i'll miss the way
you used to feel so fond
for me..

only if you knew
how much i could
love you.

words.

turning my pain into words.

never to hurt

only to heal,

myself.

to help me process . .

help me cope . .

help me learn . .

help me grow . .

help me change .  .

help me feel & express

the mess that's tangled within . .

help me remember,

who i am.

i realize i don't have to end things

in order for my endless night to cease . .

i only have to keep waking up

until my sun finally rises with me .  .

i can learn to live

learn to survive

learn to thrive

in the darkness . .

blindly trusting

that the sun will rise again

through my seemingly endless night . . .

i had a smile on my face

a pep in my step

and a light that never left

it never even strayed...

i knew i was made for love

but no clue for a one like this...

felt i was too much or not enough

and that you'd eventually see that through...

"i am not leaving as long as you want me here...you're stuck with me"

you'd say over and over and over...

but no amount of repetition would convince me otherwise.

you'll see someday i thought...
one day you'll see i'm too much & you'll run away
as if it is bound to happen...

but until then...

You can tell someone
you love them
over & over
again.

But those three words
amount to
nothing
if your actions
never reciprocate
those feelings.

when i push him away
it is because i am scared
he will push me away again,
so i do it first
in hopes that
it won't
hurt
as
much.

i have to write this.
this is torturous.
[insert word i am not allowed to say here]
this is all your fault.
joy...happiness...
something i do not feel now,
something i haven't felt in
twelve days since we let go.
takes a lot to get there,
joy...happiness...
takes leaving what once made me
joyous...
takes leaving what i once made
happy...
to get somewhere i can maybe,
just maybe be joyous and happy
then, now, and always.

you have finally found happiness...

now that i am no longer in your picture...

i am unsure that i want to be with someone
to whom my
existence... non-existence...
presence... absence...
casts not a shadow of a difference
in their life...

i need someone who feels the same as i do...

i need someone who feels just as hard...

just as deep...

someone who wouldn't leave me just because i am not well...

abandon me when i need them just because it is an inconvenience for them...

a burden...

you can let me go, if you must...

you may let me go, if you must...

you've been okay without me...

you will be okay without me...

I could have stayed there
staring deep into your blue eyes
as the warm wind blew strands of your
light brown hair across your forehead..

I would have stayed there
as we silently looked into each other
for a sign that
everything would be okay..

I should have stayed there
gently holding your hand
making sure you know
I have always loved you
long before I met you...

i pry myself from my bed.

i skip the shower
and i wash my face with only water.

i brush my teeth
and tie my brown hair back
with that small beige hair tie
i let you borrow that one day..

i lay down in the soft lights . . .
drowning in thick, heavy blankets.
a single tear falls from my left eye,
streaming down my flushed cheek,
and pools in my ear..

i sit up..
unable to breathe.
sweat covering my back...neck...chest...arms...legs...all of me..
praying this was only a fever dream.

trying to accept a painful truth.
he does not want me
he does not want me. . .

i lay back down..
forever in my dreams
and never to be next to me again..

i want to be there..
but you made me feel so bad
for feeling everything as hard as i do..
one thing i thought you loved about me. . .

my heart is running off of fumes..
i won't be able to make it..
it's been through an unspeakable journey
for you...because of you...and with you...
waiting to feel like you want to protect it...
but you can't protect it from yourself.
i want to protect yours from all the hurt this world wants to do unto it...
but i cannot protect yours from myself either . . .

but what comes next?...
what will we do now...
what will happen next...
and what are we now?...

where are you running to?
what are you running from?
why are you running?
are we yet to begin or are we all done?

i pretend that you're gone
just to get through my day

i pick the daisies from my lawn,
he forgets me, he forgets me not
just to get by, darling tell me this isn't the only way?

i know why it hurts this much..
it's because you loved me so hard.
how could i not see it?
i loved you so hard.
could you not feel it? . . .
but now it's too late..
you're gone..
"i'm still here.."
you're gone . . .

I call out for you
reaching my hand out
to pull you out
from under...

You don't seem to hear me
nor do I feel you want to

I ask everyone around me
"Have you seen him?"
. . .
"Do you know where he went?"
. . .
No one seems to know
nor do I feel they want to tell me

Why are you slipping away?
Was I right all along?
Will I make you realize
I am not what you
thought you loved?
Will I make your eyes see
who I really am
to watch you turn around & walk away. . .

My hand pulls back
as I fall into the black void
between vivid dreams & waking life

Toss & turn..
but when I wake,
will I still be dreaming? . . . . .

waiting for
the day
where my
vulnerability
feels
like a
strength
instead of a
weakness

Time is a thief,
I learned today

Where were you
as I took the bullet?
("I do care")

And the second one?
("I do care")

And the third one?
("I do care")

And the fourth one?
("I do care")

Will I be alone
if there's a fifth?

Why did it take this long for you to suddenly want to be there?
Where were you when I needed you the first time?

"We're just friends."

Haunted by words.

You may as well be the one
pulling the trigger.

You forget that saying nothing can be more painful than saying something hurtful.

And time is a thief,
I learned today.

Will we do something we'll regret or
will we not do something & regret it?

I want to feel like you want to
know me.
see me.
hear me.
protect me.
love me.

Bright & certain
in the beginning of the Before.

And where will you be?

Where will you be...

Longing
to be
walking freely,
barefoot on the warm pavement,
feeling the bumpy pebbles beneath my feet,
and gentle breeze through my hair.

Wide-eyed
gazing up towards
the bright burning stars
peering through the palm leaves.

Am I alone in feeling this?

Longing
to be
wandering about
a city I used to know.

Curious and adventurous,
ready to discover
new sands
new songs
new sights
new seas

Am I alone in feeling this?

Longing
to be
daydreaming, walking alongside
the edge of my grandfather's
mini pond
full of stone koi fish.
Balancing,
stretching my arms out beside me
as the warm summer sun
kisses my skin.

Am I alone in missing this?

Longing
for
simpler
days,
simpler
worries,
simpler
thought­s,
simpler
life.

And now realizing,
it doesn't have to be a distant
memory of the past,
but can be made
and found
in the right here.
In the right now.

if i woke up
and didn't remember
you...
would you
make me fall for you
all over again?
A chance to love
each other again...
a beautiful hope
with endless possibilities...
or would you
take the opportunity
to become
a stranger...
unacquainted...
unfamiliar...
falling into the background
instead of for me? . . . . .

sitting here
surrounded by loved ones
...yet i feel so
alone
and so unloved.

hands trembling.
it's all becoming too much
to bear by myself..

a single tear drop
falls and gently
makes its way down
my cheek...

flickering yellow flame
beside me..
waiting.

i shut my mouth tight
and take a deep breath in...
when i have it in my control
i part my lips
and let out a
long
breath
out...

here i am
spending
hours upon hours
studying
mental health...
and here i am
STRUGGLING
and
s t r u g g l i n g
and
struggling
to
just
breathe
for myself...

who sees?...
who hears?...
who even ******* cares?...

i have screamed
for help...
jumped up and down,
waving my arms in the air...
reaching out for anyone's hand to grab a hold of...
i asked the one
i trusted most for help
and still . . .
no one
seems to hear me . . .

selfishness
its labeled...

am i a hypocrite
for studying
mental health
and
drowning
in my own
mental illnesses?...

i do this because
i know
what the pain feels like...

i do this because
NO ONE
should ever
have to feel this
alone
in fear
and without help...

i will protect you...

i will help you...

i will get through this not only for myself... but for you...


.

i feel pale.

fevered flushed cheeks; a warm cinnamon . .

celestial confetti decorates my skin . .

i yawn.
sleepily walking through a copper monochrome soiree . .

i look for you.

my glassy hazel-brown eyes
fixating on every pair glazed over in the room
until they meet your crystal baby blue . .

but i can never find you anymore . .

i make a fist in my sweater sleeve
and find a deep cerise-colored stain
on the seams at the wrist . .

your pain is my pain . .

the withering wintery world whirling outside . .

the simultaneously lavish and monotonous lush
pressing within the lofty walls . .

i close my eyes tightly . .

inhale deeply & exhale quietly . .

i reach out my hand for you . . .

i'm reaching out my hand for you . . .

I had all of you

I wish I had you for the most part

I have some of you

I feel like I have none of you

I'm afraid if you had all of me
you'd want to go back to having only
some.

"You cut out a piece of me
and now i bleed internally
left here without you...
without you...
and it hurts for me to think about
what life could possibly be like without you...
without you...
it's gon' be hard here on my own
and even harder to let you go
i really wish that we, could've got this right..."

it isn't always about
impressing anyone

but more about
impressing ourselves

self-image

it isn't always about
being pleasing to the eye

but more about
being comfortable in our
own flesh and blood

self-expression

let's let it be
more
celebrating
more
emphasizing
more
accentuating
more
embra­cing
what we fail to see that we already have

let's let it be
less
hiding
less
covering
less
masking
less
modifying
what we fail to see as
b e a u t i f u l.

self-worth:

it isn't always about
not seeing our worth
or not feeling good enough

it's more of
knowing our worth
and adding to it.

self-love:

it isn't selfish.
it's  n e c e s s a r y .

we cannot love another
without having loved
ourselves first.

no conditions.
no expectations.
no judgement.
only forgiveness.
only empathy.

self-knowledge:

one cannot know another
without having gotten to know
oneself first.

to know is to
see
listen
look
hear
seek
understand
learn
adjust
grow
forgive­.

there is beauty in all of us.
the greatest tragedy is
to be convinced otherwise.

no more hiding,
only embracing.

no more separating
ourselves
from who we are.

our idea of "perfection" does not exist.
you are imperfect
and that is perfect.

Others don't know how fortunate they are to be able to do something as simple as watching the sun sink across the horizon with the one that they love.

I no longer care if the maximum dose
has a side effect of nightmares
of you not loving me,
I would rather be asleep
than feel this with
my eyes
open.

"There's a possibility
All that I had was all I'm going to get...

So tell me when you hear my heart stop,
You're the only one who knows.
Tell me when you hear my silence,
There's a possibility I wouldn't know.
So tell me when my sorrow's over,
You're the reason why I'm closed.
Tell me when you hear me falling,
There's a possibility it wouldn't show..."

do you truly love me
and want to be with me
or are you only lonely
and anyone
will suffice?...

i'm so busy trying to be a home for someone else
that i forgot what it feels like to be a home for myself...

How is it possible
to experience something
that has never
happened (yet?)?

one.
my own blood abhors me.

two.
i will always remain
myself
and there will always be
others
who will paint me with colors
on their own palette
while wearing one-way mirror lenses.

~~~~~

our love & forgiveness
is not the same.

your words won't hurt me anymore.
because i know that they aren't true.
our mother taught me that.

i know what i know . . .
i know what i feel . . .
i know why i feel it . . .
i know what i know . . .

we are not the same.

i have seen what hate does.
so i never let it do it to me.

i see the bad & the ugly,
and i choose not to treat others
differently because of it.

because that is what He would do . . .

because that is who i am too.
we are not the same.

i can hate what someone does,
but i will never hate them.

we are not the same.

i choose to love.

i choose to not let it
eat me up from the inside out.

i choose peace within myself.

yet you see it as stupidity . . .
and arrogance . . .
and blindness . . .
and weakness . . .
and cluelessness . . .

but i know that it is my biggest strength.
i cannot shatter anymore . . .
i surprised myself.
(this is not a crime)

simultaneity.

it won't bother me.

i am sorry that you choose to let it do this to you.
i cannot convince you . . .

i can and will always be what i am
and there will always be one.
(why did it have to be you? . . .)

i will grow and change but remain the same,
deepest.

i choose to see & love anyway.

though, i don't choose to stay
where i am repeatedly hurt,
no longer loved,
manipulated,
invalidated,
minimized . . .

i can be
sensitive
and
strong.

i can be
quiet
and
intelligent.

i can be
unapologetically myself
and
humble.

i can be
protective
and
vulnerable.

i can be
sightful
and
loving.

we are not the same.

but i hope one day we will be.

The wind carried the music away
as we walked side by side.

That way you looked into my eyes
from time to time
like there was nowhere else you'd rather be
than next to me.

The wind carried our laughter away
as your shoulder brushed against mine.

The way we could just simply walk together
with no destination
& be perfectly content
was everything I could possibly long for.

I've found myself hiding
the moments
when I feel weakest
from you.

I want you
to see all of me,

but I sometimes
fear that if you saw me at my lowest,
you would
look down

and won't see how strong
I really am
& can be
anymore.