It’s strange seeing all of my high school friends who were in JROTC with me,
They all joined the military and are leading amazing lives.
I often think about what could’ve happened if I didn’t have to drop out and work.
I’d probably be living my life, I would’ve graduated and joined.
Maybe then everything would’ve been better.
Now I just gotta work harder to catch up

The first dream was the snake,
Then it was the lions in a den.
Next it was you asking me to come down to las cruces again,
You wanted to move away with me.
The plan was we’d move to North Dakota or Minnesota.
Montana was a possibility.
Either way I was to come get you,
So I did.
Everything was going good until he showed up and started arguing.
I kept packing your things and you tried to tell him to leave.
He tried to **** you, lunging at you with that knife.
Instead he had to fight me,
Even though he had stabbed me three times I hit him as hard as I could.
I could’ve killed him, punch after punch.
He was unrecognizable,
Then out of no where a girl plunged the knife in my back.
It was the girl he cheated on you with.
You hated her and knowing she did that, you saw red.
It didn’t take much for you to end things for her.
In the dream I feel like I’m dying but I don’t.
I wake up.
These dreams don’t seem to stop every night it’s a new one
Premonitions?
Warnings?
Signs?
I don’t know.
They terrify me with how clear & precise they are.
Somethings going to happen,
I tried to tell you but as usual you don’t want to listen to anyone but yourself.
So I wait.

Your first mistake was thinking you could even speak her name.
That’s my world and I’ll still do whatever it takes to make sure she’s happy and safe.
Even from you.

It’s annoying how no one can grasp the idea of me being single.
Apparently “you are too cute! You’re so hot! You are literally the biggest sweetheart”
And no matter how many times I say it,
Everyone chooses for me I suppose.
Everyone else knows best.

What do you do when your entire world is flipped?
When you think you finally know all the variables only to learn that it was all a lie?
That you’re really nothing.
No one.
For a time I was the son of a powerful and terrifying man with a dark history,
The son of a woman who left me to have a better life.
I learned many things from a sister who was an evil that knew the best.
I admired a brother who was a formidable force.
Most of my life was just endless pain and torment from all sides
It’s all I’ve ever known.
Only to find out it was all a lie.

I pushed her as far away as I could.

One day, I’ll stop writing
One day, I’ll stop dreaming
One day, I’ll stop believing
One day, I’ll stop hoping
One day, I’ll stop trying
One day there will be no more poems written by me
And there won’t be anymore pain
One day I’ll be gone
Maybe it’s today

Jolted up in a cold sweat,
I remember why I try not to sleep.
The dreams are back again, the horrible nightmares.
Seeing her smile, hearing her voice before I wake up in the dream and I get the call.
“She’s gone”

I know now that one day I will die,
Sudden and quick.
And I know that in this life I was meant to find you but never call you mine.
I’m too messed up, too damaged and too broken and you’ll always try to save me.
I can’t let you do that…not without losing yourself.
I love you, more than you know and I’ll never stop loving you.
Choose him instead of me,
And hope it was the right choice because I will worry everyday if it was…
Because I can handle that and I don’t want to put your through that…

Her smile was tender, his heart was stone.
The voices finally won.
The ones he loved at the time dealt the blow.
It was her laughter, that sweet little giggle.
How she never gave up on him,
Through the hard times with no money to show.
The I love yous and the soft kisses.
He wasn’t perfect and she didn’t care about perfection.
Together their life became better than they knew.

Death was comforting,
It was silent, still & peaceful.
Then I heard the rumbling, the cracking.
It was the first time I saw the thunderclouds roaring their tremendous roar.
The lightning piercing the sky and the hill.
I heard “not yet”
That’s when I felt the air in my lungs again,
She was still ontop of me punching with all of her might,
Choking me once again.
Smile on her face.
I used whatever I had left to push her off me,
I pushed her back so she was standing and I could finally stand up.
I knew my family was right outside that hotel room door and I couldn’t see out of my right eye but I opened the door. They walked in looks of horror as they saw my bloodied beaten face.
I turned back and there she was sitting as if nothing happened.
The irony of all this is that I never hit her once.
I didn’t want to hurt her,
Regardless of me not fighting back,
She enjoyed it.

I have to lose her to make it work

I feel as if my time is near its end.
Premonitions haunt my mind as it also drains my soul.
I’ve lived through many instances where either I should’ve died or that I did and someone or something always brought me back.
Repeated pressure on my chest,
Forcing air into my lungs.
No one ever tells you how much it hurts when you finally inhale that deep exhausting and painful breath.
How your eyes are watery and burn.
Your chest feels like it’s been crushed.
Your throat is drier than the Gobi desert.
Then everything else hurts,
Your head pounds for a while.
Everything is laggy vision wise.
Hearing is echoey.
Or another thing,
The electrical shock to your chest.
You wake up tingly.
Same painful breaths and all of the above,
Just add tingly.
Like your entire body was nerve wise asleep and it’s all tingly.
-
Every time I’ve come back I feel less.
This last time I came back she was still punching my face.
Couldn’t see out of my right eye,
My neck felt like barbed wire was wrapped around it and rubbed it raw.
The aftermath of her choking the life out of me.
And for what?
Unresolved issues that she never spoke of to any of her family,
Yet takes every aggression out on me.
The one person who would never hit her,
And just let her do it.

Honestly I didn’t plan for this to happen but I’m glad you’re here.
I met you last summer after I’d gone through the worst breakup I’ve ever had.
And here you are again,
It can’t be anything more than coincidence right?
Never thought I’d find you again. Or you find me.
Guess I gotta move to England sometime haha

‘Have a little faith in me’ plays softly in the background as we dance under our night sky.
The clock strikes 12, fireworks all throughout the city welcome in a new year.
As we share our first New Years kiss together,
This moment frozen in time with full realization that we would never have to feel the same hurt from those who we were with just a year before.
No more false I love yous, no more half effort.
No worry of jealousy or anger, immaturity.
The beautiful moment signifying something new, safe and free.
-
Today we play ‘Have a Little Faith In Me’ and I love seeing you smiling,
It’s full of hope and excitement.
Making snow angels in the backyard or snowboarding at the resort.
Snow ball fights and sledding.
Gaming all night or binge watching Greys Anatomy,
Marvel vs DC comparisons, taking our pups Daeny and Brady on hikes.
Life is good finally
Finally we can be who we are,
With no one to hold us back from becoming who we are meant to be.

You were right Delyla.
I can never be a good person even though I tried.
And I’m also sorry that I didn’t try harder.

You thought I was in a relationship already?
Oh if only you knew what was really going on
But okay since I’m claimed by you
Who’s the ****** ?

Tonight the dream was me back home,
Visiting my uncles grave.
And you were there with me.
We were happy & somehow it all worked out.

Two options.
Tell her the truth and end it in a nice way, but she’ll come back or you’ll go back. Whole toxic cycle.
Or
Be the bad guy, break her heart so she can actually heal. Push her towards the guy who’s better. So she can be happier.
I just hope I chose right.

Losing your identity because the one you love and that “loves” you takes a bigger toll than you think.
At first Della presented herself as supportive,
Come to find out once again silenced.
I put my head down hoping to lessen the vibes in the room.
Never really got to speak my mind, share my views.
Always met with the disregard,
The instantaneous change of subject.
Luckily now I am able to speak freely,
Now I am with someone who is interested and open to learning more.
Trust me I talk a lot especially when I’m excited :)
It’s refreshing to be able to be proud of who I am and where I come from without the belittling by someone who said they love me

I’ve not slept for a week,
The pain is excruciating.
It’s all a blur now,
Every blink remains fuzzy.
Any attempt to sleep is met by haunting nightmares that violently clash with reality.
The pain comes in waves and heartbeat pounds echoing in my head.
Everyone laughed when I would say eventually I’d be hurt beyond repair,
From broken ribs, to the broken bone in my hand.
The cracked hip,
The sternum that sharp stabbing pain.
Now I suffer the truth I begged them all to see.
I begged for peace in my life before it got to this point.
They’ve all promised peace and happiness yet I am always met with violence and chaos.
I have no room left for anyone,
Pain is now my only friend.
Yet I still smile for the world to see so I do not have to bear others pity.
I suffer in the silence,
So others will never notice a thing.
Even she promised that she loved me,
The first person I ever believed.
She left all the same.
The girl with golden pocket brown eyes that I trusted wholeheartedly.
She would probably be happy that I live this way now.
She seemed to love others pain.
Least I could I do this to make her happy one more time.

We game
We laugh
We joke & even cry.
Always goofy friends with endless hours talking away and laughing even if the video game frustrates us..
Yet suddenly one day i noticed the change in your voice, it was more nervous high pitched.
We started talking about relationships,
Now we FaceTime before going to bed,
Talking about the what ifs.
We look out for each other,
Noticing when somethings wrong…
I think that maybe this time…
I hope this time,
The universe answered my prayers,
And she’s the one.
Of course we are both worried about the what if we break up and it’s hard to be friends again…
That worry comes to mind yet here she is…
Telling me it’s going to be okay, she’s got my back like I have hers.
Now it’s the plane ride over and she’s in my arms
Gently stroking her hair and she snuggles closer to me,
Safety.
The one thing we’ve both longed for.
She sets up her PS4 and we game till we want to watch a movie.
“It’s going to be okay, even if it’s a lot to handle sometimes. Life does that, challenges us.”
She falls asleep so soundly and peacefully,
With her nestled in my arms I too drift off.
I love waking up next to her, as she smiles every morning telling me she loves me dearly
Maybe this time the universe is indeed kind,
We both longed for this,
The safety and peace we never had before.

Now we shall see who’s gods prevail.
Mine have been protected me all my life,
Yours have fiction.
Now watch,
I was told to be patient and patient I was.
I know death, fear anger and pain.
Now it’s my turn,
My time has come.
You talk of demons,
I’ve known them as friends.

Books, movies tv shows.
I’ve learned many things from them,
One lesson from a show that I remember now,
That in the face of any trial or tribulation,
I can overcome it.
To stick to what’s right, the truth.

Demons from the past have come to haunt me.
Her cries seemed sincere.
Her voice was broken.
The mere utterance of I love you was true.
The girl id played in the summer suns for hours,
Mud pies, digging canals and eating snow cones with…
Her voice was shaky.
It was full of truth that I didn’t hear…
Full of love I dare not accept..
She was running.
Like I did.
Running only I had escaped and she never did…
The girl with the brightest smile dimmed by a father who never knew love only showed discipline in his words.
A family that lasted generations,
Now ends…
Not with me.
With the brightest star in all of heaven.
The woman who found her courage…
The woman I turned my back on while I chased a life we both longed for…
My dear beloved sister you won’t be forgotten…
I’ll forget many throughout my life but only you will remain in my heart…
I hated you even resented you…
Now I only wish to feel your hugs once again.
Those hugs full of love that I never had yet now I know you loved me.
You protected me as best as you could…
I’ll hate them forever for what they’ve done to you…
Our lives have always been secretive and silent..
Yet even now with you gone…
I feel an emptiness I’ve never known…
I curse this cruel world.
Were there actual people who cared then maybe you’d still be here..
A pipe dream because the truth is there is no such thing…
The good ones die,
The rotten get to live

I had good intentions. But I’ll always be the *******.
Even when it hurts it’s okay
Whatever you need

Another year coming to a close,
The truth standing in front of me.
I enjoy the pain and the hurt,
I don’t like hurting people.
I surround myself with those with the worst intentions,
The pain keeps me blurred and moving.
How incredibly pathetic of me,
Yet I now know this is my life and how it was destined to be.

I could never hate you,
You were the brightest light of my life.
The girl I wanted to marry and wake up next to every morning.
The girl id hoped was to be the mother of our children.
The girl I loved more than anything,
The girl who’s father I promised to always take care of.
You’re also the girl who hurt me the most,
And I needed that.
I needed to be broken and destroyed to my core,
If it wasn’t for everything I wouldn’t have grown up.
I wouldn’t have become who I am now and will be.
Again I could never hate you only smile when you come into my life even if it’s only to leave again.
Maybe you are the one,
Maybe not.
My promise stays true,
And if you aren’t the one then I know the one will never misunderstand that I am going to keep my word till the day I die.
I truly just want to live and be happy.
Goof around and watch my shows,
Go to work and accomplish wonders.
I suppose time always does tell.
Maybe you are the one,
Maybe not.

I leave it in the hands of the gods.
I ask that they are merciful on her just as they have been with me,
I ask that they are swift in Justice with him as they were with me.

“**** I miss you dude! I miss us all together and stuff ya know what happened to you?”
My response to this was
I’ve learned to be alone, I like it. You are one of many and all that left. One of the many I gave chances after chances, you came and left every time. You know it’s funny when people think we can just pick up where we left off, it doesn’t work like that. I gave too many pieces of me away. Hoping that at least one of you would actually stay and see that’s yes I do care about you I’ll be here no matter what. But you all just took the pieces of me that I gave to make yourselves feel better and when you did you left. I have no more to give. I don’t even know who I am anymore, I don’t recognize myself. The world and all the people who said “they love me” have taken it all and I gladly gave it all, just so you all would be happy. Many of you don’t even realize it or care about it and that’s fine. I even distinctly remember telling everyone the same thing, About how much it hurt how I started to feel myself drain or that I was losing who I was.
And still,
Everyone’s selfish.
Now I found my peace in being alone.
It’s a comfort knowing that no one can hurt me anymore.

In the End,
Becoming a ghost,
Focusing on myself rather than pleasing everyone.
Truly was the right decision.
The liars exposed, selfish were knocked of their high horses.
All masks one by one all removed.
In the End,
I’m growing, healing, hard working.
All the hard work is paying off.
If only they would’ve just believed in me like I  believed in them.

She doesn’t know,
I have to hurt myself everytime I feel happy.
She doesn’t know that the girl before I’ve protected.
I told the other girl it was okay everytime she hurt me.
I have to protect her from the dark reality of you can’t even be really happy.
Even if you are…
You’re just never enough.
For anyone.
Even the girl who smiles so gently, who bought a plane ticket when your job called saying you hurt your back and you’re on your way to hospital.
You can’t and you’re willing to let her go because you are nothing compared to what she deserves.
You’re nothing.
No one.
What matters is you make enough money and you are able to take care of everyone it doesn’t matter how hard or how long you work
No one knows
no one cares.
You can’t do anything without your back.
So don’t get anyones hopes up.
So you break their hearts,
Because you can’t tell them you love them so much that you have to.

My reactions are overreactions
My sadness is overcome and protected by anger
I am not in control and I am trying to learn how to control them
I am not the demons in my head
I am not the monster
I can be better
I can be in control.
I don’t want to be this way anymore
I don’t want to be the one screaming and begging for help inside
While angrily yelling outside and pushing everyone away
Help...
Please be patient with me...

Can someone explain to me why I have to be the one people take their **** out on?
Like I’m trying to be a good person and be there for the people I care about because **** i don’t want anyone to feel how I do when no one checks on me or really cares for that matter.
But it’s like when I try to, and honestly it’s scary as **** because everyone reacts different,
And It Never Fails!
They snap at me and then somehow I’m just an ******* who doesn’t actually care about them and I’m just “acting”.
Seriously?
Please by all that is good and sacred please can everyone in my life for once just take all their **** out on someone else and notice that I actually am here and I actually am trying to be there for them?
No?
Well ****.

It was then,

That I felt truly
Absolutely
Alone

There are days where I wish that I hadn’t gotten out of that vehicle that burned & the flames roared.
I should’ve stayed in that seat,
Life wouldve went on for a lot of people.
I’d fade away from memory and existence.
No one would care to even remember why should they?
If I had accepted that it was the end of all things for me,
I’d be at peace now.
Not this hollow shell of whoever I thought I was before.
Terrified of the world
Pressured now to enjoy the life I have.
That’s the problem,
I can’t because there never was any reason to enjoy it before and maybe I had cheated death.
Maybe I was supposed to go.
Next time I wont try to intervene,
Next time I will go gladly

It’s almost poetic,
Ones forever loved and will always be perfect and remembered.
And then there’s me.
As always there has to be balance right?
When there’s good there has to be bad.
Somehow I’m the bad one.
I’m the one who will never be accepted.
The one who’s going to always be remembered as the villain.
As the entire truth is twisted to fit both of our needs.
I see it now.
I was the perfect choice to be the opposite wasn’t I.
A stupid boy who only knew how to run or who tried too hard to be better than what he was.
A idiotic boy who was accustomed to being the one who everyone threw their blame.
A boy who didn’t know how to react to anything other than to scream out of the pain.
Who didn’t know how to even react,
Just a scared pathetic boy who reacted.
Now he’s forever the villain in your story.
Family is lie to him.
Even though he hoped and prayed every night for one.
Love is dangerous to him,
Even though he wished for the warmth of it.
Stability, happiness, joy.
All the things he wished for throughout his childhood,
The very things he envied every other person for.
There’s no chance for him.
The odds were always against him.
Yet now that he’s older & a little wiser now he realizes he was meant to be your villain. Or at least your families villain
He sees the truth.
His entire life has been for a reason,
He’s meant to be villain isn’t he?
He prayed to whatever god would listen that he could be shown what he needed to be for you.
And little did he know…
He was meant to be the villain in your story,
You deserve better, the balance.

I tried living a normal life.
Had a best friend who was always there and we talked about everything and hoped dreamed.
Planned traveling the world and going back home.
Everything was perfect.
Until I lost my best friend. My only friend.
Now I have no one.
No lover no best friend
Nothing

Life is full of triggers.
Everyday I get sent back to the fire.
Everyday at some point I am back in the fight or flight mode.
Life is dangerous.
Love is dangerous.
Yet I also remember that I started moving when I could’ve stayed frozen in that moment.
I could’ve stayed still and prayed someone else would’ve helped me.
Instead I chose to move, I chose to find a way out.
I chose to pull myself and her out.
I chose to keep going.
Even when everything started to hurt physically, emotionally, mentally.
When the adrenaline started to wear off on that hospital bed and all I could hear was the echoing roaring flames and popping, the explosions.
And the beeping of the heart monitor skyrocketing.
The moment I saw my sister and the look on her face, I collapsed into her arms and she held me.
I broke down like never before,
In that moment I was vulnerable.
Exposed.
Yet all I felt was love and comfort.
Even to this day I call or my sister checks in and I know there’s a reason I moved.
There’s a reason every single doctor, police officer and firefighter kept telling me over and over that I did something.
I saved someone.
I moved quick and I did everything right.
My aunt telling me that she can’t wait to see how I use my “gift” for something good and great.
How everyone always told me before that my ADHD was something annoying or bad or that I will always be a bother.
I learned that it’s helpful.
I processed everything in my head,
Staying in that van and hoping someone else gets us,
Staying and just accepting that this is it.
Or moving.
“Gotta move. Gotta get us out. We gotta go home. How do we get home.”
In the end,
It was terrifying, it still haunts me.
The pictures and videos are nothing compared to how it was.
They don’t show exactly what it was.
The reality was so much worse.

If it is was a lie,
If I was deceitful.
I wouldn’t be here:
Trying every time hoping that you’d see.
It’s you.

It was a 10 hour gaming session with her that I kept asking if she was tired and she responded with,
“I love spending time with you”
That’s when I knew that it’s true,
God really sends the one when it’s the right time

Fuzzy,
The blurred line we cross when you are too drunk no one seems to be able to stand you.
You call sobbing, yelling, angry, sad, hurt or broken.
For that night you’re completely happy with me.
I’m your favorite person, you even talk about being together again.
We laugh, talk and jump on apex.
Watch a movie till you go to sleep.
The morning after,
You’re cold.
Suddenly I’m the devil in your eye.
All the problems in the world are somehow my fault.
But how could they be?
You state everytime that you have your own life,
Therefore shouldn’t the problems you bear be of your own making?
You take advantage of people because it seems that you cannot take responsibility for the hurt you cause yourself.
I promised I’d always be here, and yet lately it’s been taking a bigger toll on me.
One day you’re proud of me,
You want to be together again.
You talk of our future and I catch you smiling at me with love in your eyes.
Then I’m not the one for you.
You love me
Then you say you hate me.
You promise to stay again,
Only to leave in the harshest way than you left the other times.
If only you knew how it would be so much better if you’d stay,
And now I’m realizing that if you do.
You’ll always leave and run to the next person who’s only there to use you.
Then you’ll come back when they hurt you again and again and again.
I hope one day you grow up,
I hope one day you’ll see.
And I’ll be there.
Right now it hurts yet I will still be here,
Because that’s you do for someone you love.
Hope and pray that will grow,
That one day hopefully they will see what you’ve always seen in them.
And hope that they choose you too.

Even admits the horror of that room,
She stayed.
She held onto me as long as she could before I needed to head to the emergency room.
Even now she wonders everyday asking how I am.
How could someone so beautiful be with me?
It never ceases to amaze of how much she’s lost yet she always has the biggest and brightest smile.
Holding her as her arms wrapped around my chest is the most safe place for both us.
Laughing over who gets the last chicken strip or watching the Office.
Listening to the sound of a thunderstorm and showing her there’s beauty in the storm and her teaching me that there’s also danger.
She’s my other half,
The one I was searching for.
She’s the reason I found that all the love stories and poems, books, songs, movies, shows.
All was written for.
Her family is open and kind.
Her hugs are warm yet she always says she’s cold
Which she did just tell me today that she loves my hugs that why she always says she’s cold haha

It was dangerous the way he loved her,
Fierce & intensity rising.
He found that even in his cold dark heart there was a warm soft just for her.
The demons of his past would never stop chasing, the sins of his father bloodied his sleeve a deep crimson red.
Left with one option, to keep her safe.
Push her as far away as possible,
And yet still here we are.
Entwined in each other’s lives.

Todays the day everyone decided to have their mental breakdowns.
My mother trashed the house,
My ex blames me for messaging her off random numbers & lost her cat.
My former best friend could be headed to the mental hospital.
Another family member is in the psych ward,
My father nearly wrecked my truck.
My neighbors argued and the result was a busted windshield.
My aunt is filing for divorce after her meltdown.
And ironically I woke up thinking today would be a good day.
All these people have something in common that I find a little funny,
They’ve all told me the same thing.
That when I broke down or when I was hurting I was just being dramatic or they ignored me.
Belittled me, used my past against me, completely degraded me for breaking down.
Or laughed when I cried, smiled when I would say that I couldn’t do it anymore.
And most of them were practically begging for comfort yet I have none to give.
And I warned them all the same,
That I felt it depleting more and more.
So now it’s my turn to laugh and smile.
Enjoy the villain you created
While I enjoy your pain as you’ve enjoyed mine

Two completely different individuals who are destined to destroy in one way or another.
A dangerous union,
Many have warned about the coming calamity.
One will have praises & the love of many.
The other will have been broken & battered.
One has the heart of a lion yet piously flawed.
The other who’s lived a life as all lone wolves do, hanging on.
A reminder of characters from the tale of Fire & Ice.
One lives their life as if nothing happened,
After they’ve betrayed, lied, laughed & poetically killed the other.
Broke their spirit & destroyed what soul they had left.
In the end the pious lion always goes on & tells the tale of how they were always innocent.
Stalking their next prey,
Yet somehow their forked silver tongue always let’s them get away.
A long list of now broken naive people,
A pile of broken hearts & shattered dreams.
All for one’s ego.
Little did they know that maybe just one would be their greatest mistake.
That one person becomes the monster of their own design,
Now truly there is one who became more than just prey.

She asked me why I don’t want to be in a relationship,
I replied that it wasn’t her fault.
I’ve been told for two straight years how terrible of a person I am,
How nothing I do will ever matter.
I’ve been told that I am not smart, I don’t know what I’m doing.
And a lot more, the problem is I believed her.
I believed her because I loved her.
And that did more damage.
I don’t trust myself or anyone.
How can I?
Her only reply is so simple and so sweet,
“When you’re ready I’m here, until then I hope I can show you that she was wrong. Because I see so much more. I love you even when you don’t love yourself I love you.”
And everyday since she’s told me that she’s definitely kept that promise.
It’s hard, most days I don’t talk to anyone yet she still checks on me.
That’s something that I never got before,
All I can say I don’t deserve her but everyday I hope to be the best I can for her and for me.