i wonder if
you still read
my poems
or if you
stopped
when they
ceased to be
about you . . .

sometimes
i like to pretend
that you're watching me.

memorizing my every move.

noticing all of the subtle details.

counting the lines around my face.
("Mercy" Lewis C.)

wanting to keep me in your life because i mean something to you...

slowly falling into each other...

you are my oxygen..

"i fell in love the way you fall asleep...slowly, and then all at once."

I don't know why I
foolishly waited
for you to say
"Happy Valentine's Day".

I don't know why I
foolishly waited
for you to
pick me up and swing me around
like you were happy to see me.

I don't know why I
foolishly waited
for you to pull me close
kiss me slowly
softly
gently.

I don't know why I
foolishly waited
for you to
tell me how much you want to make me feel wanted and loved by you.

I don't know why I
foolishly thought
you would do all of these things.

I don't know why I
am always surprised
when you
laugh at me
instead of listening to me
when I need you to...

I don't know why I
still allow you to hurt me
somehow, even while my guard is up.

I don't know why I
still let you in
knowing you can walk away so easily
and let me walk away
while I cry...

I don't know why I
am still lying to myself, saying
"he does care for me..."
"he does want me..."
"he does need me..."
"he does know me..."
"he does see me..."
"he does understand me..."
"he does love me..."
"he doesn't want to hurt me..."

i will give in to your emotional games
and word you are so obsessed with . . .
villain.
make me that . . .
but you have no idea,
what it's like for me.
no matter how much i try to tell you,
you have no idea,
what i feel.
no matter how hard i try to express it . . .

the right one won't mind being with you even when you're at your worst & all of your days have darkened.

if you drink the poison . .

you can't have one without the other

if you drown . .  

you can't not have one without not having the other



.

if you saw me again
would you fall in love
for the first time
all over again?

would you turn around
& walk the other way,
hoping i didn't see you too?
or would you want me
the same way i want you?

would you tell them
you hoped you'd never see
my face after all this time?
or would you miss me
the way we did when you were mine?

would you stop to say hello,
the how've you been's?
planting hope's seeds?
or would you tell me
you realize that we're
all you'll ever need?

carpet floor,
i rest my chin
atop my knee.

behind the door,
swallowed whole
by my oversized
tear-stained
t-shirt.

i sit back against the
velvet green and red
holiday skirts,
work jeans,
and pajama tops.

muffled sobs
amidst the
kaleidoscope closet.

nowhere is my
comfort zone
when i feel this way...

bruised wrist.

bloodshot eyes.

raw cupid's bow.

broken heart.

why...
all i can ask
why...does everything i do and say...
all i can feel
everything i do...
all i can think
every breath i take...
all i can believe
everything i say...
all i can see
every little thing...
just
why...


bittersweet memories
or just bitter.

watching you
walk beside her...
behind the tall glass,
watching her inaudible laughs
as you make jokes to her...

watching as your smile disappears
when i'm around.

the physicality
of emotion
as i feel my heart
ache...pounding...
quieter as if it knows
it's about to break
if i allow myself to look...

to look when she walks
you to the door...
smiling
laughing
talking
dancing...

all i can do is watch...
or pretend i do not see...
i hate that i always do.

the way i'm making everything worse
when i try to make them better...

you hate it.
you hate it.
you hate it.

wondering why you don't see...
why you don't see why i'm always so unsure..

you tell me in your silence...
you tell me in your eyes...
you tell me in your words, if i'm lucky...

the words that are daggers,
slowly twisting blades,
deeper, without remorse.

the way it feels as though
you want me to know
how bad i make everything...
how inconvenient my
too-much-not-enough existence is...

like a tick that won't let go...

actions speak louder than words.
silence speaks louder than both.

water turns to ***.

night sweats
and tangled hair tossed into
a too-high bun.

stragglers of stray
curls, twirls and twists
falling gently on either side
of flushed cheeks.

when sunrises won't turn to sunsets
fast enough.

a red rubber band.

five-hundred no's.

tears and tummy aches.

silence . . .

a beige rubber band.

silence follows . . .

i loved who i was...

silent words.

i loved who we were...

you never noticed me since...

tears and tummy aches.

i'm unsure of who i am these days

do you make me forget
or remember?

masterpiece.

work-in-progress.

human.

mistakes.

"­**** near perfect"...

mess.

*"best"...

if getting hurt
is what it will take
to feel his care and love
again, then so be it...

fever.

the room is spinning around me

but i lay very still...

my body trembles from the absence.

your love.

the lie.

i close the car door...

hope no one hears my screams...

my scarf muffles each violent exhale of grief

each desperate gasp for life.

i wince from the pain.

funny how i feel most like myself...

hurt.

by myself.

i feel alive.

i feel things.

i feel everything.

except the lie.

broken promise

it's too late.

i roll the windows down

allow the wind to dry my cheeks

no one must know...

crying is a terrible understatement.

so is dying.

fading memories of you telling me you loved me

fading...fading... f a d i n g...gone.

you never wanted to hurt me

days later you rip me to shreds...

you say it's my fault that you won't come.

i rely on you no longer...

why should i feel safe with you?

i will no longer let you hold my heart...i don't trust you with it.

"i will always want to be gentle with your heart"

you said.

"i want to take care of what's in there"

you say pointing to the beating heart within my chest...

you didn't mean it.

dear j,

"leaves are on the ground, fall has come...blue skies turning gray, like my love...i tried to carry you, and make you whole...but it was never enough, i must go...and who is gonna save you when i'm gone?...and who will watch over you when i'm gone?...you say you cared for me, but hide it well...how can you love someone, not yourself?...who will break your fall, who will you blame?...i can't go on and let you lose it all, more than i can take...who will ease your pain?...ease your pain...and who will give you strength when you're not strong?...who will watch over you when i'm gone away?...snow is on the ground, winter's come...you long to hear my voice, but i'm long gone..."

your eyes met mine today, twice.
i looked away..
did you mean that?
pinch me...maybe i was still asleep?

when we wake up,
are we still together? . . .

i can't help but think
about your bare wrist...

i can't help but think
about your bare wrist . . .

"you're not getting rid of me that easy"
i hear you say...

"you're stuck with me"
on repeat...

your voice once warm & sounding like home,
making me flinch awaiting pain to follow as my stomach turns from immense sadness...

i wish you would want me too..
i wish i felt like home to you..
comfort..

i want to fall for you
without caution . . .
i'm not ashamed of loving you . . .

are my fingers still tightly
laced with yours? . . .
i don't know.
yet part of me knows.
and that's the scariest thing
i could feel..

"it's hard to feel you slipping through
my fingers are so numb..."

i reach outward into the dark for you...

are you still there? . . .

i long to hear your voice.

are you long gone? . . .

sincerely,
d

you just wanted something to hold against me.

you think you're winning

but i'm just as quick

you want me to crumble

crumble i may, but i have a whole deck up my sleeve

you think you're fooling me..

but i silently move across the board

fcking tired from playing this game of yours

free me...free me...

i'll let you make your moves

let you bend my fingers backwards until they break.

when i point them at you

show me the mirror all you want

i'll shatter it to bits

shards of glass cutting the skin on my knuckles

i'll show you i can hurt and still stand strong.

villain

make me that

make me fit into your box

show me off to all your friends

tell them what i've done

talk me down

tear me down

tell them what a monster i am

blood-thirsty gnashing teeth and razor sharp claws.

you want me to believe your image of myself..

want me to forget who i am..

hate myself..

self-destruct.

hold you accountable.

all the while you do nothing..say nothing

framing me.

molding me into the villain for the world to see..

but i see what you're doing

you know what you're doing..

you know..

but i know who i am

i know what i've said

i know what i meant

i know how i feel

why punish me for not knowing how you feel when you refuse to tell me..show me..

you *want me to be your villain so you don't become one..

that isn't how it works

we both know that

you know what you've said

you know what you never said

never done

you know how you left

with nothing..

giving me nothing

make me your villain

not your lover

make me your monster

not your love

make me into everything i know i'm not

have you forgotten who i am?...

who i was?...

have you forgotten that easily?...

what do you see when you look into the mirror and why hurt me for it?

i watch you, as you think you're succeeding

in bringing me to the ground

the ashes of your ex-villains

i know what i've said

i know what i've done

and don't tell me i don't when you punish me for it every waking moment...

score keeper...

while i forgave (but never forgot) the second after it happened..

i have to hold you accountable, i said..

i can admit and take responsibility for the hurt i have inflicted

but could you ever?...

for one moment, see the damage that you've done in return?...

elbows deep in flour,

always indecisive

but you know this.

everyone always loves it

don't they?

strawberry, lemon, apple, blueberry . .

a list 36 miles far.

the evening sky is painted,

violets, golds, pinks, and blues . .

i'm crumbling while i'm strong.

cranberry, raspberry, kiwi, fig . .

a walk 21 miles near.

i am deep

i am loved

i can show you i can bite..

you are there

i am here

one of us is always in the wrong place.

the sky looks as if all the stars exploded,

spectacular yet dangerous..

how could we forget? . . .

let me show you i can love
the deepest darkest
parts of you..

shirtsleeves stained with paint,

the kind He uses for the sky..

if i said i hated you, i'd be caught in a lie.

you know i can't, how could i ever?

when all we did was love until we hurt
and all that was left was
to hurt each others hearts..

we didn't have to, love we never had to..

did you?
did i?
did we?

i can show you i can love you hard,

with everything i have in me.

my bones, my mind, my heart, my soul

take it all or leave it all..

there is no in between, my heart

you can't say no but want part of me . .

we're all or nothing
show me how..

i'll squeeze your hand
so tight..

just don't let go so easily..

i left you so you'd be happy

but you seem more upset to me..

i have so much regret in me

do you feel it too, honey? . .

i couldn't love you better
because that was what i had

at the time.
but now i've learned some things
and see what now makes sense.

i know now what i didn't then
but could you ever see me the same?

could you ever

i wish i knew what comes to mind
when you hear my name..

do you say it softly
like i do
when i miss you most? . .

the way it rolls off of my tongue
like it's always been there..
waiting for the day
i shout it,
hands reached out
throughout the darkness..

will you grab them when it's
bright outside
or when it's just pitch-black inside?
or will you decide
never to
and let them fall back at my side . .

yellows, greens, blues, and you..

we're back at the beginning.

where you didn't know me
nor i knew you..

i felt i did,
first look
i knew..

is this what our ending looks like
or beginning in disguise..
black funeral or white wedding,
adventure of the new..

the beach in your shoes
and smoke braided into your hair

the fireflies fly right into your palm
the fireflies became you

after i held you
in your neon pink fleece
crying in my arms as i held back the salt
but why would i want to?
when we miss each other too much
to not live and love again
in october?

if i drank the poison

i would not ask you to follow..

you stay here

and you l i v e . .

if i drank the poison

i would want you to stay..

heal..

feel..

hurt..

heal..

live..

hurt..

heal..

l­ove..

hurt..

heal..

l i v e

you deserve to live..feel loved..be loved..and love..

do not follow me..

you will hold on tight..

you will live, not exist..

you will live..