The nights were crisp
If I remember right
The lights were bright
As we past each car

The talks were long
As we paused to sing a song
The hellos were beautiful
The goodbyes were soulful
But difficult

The train station in the morning
Running into your arms
The train station at night
Never seemed as bright
Even tho it was always dark
It hurt my heart
To see you go

I knew it was ok
In every possible way
When I looked up
To see your face
At the gas station
The warm night
If I recall right
I knew
I was so **** sure
It was forever

I've never felt quite right since
I realized I was wrong
what I saw as forever
Was gone

It was some kind of magic
Or curse maybe
I'm not really sure
But **** it hurts
There's no more pleasure
When I see the car lights
When I'm at a gas station at night
Or a service plaza
The distinct feeling
Of unbelieving
The world around me
A special place
A special face
held my heart so
In every ******* way

It's gone
There was never magic
It was just life
A facade
A lie
I could never begin to try
And make it right
I held so tight

The snow we fell on
The mischief we got lost in
At a Cleveland concert
Or the side of the road
Walking out of rebellion

The hair dye stuck to my hands
The red that didn't show
we continued to grow
To purples
To blues
Every new hue
With you

The trips we took
The cars we shook
By accident
You scratched it
we took off afriad
We've never misbehaved
That was the first
We had many of those

Driving for an hour
To be at olive garden
We saw as a  higher power
For years
We spent there
A special saving grace
Shoving bread to the face

The first time you left
I fell to my knees
Metaphorically
maybe physically
I can't recall
I cried for weeks
I quit the job
We shared
It wasn't fair
To anyone

It's never fair
To anyone
Yet you dared
To not care

Never cared
Never
Ever
Dared

The cons we roamed
The gorilla hugs alone
Were memorable
The pictures we took
The way we looked
As we fell and laugh
Over silly words
Humman
Gina
Something as simple
As a typo
Could keep us laughing
For years
I can't remember a single tear

I lie
For many years
..there were
..tears in us
The entire time

As I warned you
Getting into drugs
Ruins lives
You promised
With no sincerity
In those eyes
Dead inside
I knew
I blew
It away
A passing thought
As we danced the night away

Every moment
I write and write
Every feeling
I write I write
It won't leave me
I try to let it be
Let it out
On the paper
It's not poetic anymore
It's not rhyming
It's falling apart
There's no more
No more
No more
I'm losing my words
My talents
For words
For
Anything
I was so **** sure
Then again
It's happened before
Maybe I'm addicted to pain
I choose to remain
In it
By picking people
I know are cruel
I know will rule
My emotions
turn me into
A broken

Piece
Of
Hell

I can't tell
What it is
you were so addictive
Manipulative
Mean
Hurtful
Gone
Unhealthy
Selfish
******* LIAR
Fake
And
Everything I wanted to keep
Just out of reach

So I write
And I write
And I
Well
I don't know

..
I just
    Can't
             Move on

Dress up your depression
Stockings and lipstick
Dancing and music

No it's all scattered
A mess everywhere
Just keep shedding tears

Mask your pain
With ***** and ***
Clubs and latex

No you're too sheltered
Poor and locked away
Openly showing ugly shame

Take it as a specialty
Write pretty plays and poetry
Make meaning for your suffering

No you have no talent
Give up and sleep all day
end it all can't hide the pain

Isn't it unusual
To read of love and joy
And cry tears of hurt and sorrow?

Isnt it unsual
For a happy feeling
To truly hurt and feel like it's borrowed?

Oh isn't it just a tad unsual
No matter how hard you try
To never fall in love with another?

I find it too normal
Until i see others
So close together when I'm never with a lover

Stop asking for reassurance
Stop asking if it's wrong
Just do what you want
What's your problem?

I'm just so afraid
The last time I made a mistake
I was violated and tormented
I can't trust myself anymore

As a kid I wasn't allowed
To think for myself or decide
The one time I let loose
I fell and got broken and bruised

What if it happens again
No one will help me repent
I can't feel or be open
This fear is permanent

My mind collapses
I fall apart
My day is gone
I'm just not strong

I thought I'd grow stronger
But I only fall apart longer
Every night it gets worse
Every one laughs at my curse

I want my childhood back
I want my innocence
I want the love and bliss
That I had to ******* miss

It's not fair
I never accepted til now
The emotional abuse
That torments my mind
Is no joke oh no it's not kind

It grows stronger
As I grow weaker
I'll never have any of it back
I'll never grow into a beautiful ocean
I'm a mud piled puddle
Only to live with struggle

Step on me
Run your car over me
Break me deeper
Til I become weaker

At this point im useless
I've lost all my faith
I'll never find my place
I'll never find comfort
For I hate myself too much
It resides within me so deep
I truly know I'll never be loved

I just ask the stars above
Stop mocking me, please
Let me sleep

Closer then sisters
Better then lovers
Never a second thought
Together forever

What happened to forever
What happened

Memories come
Memories go
I'm stuck in the snow
Of all our love
The stars above
Remind me of you

Stuck like glue
You and me
Us three
Nobody could touch
Never too much

What happened to us
What happend to love
What happened to the stars above
What happened
What happened??

Every year we'd go away
Crazy wild and silly vacay
It was the best moments of my life
Laughter, fun, excitement  living high

Never wondering why
We were so lucky
Treasuring each and every smile
Thinking we'd be together for awhile
For forever
Never not together

Seasons change and the weather
We were birds of a feather
Flocking together
Living with each other
Secrets told laughter spoke
Our love never a Joke

What happened to us
What happened to love
What happened to the stars above
What the **** happened to us
To forever
To looking at the stars
To crying in eachothers arms
To figuring out life together
Never hurting eachother
Closer then I could say
Giving me life in every way

How can I go on
It's been 8 months since you've gone
And I can't move on
I see you every day
You don't give a **** I'm in your way
It hurts to pretend
Like I don't know you
Like I never knew
What thoughts kept you up at night
How to make you laugh at the right
Moment
All those moments
Dust in the wind
Blew it away
I tried to catch it
But you looked the other way

What the **** happened

It's like I know
I'm a mess
I know I'm full of stress
I'm depressed
I'm a total wreck

I know it hurts my health
I know it kills my cells
I know I live in hell
But

Without it
Who would I be?
Without it
What would I see
Without it
I can't believe
In me

I've learned to live
Without calm bliss
I've learned to kiss
Every scar
Every war
My mind
Plays

I have to stay
I cannot stray
I'm too afraid
On a deeper level
Then what ifs
And what nots
It seems like it's a lot

To lose
To choose
What to do

I've learned to love me
Even tho I hate me
I've learned to live
Like this
I make my art
I play my part
I'm afraid to change
After 26 years
To become someone else
Is a huge fear
I just learned
To love this girl
With this choice
It could change my world
Change it all
What if I fall
What if I'm mean
What if I'm not clean
What if I'm boring
What if I'm snoring
What if
What if
I'm not me
The pieces I love
The things I hold above
What if they leave
Like everyone else
What if I can't believe
In the father above
What if I'm gone

Tell me
If I choose this
What if???

My biggest dream
When I was little
Surrounded by those so brittle
Was relationships
Love
Everything in between
And above

Now that I'm older
I found them
I've had my heart stolen
I've seen stars above
And wonders around
Til I ended up on the ground
Heart broken

Then again
Evermore
I found a dream love
Rough at first
Hard to tame
Now we're changing
Our last names
Soft and plush
Endless lush

Now what?
What do I do
What do I be
Am I happy?
Who is me?
I spent years alone
Some ok
Most with stones
I thought I knew
Me
I thought I knew
Destiny

Am I God's child
Am I young and wild
Am I caged and broken
Sickly and bedridden
What's my purpose
What's my goal
Will I ever know

Is having fun enough
Is being in love enough
Why do I feel so rough
Am I a mother in waiting
A loner always hating
A musician and poet
Lost at sea before you know it

I'm coasting
The shoreline of life
Ive lived some
But who do I become
Years stolen
Now constantly
Unknown
Fun and comfort
Fighting for health
Is this my wealth?

I think everyone feels empty
Or mostly.
I feel ghostly
Barren and cold
Dead to any life shown
Emotional and overblown
If this is normal
That's devastating
I want a goal
I want to know
Is God real
What is it that I feel
Am I failing God
Am I failing me
What's destiny

I'm bored
I'm empty
Like once before
A child wishing for plenty
She still hasn't gone
I'm terrified
This is where she stays
And forever belongs

A constant sad song


I have so much to love
Yet so much to grief
I want a reprieve
I want a happy tune
A beautiful moon
A snowy night
No more goodbyes
I want to know myself
And my life
I want to own it
I want to know God
And all there is

I want to find bliss
No more emptiness
That child is scared
Every night
Every day
It's hard to breathe

Someone
Or rather myself
Please show me
Show her
The way
What to do
Everyday

Why won't anyone
Love me

Why won't anyone
Care for me

I give so much
And recieve none

I can't stop crying
No use trying

No one wants me
I know
I won't ask you to

I just want to know
Why

This poem might not rhyme
Because i don't know if i have the time
To let all these thoughts out of me

But I want to ask all of you
A question from my heart sincerely i have no clue
What the answer may be

Does it not scare all of you how fleeting life is
That tomorrow you could be gone as fast as pop fizz
why are we all suffering just to die soon

Why don't you take that chance if you're not happy now
Why don't you jump into it even if it's scary now
I'm all alone in this and I fear i always will be

But it confuses me you see
Because i see so many suffer and not get what they want endlessly
Even when i offer it and say lets run away together

They say they can't Theyre afraid
But life is so fleeting it all passes so fast everyday
Why not grab the love you seek

Instead of watching it sink far away
Because you think it might cause this or be an issue for another day
I'm worried you are wasting each precious day that you'll never get back

So why not jump head first without ever looking back?

The little girl within me
The five year old that's crying
The ten year old that's star gazing
The fourteen year old trying to run away
They never let me go
Not for one day
My soul always knows
But my heart has gotten cold

I've felt the entire galaxy of emotions
I was too young
I  had to be so strong
It was never fair
To let me wear
Every single
Piece of despair

I ran away
So to say
Lived my life
In every way
That would cause you
Shame
I became
The person to blame
I never wanted to tame
My name

The world broke me
Again
They hurt me
More than a friend
I became
Lost again
Broken and at
an end
Never to open

That little girl hiding
Me running
Never confiding
With her
I concur
She became such a blur

Empty with hints
stars and light
Soulless with a touch
love and fight
Searching for the spirit
That gave me flight

I fell so hard
Never wanting to feel
The pain that hurt her
The shame that killed her
The blame
The names
The broken and bruised
Lonely cursed
Hues

Without her
I was again
A blur
Everyday
Waking up afraid.
I didn't know
She still runs the show
She'll never let go
She's fighting
residing within
never dying
That girl who was always
Whining
Is still shining 🌟

The stars are blinding
Only to others
To me it's like love
Filled with the deepest of wonders
Wonderstruck
Wonderful
I feel her soul
In the simplest of times
She's fighting for her crimes

Never letting her dreams die
letting her hopes come true
And every time they do
I feel her heal
I feel her warmth
I feel the brightest smile
For galaxies and miles
Looking down on me
I twirl around the entire galaxy
Never a frown to be found
When her biggest dreams finally touch the ground

I feel too much
And it always ends
Stabbing me in the chest

Then I numb myself
To feel less pain
Trying to restrain

Yet this time
I took the risk
I showed my heart beat

Faster faster faster
Ticking ticking
Butterflies swirling

I told you
You were kind
But said you can't be mine

It hurts deep inside
But this time
I'm not going numb

My heart won't let me
It's beating endlessly
Except cruelly

It's been years since I felt
So deeply
Infacuated with another

I never showed my feelings
To someone I wanted
So very dearly

I guess you could say
I'm feeling a bit
Of heartache

It's not traumatizing
But it is agonizing
Slightly terrorizing

I think of you by mistake
It keeps me awake
It's colorful and cute

Then I remember
You said no thanks
Now it's all December

Cold inside me
My heart churns
As I yearn

Yearn to rip me open
And bandage up my swollen
Heart that's been shattered

Shattered a million times
By many different guys
But I think this takes the prize

I saw hope in your eyes
But it's my fault
It was so new and exciting

I was really trying
A bit too hard
Like a worn out ball of yarn

Stringing along
To a new cute song
Patter patter by the paws

Except I always get claws
Stuck inside me
I'm such a dummy

I fall too fast
And too rashly
But lastly

I love too much
Too quickly
For someone always alone
And unsightly