My head feels like a balloon
all the thoughts trapped in one little space
focus too much attention on it and the balloon will snap
It happened. They gave me medication do take my thoughts away, but I am so trapped in my thoughts that the air escaped, and with that I got lost too
I don't know who I am anymore
There's one thing I do know
A balloon belongs to the sky, and that's where mine will be very soon
My balloon snapped a little while ago, but I made myself a new one.
Now the air is making it lightheaded again, so it can fly to the heavens for once

They all think I'm getting better
they are proud of the steps I'm taking, but they can't see that I'm taking them backwards
My thoughts are killing me. I take my meds and save them up as well. Just to be sure I tell myself
But I know I will attempt
It hurts so bad that even my body can't handle it anymore
I'm shutting down like a concerthall, the lights going off one by one
I tried to sedate myself with smoke and blood, but nothing seems to help
It's been three years since I've seen the light
and although I'm still fighting for it to come back, I know in the back of my head that it's almost an impossible task to fulfill
I'm terrified
I don't know what to do anymore and I'm alone
I'm still too scared to love, I won't let people near me
This isn't the way I planned on living my life
The play is taking all of my energy
and I don't know how to get it back

I'm trying so hard to let the air in
But all I can seem to do is scream terrifying melodies
they broadcast the pain like it's some sort of freakshow
The watchers laugh at me while I'm trying to dance with the devil
One wants to give me a hand and tries to pull me out of the madness, but he fails
It's okay though. I like to watch him while I suffer. He reminds me of the good things in life
And although we can't touch hands just yet I know he's the one feeding me oxygen while  most people stay at the sideline to watch me gasp for air

This cage is called a home by many
but they can't see what's happening inside
the screams and hurt trapped within this so called home are terrifyingly constricting
I want to escape, so I numb myself with whatever I can find
sometimes it is blood, sometimes the pills and sometimes the danger that saves me
These fights are so full of hate and desperation that it scares us all to tell the outside world about them
Thats why I only have myself
I need to protect the smallest, I need to support the biggest and help the middle one
but one of them is as much angel as a devil
with the snap of her finger the home turns into a cage once more and we're all trapped
I can't handle it anymore, the barriers hurt my body
The cage takes my breath away and forces me to find ways to numb myself
Meanwhile I leave everyone behind because I've learned that I'm better off alone
So now I'm pasting back and forth it the cage, waiting for someone to notice the girl I once was

It's killing me

She could’t breathe
She hated the pills that caused temporary relief
and now the last bit of air was crushed under the surface of a way too big depression
People around her saw the mask she put on
and although the person behind is was crumbling into little pieces they kept smiling at her like she was a statue finally found after years of being stolen
She made sure people knew she was as strong as that piece of brick
She made pain a friendly visitor and love a daily struggle
After years of suffering in silence she started to believe the lie she used as glue for her masks
Her pain became a crown and love became something to run from
But now her air was being stolen and she couldn’t fight back anymore
Years of holding the ball underwater made her arms sore and now her bones started to snap like sticks
It was clear who was winning the battle
She started finding peace in the thought of the everlasting darkness
She couldn’t breathe
And for the first time in years she stopped gasping for air