DElizabeth

DElizabeth Aug 2023

the day is young
the night is lonely

my dear, i know it's still too early
but never to know that i want this

"had too many close calls tonight"
but 1 missed call from me

"gave me no compasses
gave me no signs"

is it true?
it's me and you?
can i come out of this blue? . . .

i don't want to be your summer girl
i want to be your forever girl

is this going to be a repeat?
tell me now so i can just back out...

before it's too late,
should have looked for the signs
before i took the bait

"i miss you", i type
but find myself backspacing

heart skipping
mind racing
breath-chasing
legs pacing

i don't want to bother you
i don't want to bore you

i know you're busy
but darling, he was "busy" too . . .

i don't want to be your summer girl
i want to be your forever girl

is this going to be a repeat?
tell me now so i can just back out . . .

before it's too late,
should have looked for the signs
before i took the bait

DElizabeth Aug 2023

Cereal Milk

my screen lights up
with your notification
as i drink my cereal milk

i don't even stop myself
& wait
or play it cool
i just answer it

i look him in the eyes
and tell him we're done for
& platonic is the new us...

because love, you and i
it's you and i
forever & we're setting the
world on fire with what we've got

as the whole crowd sings, screams, & swoons
all the little lights twinkle & twirl
as we sway to the way we feel...

and all at once everything feels
real & surreal
authentic & mock
true & false
beautiful & tragic
hopeful & helpless
optimistic & pessimistic
simultaneously...

my beltloops were made
for your thumbs to rest in,
pull me in closer,
& hold my hips tight.

there's been a lot of war
in my head lately
but with you, love
it turns into peace.

i never used to
just pick up the phone
i never used to
sing in front of others
i never used to
let someone see me cry
i never used to
trust this easily & never this soon...

but with you,
i just answer the phone, love...
with you
i just do. . .

DElizabeth Aug 2023

unfinished business

i should be thinking of him
not you.

i guess i must still miss you because
i am sleeping with my head where my feet usually are,
and i don't do that unless my depression is acting up.

i was a one-track mind
with nothing but you
going round and round
on my baby blue crosley.

but you always had everything else
that wasn't me on your mind.

even now you're still a
rare breath of fresh air

"i'm usually good with parents,
except when they hate me.
but i can't blame them
because i wouldn't date me"

and i still talk to you
but your pale blue eyes
don't make up for your
stone cold heart

and i can't help but wonder if
i helped make it that way.

i didn't know it was possible to
miss someone
even though they're right next to you.

i wanted to be your
17th & last
and after all we've done
they can call it what they want,
but i will never be able to rewrite the past.

you were my reputation
from the beginning
middle
and end.

maybe i am
more fun to miss than to be with?

there are things i didn't get to say to you,
things i will never say now
because i can't
i shouldn't
but also because i no longer want to...

we were always better at talking with our eyes
anyway...we were fluent in silence.

the way a mere graze could set our souls afire
but we have to put that away now.

i want you to try...
i want you to try...

try to get better
try to move on
try to forgive me
try to remember
try to allow love in
try to feel & feel it deeply,
don't hold it back...
try to just say things,
because the other person
may be dying
to hear your words...

and i will try
to make sense of this
unfinished business.

DElizabeth Aug 2023

lost in translation

he was avoidant
i was anxious-ambivalent

and somewhere along the way we got lost in translation.

he was the rational to
my irrational

i was the bright yellow sky before dusk
and he was the deep indigo when it's past bedtime

and somewhere along the way we got lost in translation.

he was the dark
and i was the light
yin & yang they used to call us...
we were complementary colors
disguised as human beings

he was the midnight sky full of bursting stars
while i was the pink vast sunrise beaming through the clouds

but instead of his hands up in my hair
and me against the drapes
we only got left with scars and scrapes

you fooled me one last time
i thought we had it
i thought we will make it..
i thought you were going out with a BANG
but it turns out it was just me walking out with a bruise

a bruise on my heart
good thing they heal over time
because i know i left plenty on you too, darling...

i thought we had it
i thought we will make it
i remember the first look you gave me,
those sad pale blue eyes
just begging for me to love them...
i gave you my all, love
you gave me your all..

and somewhere along the way we got lost in translation. . .

DElizabeth Aug 2023

from up here

i went for a walk barefoot
in the middle of the night.

the first thing i noticed
was the scent of the dap earth beneath my sore feet.

the warm-cold concrete was like an old friend,
constant & comforting.

the wet cold grass
where i stood to take it all in...

i could smell the soft sweet citrus lingering from my conditioner in my hair, wrapping around me as the wind swept it up & away through the midnight breeze...

i stood there facing the street lamp at the corner of my street,
with my hands fallen limp to my sides,
closed my eyes & allowed myself to lose all sense of a tangible existence...

all i could smell enveloping my senses
was fresh-cut grass,
damp brown earth with a hint of sweet dirt & autumn hanging around the corner, coming out at any moment...
long nights & high school football games,
late nights drinking milkshakes & eating cheesy fries until the diner kicked us out...
crisp air filling my lungs as i took a deep breath in with my nostrils flared open to inhale as much of this beautiful, sensational scene...

when i come inside i think of you again.
shadows dance on kitchen walls
& dark vivid memories of you backing away from me with your hands up like i am some sort of officer coming to arrest your every boundary with no intention on returning them...
dark fading echos of your voice screaming...

i forget how to breathe when these memories come flooding in...
i forget how to breathe...

but i don't see it that way anymore...

i see us sitting on that bench with trees surrounding us,
side-by-side & shivering, talking about us & how we're going to make it out of this alive...

i can still see you with your hand placed gently on my knee as we sit at our spot behind the mall, sharing the summer's sweet strawberries from one fork...

i can still see you standing there in front of me in the pouring mother's day rain, in your black hoodie with your hands in your front pocket moments before our souls collide as our lips came together for the first time...

i can see you as you lean against your car with soft clumps of snowflakes falling between & all around us, and that tiny one that landed on your soft brown brow...

i can see us as we fogged up the windows in my car from talking for hours about anything & everything...

i see you with your head tilted back as your eyes close completely when you laughed at the funny noise i shouted in the parking lot just to be goofy...

i look up & i can see stars from up here

i can see you & all that we were

i can see light, the same light i had before you

i can feel everything i thought i lost from up here

i can hear songs from during you & notice that i don't cry anymore

i can taste the sweetness from knowing we don't have to resent each other...hate each other...forget each other...pretend the other doesn't exist.

i can feel the relief settle from our shoulders because the war has come to a truce

i can see the future from here, but this time bright & clear, far & near...

i can feel myself becoming more & more

i can feel the hurt & wounds spinning into healing & scars

from up here i can see myself bounding & bright, vivacious & bold, vibrant & radiant for the first time in a long time, i'm okay...

from up here i can see you...happy & for the first time in a long time, you're okay...

from up here i can see us walking, side-by-side...laughing, talking, nevermore strangers, & for the first time in a long time, we're okay . . .

DElizabeth Aug 2023

after you

just because we want something to be perfect
doesn't mean it will be...

maybe that's how we were.

the you closure we want
will never be the closure we get...

the perfect ending, with you as my end game...
who is to say.

it's weird writing this halfway-healed instead of muddled in the sadness & madness of wanting you & wanting you to want me...

and how am i supposed to summarize
everything we had
in one poem?
or 2 million poems for that matter?

i don't think these kinds of things
are meant to be summed up with words...

words get in the way
of how things truly are.
of how people really feel.

i wanted words to your (in)actions...
a bite of closure
even if it broke me...
even if it was telling me what i already knew...

but it was a bite you couldn't give
& darling believe me when i say
i did everything i could to understand why...

i see you now...
i know you now...
i hear you & even everything you don't say...

because we were always good at knowing exactly how each other feels...what each other is thinking without a single word needing to be said...

and how am i supposed to summarize
everything we had
in one poem?
or 2 million poems for that matter?

i don't think these kinds of things
are meant to be summed up with words...

i think these kinds of things
are meant to be remembered
by those passionate moments
those painful memories
the way we came into existence
& the way we fought to stay there
until we just couldn't...
until we just couldn't.

DElizabeth Aug 2023

during you

we found each other

when neither of us were looking.

unaware of it at first but then we collided full force & without a doubt that this could work.

one look into each other's eyes & we knew just how we felt. we knew what we were thinking with not a single word needing to be spoken.

you were always the one i would look for in a crowded room...and when i found you, it's like everyone & everything else would fade into the background & fall away...

like nothing. else. mattered...

i told you i wanted you...all of you & all of your darkness as well as light.

i wanted to know you...really see you.

and when i finally did, i still loved you...

when you saw the real me, you couldn't love me back...

sweet memories quickly turned sour...
& was it even our fault?

was it even our fault?...

a relationship turned "situationship"...

there's never simplicity only complexity.

there's always so much to say & no time to say it.

or if there is time, there's no idea on how to express...

i understand you.

i hope you understand me.

i like to think i know you best.

i tried to integrate myself into you but it only scared you away more...

i see you...

i like to think you see me too
but this time you acrually like what you see...