Empty
That's what this feeling is
It's emptiness
I thought maybe if I put my ribcage under a microscope
I could find you somewhere in there
Like you never left
I can't find you
Empty
I can't even find my heart in here either
Nothing is here
But that's my fault
Silly me
Thinking that I was actually good enough for once
But that's when I noticed
That my ribs had turned black
Empty
I didn't think anything of it
Until I touched them
And ink came away
Staining my fingertips
Maybe if I could've kept you laughing
Or calling me a ******* for the stupid **** I'd do
Just to see that smile on your face
Empty
Empty
I'm empty the caverns of this cage
A  hollowed out stage
Where voices used to flow
Melodies swelling and cresting
Breaking into sweeter notes
Breaking into better days
Into better nights
Whiskey stopped whispering my name
Stopped pirouetting around me
Empty
My bed stopped calling
Not even it wanted to sleep with me
The sun stopped talking to me
The moon started hounding me
A sirens song on a lone wind
The stars only sweetened the deal
Of coming out at night
I saw my soul
Shiver out of my bones
I saw my body collapse
I saw the regrets glass over my eyes
I saw the mistakes creep over my skin
I watched them stiffen my body
A smile stretched over my corpses face
Filled to the brim with bursting
The insanity ripping from the seams
All of the things I held back from saying
To you
To other people
Searing across my bodies skin
Glowing brighter and brighter
All of these thoughts
All of these regrets
And yet
I was still
Empty
Even as the stars that had always been in my eyes
Finally kissed me goodbye
And winked out
I was still
Empty

Twisting turning
Tempest of night
Give me a light
Guide my way tonight
Let me see
The darkest that you could be
Take your skeletons out of the closet
If only so they can alight
To never be a problem for morrow  
Satisfy my eyes with your pretty face
While I ignore the rotting grace
Ever so eternal
A floral shirt lazing in the wind
Whenever did we start
Wherever did we end?
A jaded over happy face  
Your body already half way into the grave
I tried
I did
You were supposed to stay
So when the last ember in my body
Started to wane
You would be the one to lay me down to die
Mourn my vacant shell
Yeast like lungs that won't rise
Fresh tilled soil
Slowly starting to decay from the inside
Careful tending fingers
That will no longer get to learn
The shape of your face
Or the edge of your jawline
Or the lines in your smile
Skin that caves in
That comes away on my fingertips
Like dough
You and I
It seems
We were never supposed to make it
So close to being looped
To forever fake it
You faded through my present
And into my past
I've chemically bonded with the future
Content to stay here.
Forever barred and bonded

"And when your fourth love leaves you. You will want to **** yourself, but you won't Because you no longer think of suicide as a house you will build one day" ~ Future Tense by Neil Hilborn.

I keep hoping
That if I keep writing enough about you
About us
What happened and what you did
It'll be written out of the existence of my conscious
That the memories will melt away
As if they were frost coated blades of grass
In a lukewarm spring morning
I care you know
About if you're happy now
Maybe
I keep hoping that if I bleed enough ink
Everything will finally stop
And fall
And reorder itself
That the past five years
Will fade out
Through the tip of this pen
The insecurities will be gone
The trauma will be gone
The memories will be gone
You'll be gone
For good
Never existing
A total and complete stranger
Because who you are now
Isn't who I first met
But that's life right?
People changed
I changed
And it hurt like hell
But after that
Everything melded
Faded together
The sun and moon
Will no longer fight for supremacy behind my closed eyelids
Sadness will finally move out of happiness's home
The unwanted roommate
Never paying their rent
Leaving behind tidbits of loneliness
That would always cover
Your vortex infused days of sun
Cozy winter mornings have reappeared
Snuggled in a blanket
Snow caressing my window sill
A gust turned into
An extinct lovers laugh
Because my days are brighter
My pen is lighter
And the ink that I've bled
Over the past five years
Has finally been staunched
From the incisions
On my ugly blue battered
Gun powder heart.

Storm

I can tell you so many things about the world and what I’ve seen. What I’ve done. What’s happened to me.
But there’s something I think we can all relate to. When you find a person, that in reality they tell you they’re no good for you. You’ll just get hurt.
But it’s like waking up in the morning after staying up till three. And not feeling tired
It’s like taking the first good drink of coffee after you haven’t had any for a while.

It’s like this calm painted over picture with a glorious sunset and the waves cresting and rising. The clouds stained with colors that you didn’t even know could mix together and create something new.
It’s like falling out of an airplane and instead of feeling fear you just can’t stop thinking about the wind rushing in your ears touching your face. Your heart in your throat your stomach trying to join it. And you know that it could go wrong the parachute could fail and you’d just be falling. Knowing that you may very well end up dead.

A splat of blood and organs with tiny shreds of bone on the pavement. But at least you died with this weird feeling. This feeling of total  happiness and calm. But the same time you’re scared as ****.
Sometimes when they’re with you it’s this huge really really huge wave. And all you wanna do is fix whatever you did that day. But they just give you this look of disappointment and walk away.
It’s like when you’d jump off the swings when you were smaller and you’d hit the ground. And you got that weird sometimes painful feeling where it felt like you would never breathe again. But then this relief hits you and suddenly you’re gulping down air like an alcoholic chugs down three bottles of whiskey.
Sometimes it’s the violent roaring storm that’s like an untamable saber tooth. You’re being tossed around and shredded apart like this beast was planted in your heart and now it’s awoken and wants to be freed. The worst of these storms are when everything is ok. And then suddenly they just snap and start fighting with you.

And it just leaves this hollow feeling like this isn’t what you expected. But these storms are never what you thought or expected.
They’re a smashed up *** of porcelain shards. They’re beautiful and lovely to look at. But then you’re pushed into it and someone closes the lid and starts shaking it up. And you’re being bitten all over cut into you’re bleeding everywhere. And you just want this hell to end and when it seems like it’s climaxing and getting to the height of it.

It just stops and the person who threw you in there is looking down at you all concerned. And you’re so ******* happy to see them and you get up even though it hurts and you’re still being stabbed by these harsh unforgiving shards. But suddenly They just push you back down and put the lid back on and keep doing it.

Like you didn’t suffer enough.
That is a storm. Violent but soft to the touch and a beautiful thing that can break you and then remake you over and over again.
That is the storm entirely unexpected and not what you thought you’d get.

Quaking Earth shattering Revolting
And I'm in the middle of it
My heart is at least
I didn't realize or notice that it got so big able to lumber out of my chest
I guess that's ok because I can't do anything about it
Just like I couldn't do anything about the fire rising up behind "me"
You aren't with me I don't get to hear your laugh anymore
Sprinkling down through ivy covered walls
You aren't with me
I've realized that a lot
But I also realize that when I get up in the morning
Or in most cases never going to sleep to begin with
The moon a lovely
Complicit pale lover
Never questioning me
Never worrying me
Listening when I need to talk
And instead of telling me what to do
Or telling me what I'm doing wrong
it just listens
I knew it wasn't a mistake when I fell for your pale face
It was a mistake when I started liking someone
Who's face didn't stay impressively passive when looking at me
It was a mistake to fall out of orbit
For someone who never wanted to be free
From the confines of gravity
To  come into my sky
You know sometimes
I can still see your shadow
Just out of the corner of my eye
The way your hair would fall
How your eyes would even enrapture the sun
You aren't mine anymore
But the sun still deigns to rise
And the moon still loves me
I can't get back the love and adoration
I gave you over the past five years
And as I said I still see your shadow sometimes
But you aren't mine
And that's ok
Because even though you never cared
About being the meteor that knocked me out of orbit
I still cared about you being happy
Even when it wasn't with me
Even when it isn't with me
And each day since
I've gotten off of the ground
More and more
So thanks
For the broken insecurities
For the things that I never wanted
Thanks for submerging me into a vat
Made out of stress and emotional pain
Thanks
For the new sense of orbit
And the new outlook
And that sometimes
Dreams shatter
Possibilities shatter
But that's ok
Because when they shatter
The fractures
Lead to new doors

I am in unending hell
Because it started with a kiss
And now I keep wondering how it ended up like this
But it never started with a kiss
Because I've never actually ******* kissed you
But then it did end up with just one **** look
ONE LOOK
And I accidentally tripped over my unlaced shoes
Except you can't lace up vans that don't have shoe laces to begin with
But I did end up tripping
Into your hazel colored eyes
Except they aren't hazel colored
Because I've seen
Silver
Blue
Dark blue
Green
And this weird really
Really
Really
Pale
Turquoise color
But no that's not really any justified way to do it
I don't do romantic poetry or
Even poetry but my point is
You didn't smile as much as you usually do and I pay attention to you so much
That I can hear the smile in your voice
But no really one look
And my whole family was crowded around my computer asking you questions
And forgetting that I existed and now that I look back
Because it didn't happen too long ago
My heart is actually constricting with each breath I take
This thing called crushes and love and liking someone
Is kinda confusing
My heart trips over its feet
My eyes get wider and brighter than a full moon
My fingers cramp
I asked you something once while playing a game
It was a really romantic setting
I think you were the shape and you were trying to stab me
So I started ******* around and flirting with you
Because I mean
I kinda thought
"If you're laughing too much you can't stab me and if you're flirting back you won't be focused on stabbing me."
You just really make me smile
And right now I've tried to write this smile down
First taking the corners of my lips
And sticking thumb tacks in them
Just to try and hold them down
To stop the stretching grin
And to stop my face from actually hurting
Because that's how much you make me smile
Thanks

P.S
I blame ALL of this on you.