Sometimes
I am so quiet
I’m afraid I disappeared.

We’re so simple
So complicated,
We keep on
Making things complex
We just wish
For simplicity
But all we do
Is ponder complexities
That **** sapiens created.

I can’t just wish
And it will happen.

No,
Life likes to spice things up.
Unfortunately.

Extroverted introvert: ignorant to social graces.

It was yes or no,
Black and white,
But I’ve grown
Into seeing the gray.
I realized that there
Is a sky full of stars
In between the night
And the day.

Sky high
Towering above.
No one here
Is as tall as me.
It’s kind of lonely
Up here in the clouds.
No one is tall enough
To stay and chat.

To stay and chat
Towering above.
No one here
Is as tall as me.
It’s kind of lonely
Up here in the clouds.
No one is tall enough
Sky high.

Is the only thing
That is easy in life.

Sleep
Cradles you like a baby
And whispers sweet dreams in your ear
Making you forget
The cruelties of the world.

Sometimes I wish
I could stay asleep
All of the time.

Who doesn’t?

I want to erase the fingerprints
I leave on your days, weeks, and years,
To drain through the gaps
In your floorboards,
To float through life,
Unable to embrace but
Too incorporeal to be slapped.

I need to

go.

“don’t make yourself
small for anyone,”
You say to me.
i say nothing but i
think to myself,
“i used to be larger than life,
i used to be big as the house,
the stars,
i used to reach for the sky
but then
You told me to be quiet.”
“don’t let them push you around,”
You say—
but You told me not to fight.
don’t question, don’t argue
don’t cry, til i choke
on the tears that i swallow
down, down, down.
You tell me to be strong
but where do You think
i learned how to make myself weak?
i went and i made myself weak
for You.

is that not how i’m supposed to be?

The small details of things
Are often ignored
They remind me of me
Not exactly abhorred.

They may not be hated
But nobody notices them
They are often equated
To a single cent.

No one pays attention to pennies
Or any types of coins
Because no one cares to see
They’d rather avoid.

A small flame
Can burn a forest
And send smoke billowing.
Just one small flame
On a melting candle.

I just realized
We kind of get stupider
As we grow up.

For example:
5 year old: doesn’t care what mean people say.
10: starts to care
15: is obsessed

But we also kind of get smarter
5: no patience
10: no patience
15: no patience
20: no patience
25: no patience
30: patience
89: a crazy amount of patience

Humans are weird like that

I feel smeared
Like a cloud
Or gel pen ink.

S      M            E         A        R         E          D

Smiles are my glory,
Smiles are my friend.
But only when they’re real,
Real real real smiles.
But not when they hurt,
Forced to grin wide.
Happiness should not be forced.
It can’t be forced.

Smile.
Smile real.
Please.

I smile in the mirror
Trying not to cry.
I cannot comprehend
How my red eyes
And white teeth
Can coexist like this.
If only I could will
Myself to be happy.
I have to be happy
For the others.

So I grin
Because I read
Somewhere
That it could make
Me happy.

Living in a fantasy
Isn’t gonna change reality
This calamity
Can’t you see?
We’re breaking down
All this sound
Is slurring
These lines
Are blurring
Confusion rules the world
Leading to angry fists curled.

We are all soldiers
Fighting famine and sadness.
We’re fighting ourselves too, I think.
What a painstaking task
That we assign ourselves.

On a voyage quite far
I said to he
A solemn and silent elegy
Of times long past
When I was a child
Exulting in small things
Innocent and mild
Alas, but those days
are long gone
My anchor broke
My keel did yawn
As wide as the rack
That chased me so
When I was flung
So far from home
Tread on water, I did,
I swam and sank
A voyage I took
Until I saw seabank
That home that I thought
I knew as my own hand
But the home that I sought
Was no more than the sand
And now I shall sing
A solemn silent elegy
To childhood missing
Lost to a vicious sea.

You are somebody’s world
Remember this
Even when the Universe seems big and you feel small
It truly is gigantic
But to someone
They couldn’t care less
If the Universe burned in hell
As long as they still have you.

Can someone please
Answer this important query
For me?

Once you grow older
Maybe 23
Does it get easier
When you are free?

Or does it get harder
When you’re not told what to do
Weighed down by responsibilities
That depend on you.

Does it get better
As time goes by
Or does it stay the same
Or does it get worse?

I just want to write
Write out my feelings
But if you don’t have
Any feelings to start
With what do you do?

Have you ever met
Someone who took your breath away
Before they even spoke.
Someone who you KNEW
Was an amazing person.
You just knew it.
You could see the sparkle
In their eyes,
So gentle and kind...

Oh, how I wish
To meet someone like this!

If you want my real
You gotta deal with my tears
And if you want my honesty
You gotta let me be me.

I don’t hide
It’s not my thing
And when I tried
You could see
Right
Through
Me.

Because if you want my real
You gotta let me feel
The way I feel
Because I won’t pretend here.

Sometimes I’m sad
Sometimes I’m stressed
Sometimes I wish
I stayed in bed.
Sometimes I break
Sometimes I’m
Not okay
Sometimes I’m weak
It’s a part of
My humanity.

Because I’m human
And I am flawed
I am broke
I am imperfect
And I don’t care.

I want to be real
I don’t want to disappear
I want something that
Won’t fade away.

I’m trying so hard
But nothing is working
I’m doing my best
So why am I hurting
I thought I was better
Things starting to look up
But things aren’t going
The way that I want it
I know that it never
Was really a promise
But I thought I was lucky
Why don’t I feel like it
Sometimes I am drowning
In all of my stress
And sometimes I just wish
That it would all end
You keep saying I’m okay
“Don’t you give up.”
But I tried that already
So please just shut up
And I sound so annoying
And whiny and loud
I’m sorry that I can’t
Just go with the crowd
I’m not trying to stand out
Just trying to forget
About all the times I messed up
But I haven’t done it yet
And I’m sorry
I’m so sorry
That you gotta deal
With all of my spewing
But I gotta heal
And sometimes the screaming
And the “letting it all out”
Works for me well
But I’m sorry I don’t make sense
But that’s not what this is about
Too bad this is so long
Just me rambling on
And I think that I’ll go now
Don’t got more to say
So goodbye for tonight
Goodbye for today.

I haven’t been here for a while
To make all my readers smile
I used to write every day
Guess that went away,
Anyway
I’m sorry!

I’m sorry
I was such a worry
I’m not my sister
You wished her
Niceness would bleed into me
No
My wrists are unscathed
I’m afraid that’ll change

I’m sorry.
I know you were just trying to help.
I don’t know why,
But I almost felt attacked.
I know I made a mistake
But I wasn’t thinking.
I keep on making mistakes.
Too many.
I make more mistakes than most,
I think.
It’s almost as if I never learn.
Or maybe I learn,
And forget.
But I am sorry
I was just trying to run away
Because I needed to give myself space
Away from reality.

I’m in a soundproof room.
So are you.
I beat the walls
And scream
And cry
But you don’t hear me.
I can feel that
You’re shouting for me too.
I’m sorry I can’t save you.

why does this ink look like a bloodstain?
it sings like writing on the wall.
it stings like the mirror i shattered
and the darkness i spilled and i splattered.

why does this page allow its face
to be struck, scarred, mangled, and marked?
these words tear themselves apart at the seams
eviscerate themselves to understand what they mean.

why does this poet stretch her jaw ‘til it breaks
just to show the world what’s inside?
she should hide. she should hide!
but the price of her pride
is to endlessly, manically 𝒎𝒂𝒌𝒆.

Artists
Are like sponges.
They absorb
Life
Feelings
experiences
Just to
Spit it out
As art.

If creativity was a pond,
It would have grown stagnant by now.
The slippery moss of logic
Would have plagued the cattail of imagination
And the pond would grow murky and muddy.

Thankfully,
Creativity is like a river
Always full of life.
Things come and go,
Things are created there.
Moving water.
Never growing stagnant.

Still waters run deep.
Still water people are rare to find
And even harder to keep.

Loud waters run shallow
Some of them are rather foul.

Still waters run deep
With an even deeper soul.

Ink runs down the paper
Like my words are crying too.
I write these for a person.
Someone, I don’t know who.

Thought is so unnecessary,
And yet these thoughts run rampant here,
They rage inside my untrained mind,
My calls no one can hear.

In a room all by myself,
Screeches fill the air,
But only I can hear them.
All you hear is
Stone
Cold
Silence.

You’re polished
Squeaky clean marble.
You look at me and see
A young stone too rough.
I am not experienced.
You pretend you are
But you’re actually a rock
That just got thrown in a river.

How am I supposed to
Focus on algebra
When I feel like
I’m exploding inside.

You’re the kind of person
That would tell me
To stop exploding.

I’m the gun
And you’ve already pulled the trigger.

It used to be so sunny.
There wasn’t a cloud in the sky
But now it’s raining (not raining money)
And I can’t help but ask myself why.

Why am I so blue
Why is everything turning grey
I’m missing someone (don’t know who)
Maybe it’s just a rainy day.

Why can’t I dance in the rain?
Why is the water so cold?
Why are the skies hailing with pain?
Why can’t I just do what I’m told?

Is it so strange
To create
Without thinking?
Is it so strange
To express
Without expressing
Yourself?
Is it SO STRANGE
To simply create
For the sake of it?

Am I the only one who does?

I think I actually
Hate this feeling.
You’re not supposed to
Make me nervous.
You’re not supposed to
Plant seeds in my mind,
Strange seeds that grow strange fruit.
Or, at least you didn’t used to.

I don’t know why I bother at all.

I never did say
That it was a good idea
Did I?

I need to get ready for the day
Wow the snowflakes are big
Dang it it’s gonna be cold
Dang it I have to wear a dress to church and it’s cold
Ah frick.

Stuck in the past
On a line that I cast
Afraid to be lost
Afraid of the cost.

Stuck in a desert
The land’s dry and grey
Stuck in a desert
Far far away
Don’t miss food or water
Though I probably should
Of all things that I need,
I miss you more than food.

her voice shivered on the precipice.
everything sounded like begging.
i felt it rise like bile but i
swallowed it whole and became a
good little soldier in the line of
fire. left-right-left-left
left-right-left right out that door
and pulled in all directions, feeling the
beginnings
of unraveling.

it feels like sinking.

it feels like the way wet paper
disintegrates
under the weight of
your touch, rends itself more
with each attempt to hold it
together. no, no glue
can fix this, nothing
can fix this now.

but i am a good soldier.

left-right-left-left
left-right-left-left
left-right-le­ft-left
left-right—
screeching, screeching,
jagged and ******
across the chalkboard.

suddenly sprinting, screaming—the kind
that rips out of the hole forming
inside you, landslides and avalanches, the
shriek of stone to rock to dirt.

roadside, arms flailing, trying
so hard to be seen.

𝘸𝘩𝘺 𝘪𝘴 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘳𝘦 𝘯𝘰𝘵𝘩𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘸𝘩𝘺 𝘪𝘴 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘳𝘦 𝘯𝘰𝘵𝘩𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘸𝘩𝘺 𝘪𝘴 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘳𝘦 𝘯𝘰𝘵𝘩𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘸𝘩𝘺 𝘪𝘴 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘳𝘦 𝘯𝘰𝘵𝘩𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘸𝘩𝘺 𝘪𝘴 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘳𝘦 𝘯𝘰𝘵𝘩𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘸𝘩𝘺 𝘪𝘴 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘳𝘦 𝘯𝘰𝘵𝘩𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘸𝘩𝘺 𝘪𝘴 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘳𝘦 𝘸𝘩𝘺 𝘸𝘩𝘺 𝘸𝘩𝘺 𝘸𝘩𝘺 𝘸𝘩𝘺 𝘸𝘩𝘺 𝘸𝘩𝘺—

suddenly, the sound of sirens.

Sun, shining so, so bright
A warm light after the night.
Forever bathe me in your rays
And keep me in your steady gaze.

People may be dying right now
People may be crying right now
People may be hurting right now
But at least it’s sunny out today!

The sunset shines so stunningly
These pretty pinks so ennobling
A colorful chromatic symphony
Ending so freaking quickly
Fading into night.

Sunshine and butterflies
Don’t live in this world of mine
I never new how to not fail
I think I’ll just stop trying