I love to sleep
To escape the day
I keep dreaming of you
You will not go away

During my waking hours
And darkest nights
You are always there
I can’t win this fight

I wake up
I don’t know what’s true
I look around
I can’t find you

I want to sleep every hour away
If I don’t wake up, will you stay?

I can't go back to the life that I had
Guilt and shame
Suffering and pain
Lie after lie
Day after day
No one believed me
Why would they?
Sincere at the time
But overwhelming was the crave
It didn't take long before I would  cave
I woke up again and again
Only to do it all over again
The bottle was my only friend
I get on my knees and pray
I'll never again have to live this way

She sits on the steps
Holding tightly to the cell phone
Where is he now, she feels all alone
It's dark and it's late
Only one street light
He said he would come
This doesn't feel right
She looks around the empty street
Licking her lip gloss, it tastes so sweet
The cool summer breeze
Keeps blowing her hair
She sits in stillness
Why doesn't he care?
Hours gone by
The sun starting to rise
She feels the tears
Swelling up in her eyes
She goes up to her room
And lies in her bed
Wishing she could turn off the voices in her head
Just another romance gone bad
She feels nothing this time
Not a bit sad
Closes her eyes
And falls finally to sleep
Only then, she allows herself to weep

I wait all alone
Here by the phone
Waiting for your ring
My hearts ready to sing
I guess it's time for me to move on, the ring never comes
I thought this time you were the one
Wrong again
When will I get it right
When will I be able to sleep through the night
"Ring, ring"
You have one missed call...

I sit in my home office
Wondering what is this all about
Why am I here
Why all this doubt?

I want to feel the world at my feet
I want to dance to a different beat

This corporate crap is getting old
I don’t even believe it, I’m no longer sold

I want to run to a place
Where peace is abound
Where serenity wraps like a warm blanket
Only beautiful soothing sounds

I can’t find it here
Sitting at this desk
Am I willing to just run, take that risk?

I have to do something
Before I lose my soul
I need to set a lasting goal

It isn’t here at this desk of mine
I need to find peace of mind

Forever serene

I don't listen to anyone
When they tell me I'm great
I've always felt this way
Full of self hate
I'm destroying myself
More every day
Where's my self worth
It doesn't matter what they say
I still see the fat girl
Glasses, braces and all
I can hear the laughs
As I walk down the hall
Will I ever be free
Of this little girl inside of me

I would love to just give up
Right now
This very minute
Crawl back into the bottle

Escape
Be free from people
From judgement
From life

Why bother
Two years, twenty years
Do we ever get respect back?
Do we ever get our sanity back?

Overlooked
Underpaid
Just a drunk
Always a drunk
No license?  Oh my!
Humiliation

Does it matter?
Would anyone care?
Or just laugh
With a stupid grin on their face
They were just waiting for it

Little minded people
In big glass houses
Don’t bother throwing stones
The bolder is rolling down the hill
Flying downward, toward you…

I pushed it
Now I need a drink

Everlasting love
Does such a thing exist
Behind all the darkness
And the smoke and the mist

I don’t know if I still believe
In true love being meant for me
For others, yes
For me I think no
I’m just waiting alone
Until it’s my time to go

I feel in love with my best friend
I knew I'd love you until the end

Then you told me you couldn't stay
You were leaving me, you were going away

How can you do this, I don't understand
You were my one and only
My perfect man

What can I do
What can I say
Ill do anything
To get you to stay

Please don't leave me
You are my life
I've given you children
I am you're wife

This is all wrong
We were meant to be
Happily ever after, can't you see?

You can't leave me
Not for her
I'd **** you both, with a growl not a purr

Go ahead try it
You will soon see
You don't want to mess with me!

I'm alone again
With the Lord, my only friend
It's peaceful really, not at all that bad
I'm happy and serene, not the least bit sad

It's a beautiful morning
So thankful to be alive
No reason to fear
No reason to hide

I'm comfortable with no one around
The ocean waves, such a peaceful sound

I could stay here forever
In this lovely warm place
But back to real life
I'll have to face

Rubbing the morning sleep from my eyes
it's just another day
Where will I find the energy
to make it through
another day
My body is weak, tired...
With every ounce of strength I lift my legs off the bed
They are heavy, it's getting harder to stand
This is nothing new
it's just another day
I step on the scale, fear bubbling within me
This one moment could control my mind for the entire day
Double digits!  Yes, I'm ok!  ...at least for just another day
When I look in the mirror, what do I see
The sad, overweight 10 year old girl, gazing back at me
How do I get her out of the mirror?
If I just don't eat, for another day....
will this girl in the mirror
finally go away?

It was no surprise
What happened last night
When I first saw you and gazed into your eyes

The passion’s been there
I was just full of fear
To let myself go
So I want you to know

It’s ok, I understand
We both wanted it badly
Why hold back, and go away sadly

If this is a onetime thing
I can live with that
I’ve lived through worse
I’ll always have my cats

She sat quietly in her hotel room
Waiting patiently for him again
Where was he this time?
Could this be the end?

Her long brown hair was perfectly groomed
Yet how was her heart filled with such gloom?

She waits and she waits for a knock n the door
Several hours go by
She falls asleep on the floor

Never a knock, he never showed
Three in the morning, she's lost her glow

She checks her phone
No calls or text
What is she supposed to do next?

She loves him so
How doesn't he know?

Her world is falling apart
No putting back the pieces of her broken heart

She drank the bottle of vintage wine
The ice in the bucket had melted
Her heat bled from inside

She walked to the balcony
How can this be?
A warm summer breeze hits her
How could he do this to me?

She looks down the fifteen flights
As she gulps the wine
Thinking to herself
This is the time

She finishes her last sip
She's feeling very numb
Can she do this
Yes, the time has come

She gets up on the railing
Looking at the pavement far below
Should she jump?
Will he ever know?

Just then came the knock
It was now four am
Could it be him?

She gets down from he rail
Runs to the door
It's the police
Someone called from next door

They said she was seen
Looked like she was about to jump
She felt her throat close, into a huge lump

No words came out
Only tears
The ambulance arrived
Just as she feared

No she's not crazy
He really exists
This wasn't the first time
They took her away to the abyss

The doctors were waiting
Nurses looking sad
Here she comes again
They knew what she had

Her husband died years ago
She couldn't seem to let it go
She waits for him in a psychotic state
Still thinking he's coming, her one and only soul mate

She doesn't understand
And she never will
Her heart is dead
As well as her brain
All she keeps thinking now is "am I insane?"

Another day
Feeling this way
Why am I here?
Do I surve a purpose in life
I'm a mother, not a wife
My son is older
he needs me less
My parents are dead
I'm such a mess
I'm supposed to be happy and grateful they say
I'm still trying to find my way
Tiss the season to be jolly
I cringe when I see mistletoe and holly
I may never, till the day I die
find my peace, so I'll continue to cry

I woke up this morning
To a new day
Fresh and clean
Can I keep it that way?
I long to be happy
Enjoy life, be carefree
It just never seems to work out for me
But today is a new day
A new chapter to start
Nothing to hold me back now
I can rock it off the charts
I hit my knees
Continue to pray
Please Dear God
Let today be the day

I put all my trust in You
Because I have not a clue
Of what I really want
Or what I should truly do

Only You know what’s best for me
I am praying on one knee
That You will save me from myself
I put all my wants on the shelf

Total faith and trust I have
My way never works, It never had

So please Dear Lord
I’m on both knees
All I want to do is please

I can’t erase the past
But I can start all brand new
All of this
I’ll do for You

So take me Lord
This I pray
Take away my pride
You have my praise everyday

Amen

I still dream of you
I can't explain why
When I think of us
I just want to cry

You are with her now
Happy as can be
I'm so pleased for you
I just wish it was me

How do I get rid of the pain
My heart screams every day
There is nothing I can do
Nothing  I can say

There is no second chance
I can't get you back
I'll live with my tears
My life's turned to black

When did I become so unhappy?
When did I want to die?
When did I wake up every morning?
Trying hard not to cry

When did you leave me?
Why didn’t you stay
Why can’t I live without you
Not even a day

It’s been over a year
You’ve moved on, I have not
What do I do now?
I don’t have a shot

You are with another
She’s queen of the year
With a ring on her finger
It’s too hard to bear

I lie in my bed
It hurts to get up
I’ll sit here and drink
The poison from my cup

I cannot forget you
How much I do try
I’m done with this life
No more tears to dry

Tears fall like raindrops
Flowing lightly to the floor
My eyes are blurry
My body is sore

I’ve been through the fire
I’ve been through the flames
Never untouched
Never the same

The scars are well hidden
As well as the tears
I’ve sick of this pain
The hurt and the fear

I’m tired of running
Through the hot scolding flames
Please take me away
Before I go insane

I can count on you to make me laugh
Give me kisses
And I don't have to ask
Cuddle beside me
I'll rub you head
Just stay with me
Let's snuggle in bed
You're so soft, I love your purr
How silky is your orange fur
I know that I can count on you
To be there and love me, you always do
I'm done with men
I've had it, it's true
I have the love of my cat
To get me through
Unconditional Love

The chains are getting heavier
They have been holding me prisoner for so long
It's hard to move, to walk, to breathe
I want you out of my head... my heart
I'm afraid to sleep, you're always there
How do I escape from these chains?
I hear the voice....
The only one who can set me free,
Is me

I woke up this morning feeling peaceful
For the first time in years
Not anxiety, no trembling tears

No memories haunting me from the past
I wonder if this feeling will finally last

I’ve been through a great deal
Of sorry and pain
Darkness I never want to repeat again

I’ve done my sentence
I’ve paid my dues
I’ve given up the drugs and deadly *****

It’s time to live, start new and fresh
I’ve lost a plenty of years, I’m now ready for the best

I look at the sculptures in the sky
The beautiful white creations
Against the deep blue sky
With just a hint of red
As the sun sets over the ocean

I wish I could fly
Jump from cloud to cloud
Light as a feather I’d be
Not a care in the world
Until the dark comes
I’d close my eyes
And dream of the light
And the beauty of the sky

Oh, how I wish I could fly

It's all so wonderful in the beginning
Everything you do, you feel like you're winning

Talk on the phone
Hours at a time
Neither one cares
About spending a dime

Cuddling and holding hands
How sickeningly sweet
Check under the table
They are playing with each other's feet

I was there, so in love
Putting up with crap I never should have

I cried and I pouted when it came to an end
I look back now and wonder how
I made it that long, with you my friend

I'm sitting here all alone
Staring down at my phone
I'm flying out once again
With myself, my only friend

Excitement is lost
It's a regular day
I can't run from myself
No matter how far away

I say I need peace
This much is true
I only wish
I was leaving with you

I went on a house hunt
Miles from home
Took a plane
All alone

I looked at homes
And fell in love
Ready to move
Fly in like a dove

If I could blink my eyes and make it so
I'd do it in a second, away I'd go

In my hotel room
Completely beat
I lied on the bed
And fell asleep

When I awoke I came to my senses
My head was full of front porches and fenses

I always want it now at any cost
For once I felt completely lost

I'll pack my bags and get on the plane
I miss my home as much as I complain

I'll slow my roll and take my time
Turn off the compulsion, and sip the wine

I keep waking up
Day after day
Never wanting
To go out and play

I'd rather stay safe
Curled up in my bed
Trying to get images of love
Out of my head

Things too terrifying to remember
Yet too real to forget
Will the memories ever fade?
Will I always live with regret?

Ghosts surround me
Wherever I turn
They laugh and they haunt me
I feel the fire, the burn

I close my eyes
Try to shut down my head
They never leave me alone
They taunt me in bed

I drink from the bottle
The red liquid my only friend
The ghosts fade away
Or am I just dead

Come here my darling
I want one final dance with you
I hope you are feeling the same way too

For the rest of my life
I want to stay in your arms
Swaying to the music
Wherever we are

My lover, my friend
My confidant until the end
Let’s dance together
Never let go

I love you my dear
I will be faithful and true
As long as I keep dancing with you

I don't want to know what the future will bring
Live in the day, hear the birds sing

Every day is such a gift
What's inside is a special surprise

Live life rich
We only have today
Treasure every moment
Before it's taken away

Hopefully tomorrow will come
But there are no guarantees
So for today I'm gonna have fun

All I want to do is have some fun
I really don’t want to hurt anyone

I’ve been hurt by men so many times before
My heart has been left in pieces on a blood stained floor

I’ve given so much of myself
Only to be beaten down once again
You’ve taken my love, and betrayed me my friend

Now you want me back
It’s not the first time
You can’t fool me with your roses and wine

Do you really think you can just waltz back in?
This isn’t a game
It’s not about who will win

I want a commitment
That’s not much to ask
It’s your last chance to take off that mask

Love me, Love me not…  

Either way, I'm ok
I love myself
Enough today

She sat in her room
Crunched up in her bed
Pulling the covers up over her head
Mom was out
Dad wasn't far
She sat and listened for his car
The sitter downstairs didn't have a clue
She was scared again
But what could she do?
No one would believe her
That’s what she felt to be true
She’d be quiet and not cry
God only knew what he'd do
She heard the car park
The door open and close
She was all alone now
No one around
She heard the footsteps
Coming up the stairs
She went deeper under the covers
Hoping to be spared
Then he came into her room
Reeking of *****
She knew what was next
As she pretended to snooze
He reached under the blankets
And grabbed her nightgown
She closed her eyes, and didn't make a sound
She went to the happy place in her head
Never noticing when he left her bed
She never came out
She stayed in that place
They thought she was crazy
She was so out of place
No one ever knew
The horror she'd been through
At ten she was done with it all
She was numb, she'd hit the wall
She picked up the knife
Didn’t feel a thing
Slipped into bliss
He couldn't touch her again

Does he love me
Does he not
His actions say yes
His words say yes
But how can I believe what I’ve seen and heard before
Empty words and actions leaving me crying on the floor

Always an obstacle in the way
Wait for this, wait for that
In time, please wait, coming soon is the day

Well this and that has happened
Now am I expected to forget?
Believe that you love me, like you said when we first met?

Forget the lonely waiting moments?
Wondering where you were
If you loved me or not, what you were doing with her?

You dangled the carrot for so long
I don’t know if the damage can be undone

I’m sober now
And she is dead
Of course you want to crawl into my bed

I want more, and so I deserve
I’ve told you this, have you not heard?

No commitment from you still
I’m single and free
If you wait much longer
You will never be with me

I’m ready to make a change
Turn my life upside down
Make a complete turnaround

I don’t care what people think anymore
I’m no angel, I’m no *****
I just want so much more

I continue to wake up each day to this
Wondering what fun stuff I’ll miss

Go to work just to pay the bills
To get through the day, take a handful of pills

There is more to life than existing to breathe
It all starts with me, so it’s now time to leave

I can't get out of bed
Afraid of the day,  afraid of the night
Sleep is my only peace
Only darkness, no light

I can't deal with life
So what do I do
Slit my wrists
Bleed till I'm blue

All out of options
No sunlight to see
I can't go another day
The world doesn't need me

I’m the tire
With the slow leak

I’m the balloon
With the pinhole

I’m the engine
Without gas

I’m the heart
Without a beat

I’m the phone
That never rings

I’m the voice
That never sings

I’m the bird
That never flies

I’m the angel
With no wings
*
Who am I?
A Broken Soul

The rain didn’t stop
For days it seemed
The **** busted open
And overflowed the stream

The rain is my tears
That flow down my face
You would never know it
My expression leaves no trace

The wind blew relentlessly
Swirling through the trees
Much more like a hurricane
Than a warm summer breeze

The wind is my mind
Which races up and down
Never feeling stable
I can hardly make a sound

The darkness took over the night
Not a star in the sky
No light to be seen
You can’t see me cry

The darkness is my soul
One giant deep black hole
No light shining through
Since I lost my darling, yes it is you

I wore the mask
For a very long time
Hiding behind it,  my armour
To shield me from the world
No one could hurt me
But you
Yes, you
Saw through the mask
The me who was always there
A  strong, confident, intelligent, beautiful woman
But I was afraid, scared, lonely and tired
The mask eventually started to crack away
Pieces falling to the ground slowly, until the mask was gone
Revealing the rawness I felt
I could no longer hide.....
I see you now
After years of self-torture  and endless drama
I now emerge the woman you once saw
I was always there
I no longer need the mask....
As long as I never again, pick up the flask