I am very quickly beginning to hate the person I have become

And everyone around me is assuring me that I have every reason not to be loved

Even from myself

I am not
Scared of
                      dying

And I believe
That's the most
Terrifying thing
I have ever written

And yet it
Is the most
Powerful thing
About me.

I think up
This great fantasy
Of moving away

I think that
I need a new setting

But it hasn't taken me long
To realize

It's not this place

It is my mindset.

Keep in mind
You're just like your friends.

So choose wisely
Because no matter how different you think you are
No one else can tell the difference.

Waiting for the day
For you to call me
When I'm looking at flowers
Instead of up at the stars

I want to do something big with my life
And I don't know what that is.
I wish I knew what I'm going to do
So I could get on the right path.

Because right now
The biggest thing I have done in my life
Is **** everything up.

I don't know why I cry.
It doesn't fix anything.
And there's no one there
To wipe them away
Or at least comfort me.

Oh ******* it

I just want to live atop a mountain
And paint what I see
And write a book
And pick my own flowers
And be no where near people
And make things from wood
And warm myself with a fire

And oh how I can't wait to take things into my own hands but nothing scares me more than believing I'm going to ***** it all up.

What do you even mean
That's not right
You shouldn't be with him.

I don't give half of a ****
About what you have to say
So you won't affect my actions.

Don't worry
When you flip on me
I'm not going to care then either
So don't even waste your breath

Sometimes I jump at the view of my shadow.
And I smile as tears are rolling off my cheek.
When I hear someone whisper my name I pretend it's you speaking.

I have a hard time admitting this but I need you to know that even though you aren't in my life anymore,, thinking about you is the most important part of my day.

all i want in life is to paint and travel and write and read and love and cry. and i can't.
i am craving life. and it's a taste i haven't had it since a past life.
i struggle because that taste is still lingering and that's what has kept me going. in search for that new, bursting flavor. i've only had dull foods.
i keep pouring myself into this search. and i've noticed i've only made it a few streets over since the day i was born.
i'm starting to lose that burning passion to find it. my great flame has turned into barely embers.
i'm not who i was. and neither are any of you if you were wondering. i've lived in this same town for all of my years, but i still seem to be lost.
i never learned properly how to use a map.

maybe one day i'll find some sort of clue. i have plans of where i'm headed, but hopefully they won't work out.

this craving is getting to me. i can hardly ever even feed myself anymore because i am giving myself more that i don't want. i drink a lot of water which is probably another reason the fire is dying.
oh well. this is what life is about, right?


**you could have been my gasoline.

You are my drug,
And I'm about to overdose.