Drip drip drip just one at a time but those drops add up and the water climbs.
I feel it coming cant lock it inside, the weight the heavy pressure the landslide.
The storm its raging just beneath, barely controlled no sign of relief.
So much baggage so I begin to bail, but with the rate it keeps coming i am going to fail.
I stuff and i stuff until theres no space. Try not to let it show just keep up the pace.
Drowning inside losing touch with reality. I am trying , But the waters so high i can barely see.
Praying for a way of rescue, or even a life raft.
But somehow it seems they all just sail past.
Your fault you didn’t reach out and grab hold
Why are you so weak you need to be bold.
But you don’t know the anchors tied to me.
Pulling me back under where you cant see.
Cut them all loose and swim away fast.
Its not that easy the connections are vast.

Life is messy constantly in motion, up and down like the swells of the ocean.
From happy to sad in the blink of an eye. From saying hello to kissing goodbye.
Characters weave in and out in a consistent flow. Some leave when you want them to stay and others stay when you wish they’d go!
Watching in slow motion like a spectator not a player, trying to decipher, unpack the chaos  layer by layer.
Figure out how to just live in peace and contentment, so tired of the fray and leftover resentment!
Want to be one way strong, faithful and kind. But my own brokenness has fractured my mind.
I act in a way i wish i would not, swore I would do better next time, but then i forgot.
Desire to be a loving example to all of mine, but i open my mouth and i am outta line!
How much longer will i sway in this messy balancing act set on replay?
Beyond time to quit this tightrope and jump down, find true balance with my feet on the ground

I choke on thickness of it as it rolls in. A dark black cloud full of regrets, ifs, whens, and thens.
It fills my eyes, my ears, my lungs. I cant see, hear, or breathe. I taste it on my tongue.
It shatters me from the inside out leaves me on the floor not knowing the way out.
Screaming, clawing, i will not just succumb.
Feel it, breathe it, just don’t let yourself go numb.
I thought i knew my triggers but i keep finding more. This is what happens when the body keeps the score.
It holds records of all the pain…. the tears, and fears; traces of them long after still remain.
I thought I knew you turns out i was wrong. You were someone else all along.
Thought i heard the Lords voice but i think it was mine. I wanted so badly to believe our love was divine.
You and i were not meant to be we have almost destroyed ourselves trying to force opposite polarities.
Bitterness and resentment grows within each our hearts. Poison slowly killing us from our innermost parts.
How long before we admit the ruse. Quit tearing each other apart so afraid to lose.

Every time i think I’ve hit the bottom there is another hole in the floor. Searching for my way out but i cant find the door.
Unstable and unsteady again and again i fall, i am worried when its over there will be nothing left at all.
Crumbling all around me so much that needs repair. Do i keep on  holding it together not giving into despair.
I long for peace like a desert longs for rain, but here i am falling through chaos and pain.
This grief so heavy rising is a chore. Half afraid of /half longing for the day i wont rise anymore.
Just the honest truth my insides feel like a battle torn waste, but on the outside i pull it all back put a smile on my face.
Like planting roses for a structure that has been condemned. Trying to protect something precious but not equipped to defend.
Living in this pattern of hold it together, cry out, crawl, and fall. Nothing that i do seems to matter at all.
Left wondering why i keep fighting when it seems to all end in a mess. I don’t want perfect i just don’t want Aching emptiness.

Time flows by like sand through a sieve.
The  hourglass doesn’t slow or forgive.
My heartbeat pounding in my ears,
next logical step drowned by my fears.
Hard to move forward when you seem frozen in place.
Teetering like a delicate sculpture ready to break.
Shaped by my past my present rips me apart. Choose a path…. But instead i graph and chart.
Which way is best, not painful, truthful no ruse, but the answers don’t line up and so my heart i  just confuse.
Perhaps looking for the path that carries no pain,
Is what is setting me off course making me insane?
It doesn’t really exist, it’s called apathy and going numb.
I don’t want to lose myself to the temptation, i wont succumb.
But what’s the alternative this constant uncertainty, pain, and grief.
Cycle on repeat no break or relief?
Worn out by the burden of carrying it all
pushed beyond capacity becoming small.
I’ve taught myself to be less to avoid the pain
rejection, irritation, anger, being called a drain.
Careful of who i let see more than just a shadow
Hiding behind the image they want to bestow.
I find myself longing to just break free.
Release the self made constraints holding me.

Crazy, jumbled, mixed up, mumbled
Lasting, loving, pushing, shoving
Bending, breaking, giving, taking
Fast, fleeting, rebuilding, bleeding
Truth, lies, failures, trys
How much longer in this way,
crazy narrative set on replay.
Between life and death our story will rise,
amidst our yearning calling out to the skies.  
Our heart so open as our journey begins,
Wandering and searching for where we fit in.
Place after place we try on some new clothes
Uncomfortable in our own skin so it goes.
But more and more we seem to find,
If we cover up we leave us behind.
So we decide to let little parts show,
But then they tear us to shreds tell us go!
So what then everything or nothing at all,
This leaves us scarred and feeling small.
We try and we fail learning as we go,
Trying to cover up not let the scars show.
Until at last we are done with the pretense,
Time to let being who we are commence.
Broken and bleeding on our knees we crawl,
Rebuilding ourselves no longer afraid to fall

Love is a game we like to play, not always sincere with the words we say.
We dance with another drawing each other in like cat and mouse we run away again.
I love you, you love me so anxious to achieve! But once you’re there do you believe?
The words you are saying, the words you hear coming from an immature heart to a deaf ear.
The thrill of the chase of all thats new. When it settles into routine leaves you seeking something true.
You begin to push and they to pull longing for that feeling a love so full.
You yearn and you burn When it begins but then find yourself tossing and turning as it ends.
You wake up one day, feeling scarred and broken, a little bled out from wounds that are open.
You begin to heal, to focus on you, determined to find things that are true.
Sick of the games you no longer wish to play. Only focusing on you and the ones who stay.
Who bring compassion and peace, who promote safety and joy. Not dallying with those who treat your heart like baggage or a toy.
No longer seeking a love that burns. You have the scars you want one that stands firm.
Where you support each other as you grow. The pace of it steady and slow.