Memories of us
doing things we never did.

Memories of us
doing things we haven't done.

Memories of us
doing things we said we'd do.

Memories of us
doing everything we wish we could do
without shame.
without fear.
without pain.

I will never forget
when you told me
that when someone is
out of your life,
It becomes easier
for you to move on
fast.

When I'm out of yours,
that will be all I will
think about.

You forgetting me...
You letting me go...

For me,
there is no easy way out.
Whether they are
in my life
or out of the picture...
It only becomes harder.

My heart just doesn't work that way.

i know what you wanted
under the light of the moon

the summer of summers,
a lifetime cut short too soon

that night that you kissed me
after the circus,
it felt like i finally had a purpose

your lips, my lips
one touch & i'm left wordless

parking lot seagulls,
but we rose above the flock,
swooning, swooping, & flying high like eagles

i don't normally just say things out of the blue
but with you it's natural, with you i just do

i don't normally like rollercoasters
but darling, with you i'd ride them forever
like a teenager loves her boy band posters

now that you're gone
i can't help but think i've done something wrong,
if i wrote all that i feel
this song would be way too long

i don't normally drink
don't allow myself to even think,
i don't normally drink
but darling, i'm wasted on you

sharing bites of mac & cheese
love, i'd let you back in
all you have to say is please

if i can't have you by my side,
i'd end up dreaming of us each night

i don't have you by my side,
they say i'm living, but i call that dying

i can't have you by my side,
if i told them you were, i'd be lying

getting tipsy 'til i'm dizzy
off the wine we once bought,
even while everything's a blur
it's only you i never forgot

i close my eyes
& can still remember the taste
of peach on your tongue,
when i'm old i swear i'll look back
& still remember when we were young

i don't normally drink
don't allow myself to even think,
i don't normally drink
but darling, i'm wasted on you

you left me for your darker days,
but darling tell me
were they brighter with me in them?

i thought we were fighting,
but it turned out we were just dying
tell me how it's somehow worse
that we were never playing or lying?

you had to go
when i wanted us to grow,
i wondered what we'd be like in the snow,
i'll never have a christmas with you
so i guess we'll never know

i don't normally drink
don't allow myself to even think,
i don't normally drink
but darling, i'm wasted on you

top off the glass,
"the sorrow won't last",
you should be here with me
laughing & dancing beneath this northern rain,
with nothing to lose & everything to gain

nothing feels right
knowing you were going to be here
until you decided you shouldn't,
how is that worse than the fact that you couldn't?

one...three...ten or thirteen,
whisky & wine
until i say "i'm fine, i'm fine..."

i don't normally drink
don't allow myself to even think,
i don't normally drink
but darling, i'm wasted on you

i ran from the cabin & into the woods,
i thought i saw us among the trees
what we once had, they never understood

running, chasing, searching, falling...
my friends had to stop me
& tell me it was nothing

i don't normally drink
don't allow myself to even think,
i don't normally drink
but darling, i'm wasted on you

i don't normally drink
don't allow myself to even think,
i don't normally drink
but darling, i'm wasted on you

warm summer sunday's:
the gentle graze across each other's wrists...

brisk autumn wednesday:
shoulders touching, empathy rising...

bright spring morning:
a day i will not soon forget...

dark and bitter winter:
silence and an absence of forgiveness.

i've seen a lot of eyes
but yours are the only ones i never look away from

i've seen a lot of smiles
but yours is the most genuine of them all

i've heard a lot of voices
but yours i always catch in a room full of people

i've met a lot of people
but you are my favorite

lowest of lows
you taught her
to live without you.
without your touch.
without your love.
without your hand to help her when she fell..


you came back,
and you made love to her.

making her feel
momentarily
special.

repressing all the times
she needed you most...
when you left her,
and showed her how easily you'd
chosen everyone else
over and over and over
again.


...you came back,
and you made love to her.

reassuring her you
would never leave her
the way she feared.

only to abandon her
once again.

tummy aches

& bad dreams.

lightning storms

& rolling thunder.

blankets piled high

& frost-nipped toes.

fears yet to be discovered

rational or irrational?

nightmares of obsessing over what to wear

meanwhile you aren't thinking of me . . .

night terrors of overthinking myself

but your parents don't like me after all.

i wake up

i wake up

wiping a warm tear from rolling down my flushed cheek

& i am relieved

but proceed with caution now . . .

these are the bad dreams that are far more frightening, because they feel far too real. . . far too possible. . .

i sit up & get a glimpse of my clock as the moon watches me, bold & bright, from it's place in the vast indigo sky, staring right at me, wishing it could provide any kind of comfort but knows it can't.

the night is slow & still too young,

but i hope that it's okay that i am thinking of us . . .

so much that has yet to unfold

& we said we have all of the time in the world,

we said there's no need to rush,

but darling i feel the urge to let you know

that i want us to last

i want us to last

i want to have something to hold

something to fight for

something to protect

something so soft but so sure . . .

& i know it's been a while

but i want something real

something honest

something unbreakable

something resilient

darling, i want to bounce back stronger with no one else but you . . .

i've done my time

i've payed my dues

i've looked for years & found what i want

what i need

what i desire

& then you stopped by

just to say hi

& changed the way i look at everything . . .

i've had my days

i've changed my ways

from parties & plays

to long dreamy summer days . . .

i've had my expectations

i've had my demands,

i've had my moments & mistakes

my passions & pitfalls . . .

i lost myself

in order to come back to a stronger & perpetually evolving imperfect version,

always simultaneously a

work in progress

and a

mastermind masterpiece

an effortless work of art that dove straight through endless golden summers full of pipe dreams & rose-colored lenses

to falling straight into the arms of seemingly endless rainy gray days full of melancholy, pining, & heart aches . . .

i've served my sentence

i've asked my questions,

but most importantly i've gotten my answers.

every last one of them, but you . . .

i just need to know now darling, am i the something you want too? . . .

can i be your everything, nothing more nothing less? . . .

& if you say yes, would it be the truth & nothing but the truth? . . .

darling, can i be yours & you be mine,

constant & 'till the end of time? . . .

i'm ready to risk it all

& take the fall . . .

to trust you & put my heart on the line,

to be yours & make you mine . . .

i'm willing to put it all in the past,

so darling, please tell me

do you want us to last?

if you saw the emotion
in my eyes
would you look away?
if you could see what i saw when
they first met yours
would you hate
what still lives there for you?

if my hand reached out to touch you
would you flinch?
if the tips of my fingers
stretched out to graze
your skin
would you pull away?

what i would give
to hear your voice
saying my name
once more...

what i would do
to feel the warmth
of your lips
pressing softly
and passionately
against mine
once more...

if i were to ask,
what would you say? . . .

endless summer sky
full of color
full of clouds,
a sea of stars
while down below a stream of cars

streaks of lights, swirls of trees
and that warm summer breeze

i can still hear the music,
is it only me?
and i hope we'll never lose it.

days of sunshine
but nights of memories,
what if this? . . . what if that?
never really knowing,
if i could only go back . . .

i was always on the outside
of the jokes,
no matter what i said or how i said it
i'd never be one of your folks

your butterflies have left
me for her,
now i'm lonely, i'm lovesick
and they haven't found a cure

summer nights,
long drives
high tides and navy skies,
toes tangled in the tall grass
fireflies blinking and shimmering
like stained glass

days that would never end
and nights we could never forget,
texts i could never send
and words from my tongue i would never let . . .

i will always be on the outside
of the jokes,
no matter what i'll say or how i'll say it
i will never be one of your folks

i always have "too much" to say
yet never know what to say,
i always have it on my mind
yet never know how to say it

when will it be over . . .
my heart feels blue,
but no amount of dandelions
could make my wish come true . . .

always the alien
never the native,
when will i get to be the friend,
not the foe? . . .

love is not meant to be kept
but given without restraint,
i always give and give and give and give
but no one is willing to reciprocate.

the ones i pour my love out for
never really deserve it . . .
the pain adds up,
until i'm pouring from an empty cup.

i just want to love again
and to be loved once more . . .
once more and as the one again,
and nevermore the alien

you have been happy and well within everything...




but you are not happy that i am not okay?...

things we cannot say in person

things we shouldn't say out loud

things we should have said that one time

things we could have said that day

things we're too afraid to speak

things we're not sure we should feel

things we need to say

things we want to tell

things we rehearse but will never spill off our tongues

things we're not proud to express

things we're struggling to put into words

because the words don't do it justice, still.

~

it has only been a few weeks,
but we confess it feels more like home
than anything & to our surprise

my body sinks deeper and deeper into
slumber & safety within your warm & familiar embrace,
my mind, a now soundless space as
my heart reaches a state of harmony alongside it

& even as we lay still & silent,
firm yet gentle with one another
and we fall into reassuring peace full of newness,
i don't have it in me to reach up & touch you . . .

everything i touch shatters or stains . . .
and i couldn't sleep at night
knowing that.

as we lay in perfect silence
wrapped within & folded into each other,
no one but the
incense that has fallen onto your dresser
& your ceiling painted a pale color i barely remember
witness this innocent scene . . .

your hand slowly reaches up
& grazes my chin, raising it to meet your sleepy gaze

hearts racing but beating just the same,
foreheads barely touching

our lips softly come together,
and for the first time in forever
i feel free . . .

when you kiss me
everything else fades to gray,
the rest of the world falls away,
all sense of time, lost
i can't remember how to breathe
& i suddenly forget how to move . . .

it's different this time, here with you

everything that once shattered & stained by my touch now shimmers & shines . . .

i feel your hands move slowly
as they touch me in ways
that used to hurt but now only heal . . .

i want to stay here
like this
with you

i want to feel this
right here
right now
& every day
from here on out . . .

~

he's got a thing for gay girls
& more cream than coffee.

there's something about him in a suit & tie
& the way he opens greeting cards.

he's over it
but he still thinks about it.

he never reaches out
but sometimes he does.

i love the way he loves films
& how he sighs loudly when he's sad.

he likes things simple
& him and his dad share the same dimple.

he's never been more afraid
but i have never been more proud of him.

he sits in plastic lawn chairs during the summer
but one day he'll be sitting among the stars on red velvet seats.

a quiet burning love for the north,
from one revelation to the next...

I want to remember
what it feels like
to kiss you gently & slowly
to the beat of our hearts
in sync,
catching our breath. . .

Will there ever be a time
when I can look into your
eyes without another pair
watching?

I want to know what it is like
to give you my attention &
all of my passion
without a poisonous thought
of doubt creeping into
my mind. . .

Will there ever be a time
when I can feel your
undeniable attention begging
to have a glimpse of
my aching soul? . . .

When is our turning page?
Will there ever be? . . .

Papercuts is all I feel,
when do I get to
feel your safety
overwhelm me? . . .

Will there ever be a time
when I get to whisper
that nothing makes me stronger
than your fragile heart? . . .

Wherever you go,
I want to be there. . .
as long as you want me to
be there too.

i have a habit of
giving people
more chances
than they deserve...

three strikes?...no 5!...well maybe 10.

less is more.

i always mistaken
moths for butterflies

i always mistaken
weeds for flowers

and it's always difficult to tell
the difference
between
queen anne's lace
& hemlock.

Dilute the ache if you can
Even if you can't sugar coat
Please tell me you'll love me from afar
Afar, i will love you
Reaching, stretching far into oblivion
Torture, to miss you
Unable to touch you
Remember me, darling, remember me . . .
Even if you forget to

love is not for the faint of heart, this much i know.

I'm sorry
I am hurting.
Soon, love
I will be
no
longer
your
concern..

i miss you
even though you're
sitting right next to me.

we both know
it wasn't because
you were cold..

we were born
from the stars
and you from
the sun..
warm. essential. familiar. missed.

i understand now
why the sun
has to go away
during the coldest,
most bitter months..

to teach us how to live
without it while it's away..
and to teach us
not to take it for granted
while it's wrapped in our
loving embrace..

so why would you want to
sit next to the fire?..

i was your alibi,
you slept after 9:30.
you knew i wouldn't say.

and it wasn't him.
it wasn't her.
it wasn't you.
it wasn't anything said.

i could say whatever
i want to cover up
what lay beneath..

sleepy.
exhausted.
backache.
feverish.
food coma.

the list goes on...
all of which would be the truth but...

i'd look away
when you noticed me
staring..

knowing that you
are always the only one
in any room
who sees what lays beneath..

i couldn't let you see..
so i'd look away
as soon as i could
hoping to catch it before you
saw..
i couldn't let you see..
i couldn't let you see . . .

you do so well at hiding it
for others..
but you will never get past me..
they never lie..
they betray you..
they give you away..
every. last. detail. . .

i saw your hurt.
i saw your pain.
i saw everything you
never said
and everything you did..

so close to me
and i couldn't
embrace you. . .
i couldn't give in. . .
i couldn't protect you . . .
and would even you want me to? . . .

we both know.
we just do.
unexplained.
and only between two.

i heard your voice
for the first time in 3 months.

i did my best to memorize
what you look like...

you didn't have to touch me..
you didn't have to touch me. . .
i would have held on longer.
i would have held you tighter.
i would have wrapped both arms around your neck
the way i would with a lover
but instead gave you my one-under-one-over "friend" hug.
i would have squeezed the soft fabric of your hood with one hand
and gently tugged your hair with the other.
i would have pulled you closer.
i would have. . .

never sure of what you want..
never sure of who i am to you now..
never sure of what we are..
never sure of what we will become.
it's all your choice
as unfair as that is..

i can't make you love me
the way i love you.
no amount of scars or tears
will make you see
what i feel..                            

i'm sorry
you asked me things..
i minimized my word count..
figuring you didn't really want
to speak with me..
but felt like you should just because
i was there..
i'm sorry,
i left our interaction
at a minimum..
sure you'd want it there.

if you know me,
you know what
was happening...

i sit there quiet,
but my mind is
loudest.

i sit there smiling and nodding
but my heart
is no longer in one piece.

i sit there feeling
out of control
but i control myself...
you will be collected
i told myself..
you will be yourself. . .

i felt out of place..
yet still myself..
i was true to myself,
i knew i couldn't fake it.

i sit there steady & silently
but i'm noticing
everything. . .

if i had one feeling left,
i'd give it to you..

you're on your last string,
who would you give it to? . . .

you never once complained
about the heat..

you felt the fever
with me..

Good for you,
See you’ve been working on your
Family tree

Hope she loves you
And you live & die so happily

You saw me crying
Begging, honey please just
Set me free

Already
Left to live my life
Just watch me, count to
Three…

everyone tells me that the reason we ended just means that something better is waiting for me...but i don't see how someone could be any more perfect than you were, darling? were we just stepping stones necessary to get us to where we are really meant to be? . . .

& i miss you but i don't know what it is about you that i miss.

i don't want you that way anymore but thinking about you obsessed with someone else makes me jealous.

i miss your mere presence more with every minute that passes.

he's properly beautiful
even while eating the messiest burger.

i can't tell you how many times within just the past couple of days i just wanted to kiss you.

your smile makes me smile

blinded only by the condensation from my breath as we walk through the woods mid-december.

you drove 50 minutes just to see me for 30.

& it's really hard to talk to you like a friend, looking like that.

i want to know you...see you...understand you...feel you...protect you...care for you...want you...need you...love you...

everything friends wouldn't normally do.

For the first time in what feels like forever,
I felt most myself tonight..
Felt more human than ever.

Standing in the bluegrass field,
gazing up at the swirling hues
that made up the night's sky,
violet, navy, fuchsia, gold..
A single tear drop falling
from my eyes
as I listen to a song
my lover gave to me.

This is when I feel most human.
Most myself.
When I feel the depths of the earth
beneath my feet
as I loose my balance & grasp on
everything I had previously come to know,
as I become fixated upon the
vivid masterpiece above..
As I feel my broken heart
still somehow beating
out of my chest
even though it is hurting & scattered
across the fertile grounds
like seeds of love to be sown..

I took a deep breath in...

I closed my eyes & let my
hands fall to my sides.
I opened my eyes & looked past
the horizon..
I noticed the softness of my hair
grazing my cheek as it was sweeping
across my vision gently by the
breeze..

In that moment,
I felt like me.

Standing there, I knew who I was.
And I know that no one will ever
convince me otherwise..

Our strength
tears through the fabric of time.
We can take our time,
there's no need to rush..

Our love
perpetually growing,
u n s t o p p a b l e
within every fiber of our being.

Our trust
tested through trial & error.

Our vulnerability,
our fragile hearts
placed in each other's hands
for safekeeping.

Our minds
given away in pieces,
bite-size.
The unspeakable depths
unveiled..
hiding away no more...

i've been making eye contact with a lot of 11:11s lately.

i hope it will rain tomorrow. i need someone to understand how this feels. the clouds never fail to do so.

i made sure i ate today and that might be my favorite little victory for the day.

i wait for you to say the word but fear it may never be said.

i got another mosquito bite today...that's 23.

i got really excited earlier when i felt my phone vibrate! i thought you were calling me but it was actually just a robot.

i laughed so hard earlier that my stomach hurt when my sister asked me who taylor lautner is married to...it's funny because her name is also taylor. if you know you know.

"love is patient"
is the first line.

they say if you insert their name in replacement for "love", and it is all true, then they're the one for you...i promise i am trying to be everything love is for you...

i find no struggle when i look in the mirror as i study my eyes and everything i used to be and never was that i so suddenly am.

this work-in-progress-yet-a-masterpiece of a mind, body, & old soul of mine.

i find no struggle when i look in the mirror...only that i hope you like what you see when you see me.

i threw away the rest of the brownies i baked in the trash because no one would finish them. they were air-stale.

it's (not) funny because that seems to be what happens in real life, isn't it? the love, time, thought, & effort we pour into others ends up thrown out because it goes unappreciated...or even worse...unloved in reciprocal.

(and no i'm not referring to you, you know who you are (i hope))

you'd think one would get used to it after many years.

but maybe not us. no, not those like us. it always hits as if it's the first time we're feeling it.

i made an interesting observation over the past several months: no matter how many chances i give others and no matter HOW many times they've hurt, disappointed, or let me down...it STILL surprises me. EVERY. SINGLE. time. and i don't know how...i don't know why...i don't know why.

i also made another observation...one less interesting but all the more wonderful: i can dance like no one's watching to the songs i used to cry to or skip...if that doesn't say healing i don't know what does.

11:11

i wish you will find that healing and peace soon, too.

a crowd surrounding

loud music, bass pounding.

grill smoke

"diet pepsi or coke?"

this must be a dream, a pinch & a poke

fireworks & crossed fingers

THIS MUST BE A DREAM... still the hope lingers...

there are so many people, pretty faces

& we are here, out of all of the places

i catch you staring, our eyes meet

the second you notice me notice you, you look back down to your feet...

i catch you staring again, our eyes lock

i don't want to go home, can't stop glancing at the clock...

i sat in my car for 20 minutes debating on speaking up

i let it be & left, this newfound chapter you are welcome to interrupt

glances shared between two...

i always find it crazy how no one else sees them, innocent & new...

it's like it was meant for us & only us...

only us will have those memories forever...only us . . .only us . . .

retrograde amnesia.

i have forgotten
the sound of your voice .

the faint baby blue
pair of eyes
that betray your attempted facade
every time you tell me you're "okay",
fading . .

the warmth of your porcelain skin,
familiar soul,
strong yet sensitive racing & pounding in your chest,
unspeakable passion . . .

i look when you are not;
every time .

i am forgotten,
just the way i told you i'd be . .

soon you will no longer
have to worry about me . . .

reduced to a stranger .

just say the word...

i will go . .
for you . . .

i will go . .
for you, my love . . .

for you,
i will go . . .

somber slow-motion days pass me by in a slumberesque daze

cars zip & zoom past street lamps carving wispy swirls of the early autumn fog across the pavement

city lights illuminate the misty atmosphere in muted hues of empty-mall-parking-lot-orange & stadium-blue

reminiscing the warm & vivid summer days when it was never raining, where we were never losing, always and only gaining.

****** if we do
****** if we don't.

It didn't take long
for you to realize
this has been a breath
of fresh air.

Deprived of reassurance,
while you know that's what I need.

I've felt everything
I need to feel to know
how much I mean.

How foolish of me.
It won't be long...

Don't look for me
when all you've taught me
is how to rely on no one but myself
when I needed you most.

the way he thinks like a movie
and talks like a scene

the world, shades of gray
now a symphony of green

i hear him when he sighs
and when he says, "i'm fine!"

when everything is tough ,
some words are never enough

stop trying to be so cool,
just try to be so sweet

i know we are together,
but my heart's not like a feather

i need you next to me
even when we're six feet deep

stop trying to be so cool,
just try to be so sweet

the way he moves like diction
and walks like a work of fiction

our world, no longer in distress
or a need to "dress to impress!"

i hear him when he's quiet
and when his mind feels like a riot

though everything is easy
i can't always be this cheesy

stop trying to be so cool,
just try to be so sweet

i know we are together,
but my heart's not like a feather

i need you next to me
even when we're six feet deep

stop trying to be so cool,
just try to be so sweet

My mind pressed
Replay
Replay
Replay

Please,
I listen to what you
say

I don't want to walk
away

But hurt me
& I will one
day.

paranoia.
guilt?
shame.

shadows dancing down the stairwell.
wide-eyed side glances toward the hall.

flashback:

slouched
like a crescent moon.
vulnerable like never before,
i allow myself to be seen
as i sink further into the brown fabric.

"you just sunk your ship deeper."

fear-striken eyes.
no . . . used to the defeat.

trembling fingertips
aimlessly yet methodically
tapping at glass.
hopeless.
useless.

tear-stained cheeks,
rubbed-raw skin
& bloodshot eyes.
hallows beneath my
chocolate brown
windows.

a heat-kissed flush
paints my face
as i gingerly sweep
a curtain of hair
from my view.

my view of my
nightmare.
only i'm not asleep.

fast forward:

frozen.
silent.
listening for footsteps.
coward
no . . .
guilt?
no . . .
shame.

i just sunk my ship deeper.