I will make them all regret the day they turned their backs on me.
I will rise above more than they could ever accomplish.
I do not believe that the gods have protected me from death numerous times just so I live a small pathetic life like they all wanted me to.
In one way or another they’ve all tried to make me into their own perceptions.
They all have their ideas of me, yet they all made the mistake that they know me.
Or know what they’ve created,
How much I’ve let happen because I believe that people can care about you.
It’s a disgusting lie they tell themselves.
The truth is I was the fool for telling them parts of me that they ultimately used for their own gain.
I’ve been belittled, degraded, betrayed.
I am the fool,
Because I believe their disgusting lie.
Now they will regret it.
They will wish they were better than the **** they are.
And this time when they cry for their losses and their pain deep down I hope they know,
I was always the one who tried to protect them.
No more.
By all the gods I pray for vengeance, revenge.

I’m self aware & mentally ill
I am overwhelmed by the emotions I’ve suppressed for so long
Being in my relationship with this amazing woman who only asks for love and to not be taken for granted has opened my eyes to everything I’ve blocked and tucked away
My counselor says that I was misdiagnosed, I do have ADHD and also Autism.
I’ve masked my innocence and my loving nature with the benefits of my first diagnosis.
I’ve learned to become a narcissist,
I’ve learned to become what I’ve always tried to protect myself from
And my relationship is suffering as the result of my defensive mode
I am now overwhelmed with the emotions that I’ve constantly called my weakness when they are my strengths as I learn to control them
I hope everyday she sees how much I’ve put into this daily fight
The hardest part of my everyday routine is waking up and feeling everything at once
The heartbreaking part is when my response to protect myself from being hurt is reacting in anger and seeing her hurting
I yelled rather than taking time to calm myself
I went silent before I communicated that I can’t process the battering ram of emotions that crush my chest
My counselor told me that I can do this,
My girlfriend says she loves me and I see that she is patient and also that she could leave because her happiness is what’s important
I can do this.
I am not a bad person.
I am not a narcissist
I am not a bad person.
I am good enough
I can win this fight
I can learn to love me again
I can be free to be happy again
I am going to be okay
I will win this battle against my mental illness
I will learn hope to cope and become a better person
I can and I will

Break me again? That’s okay
It’s all good.
It’ll be okay
Break me as much as you want Ill recover

Actual rest is a dream I long for,
Everytime I close my eyes and drift away.
I am met by the mirror,
This mirror becomes a screen of replays
The pain i put her through,
I am growing now and learning to become a better person and asking for forgiveness
Yet I am still met nightly by this same recurrence
My soul forbids me to forget,
Betrayed by my own soul, I am tormented
Burst into reality, I sometimes awake to throwing up and cold sweats.
Will this ever end...

It’s strange having someone check on you,
Notice the signs that it’s a bad day and instead of leaving you to your thoughts.
To have someone who checks on your family since you live there,
How instead of judging you by your past, only hopes & dreams of the future with you.
It’s a strange feeling,
Mainly cuz I know I don’t deserve her.
Yet here she is, hasn’t given up on me yet.
The craziest part was when I told her what I wanted to do for a career, all she said was okay well let’s hope whatever you get stationed we can go with you.

She always wondering if I was just trying to be her friend because I wanted to get back together with her,
Actually they all thought that.
The truth was I felt bad for her,
When she’d call drunk as hell after they argued.
After she would tell him that she loved me and worse.
The truth is how could I ever be with someone who made me feel horrible about myself everyday.
Who always thought everything I do is never enough,
With someone who’s draining,
Mentally physically and emotionally.
Who’s very existence is selfish because no matter what you do for that person they will always find fault with you.
How could I be with someone like that?
Someone who said they loved me, lying through their smile.
Who said they’d always support me or how much they care.
When really it was only if it was convenient for them.
That happened to be never,
I was never important enough or good enough.
When in reality I was the one who didn’t deserve any of it.

The world and everyone won.
I’ve lost everything and everyone.
I lost myself in the process and now I am left to rebuild from the nothingness once again.
Turns out doing the right thing leaves you empty with no one and nothing.
Yet I find the beauty in being alone.
No pressure or no one to tell you that you’re not good enough.

I’m just a ******* boy with nothing to lose.

At one time,
I believed I could do great things.
I actually started to dream and hope for better outcomes.
Because she helped me become more.
Now?
I know what I am what I always will be.
So I’m going to back,
I mean come on.
It’s not like I deserve being happy anyway,
All that hope those dreams just gone, she took them with her.
All because I didn’t want to lie or hide anymore

It’ll be too late before she realized
That I could’ve done it

After everything I’ve been through,
Coming to the conclusion that I will never trust or love anyone again.
There she is,
And without hesitation I fell

It’s amazing how something so simple can be taken out of context so easily.
Now I paint with crimson red, tracing the delicate edge of my skin.
I don’t want to die, I don’t want everything to end.
Yet this is so freeing, the intoxication of it.
I’ve been awake for three days,
I close my eyes to rest and I’m flooded with thoughts.
The ideas of what I can do with my life,
The pressures I put on myself to get there.
Knowing I worry a few good people in my life,
The anticipation of the lectures that are repetitive,
Of how apparently people know what I need to hear or what I need to do.
If they were right I would be better now wouldn’t I?
And everyone thinks it’s so easy when in reality if they even knew how much it takes to even do simple tasks.
How the judgment feels when I do the things I love,
It’s hypocritical.
Almost poetic how one moment they need me to have all the answers and the next they’re pious.
I see the world for what it is,
Maybe because I’ve been closer to death I consider him an old friend.
It’s true the floors are painted red with dark red,
Frankly I am exhausted and have no more energy for well anyone.
Now I just want to work as much as I can so I can disappear.
I’ve given people chances, some too many.
Now I truly am addicted to being alone,
The safety of it, the comfort of knowing there are no eyes peering into my soul so they can rip it out.
My uncle had the right idea, he warned me long before of how people were.
I often wondered why he preferred to live a nomadic life,
I understand now.
It’s peaceful.

Some nights I lie awake staring at the ceiling,
The realization that truly something inside was broken deep down.
Never again to be healed.
The switch permanently off.
Staring beyond the ceiling almost ceaselessly and hopelessly searching for a way to bring it to life again.
Suddenly I remember that I have to breathe.
That hard burning gasp of air that leaves my eyes watery.
When I sleep I dream,
Those vivid flashbacks of well everything.
Almost in a blink of an eye it’s time for work,
Another day another dollar.

Mornings start with the tracing on my fingers writing out I love you,
Soft kisses on your nose and forehead as you gently wake.
You snuggle closer to me as I wrap my arms around you,
Luckily we can sleep in.
My baby softly grumbling because you yearn to be closer.
It’s these moments I hold dear.
Nudging your nose against my neck and smiling as you fall back asleep.
Safe and warm in my arms.
Or when we play apex,
The competitiveness between us unless the random tries to be an ***,
Then all I can hope for is that they can handle your wrath.
How you’ve taken the time to learn the game so we could spend time together,
Long distance never was a bother between us.
We found our way, knowing we have our lives and life goes on.
So we travel back and forth,
Until now.
We’ve repaired the broken house my ex had a hand in destroying,
My parents love the extra help.
And they love you.
We can live our lives finally without fear or worry.
Without having to give up or run.
Without all the heartache and betrayal that we’ve only known through our former lovers.
Finally free.
Able to breathe again.
Able to love again.

Sitting in a chair with a coffee in one hand at a breakfast restaurant , the sun was shining and everyone was walking by going about their everyday life.
Just as I was about get to leave I heard your voice,
“hey Josh”
I turned around and saw you there smiling,
Even though I knew something was wrong.
You didn’t need to explain you sat down immediately and we sat there in silence as if we were honoring a loss.
He had broken up with you because we were all supposed to meet to discuss our lives together.
When you’d finally told me, you tried to leave.
And I responded with
“I have loved you from the moment I met you, everyday I wanted to be a part of the world you are in. I was an young and stupid idiot who never could get control of their feelings or emotions, but you I finally saw that it was possible. And that anything is indeed possible. I look at you and you are the strongest and bravest person I know. I’ve loved you when I was able to hold you in my arms. I’ve loved you from afar when you’d left to find yourself again. And I will always love you no matter what.”
She smiled,
“Can we just run away? Can we just go?”
And just like I woke up.
Back to reality where I know I’ll never be able to call her mine again

I see the demons in the night again,
Itching to torment and fulfill their hateful desires.
Their home lies in the dark quiet hours of the night,
Lately I’ve become more accustomed and welcomed.
Fever and and cold chill down my spine when I wake up from a sound sleep.
Now I no longer wish for sleep,
Only peace.
Eyes yellowed and red, sunken are full of anger and hate.
Yet I’m not afraid,
And I don’t know why.
I don’t even know if they’re dreams anymore or if maybe it’s something else

I wish we could’ve met later…
Not when everything was crashing down,
When everything never made sense.
I used these words with someone who didn’t fully understand them.
And I also used these words with her…
The girl who laughs with me all hours of the night,
The girl who cheers me on when I’m playing video games and shows nothing but being proud when I win.
The girl who sings and dances in the snow and the rain because its magical.
The girl who loves watching movies and nonstops talks through them like I do.
The girl who came in when I was at my lowest,
Smiled and showed me it can be okay.
Now we play video games together and kiss each other off to work,
Studying for my ged while you study for college.
We challenge each other but also can be kids at heart.
The universe is harsh and cruel,
Yet somehow the right person comes along after all hope is lost

It’s almost as if the tides have changed,
The odds are working in my favor now.
Everything is working out for the better this time.
And it feels like this time it’s all going to be okay.
That’s a strange but comforting feeling.

We cling to what we know.
The anger,
Fear,
Pain,
Anger,
Hatred,
Everything we’re taught yet….
Silence,
Peace regardless of the agony.
Love within the anger.
Calm within the chaos:
The dragon who within the fire & flame,
She was and will be, the dragon.

While I was sitting in silence,
You were out laughing and falling in love.
While I was alone in pain,
You filled the empty place that was once mine.
While I was dying,
You were living.
And the entire time I loved you regardless,
Even when you replaced me,
When you said you hated me,
I laid on that gurney, red & blue flashing.
The beeping, the police, emts firefighters all yelling but it sounded echoey.
It hurt to breathe, every breath was like hot coals down my throat and chest.
My eyes burned & felt scratchy.
My nose bled like crazy from the dryness.
Beeping
Endless ******* beeping.
The cold air in the ambulance wasn’t cold enough for me,
I still felt like I was burning in hell.
Scorching searing heat.
All I could do was lay there and repeat the story of exactly what happened.
And also to call you.
To call the one person who probably couldn’t care less about what was happening.
The doctors rushing to check me out completely and threw 3 blankets on me even after I said I still felt hot.
They were right to do so because not even a minute later,
Full panic attack, all adrenaline that kept us alive gone.
Endless shaking and the soot making my eyes water more and my nose burn.
All I could smell was gasoline, burning rubber plastic, cigarettes, liquor, smoke, burning grass.
I could hear the flames roaring like a lion announcing its attack.
Yet I also kept saying to call you.
Of course no one called you,
When we were released from the hospital I fell into the PTSD depression slump, I drank a whole bottle of Jaeger because at that point I didn’t care what alcohol it was or what it tasted like.
I needed someone,
I needed you.
Actually I didn’t need anyone.
I just wanted comfort and safety.
Yet in the end I'll never get that.
And that’s okay, I survived

Truly I believed I knew hate…
I knew the purest feeling of rage,
The raw untamed feeling of anger…
This…
This is different.
I’ll burn the world down.

It’s ironic,
The gift Ive been told I have.
The quote is that everyone wears a mask to hide their true colors,
Throughout my life I’ve been known to be the cause of people showing their true colors.
I always thought this was a dark gift, I don’t like losing people.
Growing up I never understood why & now I’m older I see the benefit of it.
The thing is I don’t do anything, I am comfortable in myself and that makes people uncomfortable.
I speak my mind and say what I feel knowing fully well I can be rejected for anything.
Granted I know my limits, the irony is I try to be as honest as I can be.
And voila, it never fails.
They all blame me for their own reasons,
I laugh because they dig their own graves.
I observe and I try not to forget important things because a lie is easy to catch.
And when you catch them in that lie, they all react the same.
The denial, the anger, the need to play victim to everyone else.
Then comes the silence, and then ego steps in because of how insecure they really are.
It’s a dangerous gift I always thought,
Mainly because I know people do get hurt, people I care about.
In the end I am blamed, unlike them I try not to bring up their past mistakes as they do to me.
As they scratch & claw for anything to turn it around on me.
It hurts still yet I can’t just react that’s never a good thing, but there were times I really wanted to.

It’s days like this that I wish the bullet hadn’t jammed in the chamber,
That the car had burned.
That it all ended.

I found beauty in the darkness.
Most fear there unknown,
Many avoid the possibility and uniqueness.
There is beauty within the darkest parts of one’s soul.
The purity of it.
Which is where I learned never to judge one based on their past.

Isn’t it cruel and profoundly interesting that in the end you play your game with others feelings.
That once again you think yourself innocent while  this whole time I was blind.
Things you want your way and if not you destroy that person.
What kind of a monster did I fall in love with.

I love And will lose.
To the end of an era,
She’ll be clinging to the past,
When the world revolves

“Hey you’ve been distant today, btw I swung by your aunts and your sisters today said hey, they said they miss you. Also yes I posted a pic to Snapchat for the first time in awhile cuz didn’t want you to forget my goofy *** face. I’ll bug ya later. I love you”
It’s the little things that make the difference,
She understands that I’m working on getting my GED and hopefully a good job before I join the military.
Idk she’s different, no rush and no worries.
Just understanding and patience,
It’s something new

The quiet echoes,
The end of the valley the faint…
“Hear me”.
Voice hindered bequeathed by love.
Squable, gamble, cower.
I hear the whispers.
Loving dotes, another year.
Yet I find myself,
Troubled.
My love,
The moons phases, time itself ceaseless.
Your gaze ever so timeless.
Your embrace ever so stillness.
The winter comes and the wolves embrace.
Hounds howl, and the battle endures until heavenly gates.

I forgive you…
It’s hurt so long, kept me awake for many nights.
This is not just meant for one person but all of those that I’ve held so much anger against for hurting me.
I forgive you,
I can’t be angry anymore I can’t hate anymore.
Maybe one day our paths will cross again, maybe one day we can be friends again.
All I know is that right now I forgive you and I hold nothing against you,
And if by chance you think of reaching out one day don’t be scared to,
I won’t turn you away instead I will be nothing but happy and glad that you did.
Until then or we never meet again,
I hope and pray all you’ve wished for and work for pays off.
I hope your dreams come true and your life is full of abundances beyond your measure.
I hope that you find the peace you’ve been searching for, I pray that your nights are no longer haunted by nightmares.
I hope one day you can forgive me too, for any and all I’ve ever done to hurt you.
There’s nothing I can say more than I am sorry for ever hurting you,
Maybe that was the reason I was hurt too.
I don’t really know,
Stay safe.
I love you, always will.

How do you explain to someone who’s the gentlest and kindest person that you are broken?
That even though they are so patient and care about you with immense support for the dreams and aspirations you are trying to be.
That regardless of my sometimes monotone responses and zoning out.
She smiles with the brightest smile, “I’m here.”
How do you tell that wonderful and truly amazing person that you don’t believe you can be fixed.
That the last girl ripped everything good and loving.
That she’s taken everything good and hopeful out.
Used it to benefit herself, used me and threw me away like trash.
How do you tell this incredibly loving woman who would move mountains for you that I am terrified it’s going to happen again.
That if I give my all again to someone, I believe they will take it all.
Then change & words of love turn to words of hate.
Words such as “you are nothing, you are no one.”
She wonders why when I wake up in the middle of the nights from revisiting the horrors of a person who only knows selfishness.
How I see and smell the fire everyday.
How I often wonder why she would wake up with me, her hand rubbing my back and then getting a cold water.
Seeing her face light up when she picks me up from work, her laughing with my dad while they talk about the Raiders and fishing.
How when we get home, my mom hugs her & they’re already talking about what to make for dinner.
Relaxing on the couch with her and her asking to watch Star Wars or Marvel, Game of Thrones, Lord of the Rings, Greys Anatomy.
Carnival Rides & going to the track to watch the Horse Races.
We go to the movie theater every Tuesday as our movie date night.
How do I tell her that I am terrified of being so broken that she could get hurt because of someone else’s damage.
How do I tell her I’m falling in love with her yet I’m scared to.
Because I don’t want to hurt her in any way

Two worlds, separate expectations.
Two soul, separate by idealizations.
One chooses family, the other isolation.
One hindered by idealism, the other by pragmatism.
Have I truly lost the one?
Is this the curse of the the ******* son?

To many that have known me before will only ever see me as the boy I was.
Young, insecure & stupid.
Immature, childish & reckless.
Today no one knows me,
No one took the time to really see who I am or who I’ve become.
I am what they all made me bit by bit.
That young carefree & selfless boy went through hell alone,
They all played their parts in killing that boy.
One by one.
Of course they all said the same things,
You’re amazing you’ll do great things, I love you, I’ll never leave you, I won’t do anything to hurt you.
Those promises lasted about a day for some.
Today,
I like to think sometimes that they wonder how I turned out.
Then I remember they never cared so why should I?
I’ve become the ghost I never wanted to be,
But I had to become.
Now no one will ever know who I am.
Being alone, it’s better
It’s safer.

Words fall short,
There’s no other way of saying that a broken souls love is meaningless to the her.
The conversation of my emotions turns into an argument
I’m never heard
And the twist is she always says it’s just me with the problem

I know now,
I lived the most I can.
I loved and it wasn’t enough.
I know that she will be okay.
I know that I loved her,
And I know that it’s time.

I just don’t want to hurt anymore.
Why doesn’t anyone understand that?

I broke my best friends heart, chasing a lover that couldn’t understand my soul

Well I suppose I did grow up,
I grew cold.
And yet some wonder why still.
Look in the mirror,
I was left to face my battles alone.
I then grew comfortable choosing to fight some alone.
Now sometimes I find myself wondering if growing cold was worth it.
I still give chances,
When those run out I respond in annoyance or brutal honesty.
Once again villain in my former friends stories.
Past loves find me callous at times.
And all I can do is sigh heavily, smoke a cigarette and move forward.

I push everyone away,
It’s safer.
Maybe they were right.
I’m just too broken and too far gone.
Either way they’ve all never really knew me.
And now no one will

By all the gods I will hate.
I will hate you.
Twisted and blinded by whatever you fill your head with,
I came with offers of more than just the mundane.
And met with conflict and strife.
True I was becoming better than I thought possible,
Yet now after months of torment and being lied to.
I have no more to give you.
You have won what you’ve always wanted when you were drunk and oblivious.
I will hate you till I long gone.
Pray you made the right choice

The hardest part….
Was saying those words…
Fists clenched and holding back those burning tears…
“I forgive you…”
And I realized that regardless of how much I was hurt and still hurting, it was time to let go.
Maybe the ones I still love and miss, the ones I care about did and said the things they did because in their minds there was no other way….
They’re human too, maybe they’ve been hurt enough too through out their life…
Those words were spoken aloud and I felt a relief,
Like the pressure dispersed the heaviness evaporated.
It’s not all at once, maybe I’ll have to say “I forgive you” a hundred times a thousand…
Eventually I know…
All the agony, the pain, the hurt the pit in my stomach feeling, the flashbacks, the echoing voices….
It’s all a part of the journey.
I forgive you.

Gamer girl meets a gamer boy,
She mains Mirage and I main Octane.
Rather than playing Pubs we run to the firing range and laugh and joke around.
Testing skills against each other,
The best part is that we didn’t even realize that we had gamed all day and with a lot of my friends.
The day went by so fast and even now you wanted to call and talk until you fell asleep.
The phone calls still going and I love hearing your laugh.
Affirmation is mutual and frustration is almost nonexistent
I expected you to get mad and rage quit when we kept losing,
Instead you told me that “it’s okay let’s go again, or we can go to firing range and have fun. Invite your friend?”
It’s the sense of peace and you’d even asked me what my life was like, and not to be afraid to be honest because no one is perfect and it’s okay.
We’d talked about my ex partner that led me to this dark place.
You’d been quiet for a few minutes after,
“I can hear it, the pain in your voice. It makes me sad because all I see is someone who’s amazing. Funny, cute, definitely my first choice as a duo partner from now on. She didn’t deserve you, that’s why it was hard. You loved her fully and she didn’t see that. Put yourself first, and I promise I’ll be here no matter what. You will recover from it, someone who destroys your self love and they let their love destroy you, that isn’t the place to be.
Now let’s go to bed, I can’t wait to game with you tomorrow sleepyhead”
Never did I expect that someone would be so understanding and caring.
Until her.
And when I didn’t see it coming, when I accepted that I’m no longer worthy of love.
Now I finally can breathe a little more and sleep sounder.

It’s strange seeing all of my high school friends who were in JROTC with me,
They all joined the military and are leading amazing lives.
I often think about what could’ve happened if I didn’t have to drop out and work.
I’d probably be living my life, I would’ve graduated and joined.
Maybe then everything would’ve been better.
Now I just gotta work harder to catch up

The first dream was the snake,
Then it was the lions in a den.
Next it was you asking me to come down to las cruces again,
You wanted to move away with me.
The plan was we’d move to North Dakota or Minnesota.
Montana was a possibility.
Either way I was to come get you,
So I did.
Everything was going good until he showed up and started arguing.
I kept packing your things and you tried to tell him to leave.
He tried to **** you, lunging at you with that knife.
Instead he had to fight me,
Even though he had stabbed me three times I hit him as hard as I could.
I could’ve killed him, punch after punch.
He was unrecognizable,
Then out of no where a girl plunged the knife in my back.
It was the girl he cheated on you with.
You hated her and knowing she did that, you saw red.
It didn’t take much for you to end things for her.
In the dream I feel like I’m dying but I don’t.
I wake up.
These dreams don’t seem to stop every night it’s a new one
Premonitions?
Warnings?
Signs?
I don’t know.
They terrify me with how clear & precise they are.
Somethings going to happen,
I tried to tell you but as usual you don’t want to listen to anyone but yourself.
So I wait.

Your first mistake was thinking you could even speak her name.
That’s my world and I’ll still do whatever it takes to make sure she’s happy and safe.
Even from you.

It’s annoying how no one can grasp the idea of me being single.
Apparently “you are too cute! You’re so hot! You are literally the biggest sweetheart”
And no matter how many times I say it,
Everyone chooses for me I suppose.
Everyone else knows best.

What do you do when your entire world is flipped?
When you think you finally know all the variables only to learn that it was all a lie?
That you’re really nothing.
No one.
For a time I was the son of a powerful and terrifying man with a dark history,
The son of a woman who left me to have a better life.
I learned many things from a sister who was an evil that knew the best.
I admired a brother who was a formidable force.
Most of my life was just endless pain and torment from all sides
It’s all I’ve ever known.
Only to find out it was all a lie.

I pushed her as far away as I could.

One day, I’ll stop writing
One day, I’ll stop dreaming
One day, I’ll stop believing
One day, I’ll stop hoping
One day, I’ll stop trying
One day there will be no more poems written by me
And there won’t be anymore pain
One day I’ll be gone
Maybe it’s today

Jolted up in a cold sweat,
I remember why I try not to sleep.
The dreams are back again, the horrible nightmares.
Seeing her smile, hearing her voice before I wake up in the dream and I get the call.
“She’s gone”