the moon nowhere to be found

the wind ripped through the streets.

i went for a walk,

it turned into a run to keep warm.

it cleared my head,

but not my heart.

even sad, i liked me better when i was

with you.

summers before you
were golden, hazy, & bright
but it's been a while since i've
felt this light

bright red popsicle-stained lips
& day trips to
lakes i had yet to discover.

my sister's nail polish
was chipped like the paint
on our picnic table that day.

autumns before you
were vivid, earthy, & sensational
but this year, this time
i know will feel nothing less than
liberational.

everything matters
& doesn't all at once

memories of past-life pastimes
& recollections of never-regretted fast times.

when i sat at picnic tables
behind the mall
without you

and picked the last of the
dandelions
wishing for a love
of the same kind as mine.

documented silence
& micro expressions observed

i would always wonder
why we try so hard for people
who don't try for us at all?...

i would always ask others,
"which is worse...grieving the loss
of someone that has passed
or grieving the loss of someone
that is still alive?..."

i could never quite shake
the notion,
nor could i deny that
someone still walking and talking
& living and loving another
is somehow far worse...

i would always think to myself,
how odd is it to be haunted
by someone that is still alive...

the number of days i spent
dancing with your ghost
is enough to bring me to shame...
if you only looked...
i was crazy for you.

but now i think sometimes,
don't miss me, you chose this...

fast-forward...

summers now
full of fruitful rain
& absence of intangible pain

i am no longer a 'maybe'
i am now a solid 'yes'...

i deserve nothing less,
at my best and when i'm a mess...

"i want to do this with you..."
and
"i want to go here with you..."
is a language of love
that is new & yet so natural to me.

i told you my phone password
as if it was the key to my heart...
i did it so willingly, so trusting
& without a moment's hesitation.

we drive home with the windows down
in your black truck,
and sing a rex orange county song
at the top of our lungs
with the music so loud
we can barely hear ourselves...

it's 11:48 pm
& even though i've spent
the entire day with you
i can never have enough...

after a day in the garden
you take me home
& kiss me soft,
"i can still taste the tequila
on your breath"
you told me and & i could feel
you smiling...

from bittersweet to only sweet smiles,
so big & so radiant
they leave soft little lines
at the corners of your
eyes & mouth

i sit beside you
& struggle to not say
"i love you"
as i wonder what we will
be like when our knuckles
are as white as the snow
beneath the car tires

will i get to be as lucky as
the snowflakes that gently
fall & rest upon your soft
brown brows?...

yes...
i think this time.

the good times come & go in waves
most of the time
but darling with you,
it only comes & the water's calm.

i told you i miss the mountains,
as you sit patiently beside me
& squeeze my hand.

clouds for mountains
& never-ending summer days
just like this...

here & there,
anywhere & everywhere
with you

i forget what sadness
feels like when
you're near

we fell into each other
in july
& i wish on every 11:11
with my eyes shut tight
& fingers crossed
that we fall in love
in october

we have no timeline
no to-do list
no panic-cramming

just nothing but time
& you and i
and that's all we need...

so we'll take things slow,
dance in your kitchen
with the lights dim & low

clouds for mountains
& never-ending summer days
just like this...

here & there,
anywhere & everywhere
with you

when all of the old
still feels b r a n d    n e w . . .

<3

i'm convinced the weather changes with feelings, not the other way around.

my screen lights up
with your notification
as i drink my cereal milk

i don't even stop myself
& wait
or play it cool
i just answer it

i look him in the eyes
and tell him we're done for
& platonic is the new us...

because love, you and i
it's you and i
forever & we're setting the
world on fire with what we've got

as the whole crowd sings, screams, & swoons
all the little lights twinkle & twirl
as we sway to the way we feel...

and all at once everything feels
real & surreal
authentic & mock
true & false
beautiful & tragic
hopeful & helpless
optimistic & pessimistic
simultaneously...

my beltloops were made
for your thumbs to rest in,
pull me in closer,
& hold my hips tight.

there's been a lot of war
in my head lately
but with you, love
it turns into peace.

i never used to
just pick up the phone
i never used to
sing in front of others
i never used to
let someone see me cry
i never used to
trust this easily & never this soon...

but with you,
i just answer the phone, love...
with you
i just do. . .

i used to pick every wild daisy & dandelion off the sidewalk & wish for nothing but you, but now i pass them by.
if i were to make a wish now, i think i would wish for someone to pinch me, so i could wake up from this nightmare where i am no longer yours & you are no longer mine...
this nightmare that plays over & over & over...
your car as it gets smaller as you drive away...