how am i supposed to sleep
when i fear if you do not love me

I'm scared of this world, honestly.
I'm scared of death and ways one can pass, I'm scared of love because if something happens, that heartache will leave yet another scar on my heart.
I'm scared of illnesses, mostly physical ones. I'm scared of my own mind, as sometimes it can get really mean and it scares me.
I'm scared of people, how people can be so cruel and so ill they would commit crimes for satisfaction, or to soothe the anger in their hearts that may have been fueled by an unbearable sadness.
This world is scary, but there are also pros of being here.
Love, family, good food, friends, going out, the smell in the air when a storm is going to arrive, the smell of spring or summer, the scent of autumn or snow.
There are some things in this world that give others peace.
A strange peace, but it puts whatever emotional or physical pain they're feeling to rest for a bit.
A temporary tranquility.
This world is scary, but everything has pros and cons.
We're human.

I don't really expect much anymore
One day my depression will be too strong
It'll be hard for me to move on
I'll have a gun just laying there
My feet will be bare, I won't care
It'll be quick and painless
This depression will end
Because I'm tired of bending
I'm tired of trying to feel good about myself
So whether it be with a noose,
My body floating lifelessly with a rope tight around my neck
Color drained from my face and body
Whether it be from a jump from a building
The pressure of the air making my lungs feel like they're collapsing
The pressure making me light-headed
As I watch the sky and eventually drop,
One day, our hearts will stop.
One day, my mind will leave me be and let me think happy
Though I doubt that will happen,
As I will never be good enough
So dear future me,
I'm sorry if you got hurt again.
Here's the current plans,
As for now,
I'm trying to make myself feel alive again.

I'm so ******* sorry
I'm like this
I don't mean to hurt you
But I'm scared of you hurting yourself
I know what the research says
But I'm still scared
I value our friendship
I don't know why
But I can't lose you
Why are you so important to me
I'm trying to sort out all the reasons
But I just can't seem to find a reasonable answer
My mind is eating me alive
Without those meds of mine
I'm dying inside
I shouldn't rely on it but it's the only thing keeping me sane
Without them, my mind and my brain start to hate me
Make me think cruel thoughts and snap at others who I love
I'm sorry I'm like this
But please,
Just don't ******* go.
I can't lose another.