Binge watching Stranger Things,
Her favorite show.
Come to find out 80s show that I stayed away from for god knows why.
Something about her,
Breath of fresh air.
Before I clock into work she tells me to be safe & she’ll be up at 3 am when I get off from work.
Just like clock work she’s up and sends a video of her with the biggest smile because I sent her videos and pictures of what I’m working on that night.
I get home and right away snacks and stranger things.
Sometimes we cook dinner well early breakfast.
I find a record for us to listen to, it’s just us for those early morning hours.
Sleep has never felt so amazing before in my life.
I’ve loved you forever
And forever will I always love you

Panic.
Suddenly breathing is harder, abrupt inhales and sharp exhales.
Stomach tightens and jaw clenched.
Whatever you do…
Don’t
React.
Whether the reaction is positive or negative, it’s all perceived as negative in everyone’s eyes.
You can’t **** up.
You came too far to lose it all by showing what you’re feeling.
Don’t cry
Don’t get angry
Don’t let it hurt
Don’t smile
Don’t scream
Don’t laugh
Don’t Do Anything.
You know that whatever you do it all falls back on you.
The shaking and twitching starts because you’re muscles have been tight for too long.
Just keep a blank face.
It’s okay.
You didn’t do anything wrong…
It was out of your control…
Even standing in the shower away from everyone, tears build up but they can’t come out.
That’s when I realized it’s fear…
Fear of losing everything I’ve worked for.
Fear of not being good enough.
Oh that repetitive thought.
The whole car ride home was intense,
Hearing all the bills piling up, the persistent reminder that I have to save my money but somehow pay all the bills.
I just needed my phone service turned on and listen to music, even that I couldn’t do.
This whole night one thing after another,
I will say I am proud that regardless I somehow have gotten through it.
Now I’m hoping that she reads the message about how my phone service wasn’t on…
Either way…
Panic…
Just can’t show it.
So I lay here body twitching under the stress.
Knowing that in just a few hours,
It all starts again.
Hopefully it’ll be an easier day.
Just need to get to the weekend.
Breathe…

She stays awake to make sure I get home safely.
We tease each other and have been talking almost nonstop every day.
Her smile is warm and she isn’t scared to be a little goofy.
Honestly I’m glad I didn’t just jump into a relationship,
Because I can’t imagine ever hurting her.
I use to be a really immature guy but with her I can’t imagine ever being like that.
She inspires me,
To be better to grow.
To be the better man than I know I can be,
And to give her the world.
She deserves it,
And I’ll find the way to make it happen

“Who hurt you?”
She asked softly in the dim lit room.
-
“Her among many others, many whom came in the form of love, comfort, safety or the promise of happiness.”
He said while his mind wandered into the dark corners
“She became the best and the worst all so quickly, and I was foolish enough to believe her words of love and kindness for actions do indeed speak louder than words. History repeats and eventually we’re  all pawns in her game.”

Love is a dangerous thing,
You can put yourself on the line over and over again because you care about that one person so much.
In the end they just leave, they’ll never know much you sacrificed for them.
They don’t care why should they?
Being alone is better.

It’s almost poetic,
Ones forever loved and will always be perfect and remembered.
And then there’s me.
As always there has to be balance right?
When there’s good there has to be bad.
Somehow I’m the bad one.
I’m the one who will never be accepted.
The one who’s going to always be remembered as the villain.
As the entire truth is twisted to fit both of our needs.
I see it now.
I was the perfect choice to be the opposite wasn’t I.
A stupid boy who only knew how to run or who tried too hard to be better than what he was.
A idiotic boy who was accustomed to being the one who everyone threw their blame.
A boy who didn’t know how to react to anything other than to scream out of the pain.
Who didn’t know how to even react,
Just a scared pathetic boy who reacted.
Now he’s forever the villain in your story.
Family is lie to him.
Even though he hoped and prayed every night for one.
Love is dangerous to him,
Even though he wished for the warmth of it.
Stability, happiness, joy.
All the things he wished for throughout his childhood,
The very things he envied every other person for.
There’s no chance for him.
The odds were always against him.
Yet now that he’s older & a little wiser now he realizes he was meant to be your villain. Or at least your families villain
He sees the truth.
His entire life has been for a reason,
He’s meant to be villain isn’t he?
He prayed to whatever god would listen that he could be shown what he needed to be for you.
And little did he know…
He was meant to be the villain in your story,
You deserve better, the balance.

Every villain needs their arch in the stories.
After years of constant pain & betrayals,
Now the time has come.
After trying to be the good person that everyone says you can be,
There’s a breaking point.
Time to give them hell,
My life is my own.
And by my side,
The woman who shares the ideology of its us before anyone.
Who shares the experiences of pain.
Together we build a world to call our own.
Shrugging off with a smile as those who use to hold us back try once again to hurt us.
They hold no power,
They are where they are meant to be,
Below
Behind
In the past

Who knew,
The little things you do.
Mean so much more than have come before you.
To my surprise,
We got matching red & black shoes.
And you got that red & black hoodie to match mine.
We’d gone our separate ways before,
Yet here you are and I love you all the more.
From best friends to now lovers,
You smile and my heart skips a beat.
Somehow I can’t help but feel that we were always meant to meet that one day walking down those halls