Never once have I thought or cried out this is unfair, why is this happening to me.

I still can't believe these words actually leave people's lips.

Yet, here I am, thinking it's unfair. For me to be were I am on the verge of something greater then myself bigger then me! It started with two but it's gonna be ending as one.

I'm just a man fighting for his life day in and day out. I'm not a shell nor am I a ghost. I've gained so much strength. I'm not gonna stop till I see what I want to see; what everyone sees.... what she saw.

Sure I look like I'm homeless... its because I'm looking for the right place where I can lay my fullmetal soul down.

Eventually we burning souls will be able to rest but not here not now, sometime down the road okay.

That or we'll run out of tears and our fire will go out an we'll become that monster.

There's alot to be said about end of life care.

But should alot be said?

They're knocking on heavens door, each breath a silent prayer.

Every drive filled with prayers asking for strength. Wiping away tears doing all you can so that they're comfortable and if they go in the night I hope it's peaceful and I hope they know they were loved.

Be at peace when they pass. Be at peace when they go; learn to let go.

Honnor the DNR.

And cry, yell, rage! This is all apart of the process.

A few months ago here I stood doubtful in whether I could accomplish this climb.

This climb that would determine the next chapter in my story.

An... as I climbed I felt the bitterness of sacrifice. Steeling myself to sacrifice my peace and devote myself to the climb.

Then you appeared to me in the dead of night. A night that now feels like a lifetime ago.

That was there with me, and like Athena whom I will always equate you with.

You spoke wisdom, and gave me a friend that I would look for in everyone I would cross paths with.

But I can't follow you.

I wish we didn't have to live like this. But I can't help but wonder sometimes about the future where we can be; where we are.

But if it does exist its far away from here, and it's something that will only exist in our dreams.

There's nothing better then feeling of certainty when it comes to forging your own path.

Hell anyone whose in the thralls of paving a new path will tell you, it is not easy.

It takes time and effort; hours of being in the weeds and sitting with your shortcomings.

Nights where you second guess yourself if this really is where you want to go.

Of course you didn't have to put yourself through this. You could just stay put and walked another path that was already laid.

But since we already paved the road all that's left is to walk down it.

That's the purpose of poetry it's reflection.

And Reflection is messy! Spending days and nights looking at the imperfections and why they are there.

It's filled to the brim with grief, rage, shame, honor and hope.

And this reflection, is so painful. Showing up Daily for my inner beat down.

Knowing your creed and values won't yield even when it comes to people that you love!

Waking up not thinking but knowing your values will drive people away.

Being filled with rage at the doors that have been closed for years!

**** it! I wanted to fight! I wanted to show that I was capable, yet I was denied! For me that was such a shameful thing to be denied the one thing you could do and do very well.

Praying that one day I'll be able to relfect what others see.

But until then I'll keep reflecting. Asking the hard questions, am I pushing myself hard enough?

What more can I do?