you shattered my heart.
it didn't even hurt this time.
because honestly,
i don't know that it ever healed from that last time.

what hurts.
what is still causing me pain.
is that you cared so ******* much.

and now,
i am in more pain than ever,
and you don't give half a ****.


*honestly i'm afraid you might find a little bit of joy out of it.

mornings would not be so bad if i woke up with a view of you.

i miss the way my name rolled off your tongue.

i am sorry that my everything was nothing to you.

i can't tell if a bird is happy or sad while he/she is chirping. and i kind of find peace in that because that means even sad things can be beautiful.

sometimes you just gotta lay down on the floor with your dog and let go of the world for a little.

you're really good at proving to me i deserve better.

i have a hard time getting out my house key.

saying*  *i love you  out of habit vs. **meaning it

people say
"you deserve better."

well how the **** do i find something better than the best **** thing that has happened to me.

did you truly love me or getting in my pants?

10:17
and it's already a bad night.
not gonna lie it could probably
top the charts
for one of the worst.

it started out as just some tears.
and then the gasping for breathe.
and then mentally close up my throat--
giving myself a real challenge to breathe.
and then i start getting physical chest pains.
because my chest is so used to going up to bring air in and back down to let that **** out.
real bad chest aches.
so i tried banging on my chest.
you know, givin it a little kick to work.
and i knew my chest hurt on the inside.
and i could feel my chest hurt on the outside now-- probably from my punches.
and then i started to notice
it felt good.*
so i kept hitting.
and hitting.
all while i'm trying to breathe.
but my mind won't let me.
i begin to use all of my energy.
i'm trying to rip off all of my skin.
and get rid of every place i've been touched.
i had to have been making some progress.
being that i felt the skin under my nails.
and i could feel every body part inflaming.
so i kept going.
and going.
but then i must've started to shut down.
mentally and physically i think.
idk it's all a blur.
i think i lost my vision for a little.
and probably my hearing.
either that or my six minute song skipped the middle three.
idk i'm still so unsure.*
but to say the least i collapsed.
physically for sure.
because i was on the ground.
and all i wanted was to go lower.
imagine this:
i'm crumpled up.
laying on my bottom floor.
begging god.
to let me go just two yards deeper.

please, god.
just let me go.
six feet under.

cheers.
bottoms up.
i'll drink to that.

whichever your preference.
but here's to hopefully:
the beginning of the end.

now the tricky part. picking a way to go out.

see you soon, nick.

i'm sorry for everyone i have bothered

please never tell me something that you don't mean,,
because i'm too stupid not to believe it.

you're a postscript as a title.

i'm tired of ******* everything up.
and i say i'm sorry after i ***** up. which is a lot more often than i would like. but i'm sorry that i apologize so often that it means nothing anymore. i am sorry. i never meant to be this big of a **** up.

i only want a place that i can call home.

tired of paper being the only one wanting to listen.

i hate how much i crave being loved--
it just sounds like it would be something nice.

i miss the memories we'll never be able to make.

there's nothing here anymore. leave while you still can.

if you aren't in love with the sky, then open up your eyes. this isn't some kind of dream; this is real. this is wonderful.

when you were 7 years old, did you ever think that this is really where you'd end up?

it's like
i'm an artist
and you're blind.

i've spent countless hours on these paintings.
i've put my everything in them.
there are small details that even the professionals couldn't notice.
and it turns out you can't either.

so why am i still painting?

the people who love you can still hurt you too.

There are so many words in our language.
So many ways to express myself.
A large sum to describe myself.
Joyous just isn't one of them.

I think up
This great fantasy
Of moving away

I think that
I need a new setting

But it hasn't taken me long
To realize

It's not this place

It is my mindset.

Who do you
Spend time with

When your annoyed
By your peers

And sick
Of your family?

Don't even listen to me
I have no idea what the ****
I am talking about

But honestly


Please show me someone who does.

I guess it's comforting to know that one day I won't be here anymore.

But what if this time
When you say goodbye
It really is forever

When drowning in your own thoughts
You have to be your own life saver.

Because no on wants best for you
More than you.

And I promise
No matter what it comes down to
You'll always be placed second
By everyone around you.

You're responsible for putting yourself on top.

So hold your breath
And swim on up.

My hands are still shaking because I know I'll never speak to you again. I am still crying because I know I'll never hear your laughter again. I am still mourning over the idea of never hearing you cry again. I am still nervously laughing because I'll never hear your lies again. And maybe I never had time to let these sink in, because quite honestly I've never been so ****** up. But maybe I never was okay and now I'm letting you take the blame. For you are never going to be able to defend yourself again, and quite honestly, I'm still bitter.

I want to do something big with my life
And I don't know what that is.
I wish I knew what I'm going to do
So I could get on the right path.

Because right now
The biggest thing I have done in my life
Is **** everything up.

I'm getting used to being alone.
Comfortable with being by myself.

Not in the good way.
Opposite of growing confidence.

Like me building myself up
To having no expectations.

No invitations out.
No boys talking to me.

Unless it's for homework.
Or being *****.


I guess we can't all have everything.
So don't check me off for friends or happiness.

Sometimes I jump at the view of my shadow.
And I smile as tears are rolling off my cheek.
When I hear someone whisper my name I pretend it's you speaking.

I have a hard time admitting this but I need you to know that even though you aren't in my life anymore,, thinking about you is the most important part of my day.

It's 3 am somewhere
And that's just another reason
For me to tell you this.

I think I've gone mad
I just might be insane.

Come along with me
And together we can be crazy.

Just know
that our comprehension
of each other
through communication
is furthest understood
through words.

And words have a limit.

So maybe we
are just beyond that.

I don't know why I cry.
It doesn't fix anything.
And there's no one there
To wipe them away
Or at least comfort me.

Keep in mind
You're just like your friends.

So choose wisely
Because no matter how different you think you are
No one else can tell the difference.

Oh ******* it

I just want to live atop a mountain
And paint what I see
And write a book
And pick my own flowers
And be no where near people
And make things from wood
And warm myself with a fire

And oh how I can't wait to take things into my own hands but nothing scares me more than believing I'm going to ***** it all up.

I've learned to live this way
Because of people like you.
Yes you.
No matter how bad of a person I think I am
You are worse.

You take insecurities and
Give me less of a reason to feel safe
Especially behind my back.  

I'm sorry your stupidity probably doesn't understand
What half of these mean.

Ever understood an analogy?

Here it is plain and simple.

Go **** yourself.

you used to pick me up when i fell,
but now i am laying on this cold concrete floor and i hear someone snickering in the background and i know i haven't heard your laugh in awhile but i know i could never forget that laugh of yours.

What do you even mean
That's not right
You shouldn't be with him.

I don't give half of a ****
About what you have to say
So you won't affect my actions.

Don't worry
When you flip on me
I'm not going to care then either
So don't even waste your breath