I’d be hot as a guy.

Everyone is pretty rare
In their own special way.

You will find NO ONE
exactly like me
And I will find NO ONE
like you either.

Our personalities
cannot be copied
and pasted.
God didn’t make it that way.

Why do some people still try
To be like another?

We all have our faults
No one is perfect
But that does not mean
We must shape ourselves to be like others.

We must shape ourselves to be BETTER
not perfect
not someone else
Just BETTER.

A tree still grows
Without being another tree.
We can be better
Without being someone else.

Because it’s ok
To be a better person
In your own way.

It’s ok to be rare.

nothing but a scrap
of paper from a make-up catalog
saying,
“Real Flawless™”

but here i am,
unable to stop
thinking
about what it markets to me
what it asks of me
what it stipulates to be
true.

“Real Flawless”

modern day doublethink:
“my body is mine but
Yours
to look at and
Yours
to judge and so i shape it
to the eye that is
Yours—
i am proud though i make myself
small”

“Real Flawless”

mandatory affirmations, prayers more like,
repeat repeat repeat
how much i love myself even
as i consume comparisons
and then calculate the calories.

“Real Flawless”

the only reason
beauty is pain is
because it tears
us in two.

It’s raining cats and dogs
And probably raining hogs
What if our own idioms
Suddenly became real?

“Oh, all I did was **** time”
Say that, and end up in jail
And hell, for that matter.
“Punch the clock”
Ow, that hurt
Don’t punch solid wood kids.

Okay.
This is really cliche
But I’m not sure exactly
What love is
Because there are so many ideas
In the world of today.

You see
Some people say it’s a butterfly in your chest
Or when your stomach
Does a gymnastics routine worthy of a gold medal.
Others say it’s a feeling of safety,
Comfort
Reassurance,
Because when you’re with your loved one,
You are okay.

I have also been told
Love is when you find
Companionship
And friendship
And compassion within a person.

Is it a flash
A strike of lightning
And BOOM you’re in love?
Or a gradual
“I really like you”
Which turns into
“I really love you.”

Truth
Myth
Lie
Deceit.

Too many
Too many.

Red roses
Red poppies
Red apples in summer.
Red blood spilled
Red lipstick
Red eyes after crying lakes.
Red markers
Red houses
Red bricks breaking through my window.
Red hearts
Black hearts
Broken hearts.

I stumble into a crowd
And it parts like Moses’ Red Sea
I’m not any celebrity
They must be afraid
Of someone like me.

We ran
From something
Unseen. We were
Two, a man and a woman  

River flowed red
He is steel. And her tears
Bullets. We are
Bayonets and gun barrels  

The earth flourished
With steel, straight statues
Of trees and undergrowth
A perennial memorial  

Buried, we were
Under the earth
Meant to last forever
Meant to simply be  

Red silence
Enveloped the world
My brothers...
Glided between the trees  

Creatures joined
Those of all kinds, prowl
Across the land
Around their brothers  

The earth split
We are the valleys. Gashes
Along the veins of the earth
Runs red like streams and fountains  

Wounds dried and flaking
Freely beasts roamed
Lands demarcated
Trampled, trodden  

We are echoes
Within the canyons. We stalk
Like spirits, like steel
Behind fervor, behind craze  

They lost
Time was forgotten
Time was reclaimed
Remade  

We do not know time
We do not sow
We do not reap
We do not see
We do not hear  

The world is never silent
But the underground is  

How would you feel
If you knew that
The world was hollow
Held up by rifles...

Remember the beauty
Of silence.

Remember when
Monotonous blab
Wasn’t used as a substitute
For art.

Remember when I could trust
The words of others.

Remember the beauty
Of silence.

It’s not the words—
Not the melody.
It’s the spaces
In between.

Let it break
Every now and then.
When the chamber is empty
Don’t scream at the walls.

It
Will
Only
Echo
Back.

I remember you
You’re not you
Anymore.

No
You’re you
Just another version
Less innocent.

Me too.

I remember you,
We talked for a while,
You said that I make you nervous,
Did I ever tell you
That you made me nervous too?

I remember you,
You were new to the school,
I was trying to be kind.
Do you remember me?

I was having a good day
Then you reminded me
Of how imperfect I am
It’s like a roller coaster
You anticipate the fun
The higher you go
Feeling good
And then it stops
And you look down
And you’re scared
Because it’s a long fall
And your teetering on the edge
And when you plummet
Towards the ground
And your scream
Escapes your lips
Everyone thinks your having fun
But you’re really scared to death.
You feel good
Until you’re reminded
That you’re fifty feet in the air
And the cement is hard
And unforgiving.

This is humanity.
It’s flying and falling and
𝘈𝘳𝘵.
When your heart swells
Like the sun emerging
From the sea.

This is humanity.
Looking at all the faces
And seeing behind their eyes.

𝘏𝘦𝘭𝘭𝘰,
I whisper,
𝘕𝘪𝘤𝘦 𝘵𝘰 𝘮𝘦𝘦𝘵 𝘺𝘰𝘶.

Reassure
Realign
Reality.

Resign
Reduce
Reprieve.

Relieve
Retri­eve
Restart.

I don’t hate you.

I’m just reticent.

Reluctant to share where
This hesitation came from
But I swear I care,
I swear I care.

It doesn’t make sense,
This reticence is like barbed wire fence
Around my heart so when
You try to touch it h u r t s.

𝘐 𝘴𝘸𝘦𝘢𝘳 𝘪𝘵’𝘴 𝘯𝘰𝘵 𝘮𝘺 𝘧𝘢𝘶𝘭𝘵 𝘐 𝘴𝘸𝘦𝘢𝘳 𝘪𝘵’𝘴 𝘯𝘰𝘵 𝘮𝘺 𝘧𝘢𝘶𝘭𝘵 𝘐 𝘴𝘸𝘦𝘢𝘳 𝘪𝘵’𝘴 𝘯𝘰𝘵 𝘮𝘺 𝘧𝘢𝘶𝘭𝘵 𝘐 𝘴𝘸𝘦𝘢𝘳-

Many people
Believe that things
Sometimes aren’t real enough.
They revel
In the objective,
They wish for things they can see.
Novelty
Is fun as long as it’s
Safe and tangible.
People believe what they can see,
And with all of this I disagree.

I revel in the imaginary.
I am afraid of what is real.
I wish for things
Only I can see
In my mind.
I despise the safe and tangible.
Guess I’m insane.

The world revolves around the sun.
Not me, or you, or anyone.
You’ve got me wrapped around your thumb.
You seem queenly to the human eye
But it beats me how you seem to defy
All rules, all laws, no matter how they try
To rope you down, you get away every time.
You run and run, up and down the *****,
Why do you run? What do you hope?
Are you running away from a confidant?
Is there something better that you want?
The world revolves around the sun,
But our worlds are anchored by loved ones.

Right now a baby is born.
Right now someone is dying.
Right now someone is wishing they were dead.
Right now someone is laughing.
Right now somebody’s crying.
Right now someone is in love.
Right now someone is falling out of love.
Right now someone is raising a kid.
Right now someone is drinking away their feelings.
Right now someone is scared.
Right now someone is screaming.
Right now someone just died.
Right now someone just created life.
Right now you are living.
Live
Love
Cry.
Right now you are alive.

I don’t think you realize
The direness of this.
Do you realize what you’ve done?
I am a person,
Not paper.
But you ripped me to shreds anyway.

I was drowning
I was drowning because you
Pushed me past the edge
Off the cliff of sanity.

I struggled through the riptide
The waves grabbed me by both arms
Thrashed and almost smashed
Into the rocky shelf.

I tried to swim and I sank
I sank to the ocean floor
I sank until I let go
And finally floated to the the surface.

Wake up.
Go to school.
Come home.
Do homework.
Do chores.
Read.
Sleep.
Wake.
School.
Home.
Sleep.
So tired
Of all this predictability.
Days
Blend into each other.
Every day is the same.

Run away
Run away
It’s best that you don’t stay
You have no idea
What chaos I am.

Run away
Run away
Remain and you will pay
The price of loving a living sin
And being in the places I have been.

Run away
Run away
Stay with me; you better pray
That you will make it unscathed
Out of this friendship you have made.

Oh please stay
Oh please stay
I will let you have your way
Even though I’m walking fire
And you have gotten yourself stuck in my mire.

I cry for no reason,
You see me as weak.
But you haven’t seen me smile yet,
I think you would change your mind.

I think my salty tears
I think they really scare you.
Because you run away at the sight
Of emotion bubbling up.

You look at me like I’m insane
I probably am.
But at least I’m not a coward,
Unlike someone here.

I’m a run-on sentence
Too much work to be payed attention

i meander at the
depths of rock bottom stumbling
upon newfound grace and
gratitude.

the spiking stone all around
is dull to the eyes but makes
the ever-blue sky
come alive.

when i reach up to
touch it, i know that
i am too small to caress
those faint cotton candy
wisps.

but in my dreams,
i greet the sunrise by
perching on the shoulders
of those who dare to rise
above.

They say
IGNORANCE IS BLISS
And it’s true
But wouldn’t you
Want to know the world
Around you?

Perhaps
It’s because
CURIOSITY KILLED THE CAT.
And bliss
Is so much better
Than being curious.

The last part
Was a lie
Because while
IGNORANCE IS BLISS
And CURIOSITY KILLED THE CAT
Satisfaction of his discovery
Brought the
Inquisitive cat back.

A sea of silent people with
Zippers instead of lip and teeth
So long it’s been since they’ve unzipped
They calcified like coral reef
And sometimes it is hard to breathe
When your captor is a feeling.
Their words are knives stuck in their sheathes,
At nightfall, they dream of screaming.

Their shoulders slumped, they knew that if
They sang or sighed or gave a speech
Before it was too late, their scythe
Would never have to reap and reap
And reap, but no, they sowed the seed,
If only they’d been believing
But they dug a grave, where they sleep
At nightfall, to dream of screaming.

Their kids don’t cry, instead, they writhe
Inheriting their voiceless grief
No words to soothe the kind of life
That never, ever knows relief
As it was stolen by a thief
And his name is Never Needing.
Their fear, it thrums to its own beat
At nightfall, they dream of screaming.

They waste away, they cannot eat
But now, death itself is freeing.
Their dreams once were the sun and sea—
Tonight, they just dream of screaming.

I doubt that I am poetic.
I doubt these words are pretty prose.
Most of my poems,
In fact,
Either sound sad
Or psychotic.
Not beautiful.
Bitter.
Yes,
These words are bitter.
Coal linings,
Of tears.
Not beautiful.
Scarred.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAhAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAeAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAlAAAAAAAAAAAAApAAAAA AAAAAmAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAeAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAApAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAlAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAeAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAsAAAAAAAAAAAAAeAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAhAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAeAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAlAAAAAAApAAAAAAAAAAA

Summer
The height of the year
Tank tops
And short-shorts the only thing worn.
Melting heat
A breeze!
Pure bliss.

Fall
The heat cools
And sweaters and jeans
Emerge from the closet.
Sweet coolness fills the air.
It’s a bit chilly today.

Winter
The coolness grows colder
You see your breath
Billowing out of your mouth.
Brrrrrr!
You put on a few more layers.

Spring
Brings flowers
And beauty
And bees
And allergies.
I guess they balance each other out.

Self-attack
Self-absorbed
Self-aghast
Self-abhorred

COUGH COUGH! BLEGH!
I’ve come down with a case of “meh”,
I’ve got tremors and shakes
And “that’s due today??”
Nearly putting me into bedrest.

There’s so many things that need doing
And I truly cannot keep assuming
That I can avoid
The results of my choice—
I jumped in the ***, now I’m stewing.

Will this be my undoing?
One might have guessed
That I’ve quit and I’ve stopped
In an unending rest,
Am I still the best?
My grip, it is slipping:
Like an old, beat-up ragdoll
Whose threads won’t stop ripping.

Expectation hurts
Happily ever after
May or may not come.

Up in flames
Dancing around my burning flesh
You live
To set fire
Right?
You set me
On fire
Now I burn
I burn
Like dry paper
On the surface
Of a star.

You wear faces like a mask
You hide feelings in a cask
Your countenance is set like stone
Sharp eyes, glass shards, to become renown.

I’m always on guard.
Always afraid.
Always on thin ice.
The eggshells-
They crunch beneath my feet.
Can’t say the wrong thing
Did I say the wrong thing?
Right and wrong.
Right and wrong.
Black and white-
Somewhere in between?

A glitch in the system
Who nobody listens
To but they do
She doesn’t know
She’s too busy playing victim.

She doesn’t notice
That others can see
Her turmoil
Her lack of peace.

She feels alone
Cold
A heart weighed by stone.

Help me.

She cut
And cut
And dug
Deep inside her skin.

But all
That ever poured out
Was ink
Flowing night.

“Come on!”

The stepping stones
Warm your feet
When you land.
Clear, tinted blue
Flows past beneath them
Like a crystal sky.
Mischievous wind
Tickles my neck,
Blowing the hairs away.
Sweet rays settle
Like a blanket
Over my skin.

“Do you hear it now?”

Prejudice and pride
Something we want to hide
Yet it will still show itself

Today, I cried at a funeral.

But it wasn’t sadness that did it—
Sadness lounged on the horizon
Too distant to touch.

No, it was the
White-hot, scalding of the spotlight
The eyes, the many eyes, the
Hands pressed to mine, stamping in a
“Sorry for your loss.”
A tattoo, or a brand.

And then I felt it, familiar friend:
The tightness rising like bile, wrapping
Its serpentine fingers around my windpipe,
Around my vocal cords,
Squeezing, squeezing, until nothing but a
Whisper
Remained in my chest, my throat,
My lips, my teeth.

Sadness floated in my periphery, like the
Sun, too bright for me to gaze but the
Tightness lingers close enough to murmur
In my ear,
“You should be.”

Thank you Larry Marshall
For listening to my complaints
For putting up with my whining
And supporting it anyways.

Thank you Katja
For writing from your heart
I see you
I hear you
And it sounds awesome.

PRETTY LIES CANNOT DISGUISE
THE EMPTINESS BEHIND YOUR EYES
YOU LOVE TO TALK AND HATE TO THINK
WHY DO I EVEN TRY TO SPEAK?
YOUR EYES ARE CLOSED
YOUR EARS ARE CLOSED
YOUR MIND IS CLOSED
YOUR MOUTH WIDE OPEN
UNLIKE THIS FLOW
OF INK TO NOTE
YOU’LL NEVER KNOW
THE HEARTS YOU’VE BROKEN.

Am I supposed
To be here?
This doesn’t feel—
This doesn’t feel—

real.

I’m sleep-walking
Through a lucid dream.
It’s so, so loud.

I don’t hear anything at all.

My mind is only
Television static.
Why can’t I—
Why can’t I—

𝘉𝘶𝘻𝘻.

𝘉𝘦𝘦𝘱.

I am sick
Of everything
Being the same.
I am sick
Of people lying
And lying
And lying to me.
I am sick of having to tell
People what they want to hear.

I am sick
So sick
Don’t come near me
I’m contagious.

Everyone assumes
The sidekicks are always fine
‘Cause they’re too busy helping
When the hero cries
And the hero doesn’t have to worry
About getting hurt and dying
‘Cause you never **** off a hero
But the sidekick’s another story.
It hurts sometimes
For your story to be ignored
‘Cause we all got a story
But we are all told
That some are more important
Some mean more
But they’re wrong
Sidekicks have stories too
But no one cares about them
Until one of them is you.

i press the button, nothing, shake
it, nothing still, press and hold, nothing,
nothing but black screen, try again,
plug it in—where’s my plug?
no plug, no plug, it’s gone and
all that’s left is the darkness…how will
they know? how will they know i’m alive
and i care? how will they survive if I
cannot reply 24/7, 400 days a year? how will
they know i exist and i matter if i cannot remind
them, remind in a buzz and a banner,
remind them that i am still here? just a
few hours but in those few hours i will cease
to exist because i do not exist unless you
see me.

it’s the sound of a city if everyone died,
as empty as pity in pitiless eyes.