, and my thoughts drift towards you.
Our first kiss, in what became “our” booth at “our” restaurant.
I was shy, scared to make the first move, scared of being rejected so my mouth ran away with itself, all the while my mind screaming at me to shut up.
I was looking into your eyes, thinking how beautiful they were, and rambling. Then, it happened. That click, that unmistakable sensation of tumblers falling into place somewhere inside of me as I watched you.
You kissed me.
It was electric, like a charge running through bare wire, and the world simply fell away. Nothing mattered except for your lips, and my hands in your hair, and the sweet sensation of those tumblers clicking into place.
I knew I loved you then.
I think about that, and then I wonder how it could have went so wrong. How could a moment, a feeling, as strong as that lead to this?
Love turning to bitterness, and hatred, and regret.
Then the dust settles, and it all boils away and the bad memories are the first to go. The memories of the fights, and the suspicions, and the stupid choices that were made.
Then you are left with the good memories, the memories that seem to cut you harder than anything else could because of the simplicity of them.
They are memories of the love, the looks, the trust, and they make you want to pick up your phone and send that simple “I’m sorry”....but you are too afraid.
That first kiss though, that was real. Those feelings were real, and that memory is worth the pain.
Our booth. Our restaurant.
Our love.