you said you've really been enjoying our conversations lately

& that you'd love to get some coffee soon.

i can't let myself know you that way, i think we'd hurt each other greatly.

if you really saw, would you like how i look, beneath the light of the moon?

the snow storm is brewing

the blizzard will blanket itself across our town

the once green trees will be barren with brittle limbs frosted with white

the feeling of fallen leaves crunching beneath the soles of my boots

she thinks she understands but she doesn't . . .

looking up, i see the fluffy snowflakes clumped together, drifting down in irregular pattern

there is no wind this night.

only bitter cold.

he thinks he knows but he has no idea . . .

i stick out my tongue in hopes to catch a falling flake, one last time being my happy, loving, warm self.

they think i'm okay. they think i'm angry. they think i hate.

i dance like no one is watching, because no one is

i stretch out my arms and twirl like a ballerina performing upon her magnificent stage for the last time

a smile my lips make, but there's a tear falling from down my cheek.

the woods could never be quieter than they are in this moment.

i let out a scream at the top of my lungs... i listen in silence... no one will hear me.

peaceful. embracing.

i say im unapologetic, but i apologize all the time . . .

i continue walking.

the bridge with it's sister stream frozen and snowed over

memories frozen, still.

i walk to the edge of the woods, and turn left.

gazing with wonder and awe at the withering yet beautiful world surrounding me...

the winter blushing my cheeks and tip of my nose.

i breathe in a long breath and let out a short sigh.

i find a bench overlooking the tree line and sunset and the road with occasional passing vehicles.

first i sit, but then i lay down.

there i will close my eyes . . .

and there i will stay . . .

muscles, bones, blood, and flesh . . .

frozen, until the beating ceases

slowly, with the drifting snow.

.

it's barely 8:36 a.m.

"why are you still here?"

she asks me . .

"why? if you're that miserable?"

she asks, not really wanting to know the answer . .

maybe she's right . .

why am i still here

.

The sky was
Red
Like the blood that my heart
Bled
While silent tears were
Shed,
Longing for all the words I wish you had
Said.
Yet instead, you hid and you
Fled,
My deepest fear that I
Dread.
The loudness & messiness inside of my
Head
Surrounded me as I lay perfectly still in my
Bed.
I wrote to you the words that I never
Said,
Waiting for an answer...
But you left me on
“Read”.

~

this is me healing.
this is me longing.
this is me struggling.
this is me living.
this is me loving.
this is me moving on.
this is me finding myself.
this is me forgiving myself.
this is me loving myself.
this is me remembering.
this is me recovering.
this is me trying.
this is me learning.
this is me changing.
this is me growing.
this is me falling.
this is me standing back up.
this is me reflecting.
this is me coping.
this is me processing.
this is me expressing.
this is me feeling like myself again.
this is me healing.

~

5th shot fired.

I stand alone once more
just the way I knew I would be.

The truth is out.

No longer something I carry
on my own.

If I was worth fighting for
why did it take this long
for you to want to?

A chance for conversation.

Would you deny me again?

I'm fighting...
fighting to make sure
I do not get backed into
the corner again
as I stand here alone
again...

Hands trembling
from the thought of
not feeling yours

Chasing after my breath
from the memory of
feeling you walk away

I have withdrawals
when we are apart

Is this too much?

Is it too much to want to
be by your side
every moment
my heart still beats?

I'm so easy to love
you tell me

I'm so worth loving
you say
There's so much to love...

But would you walk away
if you knew how much
I want to be able to love you
& be loved by you?

Would you walk away
if you felt the depths of my heart
& heard the way it beats louder than
ten billion fireworks,
and the roaring thunder of a thousand storms
at sea with its crashing waves
as all of the stars is the universe collide?

Would you still
if you knew how much
the butterflies in my stomach
make my cheeks turn red as rubies
every time our eyes meet?

Would you still love me
if you knew how far I'd go
to save you?

Would you laugh at
how much I want you to want me?
How much I want you to need me?

...or maybe
we'll just love without a care...
and just maybe we will match
each other's love & strengths
while we love like no one is watching...
like we only have this one moment...

one
moment...

left me
lying on the earth within the woods,
rain-soaked leaves of autumn notes comforting my fall.

left me
crying on the wheel,
bones bitten by brutal wind.
a deafening silence...
the sound of you
not next to me.

heart pounding.

tip of my nose red
apples of my cheeks pink
from the returning frostbite
from the absence of your warmth.

heart slows.

97.
esophagus losing the battle.

heart stops.

though my mind will never cease.

the love my heart once carried will never decrease,
long after i am deceased..

tiny cold raindrops fall sporadically
onto my scarlet cheeks.
i close my eyes, looking up to the sky
i stick my tongue out
to catch them.

Violins, harps, & cellos. . .
a crescendo. . .

maximum melatonin
dosage
just to ensure sleep
away from hurting.

missing you is madness.
all i want is to r u n . . .

though i never feel like i know
whether or not
i want to run towards
or away from you.

i want to tell you how i'm feeling

but i will hold it back

for you

i want to show you that i care

but i will pretend that i don't

for you

i want to show you how i'm hurting

but i will gently tell you no

for you

i want to tell you all about exciting things

but i will leave you alone

for you

i want to ask you how you're feeling

but i will try to keep things platonic

between us

for you









i'll feel less like myself, but at least i'll be taking care of you..

everything i was

everything i stood for

identity pulled from me

turned inside out

disected all the wrong parts

placed in the hot spotlight

backed into the corner...

no one by my side

no one there as i fell & kept falling...

learned to be there for myself...

no more relying on anyone...

no more believing anyone...

voice taken from me.

words stolen.

thoughts no longer mine.

emotions never belonging to me.

forgot who i was...

nothing i could do or say...

lost myself...

all i wanted was to be happy again.

to be myself.

to love
& be loved.

i built my wall...my protection from others who would try to pull me down just to hurt me.

i'd never let anyone see that they got to me...

couldn't let anyone in...crashing into who i really want to be...vulnerable.

could you feel it?

could you understand why i am who i am?

crying the oceans into existence while you lived on...

made to feel like someone else...

made to feel like my trauma is my fault...

made to feel like my pain was because i did it to myself...like i wanted this...

stripped of all my happiness..

made to feel like i allowed myself to be taken..

always taken.

taken for granted.
taken advantage of.

what will be next?...

will you hte me?...

will you hte that i am not healed yet?...

will you hte that i need your hand?...

will you hte the very thought of me?...

will you shiver at the thought of me wanting to love you...

you
were
blinded
by me...
not
me
by you...

i saw
your
darkness,
mess,
faults,
insecurities,
fears,
imperfectio­ns...

i wanted
to love
you
more
for them...

"**** near perfect..."

"are all i want, need, & desire..."

i
let
you
in...

one
look
&
you
run
opposite
of me...

I always imagine myself
telling you exactly what
I am feeling in the moment,
and how I am feeling it.

This never goes as planned.

The rain pours heavily on
the car roof,
The windows are decorated
with droplets that cast a
gentle shadow, speckled across
your moonlit face.

When our lips meet,
the words never come
like I mean for them to...

When our lips meet,
the words don't work
nearly as accurately as
everything else does in the
moment...

Every subtle & gentle touch
is a language speaking all on its own.
We have no need to speak
with words any longer...

I know every word
you are telling me
without you even saying a thing...

The lightning lights up
the night sky
with every intention of
bringing us closer,
our electricity creating more..

The thunder
that our pounding hearts
make when we get one second
to reunite..

one look
from across the room
and see all the hurt
that's ever inhabited your heart,
weighing you down..
one touch
gently grazing your arm
and i feel the hurt i've caused you..

you don't deserve this..
you deserve to feel seen..
inside and out..
the light and the dark..
and you deserve all of it to be loved..
it's my job to protect you..
it's my job to love you..

but what do i do when the one hurting you is myself?...
how do i protect you from me?...
i can either go away forever..
or i will be better for you..
that's how.
but you choose . . .

i feel it..
you never let me forget it..
i feel it every day,
waking or sleeping,
that goes by
that you don't say a word . .

"he's looking at you"

he says.

"no he's not..."

i deny.

"i'm not even in his view..."

i say.

The scent
of your skin,

The touch
of your hands,

The sound
of your voice,

The taste
of your words;
hard to swallow pills,

The look
in your crystalline eyes

Haunt me
like unwelcomed ghosts.

the tide rises higher and higher
each second.

white waves crashing hard onto the cliffside.

wind pushes,
chill, biting me to the bones.

no sun to be felt gently grazing upon my pale skin.

the warmth is gone...

only sad songs travel through the wires.

hands trembling, always.

terrified...

("aren't we just terrified?...")
"Roslyn" Bon Iver

no more trust...never knowing if you'll just disappear or stay any second...

that baby pink sweater i bought just for snuggling with you...

fading...fading...f a d i n g... gone.

that's all that i feel i have left of you...memories.

"i had all and then most of you, some, and now none of you...take me back to the night we met..."

i wonder if you would ever let me touch you again...

blurred city lights rushing past.

running on glass...

dreams of you.

"dreams".

hurting...avoiding...ignoring...walking...hiding­...hurting...

the most terrifying part of the nightmares
is that they remain reality
when i open my eyes...

"rather be dead"

"rather be dead..."

i had a dream my room was empty.

one second to the next,
i stumble, i struggle
to contain the screams.

i've been holding my breath
afraid that if i exhale, a cry will
make its way out instead.

grieving the loss of someone who is no longer with us
v.
grieving the loss of someone who is no longer with us
but sees you from across the room
and chooses to look the other way...

(and this time, it isn't because they didn't want you to notice that they love you.)

if i could hold you

one more time

one more time
would not be enough..

would it be enough for you?

if i could hold you
and pull the pain
from within your chest
i would..

amoeba.

would that be enough?

would you ever let me in?

would you ever want me near you again..

would that be enough?

it's sad how
everyone who treat you poorly
are the same ones
who tell you
you don't deserve
to be treated that way.

mirror across the room

standing alone

hands shaking

we think we are loving each other
when really,
we are only breaking...

i immerse myself
within the
melodies & harmonies
to push the
aching.

I'm running out of options,
how long can I keep quaking?

Pure intentions
perceived as enemy;
how now,
who's really doing the
forsaking?

You will never see me
when I'm
happy
dancing
laughing
singing

Or when I wear
that cute pink sweater
I bought just for cuddling
with you

Cuddling with you..
Something that we'll never get to do

~~

You will never see me
when I'm
f
a
l
l
i
n
g
down my darkest days
and crying while I'm half awake
at 2.

And I won't have you there to pick me up
& hold me tight or
tell me
"everything will be okay, my dear."

"Everything will be okay"
Something that we'll never
get to say

~~

You will never see me
when I'm walking down
bright city streets,
wishing you were here
hand in mine.

City lights & color-changing trees
and endless "I love you's"
whispered underneath
our sheets below
a rainy day

Slow kisses below a rainy sky,
Something that we'll never get
to do again

dear j,

i can't help but notice you walking by.
ever.
though it's only painful now,
you never seem to notice me.

do you feel anything when
you hear someone mention my name?...

patiently waiting for the day i stop waking up only to find myself still asleep in this heart-wrenching fever dream...


early morning walk,
harsh wind pinching my cheeks
until they're as red as roses..
sun concealed behind a blanket of
white and gray clouds..
i look down at my feet
as we make our way home.

my mind, a broken record...
memories of things
yet to happen...
i shouldn't
allow myself to have hope.

i reduce myself to a platonic soul.
something i am not...
"thanks" instead of "thank you"
nothing instead of "good morning" or "goodnight"
"love you" instead of "i love you" in fear that you may feel the "i" is too personal..

i wonder if you are receiving my letters.

you feel so far...
so out of reach...
fading into the sea of faces...

soft distant memories of things we said & did..
brighter...happier...best.

now,
i only allow myself
to do what i must:
be myself.
breathe.
and prepare my heart for the worst...
you saying goodbye.

sincerely,
d

tires worn

tread worn

soles torn

souls torn

will you let me mend yours?. . .

i will breathe you back to life, my love. . .

one gentle kiss grazed upon your warm skin

i want to put the life back into your eyes...

pain lives there

pain lies there

pain lies, love. . .

"don't let it fool you..."

you will breathe again...
you will live again
you will feel again
you will be sure again
you will be okay again...

take my hand, you are drowning...

i can't swim either, but if we need to  t r e a d
we tread together...

i see you from across the room...

torn between casting my gaze downward
or
embracing you with all of the life, love, and protection i feel for you...

which one do you want me to do...

pressure...

wind blows harder

will you leave me
if i'm still broken?

pressure...

i'm doing what i can
with what i have
with all that i
currently am...

never knowing
anymore
if you'd go
or no...

"shale, screen your worries..."

she's fragile
and she's trying to
break down her walls
gently for herself
for you
for both...

"from what you won't ever find..."

she won't ever feel fully ready
for something this scary...

it means too much to her
to risk it being ripped
from her hands again...

hands trembling, always.
wishing you would
just hold hers...

simultaneously,
it means too much to her
to not risk what could be
beautiful...

she doesn't know
if would you be there
to catch her
when she falls.

glass.
running on glass..

"holding on for dear life"

realizing that i can't
rip the band-aid off
if the wound is not
healed beneath...

give me time...

if you want to leave, leave...

i will need you still..
i will want you still...

dear j,

i'm trying not to allow my emotions get the best of me.
i won't lie and tell you that that isn't hard,
because it is.
that's all i've ever been.
a little ball of intense emotions, longing to unravel, simultaneously scared to let you see because i fear you'd abandon me after being vulnerable.
i've learned that fear, is a liar.
it drives us to hesitate...procrastinate...prolong inaction.
so i also learned something about myself.
my fears exist because things are so important to me, i don't want to lose them.
and you are one of those things.

last night,
i stood in front of the mirror hanging on my bedroom wall
as an intrusive revelation danced through my head...
i've always hated myself for feeling so connected to others that i feel an unhealthy attachment.
and if i'm honest, that has never been "poison" for another...
it has only ever been "poison" to myself.
some people's chemicals combine awfully with ours and a toxic chemical reaction occurs damaging our outlook on the world, love, and ourselves...
while some people's chemicals combine smoothly, beautifully, naturally, and organically enhancing our outlook on love, challenging our perspective on the world, and supporting our mindset of ourselves.
call me mad...but i realize that i am not co-dependent either.
i have never felt like i needed anyone in order to feel complete..
at least not anymore..
"be with someone you WANT to be with,"
my mother says to me...
"not someone you NEED..."

i've never wanted someone
before i saw you..

i know who i am.
i feel complete on my own.
i love feeling independent.
i feel comfortable being by myself (not that i always love it...that would be lonely & selfish of me).
i'm aware i am equipped with everything i need within (though you are my compliment).
i can emphasize & embrace myself.
i can be deep, true, & authentic.
i am confident in what i'm crafted to do in this life...
this one life...

i love who i am.
i feel beautiful & happy in my own skin that i don't depend on other's words to view myself as worthy or valuable.
i used to hate my sensitivity in this wicked world but now i realize that it is a gift...
it is a rarity
and i will never allow anyone to convince me otherwise.
i wouldn't rather be anything or anyone else.

i want you in my life.
and that's my problem now.
you no longer want me in yours.

i called you..
you picked up on the third try..
then hung up after one second
like it was an accident.
was it?

i learned three things.
1) promises were meant to be broken.
2) perhaps i'm the only one in it for "we".
3) your love is conditional..

i'd love you no matter where we are or
what circumstances we are in...making the most of what we would have, through the thick and thin.
while you will only love me now if circumstances are...perfect.

my present best will not be my forever best.
i've not asked for too much..
and neither have you, love...

my one question for the evening is;
if we can have each other some day..if we met again..
would you still want me?
would you want us . . .

sincerely,
d

i'm scared i'm not your safe space anymore..

afraid i no longer feel like home for you..

(home should feel safe...comforting...warm...and familiar..
only now you make me feel damaging...uncomfortable...cold...& unfamiliar..)

~~~

deprived of your gentle touch..

the warmth of your ivory skin,

violet veins beneath the surface..

(was it all a facade?..
i thought i knew which was which..
"i feel like you don't know me . . .)

~~~

i feel pale.

fevered flushed cheeks; a warm cinnamon..

celestial confetti decorates my skin..

i yawn. sleepily walking through a soiree..

i look for you.

but i can never find you anymore..

i reach out my hand and . . .

~~~

. . .i fall to the forest floor..

it's quieter than usual.

snowflakes drifting down, lightly dusting the frosty limbs..

the bridge we once crossed, what was on the other side? . .

~~~

am i really afraid of losing you?

or am i afraid of losing them?

or am i only afraid of losing myself . . .

~~~

which is worse?

i ask myself:

mourning the loss of a loved one who is no longer with us..

or mourning the loss of someone who is still breathing, loving & living on somewhere without you?...

my melatonin kicked in strong & the last thing i remember seeing through the sleepy haze was a bright & golden 11:11 staring boldly back at me, demanding to be wished upon...
i made a wish but i can't remember what it was.

i crafted my heart into carefully selected diction for you, you said it meant more than i'd ever know to you...if that was true then why did you let me go?...

were you just an undercover bad boy, a face behind a masquerade mask? were you just sweet because you knew i always have a sweet tooth, because you knew you should be? were you remarkably thoughtful because you knew i was too, so i could think we were cut from the same cloth?...

i wake up every morning & wonder if you still think of us & how it all took a turn so soon. do you still think about the fun we had? do you still remember how we could never say goodbye before midnight with messy hair & flushed cheeks? do you still think about the stranger smiles & glances shared between two, the way the peach wine made me dizzy or the way you held my hand against your stick shift...

i gave you my everything because i knew you appreciated it...i gave you my all because i knew you loved it...because i knew you wanted to see it, know it, have it, want it, need it, keep it...

but were you just an undercover bad boy, just another face in the sea of strangers? were you just another narcissistic sociopath with an ulterior motive posing as a regular? were you just another walking heartbreaker, was i just another pawn in your game? was it all just a game?...

i remember thinking you were mine forever, and i can't say that you loved me because you never got there, but tell me darling why, why did it feel like you did?...

i was honest, i was true...i was falling without a clue...i was brave, i was bold...i was new, and you knew...i was me, we felt free...we were real, we were deep...we were vulnerable, we were everything they all wish they had...

please tell me darling that you were never just an undercover bad boy...tell me you were everything you showed yourself to be...that you were exactly who you told me you were, & that your feelings were true...tell me you meant every word, every dance, every song, every smile, every kiss, every touch, every glance...

I'm tired
of living in constant
trauma
from innocently loving you

I'm tired
of living in constant
pain
as my consequence for loving you

I'm tired
of worrying about
not having my family by my side
as punishment for loving you

I'm tired
of feeling like
everything but
myself...

Anger

Grief

Sadness

Impatience

Unkindness

Hop­elessness

Shame

Wrongful

Disappointing

Beyond repair

I'm tired
of being called
names I don't dare write
by those who say they love me

I'm tired
of the judgement
I've received from those whose
opinion I value most

I'm tired
of the abuse I had to
endure (still)
& then be told I
"did it to myself"

I'm tired
of living like this.

I'm tired.

This is not like me.

I'm tired.

I cannot do this anymore.

I'm tired.

I miss myself.

I'm tired.

I'm tired of not being happy.

I'm tired.

dear j,

"i want to feel all that love and emotion...be that attached to the person i'm holding...someday i'll be falling...without caution...but for now i'm only people watching..."

have i really messed this up this badly? . . .

a friend tells me you've moved on already. . .

is this true? . . .

refusing to even consider the mere notion. . .

"what do they even know about him?"
i try to justify..

but what do i know about you? . . .
what do you choose to show me? . . .

what do they even know about me?...
nothing compared to what is.

what even matters now? . . .

what matters to me doesn't seem relevant or significant if you no longer long for me the way i long for you . . .

i want you to know that this is painful.
i sit here waiting for you to say what you really mean...
maybe you just don't want to hurt me. . .
but i assure you that keeping me here not loved is worse
than being honest and leaving me behind..

...wish you would tell me the real reason why...

...wish you would tell me...

...real reason...

...why...

you can't say i didn't tell you to tell me things...
it wouldn't be true.

...bare wrist...

do i get to love you?
do i get to live alongside you?
do i get to press my lips to your neck & feel the warmth of your touch..
do i get to be the only one...
do i get to have you..

..or do i only get to watch you grow and love someone else from the sidelines...

"i want to feel all that love and emoiton...be that attached to the person i'm holding...someday i'll be falling...without caution...but for now i'm only people watching..."

sincerely,
d

I noticed my smile was real.

But why can't the words come out?

I noticed you looking at me.

Why can't my words
fall off of my tongue
in the exact order that I think them?

I notice your eyes look
greener in the sun.

Why can't I tell you to run?

I notice the soft wispy hairs
gently grazing my face
instead of your hand.

Why can't you understand
the pain that's lived within my chest
& thrived within my mind?

You pretend not to know.

I notice the way you fall silent
when you're waiting for me to say
something to break the silence
between us.

Have you run out of things to say?

Why can't I say something?
Anything...

I notice I thought I didn't have to, before.

what happened to lifetimes...

what happened to endless exploration...

what happened to forever never being enough...

i wonder if
you still read
my poems
or if you
stopped
when they
ceased to be
about you . . .