i don't hate anything.

but i hate this.

i hate it when it consumes me and when i give it the power to take over my mind and break my own heart..

i hate when i can't pull myself out of drowning in it..

i hate it when i forget..

i hate it when i forget who i am and how strong and sensitive i am..

i hate it when i forget and hurt you instead of love you..

i hate that i think that telling you would have made you understand so you could help me when it pulls me under.. suffocating me.. suffocating you..

and every single time this happens..
all i think about is
e v e r y t h i n g . . .

memories of warmer skies

feeling distant with each breath i take..

the deep conversations we've held between your baby blue eyes and my wide chocolate ones..

the way neither of us have to say a word to know what the other was thinking or feeling..

the warmth of your skin accidentally grazing against mine..

asking if i would ever get to trace the tips of my fingers gently along the constellation of your scars, healing the hurt of your past as i go..

never fully realizing until after just how much damage i, myself am inflicting..

memorizing the sound of your voice because i feel as if i would never hear it again..

asking if i would ever feel the beating of your heart pounding out of your chest as we slowly bring our lips together..

studying the lines of your face because it feels like an impossibility to ever be so close to you again..

wondering if i will ever feel protected by you or if i will ever get to protect you, knowing it's impossible when i'm the one thing hurting you..

remembering the soft drifting snowflakes i gently brushed from your brow..

or the first time we embraced beneath the warm May spring rain..

replaying every thoughtful and adoring thing we've ever said..

the friendly smiles shared and laughs from goofy things only we'd understand..

wondering if i would ever feel brave enough to sign "i love you" from across the room to you..

always hoping but never fully believing that, each time, after what i do.. you would ever... ever want to see me again..

I step onto the cold glass...

under 100.

is something wrong with me?...

I feel okay

but the numbers keep dropping.

I used to wish
you would notice
when I'm sad.

Now I wish
when I notice you noticing
my sadness,
you would do something...
a n y t h i n g
about it.
say something...
a n y t h i n g
about it.

feeling feverish as i sit up in bed, bathed & with half-way-to-sleep eyes.

i just want to know that you're still mine, and i yours.

i've been writing for two hours now, i think!?...

my hair is drying a little too fast before i get the chance to blow-dry it.

it's 12:08 a.m. and i'm wondering if you got home safely.

i want to paint my nails your favorite color,

but i don't want to risk losing you.

magnificent - mundane

undeniable - grog & grain

how do you spell "gray"? with an 'a' or an 'e' before the 'y'?

the only ones who can ***** out our flame is us.

which brings both great relief but also IMMENSE fear.

simultaneity has been a close friend the past couple of years.

can we make this flame into a fire, one that can keep us warm through these cold, uncertain nights?

"i've never moved so quickly from feeling so sure to feeling so lost in such little time."

i wish it still felt like summertime.

"just keep being your sweet self", you whispered through the phone

i could hear the sleep in your voice & ache in your heart.

you still know me better than most, even if you don't know my favorite ice cream flavor.

i sit plainly,

staring...blankly.

clouds thick,

the stars are dim

but the ones in my eyes are never fading...

love, are you tired of waiting?

you once told me that i am worth everything...

though now you sit silent.

11:11

come back to me...
words, mind, heart, body, and soul
come back to me...

know that it is not your approval that i seek...

it is your reciprocity that i am
missing...

craving...

longing...

needing...

wanting...

­.

there's a house where the basement you almost drove us into used to be. the night you'd skip songs that were almost over. if i were one of them, would you let me play through the end?

night shadowy shades of grayish green, flashes of red across your face, a fist always close to your chin. always beautiful even when you shouldn't be.

the sound of you moving is enough to get me going. fabric on fabric like distant music only i can hear.

suddenly your face is everywhere and nowhere. in cars that look like yours but aren't. strangers now familiar features, head-turners and double-takers. it's always been you, even when it wasn't. even when i didn't know.

you are the softest color i have ever touched

your eyes a certain shade of nature at it's most overlooked finest.

my feelings for you are as pure as the snowflakes that drift slowly from the pale blue-gray sky that decorate your soft *****-blonde hair

i just see the beauty in every little thing that you do, no matter how trivial...the things that no one else seems to notice, not even you, sometimes.

the subtle movements of your eyes when you speak or the furrow of your brow while you're on the phone...the way calmness washes over your expression when i walk through the door or the way you take off your winter coat...the barely-there dimple that forms on your right cheek when you grin while petting my dog or the way your speech slows when you notice me tracing your name on your back...the faces you make while telling stories or how flushed you get when i tell you how much you mean to me...the way you tie your shoes like you did when you first learned how or the way you say goodbye when we're done talking on the phone...

only one month has passed us by, but i feel at peace knowing that there will be many, many more . . .

Lost connection.

No signal.

Bad reception.

Cut wires,
sparks flying & fizzling.

Cancelled wedding reception.

I scream into
the woods
for you.

All I hear is static.

Ocean waves thrashing.

Heart monitor crashing.

The moon is silent,
staring at me from
Earth's attic.

Awaiting a response.

Don't know what I expected
anymore...

Would you come for me?

Is there anything left of my heart
you adore?

I will always come back for more.

Just to see you wash up ashore...

I wasn't trying as hard as I should
For you..
Emotionless
I will try harder to be..
Expressionless
I will try harder to become..
Loveless
I will try my best to be what you want..
I wasn't trying as hard as I should be when I said it..
You never like it when I show how I feel..
You love it when I show you what I feel like..
I wasn't trying as hard as I know I should be
For you..

i was too busy trying to be sure that you loved me
that i didn't realize i wasn't loving you the way that i undeniably do.

"there's things i want to say to you, but i'll just let you live...
there's things i want to talk about, but better not to give...
but if you hold me without hurting me, you'll be the first who ever did..."

2 trips around the sun together

the song is happy
so why do i feel sad?

the song is hopeful and true..
so why do i feel scared?

fingers interlocked

legs intertwined

minds interconnected

hearts beating in sync

souls interlaced

in love with your light and darkness..

your beautiful, maddening mind..

you say we're not enemies

but why do i feel your deafening silence
and icy distance?

i don't know who i am in your eyes
i only know who i am..

i don't know what you feel when you see me..
is it everything?
is it nothing?
is it passion?
is it repulsion?

i no longer allow emotion to pass through my fingers

afraid that if i show any, you'll leave again..

so i pretend to be monotone..

thinking you'd like that more..

while inside i'm bursting with color and vibrant skies
that i once shared and wish i could once more and for good..

but i keep my distance..

i keep my guard up..

i'll be cool and collected

not emotional and expressive..

i will never let you see how much you leaving again scares me..

you still make me nervous
you still make me laugh,
you still make me smile uncontrollably
even hours after you've left

if the memories are all in gold
then why do i write about them in gray?
i think about how we lost our hold,
i think about it every day...

We don't mind it,
when it's winter.

You & I.

Because it gives us
one more excuse
to hold each other
closer.

i walk past you
with your puppy-dog eyes
following her

it's funny how you become
a total stranger
when she's around

does she even know
we still talk?

are we an item?
are we a figment?
a work of fiction or
a smear of pigment?

does she really know you? . . .
does she really see you? . . .

i walk past you again
& again & again
& i'm convinced
i must be translucent...

a phantasm
a mere spectating specter
a presence
a ghost...

even after all this time
you still pull
cheap moves
on the one that might
care about you the most.

~

you mirror me

you follow my every move

two magnets

two puzzle pieces we didn't know were missing

you match me

i write in all lowercase

and i watch how you slowly follow my unintentional lead

i cross my arms, you cross yours

i look to the left, and you follow my gaze . . .

it's only been summer for days

but it feels like eternity lying here with you

why is this just so easy with you?

what is this new space i have yet to explore?

where has this abundant place of possibility been?

why is this just so natural with you? . . .

~

dear j,

i dance when i'm vivacious,
and bake when i'm euphoric.
i read when i feel unwanted,
and belt when i'm mad or broken-hearted.

what's seprating us?
feels like universes apart now..
an external variable,
an internal conflict,
or something between us
that only we can pull ourselves out of.

"two adults, both knowing the risks, we give things a shot. hurting each other is the last thing we want to do...how about i take care of me, you take care of you, i try not to hurt you, you try not to hurt me. what else is there? relationships are scary. you don't get all of that goodness and possibility with zero risk."

i'm sure you don't want to hear it...

you and me against the world.

i've never wanted someone
before i saw you..

sorry to complicate things by saying so..

not sorry.

but before you, sure i "wanted" someone. but perhaps only what they brought to the table. what they would make me feel..
but i "needed" them more than i truly wanted them, if that makes sense?... i needed them to feel complete. to feel whole. to feel good about myself. to feel loved. to feel okay. to feel happy. to feel worthy..

everything shifted...
everything on the inside.

i saw you..
and all i've wanted to do
is take care of you.
make you feel seen..
make you feel heard..
make you feel understood..
make you feel cared for..
make you feel worthy..
make you feel adored..
make you feel intelligent..
make you feel capable..
make you feel comfortable..
make you feel inspired..
make you feel confident..
make you feel humble..
make you feel okay..
make you feel well..
make you feel warm..
make you feel motivated..
make you feel pure jubilance amidst darkness
make you feel perfect by being yourself..human..
make you feel encouraged..
make you feel safe..
make you feel wanted..
make you feel strong..
make you feel taken care of..
make you feel courageous..
make you feel loved.

i no longer feel like i need someone to make me feel these things to feel like myself, comfortable, or whole.
does everyone want those things?
of course.
do i deserve them?
the only difference now is that i expect it from the one who says they feel those things for me. and i shouldn't have to plead for it. no one should. it's one of the the most self-destructive & disrespectful things one can do to oneself.

i feel like something is missing..
like there is something more..
and i long for you to tell me
the real reason why you
no longer want me..us..

who is two-faced?
either? neither?

when you look at me...do you feel, anything?...

hate...i painfully assume.
resentment...unbearably.

love is a complicated word.
you hate saying it.
it is a powerful word.
you hate it.
perhaps it is the most abused & misused word.
perhaps i've said it too much?
perhaps because i feel it too much?
is that even possible?...
i see that i haven't loved before.
infatuated with the person...in love with the elated ideas of them that were nonexistent and never could be...
and that scares me.
yet i see that you are not perfect
and i love you even more for that...

i have always believed that you should always make sure the one's you love know that you love them.
any second could be one's last.
who can say?...

i walk the line between
strong vulnerable desire and exuberant shamelessness...

stuck between
walking away because you want me to and embracing you, pouring every ounce of love within myself into you and never running dry..

which do YOU
want me to do, j?...
not them...
which do you...

love,
d

i threw my alarm clock away this morning.

ambushed from the start.

left with scars i never asked for..

gifted trauma i never wanted..

my anger is my fault.

my pain is my fault.

guilt.

IT'S LOVE!

fallacy.

as if nothing anyone does is hurtful? . .

burns..

scars..

hurts..

worse..

but he couldn't talk me off that ledge..

if i asked you for help, would you . . .

or would you say nothing again . . .

you don't know the half of it,

won't you show you want to?

safety

they "protect" me but they hurt me..

shove me in that corner..

ashamed, i feel..

no one should have to admit.

what is the purpose behind the ache?

i'm looking, but it's never-ending . .

i stand

screaming

crying

waving my arms

jumping up and down . .

my s.o.s. . . .

can you hear me? . .

do you see me? . .

why do you turn the other way? . .

hoping maybe if you ignore me long enough, i'll just go away? . .

maybe soon, maybe far

who'll feel sorry when i do someday? . .

you knew
she would
never leave
you

so you
take her
for granted

and take
advantage
of her
forgiveness
and love
she feely
gives
as if
it was
never
going to
go away . .

the price that comes with loving him
is not my price to pay..
it should be free, no strings attached.
who's victim, villain, prey..
no more labels, no more catch
just love and life and love..
no more names and no more hurt
just memories and more love..
melodies and harmonies
unison, crescendos..
softness during dissonance:
laugh, dance, sing and yell..
the top of lungs
because we're all so loved..
it's all i want
it's all i can't have..
yet or never?
yet or never . .
everyone's at fault.
no more blame,
no more games.
no more shame,
a need to feel more sane..

i wrap my warmth around me

wait for the chill to bite my bones

i wonder if you would ever let me touch you again...

stomach roaring for food.

the clock struck 1 am.

pale-faced, memories of us fading.

fading...fading... f a d i n g...gone.

i deserve this..

i do not deserve this..

i wonder if you still remember the rain on our skin when we first embraced...

tiny dim golden lights hanging on a string, holidays are near and here.

i wonder if you wish you had never met me...

"it can be scary to change something significant in your life...but there is nothing scarier than staying in the same place when it is the opposite of beneficial. never don't try something new that you could be passionate and great at because you're afraid it will change what you're used to."

it will not be easy, but things that are worth it rarely are...

the lake will soon freeze over

will you let me fall through?...

You think you know me.

You think you know exactly how I feel when I'm hurting.

You think you know what I go through every day.

You think you understand the trauma I have to live with.

But how little you know...

sometimes madness
looks like
jubilance

sometimes sadness
looks like
happiness

sometimes hurt
looks like
anger

sometimes light
looks like
darkness

sometimes resentment
looks like
hate

sometimes love
looks like
limitations

sometimes trauma
looks like
protection

sometimes messiness
looks like
control

sometimes change
looks like
oblivion

sometimes deep
looks like
shallow

sometimes purity
looks like
naivety

sometimes silence
looks like
ignorance

sometimes shame
looks like
guilt

sometimes courage
looks like
rebellion

sometimes strength
looks like
pride

sometimes heartbreak
looks like
carelessness

sometimes boredom
looks like
restlessness

sometimes curiosity
looks like
adventurous

sometimes fear
looks like
insecurity

sometimes grief
looks like
stubbornness

sometimes gain
looks like
loss

sometimes loneliness
looks like
lust

sometimes misunderstanding
looks like
ill-intention

sometimes sensitivity
looks like
weakness

sometimes vulnerability
looks like
delicacy

sometimes a beginning
looks like
an ending.

My skin has been breaking out lately.
I blame my bad skin on my diet
My diet on my stress and my stress
On you. YOU ARE HERE and you aren’t here.

You who brush your hair when it is still
Wet, it used to look better, healthier
Before you turned twenty-one. Getting warmer…
There you were, unbothered, stump jumper.

And you never drove me around
Because you said your car was messy—
Eight months and you never did clean it.
PUSH FOR HELP, button-mashed, bleeding finger.

I am uncertain about everything
I was certain about. YOU WERE HERE.
Electromagnetism…and I never
really knew what you mean, but I wanted to.

Not a bite to eat.
limbs cold & trembling
at the peak of summer.
I just want a place to rest my head.
Spinning,
fading in & out.
The life around me
closing in...
Heavy breathing
& traffic lights
blurry.
Vivid flashing reds.
Blinding shimmering greens.
Brilliant blinking yellows.
Thoughts,
unwelcomed guests.
Overstaying their welcome
as if they were even invited
to begin with.
It never goes as I expect.
I thought I would feel
safe.
But I only felt like someone else.
I withdrew...
I had my heart ready,
in my hands to be placed
into yours once again.
I can no longer ignore
when it tells me they are the
wrong hands...
I placed it carefully
back into it's cage
& kept it safe from you..

9
13-9-19-19
25-15-21

i dreamt i was protected
by an angel

a dark angel
who loved me

was i actually protected?
was i truly loved?

the soft yet crisp snow
beneath my boots,
cooling the earth's surface.

the violet, black, and indigo night sky
glowing with scattered
twinkling stars
like confetti.

muted, hazy gray clouds
stretched across the sky
in strips
like the arora borealis.

i can see my breath
when i exhale,
the warmth
proof i am still here...
if i am still here
i'm still supposed to be.

the moon shining so bright,
the brisk winter sky,
the endless woods,
my endless night
is calling me home...
it's calling me home . . .

"I'm sorry.."

It's okay..
I should have done
something sooner.

--You are perfect.
I am not
--You are perfect to me.
     Now go home and get some rest, because you are more than
     deserving of it.
I will try my best...
--And that is more than enough.
     Because when you do,
     It’s already lightyears ahead
     Of everyone else.

i want you to hold onto it for me

the day before

i will tell you what you meant to me

still mean to me

you may get pulled aside or distracted by another

i will say your name to bring you back

but i will leave before you get to see the tear fall from my cheek

the stairs will guide me to the edge of the woods..

you think i'm only sad..

what if feel is far more deep..

that will be the last time i will see you

it will be the last time you will see me

still warm

cheeks flushed with the color of life

oxygen being breathed through my lungs

the fading light within my milk chocolate-colored eyes

dimmed from the hurt that no one wanted to help me from

i'm sorry in advance, for staring so much..

i will study the lines of your face one last time

i will listen for the warm, always-familiar tenor of your voice..

i will follow the trail with no footprints

i will go away, i promise you..

snow drifting

red nose

rosy cheeks

numb fingertips and toes

soon to be pale

purple

and

gray

i will remember you

and when you were sitting here next to me..

warm..

heartbeat increases, "i'm scared.." i said to you..

heartbeat  s l o w s . .

heartbeat stops.

i told you
i told you.

so it wasn't like it was a surprise
it shouldn't have been a surprise.

a few words could make you run
were you always on the run?

i told you i was fine
are we ever really fine?

but i don't want to enter the new year without you
i don't want to without you . . .

You cannot expect me to
learn
something just by you telling
me what is so.

I need to
live
in order to
learn.

You have experienced things
& you expect me to learn from your mistakes.

I'm afraid I have to make
my own mistakes
In order to learn from
my own mistakes.

I cannot and should not be
prevented
or
"saved"
from my own decisions.

This is not a
rebellion.

This is not a
protest.

This is not an
opportunity for
disobedience.

This is me trying.

This is me transitioning.

This is me   t r y i n g
to grow.

This is me   t r y i n g
to be independent
(don't you want me to be?).

This is me   t r y i n g
to live my intended life.

This is me   t r y i n g
to learn.

Mental health took a dive into the deep end and I don't know how to swim.