mutually assured destruction

loved sensitivity

embraced & accepted.

no apologies,

only for the wrong
for the right reasons.

october, since.

when will he be well? . . .

will my absence be the cure?...

my distance the anecdote...

("no one can..."
"only i can")

for now i only b r e a t h e . . .

simplify, life.

live. preoccupy.

be myself.
(by myself.)

i will be a stranger for you...
i will make you see
that i am strong enough.

christmas, i think of you.

new year, no you...

when will i wake from this comatose

scale 3

"i love you" in ASL
but you never notice...

words diminish truth. actuality.
leading to our very own fatality...

words, a bleak & silent mid-winter for now. . .

reduced.

anterograde amnesia.

...how i long for a different state
of consciousness...

if i felt fervent fondness, would you? . . .

no...i tell myself.

i preoccupy.

terrified of the outcome...
what is supposed to come of this?
i ask but receive only hate.

"*******...easy."
"you're right. i am good at walking away."

"i'm not going anywhere as long as you still want me here..."
i reach out into the dark but i can't find your hand there...

ghosts disguised as words
haunt me
waking
or
sleeping.

years will pass.
you will return to wellness.
i won't say a word.
i will listen to every word
that falls from the lips
i've longed to press softly
against mine...
only to hear
that they're saying that
they do not want my love after all...

will i want the comatose?. . .

yes...i tell myself.

if i will not have you, i will not have anyone.

i preoccupy;

puffy sleepy brown eyes read millions of pages, beige.
billions of words, carefully chosen.
my feet worn yet hungry for many trails unexplored.
paint strokes left out to dry in the warmth of the summer sun...

you are the reason
i sometimes write two dots instead of three..

i have forgotten the sound of your voice...
but still i remember your caramel hair.

i squeezed your hand tightly
as our lips remained
ever so slightly parted...
sleepy eyes closed..
those flushed cheeks...
i'd give everything to feel warm against mine
once more...

do you remember it the way i do?. . .

will you remember me? . . .

i sit patiently
impatiently.

the attic is dusty,

i have been dusting
year after year.

i will make room for you.

i will love you so hard..

or i will withhold it,
lest you look through the windows
you will know...
but will you feel it?
will you want to feel it?

surviving.
thriving.
surviving.

i hear your sighs...
one look into those
heathered baby blue eyes &
you never have to say a word...

some day,
i will fall out of
this siesta.

bright-eyed,
a euphoric covering yet sadness simultaneously lives beneath.
heated flush yet bones bitten with chill within.

right person, wrong time.

a day
not soon
i lie to myself...

take your time
but hurry . . .
and wake me
from this comatose sleep. . .

it gave me something to write about,
not the first thing i would have chosen...

i fear we made a mistake,
but even moreso that we didn't...

you say i'm not the only one,
my eyebrows raise.
but you reassure me,
"we may happen we may not"
what am i to say?
sitting in my car with you here
on the tenth of may . . .

you say i will catch up soon,
love, you don't really know me
but you know i'm a sleuth.
i figure things out quick
and always on my own,
my heart may be sore
but let's save all the war . . .

you say i'm not the only one,
my eyebrows raise.
but you reassure me,
"we may happen we may not"
what am i to say?
sitting in my car with you here
on the tenth of may . . .

darling she looks like your next
heartache
but honey i can be your next
heart break

you say i'm not the only one,
my eyebrows raise.
but you reassure me,
"we may happen we may not"
what am i to say?
sitting in my car with you here
on the tenth of may . . .

"i don't want you getting jealous"
his green eyes say,
but now i find myself already
waiting in the lot
just to see who you're talking to, babe

[my heart may be grown
but it's also half-sewn . . .]

you say i'm not the only one,
my eyebrows raise.
but you reassure me,
"we may happen we may not"
what am i to say?
sitting in my car with you here
on the tenth of may . . .

it's probably nothing,
but you've poisoned the grass
now the wishes can't grow.
i don't mean to be crass
but i wish you wouldn't go.
I don’t want to be the shiny thing you just pass,
I want to be the one you make last . . .

you say i'm not the only one,
my eyebrows raise.
but you reassure me,
"we may happen we may not"
what am i to say?
sitting here in my car with you
on the tenth of may . . .

what am i to say?
sitting here in my car with you
on the tenth of may . . .

what am i to say?
sitting here in my car with you
on the tenth of may . . .

our world caved
& has never been the same.

how many times until
they've learned their subjective lesson?
the night passes slower
when the heart is aching.

that moment's fog of not knowing
what was real & what was a dream...
then knowing & wishing, praying
what was real was a dream.

she said she wanted to
take it but they all told her
she couldn't.

she tried & tried anyway
until the torches & chains
swung away

i lay on the ground
pinned down & never
going out without a fight.

end scene.

start scene,
you are my getaway car
as we set for the cinema,
crowds of strangers & familiar
faces alike.

i never thought we'd be here
but we are & i've never been
more afraid & glad,
with you it's all the same
with you it's all the same...

the monsters came out
& the lines started forming,
you left when i thought you
were waiting for me.

did you know i wasn't right behind you?...

i walked out of the big red doors
& scanned the lot with fear-studded
eyes into the shimmering damp night,

the rain always allows
everything to be reflected
through it's remnants across the earth.

i called & called
& called & called...
i didn't know where
you had gone.
gone... was you...

the prison guards came,
they pulled up only this time
without the chains & reigns
but with smiles & greetings of relief.

i rode away with them
until i realized you were coming back
for me, so i lied.

i lied
& i had them take me back to that
crowded empty cinema our bodies
once occupied.

we felt small, 2 in a sea of hundreds.
the curtains called but not as much as
i did.

i waited in line again
& twirled my fingers
as i sat on the velvet cushion
comparing my beauty with the rest of
the nameless faces.

i don't know how i knew,
i just did
& there you were.

no frame & chairs full of glass,
you apologized over & over
& i told you i was just happy
you came back.

we drove off into the night
& you made sure i knew
your lips were meant to
touch mine,

now & until the very end
of time...

feeling no regret when you hurt me..

"hurting you is the last thing i ever want to do..."

you leave me with ease..

"if i ever found out i hurt you, i would hate myself forever..."

you hurt me with pleasure..

why would i ever hear you say you're sorry..

feeling no remorse..

do you like it?

does it feel good, knowing?

maybe if you saw the look on my face..

the surprise in my eyes..

the deafening silence and quiet gasp that escapes from my lips..

the tears that fall from my cheeks..

as i cup my hand over my mouth..suppress the sound..no one knows how deep you cut me..

the blood-pink flush that colors my cheeks

every time you make me your villain..

make me your villain...

you will never make me your lover...

Hours, how many more hours longer until the butterflies cooped
                  within this hollow stomach of mine tell me you're near?
Umbrella terms for emotions that cannot be expressed with words.
God, only God knows if we will meet for the first time all over again...

take me back to when the days
burned like fire

take me back to when the skies
were much brighter

take me back to when
i've never felt lighter

take me back to when our hopes
couldn't get any higher

i was proud to be yours,
i was proud to be yours

like we were the only ones
in a crowd in new york

you were the open door,
the only one i had eyes for

i was proud to be yours,
i was proud to be yours

take us back to when
i wore your initial on a necklace

take us back to when
we dreamt a little reckless

take us back to when
we'd have dessert instead of breakfast

take us back to when
we made everyone around us jealous

i was proud to be yours,
i was proud to be yours

like we were the only ones
in a crowd in new york

you were the open door,
the only one i had eyes for

i was proud to be yours,
i was proud to be yours

how long will it take
until these feelings have come & gone?

or will you come back to say you were wrong?

how long will i wait
until i see your love is foregone?

you know i'd wait from dusk until dawn

i was proud to be yours,
i was proud to be yours

like we were the only ones
in a crowd in new york

you were the open door,
the only one i had eyes for

i was proud to be yours,
i was proud to be yours

i don't want you to get hurt...
but i also don't have the strength to be apart from you...

i don't want to get hurt...
but i also know that there will never exist so intimate a bond without a bit pain...

the floor tasted like gravel
gritty, cold, & harmful.
the room spun like delicate
threads of sugar as i sat up
slowly. my head pounded
harder than a baker's fist
coming down on a stiff ball
of dough. my eyes showed me
visions of vibrant colors that swirled
and zig-zagged unnaturally
as i rubbed them too hard.
the dark is much darker than
i remember it being. i reach out
into shadow for you only to find
nothing. the butterflies have
escaped, but i wasn't the one who
let them out. you always held the key,
and i always let you rip my organs out.
your ***** fingers dig into my chest,
and pry my rib cage open.
my bones all break, never bend
i still don't know what i did to
deserve a pain seeming without end.

you used to smile to your eyes
i used to always wonder why
you frowned the day you bought me peaches

i thought we'd have a lot more time
i thought you were forever mine
i wish we could have seen those beaches

but i know you're lost
you're scared your gain will be less than the cost,
but i'll still be here until the first frost...

nose deep in scars
you left behind
like cars in an airport parking lot

while i stare at stars
you feel so far
in your little haunted house

tucked away
we fade to gray
but i know
you're happy & safe

tucked away
among the trees
the grass
& an autumn breeze . . .

i always imagined your new home
painted beige, big porch to hug the bones,
little pond & big brown stepping stones

perhaps a swing
she'll get to grow up in
fastened beneath a great oak tree,
grass stains & scrapes on her knee

among the fields
the bugs, wild flowers
bonfires & talks for hours

but i know you're gone
you're there, you're new beyond compare
to say "hello" would i ever dare?...

nose deep in scars
you left behind
like cars in an airport parking lot

while i stare at stars
you feel so far
in your little haunted house

tucked away
we fade to gray
but i know
you're happy & safe

tucked away
among the trees
the grass
& an autumn breeze . . .

i move in, settle in the attic
among the dust, the fuzz
& faded photographs

how else would i know
you spritz your cologne
12 times before leaving
the house?

& that your favorite meal
is dinner? or that you wish
your room was bigger?

but i know you'll fall,
i'll roam these halls
i'll haunt your walls
& wish that you would call...

through the woods
through the weeds,
planting clues
while you're planting seeds

i know you're busy
but i'm getting dizzy
from being your ghost
'thought i'd get to love you
the most...

nose deep in scars
you left behind
like cars in an airport parking lot

while i stare at stars
you feel so far
in your little haunted house

tucked away
we fade to gray
but i know
you're happy & safe

tucked away
among the trees
the grass
& an autumn breeze . . .

friendliness
loneliness
i'll be the ghost
in your haunted house

friendliness
loneliness
i'll be the ghost
in your haunted house

you still make me laugh
as you tell jokes at the dinner table
& you still make me sad
when you cry in the dark,
i'd wipe your tears f'i was able

i watch you go, watch you return
just to leave again

i watch you grow, watch you stumble
& hold her hand
when the thunder rumbles

you fog & fumble
it's jogged & jumbled
i watch as your brand-new
castle crumble

nose deep in scars
you left behind
like cars in an airport parking lot

while i stare at stars
you feel so far
in your little haunted house

tucked away
we fade to gray
but i know
you're happy & safe

tucked away
among the trees
the grass
& an autumn breeze . . .

friendliness
loneliness
i'll be the ghost
in your haunted house

friendliness
loneliness
i'm still the ghost
in your haunted house...

i bite the skin hanging off of my thumb with ladybugs in my hair.

last year, my mom made a wreathe of green and pink hydrangeas that she grew on the side of the house. they're dried up now.

i promise i'll make up for all the years i was supposed to be kissing you instead of them.

my eyes glaze over with euphoria from knowing i will soon douse my whole self in childhood.

ten years ago my father's day gift to my father was moving 2,429 miles away...

the sea turned into lakes, and lost it's salt and starfish.

i sigh heavily as i weave through the cars, another seven hours ahead of myself, and hold my breath as i walk through his cloud of cigarette smoke as he says, "you just coming in?"...

california hasn't forgotten about me...it waits patiently for me knowing i would always return
|
return to it's dusty air and beige dry grass, shriveled in my palms after i picked them out from the cracked ant-infested dirt as i sat "criss-cross-applesauce".

it waits patiently...i wait impatiently...

the mountains watched over me through every black-top-scraped knee and monterey sticky-fingered ice cream cone.

the seals slept soundly on the sun-heated rock beneath the obnoxious seagulls, unbothered by the tide-splash.

SEQUOIA NATIONAL PARK
|
KINGS CANYON
|
DINKY CREEK
|
YOSEMITE

the redwoods and i are related by blood, but they never believe me when i tell them. i can scream it until i am black and blue.

my hair looks like night in the evening, chocolate in the day, and becomes fire in the sun.

dopamine limbs, serotonin mind, and oxytocin heart.

i was never impressed by blue eyes until mine met yours.

eye-contact is a language in and of itself. but few are fluent.

i arrive at you fully made up and exactly how i want to be...
|
wisp and bisk rub off onto your clothes and skin as you love me whole.
|
i leave as more myself, seen raw and authentically bashful.
and to my surprise, i leave feeling more beautiful than before...

this morning i had to look up the definition of "LONELY" because i forgot what it meant.

(a week later) this morning i remember what being lonely feels like.

medical supplies is becoming my unfortunate attributed aesthetic, i fear.

i have never been particularly athletic but i would swim across all fifty seas for you if you needed me.

walking with purpose but mindlessly, all others only blurs i didn't bother to distinguish, daydreaming of your black shirt scrunched into my fist-

i notice she was asking me a question ! begged to know what smelled of indulgence and unidentified nostalgia...
|
: vanilla, salted caramel, saigon cinnamon, heavy cream, sandalwood, orgeat, ice cream shop.
|
she told me it fits me perfectly...sweet but subtle...niche but noticed.

eleven minutes left and feeling very corporate as i look out the third-floor window. neighboring building's & office windows.

the sky was cobalt but my skin was pale.

and you don't say much in reciprocal anymore...are you tired, my love?...

i cried when you told me you loved me.

much-anticipated days of strawberry milk mustaches, laughing until our stomachs ache, and sun-slapped cheeks.

eye watery, pigeon-toed in ***** shoes on the pale checkered floor. she's a summer baby.

i tell him i have known him for four years now, in asl from across the market (in my head, over and over and over again)

i only half listen as she tells a story of a woman who was obsessed with saffron-colored fabric. the other woman argued that the thread wasn't saffron, but red. in which she then stood corrected as the other explained how the water turns orange when the thread was dipped into it.

i miss her and her purple hair. i only pay her a visit when my bangs poke my eyes every morning before i curl them.

a box of chapbooks sat upon his desk touching a ripped manila envelope full of printing press letters.
|
"S"

between debates about jam v. jelly and strawberry v. grape jam/jelly, we dance as friends and friends only this time..

i recall, last summer tasted of cookies too-sweet, but this time it'll be just right.

our star beams & casts shadows onto your sheets. your eyes ablaze and your hair afire. i won't kiss you gently when you look that beautiful.

they told me they'd teach me how to swim, then left me drowning in their pretentiousness.

you held me down but i was set free . . .
|
you're more gentle than i thought you were.
|
it actually hurts thinking of you kissing someone else.

"she used to wear that shirt a lot." my mother told me. she deserved a life full of joy.

BRUISE COUNT: 15

BRUISE ORIGINS: WORK, WORK, WORK, WORK, WORK, WORK, WORK, WORK, WORK, SLEEPING, SLEEPING, ??, ??, ??, ??

_ _ _ _    _ _ _ _ COUNT: 5

_ _ _ _    _ _ _ _ COUNT ORIGINS: LOVE

they don't know the valley the way i do. but i hope they will.

i take up as much space as i possibly can to feel more comfortable.
i only end up feeling more vulnerable. retreat or proceed

tears of fear when eyes should be closed.

i watch her weeping with poor statues of woeful beautiful women
with nameless faces and bare ******* not-quite covered by chiseled cloth. modesty.

my cheeks are flushed as glitter mixes with salty tears, making my skin itchy, raw, bare...

i lean over the vintage sink, peering deeply into the mirror in a dimly lit bathroom of someone i only met once before...

when i was younger i always thought that it was impossible to die in a church. i thought that being inside of it made us
INVINSIBLE . . .

when i was younger, i never really thought about how
birthday cakes don't only have to be "birthday cake" flavored
|
meyer lemon-raspberry, chocolate-cinnamon, quadruple-chocolate, key lime-blueberry-strawberry, carrot, german chocolate, red velvet !

the cars in the review mirror made a total eclipse.

you are the softest color i have ever touched.
and...
you still know me better than most, even if you don't know my favorite ice cream flavor.

logopoeia of ellipses.

i will know the touch of the rays, the slimy backs of 𓆏 after the rain,
and the sting from stepping on chipped shells in the wading water . . . . .

my head was pounding with nothing, nothing but everything and nothing but everything all
at once, all at once the revolving door revolves again, no revolver to my head, no escape and no
soft bed, i thought my head was in the clear i thought everything had turned to nothing but is
nothing ever in the clear? i know, now i know there is no trigger to pull but the one that’s
already inside my head, inside my head the monsters wake, they taunt they pull they push they
prowl, preying on the “mind-killer”, fear, fear is what i fear, it eats it gnaws it rips it digs
a hole, a spiral hole, a hole with ridges to craft illusion that i’m burning bridges, when i am
actually building it stronger, solidified, worried, i make a frenzied dash out of the brief opening, the
opening that teases a sweet escape a sweet brain a sweet artery a sweet lung a sweet forever
that goes on forever until everything becomes nothing, there is no escape no escape from this
revolution this mind-killer this past this pattern this pool, pool of blood, pool of the same old
stab same old loud eyes same old breathlessness same old heart-race same old panic same
old irrational-rational darkness same old thought-spaghetti same old doubts same old destruction
same old replay of dagger-words same old over and over same old everything same old nothing

he makes the mundane feel romantic
and the ordinary feel extraordinary.

things like paper boats, white wildflowers on the side of the road, times of birth, or picking up fallen-over magazines from the floor at the store.

he makes me want to dance
like no one is watching.

he makes me want to
chase my wildest dreams
and stop at nothing or no one.

he makes me want to touch him
until our cheeks are colored crimson,
salty sweat drips from our brows,
and we fall asleep from sweet exhaustion.

he makes me want to
fall and fly &
grow and cry

he makes me want to
run away from this place
we call "home"
to make a new one from nothing.

he makes me want to
love myself and never look back
to what held me from doing so.

he makes me want to love him..
he makes me want to love him
no matter how hard..
no matter how easy..

limited.

vulnerable.

raw.

primitive privileges.

pen.

paper.

outdoors.

you.

aching.

longing.

me­.

pen.

paper.

I see the frustration
in your eyes
for that brief fraction of a moment
when no body else
is looking.
For a while I felt I understood.

As I know things haven't
been going the way you
need.

"I love you"
I want to say to you now
& every second that I am breathing...

i see us walking
in the big park as i drive by.

21 questions,
sun shining bright,
curious about each other,
& before we held hands.
we're alive.

"fast car" played
through the speaker
as i lay in the dentist office
beige leather chair.

parking lot seagulls
flying across the winter sky
on the other side of the snow-speckled pane.
i let out a long sigh.

how much longer
until this skin gets to graze home?

my social clumsiness
threw me in for a plot twist,
& not the good kind.

"grief is an ACTIVE process..."
my professor says.
a day of
prolonged sighs.

monday mourning
FRESH START
tuesday blues
FRESH START
wednesday...

Fall into me
love
& I will catch you

I will catch you
when you are falling
out of the up
& falling into the down
every time

I will catch you
when you are falling into
the darkness of your own
mind & mess

I will catch you
and wake you out of your
nightmares
to love you & hold you

Your eyes speak before you.
Please don't hide away
your pain, give it to me, love
I want it instead.
I feel it before you even say a word.
All the pain you feel, I'd take it for you...

I promise you,
every time
I will catch you...

We speak in song...
Our hearts are slowly intertwining
until every part of us is tied together
Find me in the music..
Picture me there with you
"Dancing...swaying...singing until our lungs give out..."
Picture us...
The rest of the world falls away, always.
Nothing around us matters, suddenly.
Blurry..
But you are clear as ever..
Surrounding us, lights from the suns & moons.
Fireflies & embers from the fire that fuels
this feeling...
Vivid colors swirling around & through us..
The heavenly harmonies
& magical melodies;
this is where you'll find me, always
If you ever feel my hand slip away..
If you ever feel our fingers
slowly
loosen their grip on each other...

i am still
the one
you once
wanted.

you've
always
been
the one
i've
wanted.

but you're
no longer
the one
who
once
wanted me.

i suppress the monster within,
hungry for more of you.

it can be found
hidden in plain sight,
never gone
but a little shy in the light.

it lurks in the shadows
beneath my eyes,
from long sleepless nights
of missing what we used to be

it resides in the music
we shared and grew
new life from

some may say
it has red eyes,
sharp claws,
and gnashing teeth,
awaiting your return
only to have your heart ripped to shreds...

but it only sees you
for what you are,
sees you for who you were,
who you're trying to be,
and who you want to become.

it's waiting for you
to see you're stronger than you feel,
to see you're capable of being loved
and always hoping you will
remember how to love in return...

a creature of habit,
it loves it hurts it loves it hurts
it doubts it believes it doubts it believes...

it knows that unconditional
means seeing the darkest parts of another
and loving them more despite
how scary it might be,
being fully known, fully seen.

a monster's reputation
stained like red wine
on a white **** rug...

ruby red eyes that are actually
deep brown and yearning to meet yours again . . .
sharp claws that are actually
soft hands aching to touch what was once theirs . . .
and gnashing teeth that are really just
warm lips longing to merely graze the edge of yours . . .

and nothing less than
a cracked heart,
awaiting something it hopes
one day will find it's way back to it,
home and to stay,
maybe once and for all . . .

I wish for (y)our happiness

the endless sky frilling with bright new colors

the ringing of cricket song
seeming to cease suddenly

replaced by birdsong

i sit up, lungs searching for a pocket of purity

swipe the remaining sticky, drying tears from my
cheeks, chin, neck, shoulder, ear, chest . . .

deep breaths
in . . .out . . .in . . . out

wipe the sleep from my eyes

stretch the paralysis from my muscles

unwind the stillness from my bones

touch the tips of my bare toes to the surface of the floor
and push against gravity

my vision turns to t.v. static
bleary
nebulous
distorted

a faint buzz and sharp tone sings throughout my head,
vibrates from ear to ear

i sway

steady

open my eyes and wait until the haze fades

in . . .out . . .in . . .out

happy sleepy chirps,
hopeful for a new beginning.

a new beginning, we will get





.

i remember writing that we fell into each other in july

do you recall when i read to you that i hoped we would fall in love in october?

it's november now, the world a dazzling gallery of crimson, gold, & rust...

i sent an invite to your new address for a rooftop rendezvous

glasses of peach wine & dozens of little red cards

a requested reminiscing...an appointed questionnaire in regard to our past life spent like impulsive racehorse bets

the leaves fall from damp branches to the dark earth like new loves blooming, but everyone knows nothing new blooms during the autumn

"meet me on the rooftop when the jack-o-lanterns turn to cornucopias but before the first frost nips at your fingertips"

and we can catch up & remember the memories, we can laugh and watch the condensation from our breath rise up to the gray autumn sky in clouds like chimney smoke from the rooftops

"meet me on the rooftop when the thought of us no longer makes me cry but before i forget what it felt like to care too much"

and we can scream our favorite songs & recall the times i tripped over every crack in the ground, we can talk for hours about anything, everything & how pineapple belongs on pizza, as we watch the families eat dinner around their tables & create elaborate fiction about their cookie-cutter lives...

"meet me on the rooftop when the autumn leaves are wind-driven but before they are a distant memory as they rest beneath the soft white winter blanket . . .before i forget what you look like...before i forget your middle name...before i forget the sound of your voice" . . .

they used to tell me to stay away from you because you'd hurt me...
but now it's you who tells me.

i won't let you close enough to hurt me like before.
and you shouldn't let anyone do the same.

you were the sand that i tightened my grip around, causing you to slip through my fingers faster than if i loosened them...

i wanted to get it right so badly that i always got it wrong.

& we had no idea that electricity would turn to lightning.

you said you'd never break the bottle

don't . . .

while mine is tucked away, safe & in a place no one could ever remove the lid again (no one but us)

just in case we'll ever need it . .

just because we want something to be perfect
doesn't mean it will be...

maybe that's how we were.

the you closure we want
will never be the closure we get...

the perfect ending, with you as my end game...
who is to say.

it's weird writing this halfway-healed instead of muddled in the sadness & madness of wanting you & wanting you to want me...

and how am i supposed to summarize
everything we had
in one poem?
or 2 million poems for that matter?

i don't think these kinds of things
are meant to be summed up with words...

words get in the way
of how things truly are.
of how people really feel.

i wanted words to your (in)actions...
a bite of closure
even if it broke me...
even if it was telling me what i already knew...

but it was a bite you couldn't give
& darling believe me when i say
i did everything i could to understand why...

i see you now...
i know you now...
i hear you & even everything you don't say...

because we were always good at knowing exactly how each other feels...what each other is thinking without a single word needing to be said...

and how am i supposed to summarize
everything we had
in one poem?
or 2 million poems for that matter?

i don't think these kinds of things
are meant to be summed up with words...

i think these kinds of things
are meant to be remembered
by those passionate moments
those painful memories
the way we came into existence
& the way we fought to stay there
until we just couldn't...
until we just couldn't.

i sit up breathing slow and deep..

aware of the slight, still trembling of my limbs..

careful to part my lips slightly while exhaling.

it left a bad taste on my tongue.. that sensation i dreaded..

i noticed every detail of everything surrounding me in my little room..

on my nightstand, all of the essentials..

the empty copper cup my stepfather had handed me, full, now empty of water..
replace lost fluids..

my nearly empty baby blue glass water bottle..

a cold pack, now lukewarm to room temperature from being pressed against my feverishly warm skin.. alternating.. forehead..stomach..neck..forehead..stomach..neck..
filled with hundreds of those micro gel beads..baby blue.

a recently opened crinkly bag of Saltine crackers my mother had given me to settle my stomach that was either not favoring something i had eaten several hours before..or not favoring the lack of the food that i should have eaten..

my alarm clock, reminding me that i have to wake up soon.. work.. i thought i was sure i didn't feel like going..
my stomach turned at the thought when i entertained it..

"You think you won't feel better by then?"
my mother had asked me..
i knew that i would..

i had 2 hours to recover..to sleep...
but the 2 hours had come and gone within a slow blink..
no sleep...
but recovery and comfort had become mine at least...

sleep, recently, had never come as easily as it always had before..

the warm and comforting rain would commence soon..

my book..a quarter of the way read..my great escape..
newly discovering a gift of narration, and simultaneously hoping it wouldn't cease with finishing the book..

and my retainer that i had comically and seemingly unconsciously swiped off before the incident so that they wouldn't get ruined..
only now it had occurred to me that i hadn't removed them in attempt to protect them from stomach acids.. but to alleviate the nauseating taste lingering on my tongue..

had i been selfish?

no...now was not the time to be ******* myself..
it hardly ever was..

focusing harder..

a massage bar strong with fragrant peppermint and cinnamon, pushed as far away from my nose as possible..
placed atop my vanity just on the other side of my nightstand..

my auburn hair, disheveled yet perfectly placed amidst..

a thick, extra blanket tossed aside at the foot of my bed..
reduce the fever
i had intended..

my poorly folded shorts and socks i had removed..

my electronics in disarray beneath my writing desk..
laptop charger plugged into the wall yet unplugged from the laptop itself..
my earbuds still attached, carelessly dangling to the floor..
the DSM-5 ever-so-gently placed atop my laptop..

i was always aware of the tremendous amount of books in my room..those lived in..and those awaiting their turn to have their pages grazed and loved..

and my little dog, cozied and nestled into her reciprocally little round bed in the corner of the room..
sleeping soundly with one eye open, always protecting us both..

my bedroom door open, i could hear the distant and gentle sound of dishes clattering and soft, running water..
pots and plates and plastic cups...

my mother must have decided to wash some dishes instead of trying to rejoin my stepfather in slumber..

or had he been awake, getting ready for work?

one thing i was sure of..

i suddenly frowned, corners of my mouth turned downward..

i suddenly felt bad and sorry for waking them..

ashamed..
thought this shame had not come from an external source..
irrational..
i am getting better at this..

but i realized then that had they not cared for me, they both would not have come running up the stairs at 3:50 a.m.

they showed me during my darkest moments..mostly.

my stepfather in his warm gentle temperature-checking hand grazing across my forehead as i sat, weak on the bathroom floor..
furrow between my brows, a tear gliding down my cheek.

my mother, in the way she stayed..sat with me for an hour after
as we ruled out the etiology..
in the way her strong hands massaged my feet, for comfort..

asking for help is okay..
i reminded myself..

being vulnerable
and allowing others..
the ones with pure intentions
to see me at my best..worst..and ugliest..
and looking for the moments they show me they even still love me..

courage..
in a NEW way..
something i had to get used to..

i take a photo of the food i made myself for dinner with quiet pride.

only this time, i don't send it to you.

google search:
"what counts as physical assault?"

                                ~ as if my experience is less than valid to count.

every night when i close my eyes,
you follow me,
you tap me on the shoulder
& ask if we could talk for a moment,
there is something important
you want to say...

so i listened but everything you said
i couldn't understand,
it was like a different language,
from another planet or another land.

cherry-vanilla soda instead of strawberry vanilla

i drew a heart next to my belly button in navy ink

he never asked me how my day was.

i heard the geese fly by at midnight, peculiar but lovely

the air smelled of october

october: hay, orchard, football games that ended a week or two ago, bittersweetness, and fine droplets suspended in the atmosphere

desserts taunt and temp me but i stay away for now.

easter is not on april fool's day this year

but it's still His best trick yet.

my fingertips dry and raw from flipping through so many pages

she licks my hands until they're clean

"death, he is not mean."

i rearranged my vanity, displayed my new perfume

bought myself flowers to lighten up my sanity

i couldn't see the moon tonight, is that why there's been no gravity?

no gravity for the thoughts

i wish i could say they come & go as they please but they never really go.

i'm thinking about those little white pills again.

sleeping dust: lavender, chamomile, tonka, benzoin...soft like dandelion, smooth like milk slipping down silk

the childhood bird coos and suddenly, i feel better

spring is still cold but warm.

i want to be the sun, i want to be the breeze...

i want the monarchs & swallowtails, the lawn mowers & never-ending birdsongs...

today we laughed as hard as we could, "mission impossible style"

a love letter lost, laying on the ground

anonymous but sacred.

i wish it would feel like it did all the time.

i don't know what happened.

the ambulance screams.

i lay blinking in the moon-less dark.

my thighs warm against my stomach.

but for the first time, i know the only one who can free me, is me.

S I D E      A :
"august"                          : flipturn
"all i want"                     : kodaline
"picture perfect"            : joli
"apocalypse"                  : cigarettes after ***
"the funeral"                  : band of horses
"all too well (10 min.)"    : taylor swift
"strawberries"                : caamp
"anchor"                         : novo amor
"embody me"                 : novo amor
"because of you"           : stephen sanchez

S I D E      B :
"sleep on the floor"                               : the lumineers
"brightside"                                         ­ : the lumineers
"iris"                                               ­       : the goo goo dolls
"flightless bird, american mouth"       : iron & wine
"wake me"                                             : bleachers
"i choose you"                                       : adam melchor
"until i found you"                               : stephen sanchez
"real love baby"                                    : father john misty
"more"                                                   : between friends