The day has finally come
i didn’t know how i would feel on this day a year ago
then, i was in deep deep pain
numb, sad, confused, lost, broken
even now i still am, i guess
when i realized what today was, i grew completely numb and i cried

i wish i could rinse you off of me with a cold shower
i wish i could have brainwashed you away
i wish i could remember what we felt like without this pain

but those are just wishes
even if a genie did come and grant them for me
i wouldn't be the person i am today
i think that's the worst part though:
you helped mold me into who i have become

i wonder what it would be like to see you again
i wonder what you think of me after a year
i wonder if i am still your scapegoat

because you're now mine

happy birthday, my tragic dark prince
i hope you have a beautiful day

it started with a simple gesture
I ran my hands through my hair
felt its texture
i was fine

I started to get nervous
running hands through hair is a normal thing, right?
but then I watched as my hands transformed into claws
digging into my scalp

the nails digging deeper and deeper
i felt all of my feelings, thoughts, secrets pouring out of me like blood
as the claws caught hold of my hair
pulling everything inside of me
out

i couldn't breathe

but just as quickly everything returns to normal
examining my hands again to make sure i'm not the monster i once was
feeling my scalp to check if i'm bleeding
noticing all the quizzical stares and pitying eyes

can they see? the real me?

there are words
that don't express
what one feels

there are feelings
one can't express
that cause suffering

grief

resentment

I hope to not alarm you
but we cannot explain everything we feel
we experience
it's like when you can't remember a dream
but you can feel how it was
to be in that dream and indeed experience it
How it enveloped you into it and you could not escape
Until the sweet moment of awakening

But that dark cloud will always return

sorrow

mourning

the mourning for what never was and never will be
the companionship of a fellow soul that understands your deepest darkest inner parts of you
that lifts you up when you are down, and turns your life upside down
the little flip it gets when you see him
the excited fear of what comes when he is around
the realization that you can never focus on a single subject because everything turns you back to him

everything turns you back to him

hear my lament, my sorrow
to drown myself into a sea of torment

My heart has always felt empty
There was always something missing
I just wish you hadn't tried to fill it

With your words
With your attention
With your love
With you

To the point where it was ALMOST filled
almost
but then you ripped yourself away
right when i needed you most

after so long, what do i do?
how do i function?
why am i so empty again?
what did i do to make you leave?

i feel like a shadow of myself, partly existing partly fading
mostly fading
emptier than even before
because I was full with you