you closed your eyes and smiled...told me how much you loved feeling my gentle touch...
and how that alone was more than enough...

now you don't want to come anywhere near me...

World still spins
Onward & outward it goes
Undeniably unapologetic
New, old, borrowed, blue
Downward & upward we go

you have taught me..
so now i must learn...
a lesson such as life
cannot be simply a lecture to listen to
and take notes upon...
a hands-on portion must be practiced
in order to truly, learn the material...

"i will always love you."
i love that you mean what you say.

"i see you more as a friend."
i hate that you mean what you say.

I'd rather be hurt with honesty than lied to and still get hurt.

Don't say one thing
then do another

Don't tell me
you never want to
hurt me
while you carve your
name onto my heart
with your knife
then say you didn't know

Whoever said tender is the night had never had
their heart ruptured. On one knee
one moment for you, on both the next,
like Dickman. Pray if I must, but you refused to sit
in the pews with me—Pews full of peace and agony,
of lace and thorns—thorns my fingertips never bled for
because you never gave them. I filled you
with my nectar, you gave back your milk—"and I can’t help but feel
I am only meant to show you
how to love so you could love someone else,
better,” I said to you through fingers
like earthquakes. Eyes kaleidoscopes of Want—Need
that you’d shut up and say don’t go…stay…don’t
grow old without me in your faded, navy and gray
plaid pajama pants, the ones with little lint pills all
over them from washing them twice a week—
“I will pray for you” even though you never drove me
around because you said your car was a mess. Eight months
and you never cleaned it, not once. I wanted you
until I didn’t until I do. I will pray for you—like when I made
eye contact with a drunk man walking his rottweiler
or realized that I was the punchline. Salt on the rim, the sugar on the knife,
the one I bought in that convenience store we inconveniently stopped by.
Losing you was my doing—my undoing. “Sister moon,” he said,
I always thought she was a boy, a boy like the one I won’t get
to entangle my touch-starved limbs around when I lay my eyes
down to dream of the planets growing along the horizon
or violently shifting our orbit—we tasted worlds between our lips, didn’t we—
I will pray for you, what you look like
when you’re asleep, what expressions would give away what you are
dreaming about, limbs twitching, eyes darting
back and forth like a tennis match
I was invited to but chose not to attend. Prettiest Girl
in the Psych Ward, I take a pill “to help you sleep” but it only gives
me nightmares—where you’re still here, dancing with me under
the pale stars like the glitter across my collarbone
with cheeks the color of my bra. To bite into you,
even though you taste like a lemon. To hollow you out, until your rind is
all that’s left, my Hell.
I will pray for you and Holly Beine
and “one day” and birthdays when I don’t have to
not bake you a chocolate cake
twice because I burnt it the first time.
I will pray for you. I will pray for you.

Silent was the sound of you when i asked what was wrong.
To make it through this week is the greatest goal of all.
Ontario was the lake where i found out i was beautiful.
Never will i ever not feel love for you somewhere in these bones.
Exit signs glow red across the dim empty room.
Stones to skip or stones to build a forever home.

Treacherous is the path we'd have to take to outlast, outrun.
Onward we'd rise, radiate, rectify, resil...

Sadness left me empty, sadness left me whole.
Knowing you're okay is all i could ask for.
Is it too soon to know?
Perfect was the night you came to see me when i missed you most.

the days have been brighter since you came along
(:

The second I hear the first
note on those black & white keys,
the first few words
sung
my eyes are desperately
searching for you.
Darting back and fourth across the room.
Salty seas welling up inside of my eyes.

My soul is longing to feel
connected with yours again.
Liberated.
I feel you listening to our song
too somewhere.

Though I cannot see you,
I know you are there.
We exist on a completely different plane
than everyone else.
Far off & together.
One mind,
One heart.

Most of the time
I feel outnumbered.
An army of thoughts
out to push me into a corner
& make me feel small.
I must not let them.
I will not let them.

I am strong
enough to lift myself up
& hold my head up high
enough to see the hopeful sun
rising above the horizon.
But there's always a part inside of me
that wants to be protected by you.
A part inside of me
that wants to be saved by you
from myself.

This, I want to be for you.
Protect you,
know you,
care for you.
When you feel outnumbered
& the darkness is closing in,
I will be there by you
to remind them that the two of us together
can undeniably outnumber armies of them.

not a day that went by
did the lull become dull.

every waking moment that passed,
only deepened the ache
that roared within
these weary bones.

every atom
every cell
every heart beat
every inhale
every exhale
and with every fiber
of my being,
do i still want you.

i wanted you then
i want you now

will you want me too?

every moment
every memory
every glance
every touch

you live inside of me now,
from the moment our
souls collided
like the inevitability
of the thrashing navy waves
crashing upon the rocks at shore.

"i had all
and then most of you,
some, and now none of you..."

i find you in the gold sunrises,
i find you in the pink sunsets.

i find you in the california poppies,
and among the ripe sweet figs.

i find you between the branches and rained-on leaves,
park benches and hearts on sleeves.

i find you in the supermarket flowers,
i find you in the browning pages between my fingers . . .

mostly, i find you in the words.
the words between the soft melodies
and heavy harmonies . . .

the songs i used to throw myself into
i consciously avoid,
like a wound you are too afraid to rip
the bandage off too soon in case it hasn't
healed fully . . .

yet it's all i feel i have left of you . . .

darling
you never called me by my name

darling . . .
don't leave me,
not now
not ever . . .

the time,
reckless.
abandoning ship
as it uncontrollably
tears through all
sense and space.

the time . . .
the time we lost,
never saved . . .

time we had,
never made . . .

the time we made,
never had . . .

never paused,
never tamed . . .

not reclaimed,
just replayed . . .

I cannot compete because I've already won.

Amongst a sea of gray faces frozen in a grimace,

I stand unmoved, vivacious, bubbling, & beaming . . .

This subterranean city in which we build our lives,

Only to realize we don't have to forever.

I am learning how to break my chains . . .

The darkness raucously surrounding & determined to suffocate anyone who lets it,

I face with fear to over power it until I am no longer afraid . . .

I reach the other side
where all I feel is warm, immense jubilance
& magnificent colors . . .

This life is once
& a beautiful grandeur
we no longer have to endure . . .

It is our choice,
to take for granted or unearth
our true voice . . .

we will
speak in
songs
and
cursive lines
and
soft looks
from
across the
room
until
i am
no longer
sorry
for
loving
and
until
you know
how you
feel.
until we
both know
how
to say
what we
want...
desire...
need.

I want to
make love to your
s o u l
& feel it pulling me in
closer when I look
into your eyes . . .

you were the only one
who ever made me feel
like i could simply be me
& not worry once about
how you saw me or
what you thought of me.

you were the only one
who ever made this life
feel easy. soft. bright.

you were the one that
made everything before you
fade away to nothing...
none of it mattered anymore...
the hurt...the darkness...the aching.

you were the only one
who could have left hours ago
but i'd still be left smiling
because of you.

you were the only one
who ever heard me sing.
loudly, obnoxious, & without
fear.

you were the only one
who ever touched me
before you ever even touched me.

you were the one who
made everything feel light,
the mundane feel beautiful,
the ordinary feel extraordinary,
& the trivial feel profound.

you were the one who
did enough...more than...always.

you were the one who
made me see i can be
brave. vulnerable. and trusting.

you were the one who
taught me i could be
nothing less...nothing more
than me. who i am in the moment.

you were the only one
who encouraged me to
be everything i am, & to hide
nothing.

and you saw me.
you took me for what i
so unapologetically was (am).

you were the one
i felt most comfortable with.
most natural.
most easy.
most trustworthy.
most honest.
most authentic.
most everything.

you were the one
with which happiness came
so easy, so genuine.

you were also the only one
that had the power to take
it all away...

we were everything
i could have asked for
and everything more . . .

I bite my tongue
until it bleeds
with my heart.
My foot slowly
pressing harder on
the gas pedal.
Heart pounding. Racing.
Racing my thoughts.
I close my eyes.
Zero to sixty
in a forty-five.
I am blessed & cursed.
I feel too much
too deeply
too often.
Everything, I take
to heart.
You know, yet here I sit
aching replaying words you said
& words you never said.
Vivid images replay in my mind;
You watching me walk away
when I needed you the most..
Zero to sixty.
I wonder what pain
would you feel if I
were gone?
Desperately needing
to know how much I
really mean to you.
Zero to sixty.
This is wrong.
I try to strip the thoughts
from my mind.
Stuck in my head,
struggling to keep my head
above the waves again.
Show me..
Show me these
"what if's" don't have a
need for existence...

i really wish i knew what you feel when you look at me now.

To know you
and the depths
that you are afraid to show.
To unbutton your shirt
and make love to your soul.
And see you
for everything and all that you truly are
and love your heart even more,
despite your scars.

i'm sorry if i seem distant

i'm sorry if i seem different

i'm sorry if i seem like i don't have as much to say like i used to

i'm just trying to give you some space

some space from me, i suppose

if that's what you feel you need.

i kind of love it
when it all falls apart.
because then i know
it will only become
better than it ever was.

& i no longer daydream
about a life where
sadness is starring in
my own movie.

you no longer make me feel loveable..

i always knew i wanted to be with someone who would make me feel loveable even when i am at my absolute worst..my darkest..deepest, most vulnerable and real moments..

and i no longer feel that with you..

what's changed?

us.

and maybe we were perfect for each other, then..

but then we changed and now we're not?..

maybe you were who i needed...wanted...desired...

maybe  i was who you needed...wanted...desired...

but then we changed

and maybe now, the new you is not who i need...want...

maybe now, the new..temporary me is not who you need...want...crave...

i miss the days we used to talk
and laugh
and feel
and glance
and share
and care
and connect
and love...
those days seemed to shine
a little more brightly. . .
didn't they? . . .

Not being able
to love you
is exhausting.

i mirror you.
i wait for your every move
to predict mine.

i don't want to hold back anymore.
i can feel everything inside of me
changing for the better...

i want to love fearlessly.
loudly..
endlessly..
unconditionally..
surely..
passi­onately..
the way i do..

i will love without shame..

i don't want to
overthink every expression..
interpret every gesture..
analyze every word..
ruminate every action..

i no longer want to hold back & wait to see if the other person feels for me as intensely as i for them..

otherwise..
i would only be taking and depriving them of all of the love i have bottled up inside of me..
i would be waiting for a perfect time that will never come..
and they will walk away
thinking i never loved them at all.

i want to just say things..
just go for it..
no hesitation to express or allow myself to feel..

because what else is there, but love?
because how much time do we have until it all runs out?
and who can say they know...

nothing will change

nothing has ever felt this natural

i have never felt this happy

with anyone

i've never felt so safe to be me

you make me feel easy to love

like i can just be me & so can you

i want to do that for you

& you do that for me.

I noticed your pen ran out of ink mid-sentence,
you changed the color to teal.

I notice the sigh that softly huffs out from between your lips,
You smile anyways.

I notice the fiction within that smile,
It's broken but it will always remain beautiful.

I noticed your gaze casted away from me as you swallowed the lump in your throat,
I am sorry this is so frustrating & perpetual.

I notice your soul within the window of your eyes,
you're searching for something...anything to hold on to as you are being tossed around, about & beneath the surface of the seven seas.

everyone tells you to
leave..

everyone tells you to
walk away..

everyone tells you to
run..

so leave..

leave me behind
only to stay where you are..

i wasn't meant to be loveable
anyway..

watching as your car gets smaller as you drive away

it all goes blurry
as tears turn my eyes
into caleidescopes

you're the first and last thought of all my days

i'm not sure why i keep hoping you'll call me

or why i keep hoping one day you'd be standing there next to my car waiting with a hug & a kiss & an "i take it all back"...

i hope one day i'll get to be as lucky as the monarch that landed on your soft brown hair that day

or the freshly painted poles that stained your hand yellow

i would spend
all my pennies,
every shooting star,
every 11:11,
every dandelion,
all my birthday cake candle wishes
on you, darling

nothing makes a room feel emptier than wishing you were in it.
(or knowing you're not in it.)

i just want to be there
to hold you
to tell you it's all going to be alright
to kiss you in the rain
& be there through the dark & light.

i drive past your apartment
aching to just drop by,
stop to say hi,
bake a strawberry cake,
watch our favorite movies,
ask questions about life,
& kiss you in the dark until
the sun comes up.

pancakes for dinner
wouldn't be the same without you.

late night city drives wondering if you wish for these things too.

and all i do is spend
all my pennies,
every shooting star,
every 11:11,
every dandelion,
all my birthday cake candle wishes
on the hope that one day we'll do everything we said we would...

one day near, one day far

one day later, one day soon...

i haven't washed my hair for three days..

it isn't like me..

you've hated me for three months..

it isn't like you..

is this the new normal..the way i'm supposed to live..

live with all of the what if's and possibilities and how things could have gone differently..

i'm leaving soon and i will try to tell you..but you will say you "can't talk"..

i will be gone and will you be sad?..

will you remember my kindness..my mess..the beautiful parts of me as well as the ugly, deep, and dark...the way i was always so excited but too shy to show it sometimes...the way i was so sensitive and didn't know that that was my biggest strength...the way i was so protective over you because i never wanted to lose what we had..

the way you would make everyone laugh to distract them from noticing how hurt you really were...did anyone else see you the way i saw you?...the way you'd sigh, never knowing i could hear them...the way you'd walk to your car with your hands in your pockets, eyes never straying away from the sidewalk...lost in your spiraling messy mind-spaghetti-thoughts...the way you shivered when you told me you weren't cold just so you could be there for me when i needed you...the way you carried me to the car...i should have held you tighter...longer...pressed your lips against mine and told you how i really felt about you...maybe you would still be here if i had...

the way we would look at each other from across the room and know exactly what the other was feeling without a single word needing to be said...the way we'd pause between kisses..lips slightly parted..you were my oxygen..

will you feel the hole in your chest the way i will?..

will you feel my absence?..

will you see me when you look at the peach and periwinkle clouds..

will you see me when you see those tiny white flowers on the side of the road..

will you see me when you see white cars passing by on the road while you drive home after long exhausting work days..

will you see me when you hear "Slow Dance In A Parking Lot" playing in the background while you eat with your friends at Texas Roadhouse..

will you see me?..

will you see me the way i will see you..

will you?

will you . . .

i don't hate anything.

but i hate this.

i hate it when it consumes me and when i give it the power to take over my mind and break my own heart..

i hate when i can't pull myself out of drowning in it..

i hate it when i forget..

i hate it when i forget who i am and how strong and sensitive i am..

i hate it when i forget and hurt you instead of love you..

i hate that i think that telling you would have made you understand so you could help me when it pulls me under.. suffocating me.. suffocating you..

and every single time this happens..
all i think about is
e v e r y t h i n g . . .

memories of warmer skies

feeling distant with each breath i take..

the deep conversations we've held between your baby blue eyes and my wide chocolate ones..

the way neither of us have to say a word to know what the other was thinking or feeling..

the warmth of your skin accidentally grazing against mine..

asking if i would ever get to trace the tips of my fingers gently along the constellation of your scars, healing the hurt of your past as i go..

never fully realizing until after just how much damage i, myself am inflicting..

memorizing the sound of your voice because i feel as if i would never hear it again..

asking if i would ever feel the beating of your heart pounding out of your chest as we slowly bring our lips together..

studying the lines of your face because it feels like an impossibility to ever be so close to you again..

wondering if i will ever feel protected by you or if i will ever get to protect you, knowing it's impossible when i'm the one thing hurting you..

remembering the soft drifting snowflakes i gently brushed from your brow..

or the first time we embraced beneath the warm May spring rain..

replaying every thoughtful and adoring thing we've ever said..

the friendly smiles shared and laughs from goofy things only we'd understand..

wondering if i would ever feel brave enough to sign "i love you" from across the room to you..

always hoping but never fully believing that, each time, after what i do.. you would ever... ever want to see me again..

she called you
until she couldn't
stand it anymore.

you ignored her
until she no longer cared.

lowest of lows
you taught her
to live without you.
without your touch.
without your love.
without your hand to help her..

she remembered those
promises you made to her..
every one of them broken.
she remembered
the one where you'd
always be there to help her back up
when she felt she was falling..

she remembered
as a tear came
silently slipping
down her cheek.


you came back,
and you made love to her.

making her feel
momentarily
special.

repressing all the times
she needed you most,
when you left her
and chose everyone else
and yourself
over and over and over
again.

you were always the one she chose.
even after all she went through
just to be with you,
you can't tell her
you no longer want her.
as she blindly no longer knows what she's fighting for...

she never thought she'd have to try this hard
to earn someone's love...attention...affection...
that was once so freely and unconditionally given...


...you came back,
and you made love to her.

reassuring her you
would never leave her
the way she feared.

only to abandon her
once again.