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Jason May 22
I feel heavy.
Not tired — heavy.
Like my chest is holding something I can’t name,
and my silence is louder than anything around me.

I carry heartbreak like it's folded into the fabric of my being.
I carry memories that don’t speak, but press.
I carry questions I can’t answer yet —
what’s next, who I’ll become, if I’ll ever feel seen again.

They say I’m quiet.
Reserved.
But they don’t hear the storms that live under my stillness.

I don’t speak unless it matters,
because life has taught me not every word deserves to live.
Not every space is safe for honesty.
Not every ear will hold my truth without judgment.

But I hold it — every day.
And it gets heavy.

I wish I could cry — fully, not just a tear or two.
But crying feels like surrender, and I’ve been strong for so long
that I forgot what surrender feels like.

Still…
I feel something rising in me.
Not ego. Not pride.
Just… truth.

The truth that I’ve been through too much
to pretend I’m like the rest.
The truth that silence doesn’t mean weakness —
it means I’ve listened to the world and chosen to answer slowly.

And the truth that
even in this heaviness,
I am still here.

Still breathing.
Still standing.
Still healing.

Even if no one sees it — I know it.
  Apr 28 Jason
J.R.R. Tolkien
The world was young, the mountains green,

No stain yet on the Moon was seen,

No words were laid on stream or stone

When Durin woke and walked alone.

He named the nameless hills and dells;

He drank from yet untasted wells;

He stooped and looked in Mirrormere,

And saw a crown of stars appear,

As gems upon a silver thread,

Above the shadow of his head



The world was fair, the mountains tall,

In Elder Days before the fall.

Of mighty kings of Nargothrond

And Gondolin, who now beyond

The Western Seas have passed away;

The world was fair in Durin's Day.



A king he was on carven throne

In many-pillared halls of stone

With golden roof and silver floor,

And runes of power upon the door.

The light of sun and star and moon

In shining lamps of crystal hewn

Undimmed by cloud or shade of night

There shone for ever fair and bright.



There hammer on the anvil smote,

There chisel clove, and graver wrote,

There forged was blade, and bound was hilt;

The delver mined, the mason built,

There beryl, pearl, and opal pale,

And metal wrought like fishes' mail,

Buckler and corslet, axe and sword,

And shining spears were laid in hoard.



Unwearied then were Durin's folk;

Beneath the mountains music woke:

The harpers harped, the minstrels sang

And at the gates the trumpets rang.



The world is grey, the mountains old,

The forge's fire is ashen cold;

No harp is wrung, no hammer falls,

The darkness dwells in Durin's halls;

The shadow lies upon his tomb

In Moria, in Khazad-dûm.

But still the sunken stars appear

In dark and windless Mirrormere;

There lies his crown in water deep,

Till Durin wakes again from sleep.
  Apr 28 Jason
J.R.R. Tolkien
The Road goes ever on and on

Down from the door where it began.

Now far ahead the Road has gone,

And I must follow, if I can,

Pursuing it with eager feet,

Until it joins some larger way

Where many paths and errands meet,

And whither then? I cannot say.
Jason Apr 27
I'm not a stranger to silence
After all I was raised to be silent and elusive
Something you'd see once then dismiss as a hallucination or dejavu.

But to you I gained permanence, now that permanence is fading, it feels so freeing to go back to the silence. Soon I'll be just as elusive as I once was.

But this time, this time things are different I'm working on a new set of skills so should we ever meet again you won't recognize me.
Jason Apr 21
From a book a decade in the making.

These are the fragments left behind by a now humbled narrator who has finally learned to let go.

Scribbled in the margins and at the bottom of  pages that have been read and reread. Some written under the guise of a hopeless man in love, others by a man who understands what he is losing.  

For example: I knew how this would end.
But I really hoped I was wrong. I knew we had reached the final fork in our tale where we would go our separate ways or travel and map out our future together.

Scribbled next to dates in the margins and at the bottom of pages. I knew it was coming, I saw it coming; the inevitable ending of our story. The final curtain call and what was I was thinking?
I was just trying to memorize your face. That lovely smile, warm laugh, and the constant encouragement that you offered so freely.

And yes, behind closed doors you were always on my mind, we spent hours mapping each other out not out of lust, but because we truly thought we were on a path forever. You were the language I wanted to learn, with both my hands and heart.

As I'm finally ready to stamp this book with the seal; with a steady hand. I realize it was never meant to be. And I'm no longer sad as I was years before, trying again and again to end this story.

Still, the reality of finally closing this ten-year book leaves me feeling hollow. Like a part of myself just drew its final breaths.

Still,
I will keep on moving forward.
For you.
Jason Feb 23
Years ago, a bright flame ignited with a curiosity that could ****.

The flame erupted into an uncontrollable fire
Slowly it came under our control.
Changing from red to blue and never quite dying out.

It progressed into an exciting carnival ride, a real rollercoaster of emotions.

There was so much in between, but the memories have escaped me. I can barely remember now; it almost feels like it was always one-sided.

It extended from the desert of the laughing sun to the rolling planes where a the serine scene of you sitting in the dawn waited.

Good G-d how beautiful you looked in the morning sun there. Is this really it? All that remains are fractured memories of something that feels like a lifetime ago.
Jason Dec 2024
More than half the people you meet today will carry the weight of being a burden.
They will ask themselves if they are suited for the task before them.
The same can be said for love.
For relationships, for all the places where doubt takes place

In all honesty,
This uncertainty feels like fears shadow.
An extension of being afraid.

But does fear make us weak?
Most will say yes.
Why care what others think?
Why give someone the power to unmake you?

Society tells us
fear is an enemy.
A thief of peace.

Fortunately, some of us
We see fear differently.
We see it as a teacher,
its sharp edges hiding lessons
That are worth the pain of grasping.

So I encourage you
Be courageous
Be confident in all that you touch
even if your hands tremble
and especially if the task is unfamiliar.

For within fear
There is wisdom waiting
A quiet truth
To guide you forward.
Don't be afraid of the road ahead
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