pour gas on the light
fuel the fury, arrow aflame
to stop me in my tracks

but i have learned to be faster

you never knock, just fling
the door wide open

memorized your footfall
as if i were hiding some grotesque secret

no secret, just emotions
hiding, from you

have to cover my ears
to block the shame
from funneling in

i wouldn't wish you upon anyone.

proposed with an unwashed glove,
i said yes every time.

we'd do it again & again...
just for fun, or maybe more.

said if you were the king
then that would make me your queen--

always have been.
i believed you.

i wish that we could do it again,
a little rain never hurt anybody.

i prefer the lights dim, because that way i can't see the details on my skin...my dark circles, the little red spots speckled & scattered across my cheeks like a sky full of stars.

i'm going to miss her.

i will be fast asleep while she's high in the sky, on her way to paradise.

she will be worrying about us

she will be out at sea, in the middle of the north atlantic while i am counting the hours until she returns home.

"goodnight, mom"

i say to her one last time.

i love her

& i hope she knows that.

there's this technique
us overthinkers (don't) like to use,
and it's called
assuming the worst.

nothing will truly
be able to fully put
my mind at ease
until then.

it's a coin flip:
heads or tails?
it's as simple and
complicated as that.

i don't know if i'm
getting you back tomorrow
or losing you forever.

and there's nothing more
terrifying than
not knowing until then.

so until then,
i'll assume the worst.
brace myself...only to
not know how to handle
it when (if) it does occur.

i will know by this time tomorrow...
and that's somehow scarier.

what not to say to an overthinker:
1) "can we meet up and talk?"
and especially not...
2) "i'd rather talk sooner than later"

i look up at just the right time:
11:11.

if there's anything these past
few months have taught me,
it's that even when you
are expecting an ending,
no matter how long it's arrival
has been awaited...it still
never makes it any easier
when it finally arrives.

If you knew the hurt
my heart knows,
maybe you would
think twice before...

gave me one white flower
the night i needed a reminder
kind humans still exist...

when will everyone
i love stop hurting me?...

i'm the only one who
knows me.

i will let you will be the one
to have the first word..

even though i know you
aren't coming home..

Intensions
to grow with you,
alongside you.

Intensions
to celebrate the highs
& stay during the lowest of the lows.

Intensions
to know you, see you, & still love you
despite what may be desirable or not.

Intensions
to love your mind & heart before your body.

Intensions
to see your flaws, mistakes, fears, & insecurities
and love them just the same.

Intensions
not to hurt you
but help you heal
or even hurt with you.

Intensions
to explore every corner of the earth with you,
discovering & trying new things.

Intensions
to take care of you,
protect you from all of the merciless hurt of the world
to the best of my ability.

Intensions
to remain honest, faithful, & trustworthy with you
from the beginning to the end.

Intensions
to hold your hand tighter when things get challenging, testing, demanding, overwhelming.

Intensions
to see the good in others, in the world, in everything, in life, & in each other.

Intensions
to lift you up in your successes & victories, big or small.

Intensions
to share moments of laughter, passion, spontaneity, intimacy, empathy, & compassion with you.

&

Promises
that will never be made to be broken.

Time that will never change how I feel.

Oceans to deserts, I cried until I couldn't.

i never want you to be afraid
to tell me things you'd normally be afraid to tell others.
i want you to feel like you can tell me anything & everything
& know that it won't ever scare me away.
because now there is nothing you could say that will undo the way i see you.

i want to see the real you.
i want to see every side of you,
the good, the bad
the ugly, the beautiful
the quiet, the obnoxious
the stubborn, the compassionate
the scared, the brave
who you are with your family,
who you are with your friends,
who you are with strangers,
who you are when you're all alone,
& everything that makes you, you...

all of your
insecurities
flaws
imperfections
mistakes
faults
shortcoming­s

these are not things that make you less loveable,
nor will they make me like you less
or be something i see but dismiss, judge, ignore, deny, & look over or past...
but rather through...

i will look at your fragile heart
that you have trusted me to have & hold within my hands,
i will peer into the deepest & darkest
corners of your complex mind
& i will see all of these
insecurities
flaws
imperfections
mistakes
faults
shortcomin­gs
but i promise you i will love them
& i will love you more because of them...

they make up part of who you are
& if i can't acknowledge and love them
then i don't deserve to love you...

they show me that you are human
& so perfectly imperfect,
& a fine glimpse of humanity
in its purest form...

you said that
you would try

but i knew
they were lies

when i said
that i would die
and all i did was cry

Everything made me realize,
I wanted you to empathize

but what i really needed
was for us to say goodbyes

we always said
it was black & white.

that it's funny it seems like
siblings are only ever either
angry & malicious towards one another
or authentic, goofy, obnoxious, & happy.

but i think we're seeing new colors here...
some shades of gray...
some blues...

we're learning that there's more to this,
that we feel something deeper,
more valuable, more tangible...

we hugged twice today.
that doesn't normally happen.

i made you hot cocoa today.
you went for a walk with me.
there was something i've been wanting to say.
& you just listened.

i noticed the warmth in the room
when it used to always be cold.

& the best part is,
you noticed it too.

we had what you only see in the cinema

we had a film kind of love

we had the depth of a play & the soul of a musical

we had the heart of an adventure & spirit of a christmas movie

we had the laughs of a comedy & aches of a drama

we had the possibility of a mystery & excitement of an action

we had the magic of a romance & the wonder of a memoir

we had what you can only seen on the silver screen

we had what you can only read in the scripts

we had what can only be found between well-loved pages, flipped through dozens of times

we were the silent films & black and whites

we were the technicolor revolution

and even though i wish we could have been a happily ever after instead of a coming-of-age, i'll always rewatch it from beginning to end

i always thought this kind of feeling was only in the cinema, but i know now that is is real . . .

summer of sprinklers & sparklers

empty, sullen, somber autumn air

dark gray is the only color left

as the sky weeps like our loved ones

who question why...why...why did they have to go?...

when i can't sleep at night i still ask myself the same thing.

it isn't exactly comfortable enough to dream here in this 3 x 7 oak box.

this isn't how i want to remember us.

the yellow rose was a fallacy...the roses left at our grave are wilting & oozing black tears...

no one has visited in a while or changed out the water let alone leave new flowers

only brown leaves swirl in circles, dancing across the damp earth, intertwined with the mist & fog from the bog

i wish i could at least dance with your ghost but you haven't come out, not once.

i roam the grounds alone, staring up at the stars wondering if i could have spared us this grim ending...

and this isn't how i want to remember us.

my tears nurture this soil, making baby's breath bloom everywhere they fall beneath my bare frostbitten toes.

even though our fire dimmed to death these bones still ache for it's warmth

i swear i was going to love you...and i could swear you did too...

it was an open casket, you lied there with your eyes closed but darling i was still looking at you...searching for a sign of reversal...

did you see the look of shock & dismay on their faces at our wake?...or how many tears were shed at our burial?

no one saw this coming, not even us...not even you.

that may be the worst part.

i may have been a poet but not even i could have rewritten our narrative,
no amount of adjectives or metaphors could have resurrected our story.

but this is not how i want to remember us.

our headstone remains unwritten as they move your body to the countryside...my cheeks sink in & limbs all decay

and though we're long gone, they can still see me with a shovel at 11:11 when the moon illuminates the earth...weeping with the sky... still trying to resurrect what we used to be . . .

Whether it's through
words
gestures
glances
or
touch
we just can't get
close enough.

Nothing is worse than not being able to
love who you love.

What can we bring to the table if we don't even have a table?

you said good morning
& smiled that butterfly-inducing smile
knowing you would break my heart
just hours later...

you approached my car that night
knowing you would break my heart
just minutes later...

you embraced me into your big arms
& squeezed tightly
even though you knew you'd let me go
just moments from then...

you stood there with a sad glaze in your eyes,
an agenda & dressed in your best funeral suit...
skinny jeans & a denim jacket, i can still see it...

did you know all along that you would eventually
not want me?
don't say i didn't warn you...

you made a fool out of me as i stood there in front of you,
heart full of hope, eyes full of light & hands holding
a birthday cake i baked just for you...
but little did i know it wouldn't be eaten
at a birthday party, but rather for my funeral

you walked me around the mall
christmas lights & the stars twinkling
all around us like magic...
i was such a fool to think you'd choose me...
i kept my right hand unoccupied & fallen to my side
in case you wanted to hold it again...
but you never did...hands in your pocket
& handing me back the photo of us in the little golden locket...

i know you didn't want to, i know you didn't mean
for your words to take the light right out of my eyes
but you took my heart out of my chest, showed it to me
& crushed it in front of everyone walking past us in a blur...
it fell to the ground & the shattered pieces scattered across the cobblestone pavement beneath your winter boots

i fell to the ground with tears
turning my brown eyes into kaleidoscopes of despair...
the world spun as i struggled to find the words to get you to
stay stay stay . . .

instead to trying at all, all i could say was "that's okay..."
but you knew it wasn't...you knew it wasn't.
you knew i wanted us to work but you couldn't just leave the
knife in, you had to twist it too...

i told you i was so happy with you...but all you could say was, "i'm sorry i have to be the one to take that happiness away"...but i hoped you'd one day return it to me only to realize it was always mine to have but never mine to keep...

i watched as you got back into your car
with your cake in your hands
dressed in your best funeral suit,
smiling as i told you "i'll be okay"

i sat & watched as your car got smaller in the distance
as you drove home like you just ran an errand...

skinny jeans & a denim jacket,
i can still see it...
i can still hear it...
i can still feel it . . .

eyes wide open
but they're gently shut

vermillion eyelids
and the smell of warm...

dusty dirt-caked hoola-hoops
and birthday barbecue hotdogs,
lines of black and smoke-saturated hair

10-year-olds on roller blades, bicycles, and scooters, dropping f-bombs and kicking pebbles.

suburb golf carts
and splintery playground woodchips
waft through the leafless pencil-like trees

daydreams of sun-naps on the sidewalk,
when we would watch the shadows of ants march across the cracks with driveway-chalk hands...

saying "no no no" with a warning tone
as she tries to lick year-old sticky ice cream stains from the pavement

that new house smell
somehow being better than you remember it

summer's grand re-opening

and we're all here,
then, now, and waiting.

i walk beside him
but i wish it was you

i want to streach out my hand
reach for you
but it's your hand i want
not his

he plays taylor swift
as we drive
but all the songs
only remind me of you

once sweet
now bittersweet
hoping everything
every moment with me
is not bitter to you

in every movie

in every sunset

in every sad love song

in every drive home

in every warm & rainy may sunday evening

every snowflake

every amber fallen leaf

i crave that glimpse of us
your baby blue gingerly meeting mine
and your warm fingers interlaced with mine
as we walked to our picnic bench

the things i avoid
are the only things i have
to catch that glimpse of us

tell me it's not
the only thing that i'll ever have
that's closest to having you

tell me there'll be a day
when you'll love me
the way i love you
only harder than we ever have

the tears i dry
seconds before i walk into work

you said forever
and start with forever
you said you'd propose . . .
one day we'd be one . . .

if this isn't over
why do i still cry when i write

hesitantly indulging
in your favorite songs
just for my fix of us

skyline deep violets
bright golds
vibrant oranges
flush pinks

stars peeking
lights igniting
the evening life

sitting at our picnic bench
knowing you're not here with me
holding back tears.
"i'm with you" vance joy.
people drive by
as i long for any of them to be you . . .
just come sit with me . . .
be with me . . .
be next to me . . .
darling, i used to be


awaiting the day
this could be real,
just like you longed,
just like i dreamed,
just like we hoped

awaiting the day
i no longer need
this glimpse of us
to feel the warmth of us . . .

"a
b
c
d
e
f
g
h
i
love you still
and you know i always will"

I want to know
all of the parts
you don't dare show
anyone else

I want to love
all of the little pieces
everyone else finds
annoying

I want to see
every side of you
the good, the bad, the ugly
everything...

I want to touch
your heart in a way
no one else has ever
touched it
and take your breath away
just by looking in your
direction or by my arm gently
grazing yours when we stand
side-by-side

I want to hear
your sigh at the end
of a long day
and remind you that
you are enough
you are okay
you are known
you are loved
you are seen
you are felt
you are heard

You hate how
your words still
haunt & hurt my heart
everyday,

but you said them
anyway.

Did you think I would
never find out
you really felt that way?

yesterday was two years ago.

you told me the only difference you saw was that my hair was longer.

you saw parts of me, blacker than the ink in the well.

i saw you. faced you. lungs aflame with vibrations of anger.

stood, bags packed, one palm on the glass door, one extended to keep you at arms length.

and i still loved you.

more than i loved myself.

You don't motivate me
to be(come) someone I am not.

You don't motivate me
to represent something I am not.

You don't motivate me
to be less myself.
~~~~~
You motivate me
to be(come) better.
To be the best version of myself
that I could possibly be.
You motivate me
to be an authentic human being.
To be true to myself.
~~~~~
With you,
I am more myself.
With you,
I am more.

sliver of a silver moon
seeps itself through a crack

heavy curtains falling like
stars & long hair

over my bare shoulders

light of the night
flooding the bedroom

the color of nocturn.

thick scent of blood & rain
colliding earth & wilting lilies

11:59 aglow
etched into retinas
high in its corner
it is my sun
& my daughter

cooing owl turns drag racing
midnight shotguns

turning the other cheek
rolling over like an old trick

billy idol sings lullabies
while tears pool in my ears

trying to remember what day
it will be

what once clothed me in
milky warmth & softness
tosses me

my bed rocks
as if i were at sea

everything is blue

i miss when vertigo was in my lap
lacing its fingers into mine
as i ran a cold hand through its dark hair
and i would never mind

i could shut my eyes
i could leave them open

the visions whirl vivid still

it feels like something we've waited an eternity to finally be able to do but also like we've been doing this forever...

i can't believe you're mine & i'm yours.

luck is to know you.

lucky is to be next to you.

this is a different kind of happiness...

i just want you. i just want this. nothing else. nothing less. always more (of you of this of us).

i just want to experience everything with you...

i want to do anything with you, even if it's nothing. because it would never be nothing.

"you & i . . . we're alive . . ."

is it too soon to know that every second i want to be spent with you by my side? . . .

I toss & turn.

At an hour nobody else's eyes are open,
my bed shakes me awake
& I sit up gasping for air, sick, heart-aching.
The thin speckled sheets are ripped off from on top of me.

The pale walls rattle
but there is no train or earthquake.

The Christmas lights flicker off & on
while bulbs burst,
glass dispersing everywhere.

The window flies open
allowing the rain to come pouring in, flooding.
The wind blowing the pale blue curtains about.

I think I am being haunted
by the ghost of you
and you aren't even gone yet.

My stomach turns
as I replay a conversation
not yet to be had.

Let me go...
Let me let you go...

I don't want to be friends.

I want to have all of you.

I want to see you from across the room
& feel safe & loved
knowing I'm yours only.

I want to  k n o w  all of you.

I want to  s e e  all of you.

I want to  l o v e  all of you.

I don't want to be friends.

If the me that existed a few months ago went through what I'm going through tonight, she would be broken & collapsed on my floor without a single word, thought, feeling, or action that belonged to her, but to everyone else who knew what was good for her.
The difference now is I only feel stronger facing my deepest & darkest & most vulnerable fears despite being the only one fighting for myself.
I only feel stronger.
I only feel s t r o n g e r . . .

every time i look at that striped sweater i think of us.
standing in the middle of that crowd in the pale blue lights,
sore throats & your thumbs in my belt loops.

we were going to rise above the rest,
rise above the rest who tried & tried but landed
sooner than they hoped
& fly with the eagles...

i had all my cutest outfits
picked out, hung up, lined up
waiting for you

but now i wear them alone
as i sit at our favorite coffee shop
where we first talked.

i should be there with you,
laughing at all the funny faces
your niece makes when she eats pizza

i should be there with your hand
intertwined with mine under the table,
as we sing happy birthday to your mom
as she blows out her wishes.

you should be here in the car with me
as we sing tennessee whiskey off-key
with the windows rolled all the way down,
taking in the last of the summer air

the wind doesn't know how lucky it is
that it gets to run wild through your soft brown hair
the way my fingers used to.

i'm not always
good at words.

but i know
you are good
at reading my eyes.

so don't stop looking,
because you're the only one
who ever really does.

a gut-wrench. stomach tumbling like an olympic gymnast. butterflies (not the good kind). feeling the wind being squeezed out of my lungs by hurt like a go-gurt tube in a toddler's merciless grip. the sweet taste of cinnamon coffee cake turns sour in my mouth like month-old freshly churned butter. speechless (not the good kind). my eyes become kaleidoscopes. i knead the ball of socks in my hands that i was in the middle of putting away. "hello?" he said on the other end of the line. but i cannot move. i cannot speak. i cannot breathe. i can only feel. feel the panic. the way it moves...creeps and seeps into every crack and crevice of my bones, blood-filled veins from limb to limb. the panic that i may not be enough. i can only think. think too much. think too much. think too much.

i wish i could
tell you
i remember that
bright summer day
i forgot my sunglasses
that we walked out together
& you told me
it's been a while since you had
seen me ...
that warm wide smile
& that long-sleeved white shirt ...
i remember it &
i wish i could
tell you ...
i remember thinking of you
for the first time,
i remember feeling surprised
you had thought of me at all.
i remember thinking you were sweet ...
i remember it &
i wish i could
tell you . . .

I took a walk this evening
barefoot.
Just in socks actually.
my peachy pink ones that only
go up to my ankle.

I took a walk this evening
in just my socks,
just to feel something different.
i felt a little more human.
a little less A.I.
and a little cold on the soles of my feet.

i wonder if there'll be a day when
i can go places and not be
looking over my shoulder to see
if my mom is following me.
watching me.
smothering me.
protecting me.
controlling me.
i know she means well.
but she's doing it all wrong.
but apparently, i have to be a mother
in order to be able to spot bad parenting.

i look up at the vast blackness
and see a star
trillions of miles away.
i wonder if it's even a star at all.
it could be a planet.
mars or venus i suppose.

i wonder what it must be like
to be a bright burning mass
far...far away from here...
where people could only look at you
from a distance
and see the beauty that you are...
sparkling...twinkling...brilliant...light...
up close we aren't as beautiful.
maybe only to the ones who don't love us
for who we really are.

as i walk home, i walk along the lines
along the sidewalk cement.
i stretch my arms outwards
on both sides of my body
and make-believe i'm an acrobat
dozens of feet in the air...

i hate falling.
it either hurts or just makes me overthink what the pain will feel like once the fall is complete.
i look up.
i look up at that vast twinkling darkness . . .
i am no longer falling,
i am  f l y i n g . . .

secondhand high

vicarious emotions

secondary euphoria

suppressed longings

prolonged potential priority

dulling delight

increased heartbeat

pleasurable palpitations

butterflies flitter & tickle my tummy

i quiver, a subtle shiver

increased respiration

imitation crab

foul aftertaste, rubber, fallacy, fooled.

the real deal

i long for

"i only want what's right in front of me"

pretentious playmates

camouflage lightning bug signals

flicker, flash

morse code.

survival mode.

bioluminescence life-making

instinctive matchmaking

burning the matches down to the fingertips

"just to feel something, anything"

yearning, aching . . .

married like the geese, we are

"desperate times call for desperate measures"

or

"love is blind"

they say.

selective hearing...

but i loved him with my eyes wide open.

and i'll pull you along
until there's no need
as we run with whimsy along
the unbounded lakes

i will be right there
from sunrise to sunset
& all of the suns in between

our summer captured in seconds
until september ends,
we'll replay it until the curtain closes

a summer felt
in toes buried deep in the hot sand,
in cinnamon roll icing on the tips of our tongues,
in the tall grass that makes our legs itch,
& in the sting from a day spent too long beneath the sun

i'll hold your hand
as we drive through those trees
with the same sultry breeze
running wild through your sandy hair

a summer
through a camera lens,
where the glances are noticed only by
you & me

the graze of your fingertips
turn me wild, maddened with deepened
desire and fondness
as the road widens & winds

a summer
painted in blinding golds & puffy pinks,
far away from all the cities & dreams.
"this is one of our own," you'll say, as we build our house of hopes

the frogs & crickets
are no match for our harmony
& the unpicked flowers should be jealous
of the ones i will place behind your ear

a summer of
flushed cheeks & breathlessness,
fireflies in gentle palms,
& dandelion seeds scattered across your river

leaves with veins,
something so fragile-perceived
can grow through crack or concrete

i will move closer
& hold onto you tightly
even if we're in a sea of strangers

a summer of firsts
and exploration
and experiences

a summer of rain,
fireworks on your birthday
and sitting through lightning storms with you because you want me to

a summer of doting
and "finally"'s
and running

only this time,
not away from something
but towards  e v e r y t h i n g . . . . .

i showed you the garden,
it had been too long.

i see you in everything,
fires, scars, stars, flowers.

you loved the morning glory,
you'd never seen anything like it before.

i miss laughing with you.

that feel of the both of us being on one side. .

i miss you telling me things.

anything & everything. .
the not-so-"little" things & the significant things. .
the victories & the darkness. .

i miss you walking by.

that strong eye contact & undeniable soul connection in that fleeting moment. .

didn't we have it? . . . . .

where did we go? . .

was it when you left? . .

or was it while i was next to you? . .

did you even want me to hold your hand? . .

was it okay that i rested my cheek upon your shoulder? . .

did you like that i clung tightly onto your arm? . .

i was afraid of losing you . .

but now i feel i'm living the future in the present,
and it is the most painful thing thus far . .