How do we start from here
from this new expansion
from the rawness
from this cleansing
that rubbed too hard it left red marks over my skin
so deep in my being I will never forget
How do I lean into love more and stop turning towards sorrow
how to accept the warmth and let it cover me once more
for I deserve once more, twice more, and an infinity of more

We can love people that do not love themselves
and we see the mirror
I did not love myself

If I did why would accept that sorrow
do I not know avoidable sorrow is not okay

did I feel okay with countless suffering
why, how did I absorb this behavior
was it in the way my father drank away his sorrow
was it in the tv programs that said I had to always be a good girl and be sweet even if it cost me my own well being

Where ? Was it from my mother who thought it was best to raise her kids with a man she did not love anymore because that is “stable”
they were never stable
two separate stable ones would of been better

was it them or the world
who knows
but I wept because I did not love myself
because I was not taught
the relationships around me did not show me this and so I lacked it

I get up and make sure that I take a short walk. Any direction is the correct direction.

And all the feelings I have wanted to vanquish because they  seemed crippling, selfish, guilty and sorrowful walk like little children next to me

I pick them up and carry them
in my arms
we make our way around the neighborhood
holding them I can see they just are
like the trees above and the ground below
they just are
and they need to be honored
with a sacred prayer, with a ceremony, with a story of creation
a Popol Vuh

a pen is not present
to take out my phone and type, type , type

“The first four feelings...”

I just love someone
I just love someone
I just love someone
And  I accept it

And I accept that they cannot accept me

Busco el equilibrio como si fuera una destinación
como si no fuera balanza y yo la aprendiza que tiene que agregar, remover y volver a colocar pedacitos de mi

pertenezco a mi misma y yo misma quiero estar cerca de el balanceo
que mantiene mi ser abierto y tierno
no aspiro a ser amada
no aspiro ser admirada
no aspiro ser la excepción
y tampoco no aspiro a nunca morir

solo busco equilibrio
solo busca estar aquí donde estoy

It is just that I want to continue to grow
throughout the entirety of my life even when it hard
it just that I don’t want to abandon myself
or stand in my own way
I just want to try consistently until I leave this form
I just just want be truer to myself and love deeply this precious, precious life
I would never jump ship I am committed in the small things which are truly the core of all of me

My unprocessed layers dance over me
I peel and peel and try to take off each layer
and the anger fades, and there is no blame, and there is space
and there is a vulnerable heart
who does understand and just wished to also be understood
and cared for not divided by a line
or relegated to the outskirts as I felt

there sits a weeping part that needs nothing but to be acknowledged
and I sit with it granting its wish

We get honest about the shadows
we get honest about the reoccurring feelings
we rip down our stories
so well woven spanning multiple pages that we gasp in surprise that we know them by memory

we hold space for them
and if that is crying
and if that a sentence that appears
floating from the heart to the surface carrying a message that  till then we could not bare to accept

...finally let’s not push it back down
lets look at it
let’s stop wishing things would disappear let look at what is true and allow its natural buoyancy lift over and over until
we finally offer it space and accept

We all falter and that is okay
and i understand sometimes it’s just a matter of whose turn is it now

Love involves due overs
it is expansive and forgiving enough

but when we falter we must offer someone else the dignity of acknowledging the suffering we have intentionally or unconsciously caused them by saying  “I am sorry I hurt you”

there is no fault in faltering
instead in never saying I am sorry
never offering sorrow the dignity of its name–of naming it

i cut my hair so that another
girl who had only been an earth for a few years could carry
its softness and know someone would
give whatever she was not born with
this world would offer itself to her
cradled in her bed wherever she was
....
i forget the many times
i slept in other people’s homes
or had to leave mine as a child
those many times were coiled and repressed
pushed back into a box like a jack
...
my youth is here present
i mingle with it
and forget it is not always going to be here
and i hear the world is not kind to older womxn
but hear from older womxn those years are the most fruitful; there, they are their most powerful
and like the promised land i want to rush there
the way i used to want to rush towards death
and none of them will do when the early morning hours come
because i just want to be here
cradled in my bed wherever i may be

It feels so raw so fragile
a pink bubble gum bubble blown out falling back a little, creasing when it beats

There is no bridge you’ll cross that will be clean

there is no being that does not create
and you cannot forfeit the cold for only the warmth
or only the warmth with the absence of cold

you can not deny what you are
do not spend your whole life
pushing away your humanness
hold it once and for all
do not spend your whole life THINKING something is wrong with you
hold your self, sit in yourself
tomorrow does not exist

I gave it all I could muster with all my strength I dared
will all the might I could call upon I came
with all reserves of courage
with everything I am
with no tear withheld with shakey hands
but I came

This as is
is no longer my place of belonging
when people talk about it’s
absence
mine floats to the surface

It is the cool basin of her skin I curl up to i press against my calmest self
and savor the fresh invitation within my own hands

It just gets deeper and deeper this
never ending route inward
and there is and less and less  resisting
And I want to laugh with myself in-hand and “say stop just relax. isn’t it nice to just be”:)

there is a calmness
a cooling fresh calmness
a just always unfolding
reassuring calmness
just laugh
get up
and linger in your purpose
and linger near the things
that meet you fully

the first time I hiked through the forest at night I was frightened And then, I just decided i could not remain scared
I trusted the bark was bark
and if I stretched my hands out  I could touch the solidness of a tree
and I trusted that the ground was ground firm beneath my feet that it would
support me and not suddenly give way
opening like a trap door
I trusted that my ears would hear
I trusted
so now I must trust that the heart
can feel ( what is truly real)

wet without rain is the color of my eyes right before they get blurry
and the saline waves  cover the horizon as far as I can see

for this second everything looks expansive
the sea at night
my pupils floating like boats over the tide
reveal that if I trust my hands
the stars above will offer guidance and the will moon lift the tears off of my face

why can i not sail comfortably through this hard weather
not deny how it pulls and sometimes feels immense

I love this world and
I love people
even the grumpy sour ones
I like the annoying ones too
and sit with scared ones
and laugh with the older and the younger ones
and try to just listen to the talkative ones
I know and will know what it is to be all of these
so I see them and my heart softens and I want to hug them all if only my arms where long enough

when you gave it your whole heart the
baked porcelain shards you picked up from the kiln
tell you
there really was so much there
too much
so much moisture that it expanded too quickly
too fast and you exploded
landed over by the thermocouple
hit the reflective coding at the top of the kiln and
was hurled down to the corner
that pieces of you even hit the center, too
and that others landed over the vases other artists had fired along with yours to bake

your whole heart did not rip or break: it blew open


fell into every part of the kiln, ate space and unwillingly
in a burst realized  expansions

It is just that when I close my eyes I see purple and I
understand that we must not feel disconnected for our souls that is definition of a life squandered


It is just that purple was my grandmother’s favorite color
and I remember her singing to me
and I remember sleeping overnight over
over a stiff hospital chair
the times after being released from the hospital when I would sit with her for half an hour and gently peel off the medical tape- when skin is old it is very gentle and it takes tenderness and warm water to soften the glue


It is just that the world can have my love
and my life
and my disguise
it just I see purple when I close my eyes
and  I am done

and beginning
at the same time

gender constructs, piety, nationality, “goodness”  these frameworks I live in are unquestionable for in their deviation there lies true reason of  “understandable” ostracism “yeah of course, how dare they?” & “who do they think they are”  
I thank them for where they have brought us but that is not where we are going it is only where we have already been

This beautiful teeming orbit is not ours to take care of
it is us
“We breathe together”
it is inseparable
you and I
, it –our fate the same

I want life to flourish
and so earth must sing
i want a shift
a second coming of a loving consciousness
not as some man or some messiah (stop limiting divinity to human figure)
but to have us recognize it in the entirety of life in its miraculous omnipresent light that indeed does shine permeating all

I think of my shrink
and think of my friends
and I think of everyone
who told me to erase someone from my life
to be brave
but now I understand
forgiveness is greater
and that I should always trust my heart
no degrees in human psychology ,no pep talks, no one else’s guidance will do
at some point your being is your only compass

Can you grow
can you expand and use your past as the bricks laid down to build you
and can I meet you again then
because I do not want the past
“ can you embrace growth and change”
can you embrace humanness
let it be a long arc bending towards
beauty, joy and depth

There in my hands is the summer solstice
with its prolonged warmth
my midsummer dream tilts closer to the sacred
the Tropic of Cancer
and the flowers dance honoring the sun
and although is wish to dive into the past
I must be brave
there are better things
brighter things
things that will bend naturally towards my light

“That is how they are”
they are? That is how we are if we had been raised here
that is how we are if we would of had their upbringing that is we

there is no “they” ...” they” allows you to be a selective towards which people you care about
turning on and off your heart and compassion

How do you raise a strong being
with a resilient spirit

you raise them knowing they are cherished
and just as divine as the plants and the animals and everyone around them

they will carry it with them throughout their entire life


and when someone tries consciously or unconsciously to grasp for control and power at they expense of their opinion, authenticity and their light

they spirit you helped raise will feel
the drastic shift in intention
they will feel the thickness of manipulation
and rest on their anchor of self in that  love and cherishment you showed them abides eternally with them

And having arrived at that open never ending space they will calmly
turn towards the words of control and say “no”
simply and confidently “NO”

In a deeper way
in a more wholesome one
I understand
you cannot teach someone
what you yourself have not learned
or what you yourself do not allow
Joy
Freedom
Self love
love of the others
Gratitude
Devotion
And the endless list of qualities and states of mind continue

you cannot pass down and teach what you yourself do not know
what you do not surrender full heartedly too
it is not in your hands to hand down
it is not flowing through you

you must step back
re-approach yourself and learn

I sink my finger into your skin
and my words into your soil
and ask that you simply slow down
  enough to see the blossoms over me  
   How they rest in equal quantity
within the fleshy tenderness of my human life
   our shared pulse can be felt by putting your hand
over your own heart...
    that is us together, that is us
      –life

It does not sit right with me that any baby girl
Might inherent this world as it is
That “this” is what we choose to uphold
That “we” collectively hold each pole in place
And try to cover it with a tarp and call it a an exquisite
Manifestation of a world
That small limited obstructing vision of what we should camp through live in
It does not sit right, so reach inside of me and with my two hands
And unzip my mouth
Might who choose to present as girls in live in a better and kinder world

They grip at me  
Two fists snuck into an envelope of soft words
I get “Adjust” instead of its harsher
commanding counterpart “change”
(“comprise”  is in absence in this conversation)

But I see my grandmother smiling
And great grandmother dancing
And all the womxn that have made me
appear from behind the mesquite
emerging from the thick wilderness of time
to transcend
to bear naked their wisdom and  grant me their heart

Their dance swirls within me
Their smile leaps
reaching through flesh
like a ray being emitted from my inner cove
To materialize over my face

And I can sit calmly and confidently
Smile And say “no”
“You cannot dance with me.
Go!”

if there is
if there is
If there is all the things that thrive within the being
those that never die, those that perdure untouched, uneffected by the outside lores
then there is always the presence of forgiveness
the room for second chances
and there is return

It is their eyes–
everything around me I want to nourish until it is bright
and full of it’s own loving light
–shining through

My little home with its little desk
juxtaposed with my big desire to live deeply in my skin
and just cherish this
this
these tiny hands
this, this real and very precious life
this that is me
is cherished
I start with this
this me
this growing, stumbling
precious being
this me
that extends to this precious cherished you

Who knows if it would be advantageous
if I could shake it off like a dog this cold wet sorrow
that shows up
who knows
if I ask a child
they might indeed
will give me wise and honest counsel
(maybe they know)
the simplest answer
could be buried under a mountain
of fears, of conditioning, and adult foolishness

the solution might be simple

Tender I sit at the side of the road
this lane that house
the many people that live in tents or sleeping bags in subway stations
the youthfulness
the way I cannot close this hatch
the way I cry when I see someone else cry

the way I say no and hold my ground even when they tell me
I must not be honest “speak like a politician” the ways in which they find me wild are the ways in which I refuse to refuse my own heart and soul

I sit tender at the side of the road

My heart rests languid and full of sorrow
I could never read his mind

and he never shared his thoughts
and I circled like a bird over and over
over and over

dizzy and dizzy
and dizzy with my unrequited love

never did he allow me to land

Someday you gotta take a wild chance on you
Stop  looking at only the negative
make neurological pathways to condition in you the positive
everyone deserve a life that can be loving, light and beautiful
despite the loss, the uncertainty and the impermanence

Today, or tomorrow,
or whenever you are ready take a wild chance on you

If you tender world can soften
I can soften
into this fragile living and dying existence

I can soften when I reach the edges of myself and meet my limit and my doubts
I can soften when my hands want to grasp tomorrow or reach back towards the past

I can soften and sit with everything within me

We can soften to our humanity
we can soften into our beauty
we can soften into our imperfection
and become more loving
simply by meeting the edges and softening
softening
softening and taking one step over the water

If you can soften
I can soften
into this

I can soften when I reach the curb
and meet my floating sorrow at the surface of the lake
I can soften when my hands want clench and have them remain open
I can soften and sit with everything inside  me

We can soften to our warm trust
we can soften into the best version of ourselves
we can soften into our the knowing nothing is certain  
and become more loving
simply by meeting the edges and softening
softening
softening and taking another step over the water and softening

I can see that my heart
is held in kindness
and so is yours

and that although I cannot express
myself to you
I know every thought we nourish and every hope we
release
in the name of a more loving existence
for a more harmonious world
seeps into us all

and I can see how your heart wishes to open
how hands are wider when their fists unclench

Soy poeta disfrazada con una arcoíris
soy energía colorida
riza contagiosa
y amó los sonidos raros
y beso a la música alta por traerme placer

After the storm there is peace
Incomprehensible peace

Everyday is a new day and if we can drop all the stories that limit us
and confine us
then it can truly be a new beginning

we are always a day away from a more profound life
from reaching my again courageously to the things we thought were lost to rekindle and renew to offer ourselves the possibility of joy

this is our human superpower, tender gentle and graceful we are despite our worst acts

Aqui el corazon no cuenta

pero para mi el corazón manda

Yo vengo de culturas donde todo

trataron de borrar y dejar en el olvido

donde una forma de vida fue destruida

y cuando te queda nada

y no tienes pertenecías

y tú juventud se a ido

te queda solo el corazón


Por eso es que el mío manda

Some days the sadness hits me like a train
but that is okay
when you dared to love deeply the sadness should hit you like train or a semi
and there is not way around it you must just feel your way through it and learn and grow kinder

Quiero leer la literatura de la onda
quiero asomarme en otro mundo