‪Struggling, I thought I was standing strong‬
But i was falling slowly.

“ I am fading just like your colors do”
That’s what I wrote in the middle of it, in the deepest whole depression can dig
How could such bright colors represent such pitch black mood
Thought coloring will help, but coloring won’t do
Now looking at it, why do i still love the color blue after you?

You’re lonely, such a survivor
You told yourself: boys are built that way
Quick, was the perfect end to the fall
Fall, and cover yourself in this
Mind games and riddles
You hid the answer deep within

You find hope  in the little things, I’m no one to tell you to lose it
I don’t wanna break the hands that ever reached out and helped me but ******* they held me under
Held me tight
And I wanna let you go but, letting go hurts you and I know
I know
Why does it matter if we go our separate ways?
why do you care?
You didn’t care enough to stay
Why do you care? You didn’t notice our goodbyes in the silence
You didn’t notice the change of our way.

You must admit
I am painfully human
I give my all, but still be humiliated at how little that is
I cannot control my moods,
Or my nervous breakdowns
I am overly human
I feel intensely, or nothing at all
I sometimes feel like I could cry from the beauty of our night sky
But, what is left from my dark times starts to creep in, little poisonous claws
“You are” I am,
I repeat,
“your efforts”  my efforts,
“your struggles”  my struggles,
“your worth” my worth,
“are nothing”  Are-
Oh but I sob to that
And try to fight back
But the feeling lingers,
like the softest words of endearment

You seem small and fragile
Even to my touch
I am terrified of how my love might crush you
But I cannot get myself to be the better person
I cannot hide how deep your eyes cut me
I cannot get myself to hide how stupidly I am in love with you
How much it is devastating

I was your poison, before the world went grey
I was crazy, before you called me insane
I was beautiful, before you called my       Beauty "pain"  
You've changed my title, cause you didn't want to feel the same
As they all say, I was crazy, competitive and stubborn,
So you saw them all but, in a different way
Baby trust me, I am your soulmate.

I cling to the idea of you
And slowly break knowing you are not real.

With this perfect rhythm, I feel it break
With those love words, I feel further away,
from what I used to be
My words used to mean something,
something maybe deep
But they couldn’t heal this cut, this wound, this break
From this I unknown depth, Everything seems foggy
Seem to have been overtaken.

I closed the lights to prove to myself
Maybe I could suffer more
MaybeI could reach and tear my limbs to reach the shore
I only closed the drapes
Because I know the light will still whisper
In its uncanny way
And undoubtedly it’s only my thoughts to see
But there’s nothing, in this void
Do you still wanna see?
Do you still wanna reach into this depthless sea?
That my words seem to drown in
Never to surface, never meaning to tell what I might feel.

Isn’t the voices in your head loud enough! why do they have to raise their voices for you to hear them?
Isn’t air such a heavy thing to carry? Try walking around with unspoken words
The weight of them can’t be held,
Only you think you can handle
Till you fall and shatter now, look around you they think you can handle,
You’re just not worth the gamble
In their careless state of mind, in their darkness, You are a hypocrite for pretending to be strong
In their defense you didn’t tell
In your defense words didn’t make sense.

All she had was her fire
And that was plenty,
To burn herself
all her desires withered and fell
As solid turned to ash
And embers seized the memorie that made her
smoke rose and told her,
All you have is your fire and that’s enough.

We’ve only touched the surface
And tyed ribbons around the depthless sea
And mocking it’s color when ever we felt like it
The despairing silver black waves, in this crescent night
And in its nightmare, black like charcoal with no glow
How does that go without mention?
How does that not speak our truth?

Looking for me between pictures
Looking for you, but you're just fiction
Asking, i have a mission
Sitting down, i have a vision
Tasting, im not reminiscing
Crying, im not thinking
solace in, silence out
Well, guess you're blending in,
Take me, I am out
Hands above your head
With your black background.

I am the night,
They see and don’t feel
But the loneliest one
I am the knight,
They stand behind
And I hear the rythem of the fight
The battle bleeds,
And the knights are sacrificed.

At least i have something i care about
At least I have something to call my passion
I’m still not sober,

Don’t you know I try so hard not to lose myself in the art I do
or the words I write
Trying not to lose myself to fiction and fantasy
Between the words that escape me
I found myself wandering in what feels like eternity
And I found what inspire me, in this hopless place
Only you can make me feel this way
Only can make me write love prosperity

Im lost, Im genuinely lost
Don’t you see?
I’m lost between my words
Im lost between holding on too hard or letting go too easily
I’m lost whether this is me or what the consequences made out of me
Im lost, what do I do when I don’t have confidence in me?
I’m lost, having to fight the thoughts that bring you down
And I lost a part of me
I’m lost because nothing is good enough now
Because that’s the achievements that came out of me
Im lost, should I sleep where the stress ate away from me, or should I wake up and be in my nightmare reality.

No depression shall take the beauty out of you
Went to you with a poem of mine
Saying “Im no good, Im no good”
You took the edge off, made me look at the bright bright sun saying “ maybe I shall rise like you when it’s time for the bleak night to end”
Cause we are like the moon and sun; should never be too old nor young
And again, my depression shall never take
The beauty off you.

Someone tell me why we’re hurting instead of the people that should’ve been hurt?

I fear for what I consider dimness that is only the long way to dark
I began to question the little things that don’t make sense from the start.

To feel fear and not write it in your words
clinch and grind
To slowly try to swallow and speak despite the choked throat
To form words and intentionally write them wrong
You know that only you would read them so why make them instantly lost?
Confess and tell yourself
What is it that you truly fear?
The absence of someone who was truly there?
To only touch the surface? And nothing beyond, of someone who was truly there.

I don’t know what is it I fear
I don’t know what I despise, but I despise this the most  
I envy your will, for I have been broken time after time for it
I wanna smash my head into the nearest wall
This stupid useless thing
Every time I try to let myself down easy, I know there’s only disappointment after
It shouldn’t be like that you know,
I wasn’t like this

You’ve always said to me “keep your eyes closed; I don’t wanna see your misery”
And you’ve said “ cry out loud cry out loud to the point where I don’t hear”
So I cried loud enough till the moon heard me and I talked to the echoes where my words faded into silence.

You write the little things people forgot
You write the memories and those are a lot
And even if I wrote in poems,
What would I even gain from this rhythm?
Nobody could understand the puzzles I’ve written,
The feelings from within
Cause nobody could get in
Nobody could reach the part that drifts and sails in this useless rhythm.

The stars are falling into my eyes, and falling out of it, in a shape of a tear.

Why am i loving this feeling?
Buzz, the killing type
Don't know but, in a way I know exactly
What's going on
Trying to interface, between I and the photos that you call real life
Gathering actions, it takes me a few minutes to understand.

I try with great force to abandon this feeling that comes everyday
That I’m not good with words or numbers
I’m not good at all
Trying to ignore the feeling that my grades don’t define me but, they do
And I’m no good
No good at all
Can’t help but to feel jealous and pity myself for that
Trying to push back the cruel words i might say to myself
Trying not to tear up
Where did my confidence go?
Distract myself but, someday, someday soon, I’ll end up alone with no people no books but with all these thoughts that haunt me.

I said I’m not gonna break
But I broke anyway
Promised to hold myself but, I held my pieces away
And I whispered and after whispering came the scream
Run as far as you can from what sounds so real
For I could only imagine that if this isn’t a dream, I would never be able to wake.

The sunlight on these empty streets
And this city blown up with lights
And these nightmares as they try to reach,
The core of my well hidden steadiness,
Put on a leash

Barely catching a breath
Nearly falling of the edge
So close to finding yourself
So far away from knowing it.

I am a shy poet, who’s in conflict with his work
Or is it my feelings I despise?

You don't wanna try so I learned all the tricks for you
you don't wanna go to another direction so i ate all the rocks and they got through, through my eyes and my heart for you
I stood there like a wall to block the ugly vision that was in front of you
I guess they were true
You didn't appreciate me but, I wished you would do.

**** they're playing him sad songs
Sad songs for a warrior, songs, that mess with his head
So even when he dies he'd think he deserved it

Then you don't need a hand to hold
You don't need a way to go
Standing there waiting to fall

It seemed reckless and harsh
The way I led you on
The way I told you I care for you freely
But it was never that
I was in shackles and I never let myself slip
Oh imagine what we could’ve been
You were a dream come true
You were what I wish I could be
Passionate and poetic in every sense
Oh the way you cared for me
And the way I never felt I could be anyone but me
But I held on to the whisper of my past
What if this was an obsession like any other love I’ve had
What if you lost interest in me
and left me be the shell of a person who had hope in better memories

Black, and those that bloom die soon,
And I drown in the depth of those greens of yours
Drift,
And see what my heart saw in thee
What my poems saw in me.

Moving my body so it doesn't fall
Reading my poems so i can stay calm
Standing still so there won't be more.

We really use them these days
When it’s time to turn off our blinding light
They fall into pieces
So yes, we fall back into the realization that we aren’t more than just depressed people trying to fake happiness until death.