Blood rush
From my heart
To my face
Like running a race

People i pass
Fast like a blur
Some faces i notice longer
Some make me somber

I try to hold it all in
Running down this track
I went a different way
At times i start to sway

I want to fall over
This race is nonsense
My face is dripping sweat
I'm beginning to fret

People boo me from afar
It makes me go slower
Some cheer me on
Helps me struggle along

Is this race worth winning
Or do i simply want reach the end
It's going by so fast
I'm afraid I'll come in last

Empty
           Void

I was nothing
But silence
Silence screamed
Pouring death into me

Daggers on my tongue
From my mouth they sprung
I couldn't stop

No one listened
Shadows consumed
Then left me for the moon

i cried everynight
Begging for god
To listen
Anyone to please listen

My cries bellowed
I saw demons
They laughed at me
Leaving me in agony

I lost my music
I had it long ago
I must have left it
Buried in snow

Snowflakes fell
The beauty lost in the dirt
I had once heard magic
Until all i saw was tragic

Piercing pistols of silence
Gripped into my body
Leaving only blood wounds
Open for monsters to consume

I'm so afraid everyday
I'm starting to awake
Climbing the mountain
To hear the musical fountain

Splashing and consuming
The water up there is clear
Rushing and cleansing
My body is trembling

I am seeing musical notes
They are colorful as a rainbow
It was dark and cloudy
Until the rain hit my body

I'm following the rainbow
I see a *** of gold at the end
I'm so afraid to keep going
What if i fall with never knowing

The embrace of gold
The warmth of success
I've destroyed myself
I can't even trust a rainbow
The colors could be a false show

Reality breaks
Reality is fake
My heart is a pancake
Thick and crumbling
C
R
U
m
b
l
e

Afraid to feel
I can not heal
Life around me
Starts to peal
Leaving nothing but
Exposed flesh
OooozING

Lay me on the floor
It's my source of comfort
It's close to the earth
My only warmth
Keeps burying me
D
  O
    W
           N
           N
          N
            Never have I felt
  A sense of true comfort
My brain unravels
Either numb
Or sadness
Mixed with madness
Mad
     Mad
Mad    mad
Mad
Sad
It's buried so deep
Which reality is real
Can I really feel
Like I used to
Or was that a dream
Hmmmm
So it seams

I'm lost
In this dimension
Blue and gray
Swirling snow in May
Falling
Under water
Bubbling in my

Lungs

I'm too high strung
I'm too far gone
Everything feels wrong
Where do I belong
I keep singing the song
But I forgot the chorus
My brain tries to floor it
I out wore it
Now it's torn
R I P P E D to s hReDS
I'll get on my bed

And wait to be dead

Maybe then I'll find
Everything I left behind

Sometimes I'll hear a song
A lovely song
And tears will come to my eyes
Happy tears
Never a sigh
As I go back through time
With you

It's funny to me
Those memories
Hit me head on
So suddenly
I can't remember what I did yesterday
But five years ago
I can recall the very thing you
Said

Those first nine months
The flirting
The pranks
Halloween
To Valentine's day
The laughter
And denial
Our relationship
On trial

We won

I remember
Being stunned
You kissed me
Being frozen
When you asked me
The pink fluffy hoodie
Jumping around like a ghost
Will we or won't we?
Who knows

Everyone knew
I did too
Did you?
Silly goose
I remember it all
It hits me hard
It's beautiful
It's like fall
Except I didn't fall
I flew
Into you
Into us
Into chemistry
And love

Those first nine months
Our love story
It was romantic
It was tragic
It was epic
And magic

I'll never forget those moments
They'll always be
The best thing
To ever happen to
Me
I love you
I treasure everyday with you
But I love to reminisce
About the sweet romance
That started our bliss

Always and forever
We'll be together

Sometimes to truly
Find who you are
First you have to see
How far you can fall

The scary part is
Not knowing
If you're strong enough
To keep going

If you'll still climb
Even if the fall
Was deep
You won't hit that wall

I didn't see
I begged
And pleaded
For just a shred

I saw my friend
Find herself
After her darkest hour
She saw her own wealth

The worst year of my life
It has been blinding
My soul was twisting
And winding

I tried to end it
End it so many
Many
Many
Times

I never could
I didn't understand
Yet some nights
I saw light within my ****** hand

I felt warmth
As i cried
I knew deep down inside
Id be alright

I lost myself
To find it
The missing piece
I forgot i hid it

I'm still shaking
But finding color
My daydreams exist
And now shine like lovers

I got ****** up
So deep in rage
I let all my ugly loose
To heal my torn page

I can see
I can almost feel
The strength
I'm starting to heal

Never knew myself
I was an empty book
The words are appearing
And i can finally take a look

You know
People are selfish
And they continue to hurt me
And you could say why not talk to them?
Explain or try?
There's never a point
In trying

They'll start denying
They'll start crying
To your face
While lying
Never making
A real effort
Never bothering
they can't afford
To change

Selfish in exchange
For my hurt feelings
Every single person.
I was born too kind
That's my issue
And it's not
Some kind of self pity
Tissue

It's true
I am not perfect
By no means
I've hurt others
Who didn't deserve it
I've made amends
I made effort
showed changed behavior
showed I savor
Making them
Feel better

Nobody
Does the same
Every one is to blame
Small or big
They hurt me
With a grin
They are selfish
Careless
And
Inconsiderate
I'm so tired
I might consider it

Being alone
Letting my anger show
Telling them all where
To ******* go
Letting go
For once
Not being nice
Being selfish
Like every other
*******
Guy

How can you all lie?
How can you all say you try?
And deny
With such a look
In your eye
You don't mean it
You cut me
I'm still bleeding

You are all wielding
The knife
This cold little life
You all play
Like it's a game
You're never to blame

Look inward
You selfish little flames
Burning out soon
Like a lying
Cheating groom
Figuring out
Your next
Move

Look inward
And see
Being selfish
acting carelessly
Gets you nowhere
Well maybe in this life
It'll get you somewhere
Desire is like fire you know
It burns out
Ashes are cold
And alone

So wherever you think you'll go
Remember you reap what you sow
You all told me I'm hard to hold
No,
I think it's you
You're all
Going to be
Lost in the cold

Never looking twice
At your own
Souls

Somehow within this
The deepest torment
I slowly felt a light
Awakening

I'm still shaking
It doesn't make sense
Freeing myself
As i went numb

It's not me
It's not me
Never was me

I'm shining
Always have been
I'm finding
Each piece

You took from me
Made us all crumble
Because of your insecurity
I'm not broken

I hate you
I hate you
I'm sorry

You're twisted
You shattered all over us
Couldn't handle the mess
But never dare confess

I was born
In self hatred
Always alone
The veil has been blown

Away from our eyes
I do not know why
But i found the truth
Once i decided to die

I'm dead
I'm dead
Yet coming alive

I am amazing
I am loving
I am so beautiful
It's not my fault

Others are jealous
So many afraid of themselves
They hurt others
Im done

We have become one
I feel it now
I'm not backing down
I will love myself

Truly this time
I didn't understand before
My love was bruised
Like my soul next to you

The darkest parts of me
Finally broke free
I could feel the light inside
Though terrified

I can be happy
I can be happy
We all can be happy

I'm on the road
To truly love myself
Once i concur self care
You best beware

Another poem noone asked for
Then again I live a life
I never asked for
So I'll jot another one down
Until im in my casket
Wearing my black gown

I thought I'd get better
You know, once I decided to leave
I left my abusers and isolation
But I guess I was lost without it
So I made my own abusive creation

They all won't stop haunting me
I kept thinking I was alone
But that's not the real problem
I'm stuck with the skeletons in my closet
I guess my misery seems to adore them

I want you all to know
I've tried so very hard everyday
To make the deep dread go away
I tried to be so optimistic
But the misery is here to stay

I ask God every night
Why it's so dark through my eyes
Surely this isn't how everyone sees?
There's a monotone to this world
I feel so melancholy as I flow with the trees

That sun may shine bright
But I only see gloom roll over my sight
Maybe if I was a different child
I'd be able to see hope and faith
And not have my trauma in another pile

I have never really been ok
All I remember is fooling myself
Pretending that I was kinda real
I think I almost felt alive once
I really let down my shields

I got bitten and torn apart
I became blood guts and strewn about
I was supposed to heal and get better
After I left I only became entirely hopeless
The best is over the worst came together

They sent me a love letter
Informing me
I'll never be alone
Because they are always with me
My skeletons have found their forever home

And they're never gonna go
....
    But maybe I should?

Moon look upon me
Im fall
          l

          l
          i
         n
         g
Into you

Sun hide me
Im bUrning
       N
       D
       E
       R
your light

Dear stars
You s h i n e
I want you
Forever mine

Galaxies in the sky
Fantasies in your eyes
Twirling blue and black
Depth they do not lack

Clouds bring me rain
Pour unto me reflections
Puddles Within
Are you my other world twin

Thunder scream and roar
Into my soul
I feel thy strength
Soaring overboard

Elements of the sky
I look above and cry
Some tears of sorrow
Others of hope for tomorrow

You are loud
Most colorful
With unexpected surprises
Bringing curiosity into lives

My eyes see
Into the moons eyes
The light shadow
Bring me warmth sitting on my
                                patio

Dead
  Dead
         Dead
    
  Burning
      Stirring
              Stabbing
Twisting

Sad all the time
Dead until nine
The stabbing starts at bed
My body isnt dead
Emotions must not have been informed

Let me s l e e p
Tired
        Drained
               RestLESs

Take this pill
God I'm fragile
Needles in my arms
They're not causing real harm
It's just my lover
              
                               AGONY

Despite all the hell
The unspeakable evils
I do not tell

I found hope
I held on tight
Ignoring the obvious *****

I wrote poems of colors
And heart flutters
I tried to stop my stutter

For i thought
Deep down
I finally had a shot

Everyone says it's all in my head
That there's nothing wrong with me
I'll find someone eventually

Take the risk
Make the move
Not all men will treat you like this

Once again vunerable
Once again opened my heart
Once again fell completely apart

At least I wasn't laughed at
Not really enough
To keep me from crumbling

The dark cloud
Of blue despair
Still in my air

Won't let me breathe
Not allowed to love
Only known to bleed

Bleed out pain
And then restrain
Into nothing

Goodbye
I'm leaving again
I'll never find
A lovely friend

So long
I'm not strong
To let my emotions
Belong

I long to write
Beautiful things
Like Shakespeare
And elegant ballgowns
Something with more meaning
Then simply feeling down

I long to write
Of romeo and Juliet
Symbolic and deeper then most see
Oh thou arent very good with writing

I long to write
Like egar allen poe
Or any inspiration i claim to love
But instead i write of the dead things
That roam through my mind stirring

Pound pound pounding
My mind is  constantly aching
She's but a young child
Cry cry crying
For attention she seeks but it keeps dying

Plays and music will not be wrote
Of the things i write
For they are not artistic
They are but a jumbled mess
Never knowing where to place
Each
Line or
Stanza

Now I'm rambling
On and on and on
She goes sad and chaotic
Whispering obscenities
And screaming repetitive words and pleas

I adore the poems and songs
That at face value seem
Like they are about love for another
When truly they ring about darkness

Oh sweet child
Your love keeps thy so warm
But it's breaking into a storm
I watch you try to sleep
Why do you weep?
Dost thou not realize thy beauty?
Stab thy heart into shreds
For i cannot breath without the
But i cannot smile when thy fills my blood with led

Sweet little girl
You have made no sense
Get on your knees and repent
For you will never be

Somebody

Will i ever be loved?
Will i ever be anyone's first?
Will i ever be noticed?

they tell me it's in my head
But they don't see what i see
I'm always a last choice

Am i wanted?
Am i needed?
Am i special?

They say god loves me
They say he chose me
Yet all i hear is deafening silence

I scrape and claw
For attention
I end up ******
And scarred

Others merely exist
People go to them
Giving affection
Without being begged

Here i am
Where i always knew
Sitting alone
With a hangover overblown

I've never been noticed
Even if i act out
I could scream and shout
No-one will look

How can i live
How can i be ok
How can i breathe
How do i accept lonliness

Maybe one day
I'll write a song
Of love and warmt
And not wavering sadness
And desperation

Maybe..
            Some...
                         Day

It's weird you know,
I could always write poems
About so many crushes
The words flew so easily
The feeling seemed flawless
Always ending terribly

Yet here I am now
Wanting to write about you
Ready to make so many poems
For you
But I'm absolutely speechless

What have you done
I think I love it

I was so shy when I met you
I think you were shy too
The awkward silence
One day made a break through

Talks in karate
Talks in the swings
Laughing at others
About the stupidest things

We thought we were so cool
Like two kids skipping school
But grown *** women
Walking down the highway

We bonded
We cried
We saw some dark sides
We never stopped
We drove and felt alive

I'm happy I met you
Thank you for being you
You brought me to life for a bit
And I treasure every moment of it

You're a beautiful friend
Stay strong til the very end

❤️

Depression
                           -----------
                          Lonliness
                 ­          -------------
                          Suffering
               ­              ---------
                       Pain.        Love
                Hurt.                    Scream­s
         Hated.                                  Needy
    Abused.                                             Sad
  Mocked.                                           Ugly
  Ashamed.                                   Religion
      Scared.                                     Scarred
         Poor.                                          Lost
           Weak.                                  Sick
               Fragile _    hurt _   broken

Swing sweet child
Glisten in the sun
Laughter echoes
Darkness glooms

Swing faster child
Clouds form above
Ominous air releases
Rain strikes down

Hold tight sweetie
Childrens tears drop
Abadoned swings stop
Dirt soars over

Swing higher darling
Worried mothers scream
Chills pierce skin
Footprints fast away

Never stop

Take me up high but drag me

    Down
Low
My starry eyes look UPon you
But with no |glow|

I shrink and shiver with YOUR BREATHE upon me

I want to feel safe
Noone come near


Me

Take me away
Somewhere more         [safe]
I was a fool to ever have faith

My starry eyes shatter
Underneath my heart

it's a pit within my stomach
It makes me want to lie
underneath you and *****

For i was a f l o w e r
Blooming and ~colorful~

Now I'm a puppet

Dead and miserable

I like being teased
I like being poked
I like the little nicknames

It's cute when you steal my hat
It's cute when you runaway with it
It's adorable making me chase you

You pushed me out of my chair
They asked if I was mad
Nah it was funny
Now I'll kick you back

I got sad and fell to the floor
You pushed me over even more
Til I rolled around
I started to laugh
Trying to fight you back

Sadness gone
Giggling strong
Now your  hiding my things from me
Making me blush nervously
Did you take it?
You big *** faker

I'm drunk as hell
Everyone else left me
You were trying to sleep
But stayed up with me
As I called you all sorts of silly names
And started tons of childish games

6am you had to be up soon
Who needs sleep
When we're laughing
Feeling High as a balloon

I wanted to *******
But I was so lost
Felt so insecure
Yet you kept with me
When I thought you'd leave
Hey at least grab my *****
I'm leaving at noon
I'd like to leave an impression on you
You silly goof

When you called me kitten
I felt overly smitten
It rang in my head
Even after I left
I wish I let you
Touch me deeper
Deeper inside me
Then just a silly tease
My head said please

Yet I still felt better
Knowing we both wanted to

I lose my sanity
I seek only vanity
Monsters and demons
Fighting and dying
Screaming and crying

I start to unwind
Nothing eases my mind
I lay down to die
Drinking the poison
It quiets the noises

Then I hear from you
I decided to write out of the blue
Your response brings me out
The spinning clears away
I love the things you say

You remind me
That I'm real
You remind me
That I can heal
You remind me
Of how to feel

I start to laugh
I stop my reckless crash
You have no idea
The gift you give me
All you did was befriend me

I'm not sure how to put it
How could I ever word it?
You bring me my sanity
When I've lost all my hope
It's like you give me one last rope

Not for death
But to climb

  Thank you

You know I write my love songs
and my poems
when everything feels wrong
when there's pain
I feel it all
it makes my skin crawl
into a ball of unwritten words
I must let fall onto paper

So I sit here and I feel bad
that every note pad isn't about you
it's about him or her
and love and other blurs
but never about you
and all your hues

I want to explain why
if I may
You and I
Red and purple
passionate and secure
deep and for real
you have never made me feel
pain
never made me kneel
or strain
you have always been
my place
my home
the one who will never roam

I think that's beautiful
but maybe I need to say it more
write about you on the floor
write about our love on every door
but I only seem inspired to write
while crying on the floor

You have never left me bruised
or sore
never left me seeking more
we are together
in perfect harmony
it's never a bore
You and me are
as Taytay said
Forevermore

So I write this poem to you
my best friend
my sister
my soul mate
and my favorite person
I love you
and I think you know
every day with you
to me is like
dancing in the snow

I forgive you
I do
But right now
You have no clue
I'm too sad
To be near you

I'm overwhelming
I'm nagging
I'm begging and pleading
I'm unbearable
And you're there
Under my skin
Just beneath my grin
It's not the right time
For you to finish my rhymes

We never said goodbye
Now it's hello again
Are we friends
Or is this pretend
I'm so fragile
You have no idea

I say I'm playing it cool
Then call you like a fool
No answer
No answer
I realize
My crazy banter

Then you text me a day later
And all is fine
But I'm out of my mind
I miss you
I always did
But it's deeper than that
I'm a lost kid

I'm sick and afraid
Alone and ashamed
Desperate for comfort
Desperate for compassion
I run to you
I run and run
And plunge into your soul
Never wanting to let go
But you don't want to be that close
Again

I understand, old friend
That's smart
That's who you always are
But I'm fragile
I'm broken
Looking for old pieces
Hiding in familiar faces
To tape me back up
To keep me standing
Life is so demanding

And I'm missing the main piece
I can't be put back together again
After losing you the first few hundred times my friend
I think it was finally my end
Then again
Here I am
I'm just fragile
And broken
Wondering if you'll be there with me
Again

Today a chill blew through me
Today I decided to skip
Today I breathed in the soft brisk air

Today i felt a jump in my heart finally
Today i feel like i can take on 500 pirate ships
Today the wind softly blew through my hair

Today is special
For today i felt a twinkling in my soul
Yesterday i felt it as well
A feeling in my heart it's quite swell

Today i feel potential
For tomorrow my darkness will also be stole
Because today i stood still
And realized I am happy and i think I'll be tomorrow as well

Dear abuser,

Because of you I shake at night
I see so many deadly frights
My arms quiver with needles bleeding
I can't beleive I didn't think you affected me

Every night I come home
I shower and cry about my life
Every person I talk to I distrust
I know suffering is a must

There is no silence
I only hear my weeping
And your yelling echoing through
I have new triggers I don't understand
Was this always your plan?

I yell and scream at things I love
I can't beleive in any God above
My heart panics if anyone's upset
My breath is stolen like I'm in a corset

I can't stand to be alone
But I can't stand to be too close
I'm afraid of anyone's touch
Every problem is just too much

I can't have a good day
Anything good  changes and rots
Into the memory and fear
I hate myself if that wasn't clear

No matter how much I build myself up
How strong I may become
I feel so weak and alone
I feel like I'll never find my home

I stay up and ponder if I ever could
Tell everyone about the hell you gave me
Maybe that would help me
Or maybe they'd just laugh at me

I rip my flesh open
I bruise and hurt my own heart
I give so much of myself to everyone else
Because of the guilt I feel
Cause it was all my fault

I black out and forget things
My stomach twist and turns and stings
I have no energy to enjoy anything
Nothing in life is a blessing

I've emptied my body of any emotion
Because whenever I have any
It's endless crying and falling apart
Noone can break this ******* shattered heart

I'm afriad someone's behind my back
I'm afriad they're ready to attack
I'm afraid all I ever do is lack
I'm afraid of every ******* thing even a tack

I can feel you
I can hear you
Needling through my skin
Piercing my head with sin
Burning my body
Every night I relive it

All the pain I'm feeling I can't quite explain
Because at this point I consider it normal
Everything is quite plain
I'm tired of the pain I sustain

I'll never have kids because of you
I don't deserve love becuase of you
I can't see anything but pain
I can't enjoy anyone's touch
I know it'll never be love
Just let them all **** me
And I'll call it enough

Except I'm not enough
I'm disgusting and damaged
My skin is peeled and broken
Scarred and red
Too many tears I've shed

I'm labeled a freak and crazy
Life is kinda hazy
Am I real?
Can I ever heal?
I don't think so

I just want you to please go
All three of you
I see all of you In everyone I meet
The yeller the ******* and the molester
You're in the eyes of every person
I can't find comfort
Because you'll always find me first