dear j,

"when we wake up
are we still
together? . . ."

i was willing to struggle
with you . . .

a constant dance with your words . .
where did you go? . . .

"stuck with me"
i thought i was safe . . .

"not getting rid of me that easy"
this must be easy? . . .

"i will be here as long as you still want me to be"
i still want you to be . . .but that isn't making a difference . . .

i have no say . . .

i wish you'd have the heart
to tell me
you left
a long time ago . . .
to tell me
you moved on
a while back . . .
to tell me
you want me
gone . . .

i thought i knew you better.
i thought you wanted it too . . .
i thought i knew you so much better...
i thought it was real. . .
i thought we had magic...
i  thought i knew us better. . .

from,
d

"never confide your fears"
she told me . .

but what if i tell them to
the one person i want to trust?

and what if that is the one person
that always breaks it?

"are you outer space? because i want to explore you endlessly"

strength has one name

but many faces..

just because we live within this
dark & cruel world

does not mean we have to
fall victim to its ways..

you are the opposite of worthless..

it p a i n s
me to see the darkness
take over you..

it wants that..
it wants to engulf
your fragile heart..
your precious mind..
your irreplicable soul..

it wants you to believe
you are worthless..

it pains me
to watch it stain
everyone black..

you cant listen to it..

you cant let it convince you..

it lies..
it lies to you..

it wants you to feel weak..

it wants you to feel worthless..

it wants you to succumb to it..

it wants you to submit
until it engulfs you
until theres nothing left..

you cant let it win..

im telling you this because
ive been there...
i know what it feels like..
i know what it feels like
to have no one there
but myself to rwalize
that theyre all lies..

i believed it..
but i could never do it,
because i knew
that it was inaccurate..
untrue..
and selfish..

knowing that they are lies and that i didnt have to listen to the darkness saved me..

and no one deserves to feel
the pitch black
empty
cold
deafeningly silent
nothingness..

its why i do what i do..

you dont have to give in..

it isnt how your story ends..

it isnt..

Anxiety crawling up my throat

Oxygen unable to fill my lungs the way it's supposed to

It lives inside, demanding to be felt

I let it make it's way out

I look it straight into its ice cold crystal blue eyes

And I say "you no longer hold the permission to have control over me,"

"It is I who gets to have reign over you."