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DeAnn Nov 2017
it's been so long since I've cried
it feels like years
no matter how much I've tried
i could not cry any tears

every pain that I've endured
every mistake I've made
i held it in, safe and secured
i thought my emotions would fade

Now it has all returned
tenfold, hundredfold, never ends
the pain in my chest forever spurned
can't figure out how to make amends

So now my tears flow like waterfalls
and i feel pain but gladness
because everything that my mind recalls
rids me of all my madness

All that is left
is a broken me
but less broken
and ready for the world to see
DeAnn Nov 2017
Who are you?

You were my everything, the one I looked up to and depended on most

You had a fire that was unquenchable. The world was your oyster and you refused to ever let the world take you down because you knew if the world took you down then you would be quenched, the fire gone and dead.

You did

Now when I see you, you are... different

You are no longer the fire I saw, but something else I cannot fathom. You go with what everyone says, even when I know you think differently. I see the fear, the tiredness, the anxiety, the sadness, they read on your face like a map to your heart.

Your heart has been broken somehow, and in that your fire has died. You have died.

I hope there are still some embers left, because I do know you

You are strong, courageous, noble
You never let anyone or anything stand in your way because you have purpose and fire
You light up those around you, are fueled by those around you, take delight as your flame sparks others and makes you brighter than ever before

THAT is who you are
That is how I see you

My peer, my friend, my sister
DeAnn Nov 2017
I am afraid of having you and losing you
I am afraid that I am never enough
I am afraid of being unworthy of your time and presence
I am afraid I will never be enough
I am afraid I will push you away
I am afraid that as soon as I let you in, you'll break me like everyone else has

But if I'm already broken, what more is there to break?
DeAnn Nov 2017
I have a fire within me

I fight and fight until I get out of the pit

the pit you have created with your words

I will not surrender

I will not back down

I grow stronger with every word you say against me

Against who I am

Against what I live for

You will not stop me

Or you will burn from my flames
DeAnn Nov 2017
My breath is shallow
My heart beats quicker
I saw your face
I heard your voice

But it was your phantom that follows me
The one that follows me into my dreams
And paints pictures far better than reality ever was
So when I wake up I don't want to be living in reality
But in you

But it's your phantom I am chasing, not you
Because I know who you are now
You hid your true self from me for so long but I found it

Your true self was the You that didn't return my texts
And ignored my calls
Ignored my cries for help as I drowned
Into an empty chasm of death

Yet you looked into it
And laughed

But
Somehow I climbed out
Despite my dirtiness and brokenness
I found a way to climb out of that endless chasm

And though I may be tainted
I am alive
I breath the air of a survivor
I am in the eye of the storm, safe from all evils because I have prevailed

Until your phantom returns
DeAnn Nov 2017
I tend to forget that the pen is mightier than the sword
When I sit down to write, there's a filter with what is and isn't okay to say

It can't be too dark but it can't be too happy either
No, that's not like you. Erase it all
Maybe try a different approach

The filter encases me into social rules and status


Don't interrupt even if you have something you really wanna share
Make sure you smile at everyone because it'll make their day
Only talk when spoken to
Agree with everything they say because they are right

The filter transfers to a physicality stance

You're too fat
Maybe a shake diet for a year could help, but probably not
Don't eat for the next few days
Oh look, your face broke out again. Put on a ton of makeup and maybe it'll look better

My filter has enveloped me into a completely white padded cell with no doors and no windows
I myself am wearing a white jumpsuit with a straight jacket as an accessory

I am a prisoner to my filter
DeAnn Nov 2017
I forget what I look like in the mirror
Constantly
So when I pass a mirror I see my reflection

"Is that me? Do I really look like that? Wow."

Then I go about my day, forgetting what I look like

But that's a metaphor, isn't it?

Because we have our moments of mirror looking and see ourselves, and we know who we are

And as soon as we leave that mirror, we forget
Consumed with the world, consumed with emotions and confusion and even hatred at times, we forget who we are
We forget what we stand for, what motivates us to keep up our drive. We can be there for days, months, years,
Forgetting

Until we pass another mirror and we are sparked with intention
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