i had a smile on my face

a pep in my step

and a light that never left

it never even strayed...

i knew i was made for love

but no clue for a one like this...

felt i was too much or not enough

and that you'd eventually see that through...

"i am not leaving as long as you want me here...you're stuck with me"

you'd say over and over and over...

but no amount of repetition would convince me otherwise.

you'll see someday i thought...
one day you'll see i'm too much & you'll run away
as if it is bound to happen...

but until then...

tummy aches

& bad dreams.

lightning storms

& rolling thunder.

blankets piled high

& frost-nipped toes.

fears yet to be discovered

rational or irrational?

nightmares of obsessing over what to wear

meanwhile you aren't thinking of me . . .

night terrors of overthinking myself

but your parents don't like me after all.

i wake up

i wake up

wiping a warm tear from rolling down my flushed cheek

& i am relieved

but proceed with caution now . . .

these are the bad dreams that are far more frightening, because they feel far too real. . . far too possible. . .

i sit up & get a glimpse of my clock as the moon watches me, bold & bright, from it's place in the vast indigo sky, staring right at me, wishing it could provide any kind of comfort but knows it can't.

the night is slow & still too young,

but i hope that it's okay that i am thinking of us . . .

so much that has yet to unfold

& we said we have all of the time in the world,

we said there's no need to rush,

but darling i feel the urge to let you know

that i want us to last

i want us to last

i want to have something to hold

something to fight for

something to protect

something so soft but so sure . . .

& i know it's been a while

but i want something real

something honest

something unbreakable

something resilient

darling, i want to bounce back stronger with no one else but you . . .

i've done my time

i've payed my dues

i've looked for years & found what i want

what i need

what i desire

& then you stopped by

just to say hi

& changed the way i look at everything . . .

i've had my days

i've changed my ways

from parties & plays

to long dreamy summer days . . .

i've had my expectations

i've had my demands,

i've had my moments & mistakes

my passions & pitfalls . . .

i lost myself

in order to come back to a stronger & perpetually evolving imperfect version,

always simultaneously a

work in progress

and a

mastermind masterpiece

an effortless work of art that dove straight through endless golden summers full of pipe dreams & rose-colored lenses

to falling straight into the arms of seemingly endless rainy gray days full of melancholy, pining, & heart aches . . .

i've served my sentence

i've asked my questions,

but most importantly i've gotten my answers.

every last one of them, but you . . .

i just need to know now darling, am i the something you want too? . . .

can i be your everything, nothing more nothing less? . . .

& if you say yes, would it be the truth & nothing but the truth? . . .

darling, can i be yours & you be mine,

constant & 'till the end of time? . . .

i'm ready to risk it all

& take the fall . . .

to trust you & put my heart on the line,

to be yours & make you mine . . .

i'm willing to put it all in the past,

so darling, please tell me

do you want us to last?

~

it has only been a few weeks,
but we confess it feels more like home
than anything & to our surprise

my body sinks deeper and deeper into
slumber & safety within your warm & familiar embrace,
my mind, a now soundless space as
my heart reaches a state of harmony alongside it

& even as we lay still & silent,
firm yet gentle with one another
and we fall into reassuring peace full of newness,
i don't have it in me to reach up & touch you . . .

everything i touch shatters or stains . . .
and i couldn't sleep at night
knowing that.

as we lay in perfect silence
wrapped within & folded into each other,
no one but the
incense that has fallen onto your dresser
& your ceiling painted a pale color i barely remember
witness this innocent scene . . .

your hand slowly reaches up
& grazes my chin, raising it to meet your sleepy gaze

hearts racing but beating just the same,
foreheads barely touching

our lips softly come together,
and for the first time in forever
i feel free . . .

when you kiss me
everything else fades to gray,
the rest of the world falls away,
all sense of time, lost
i can't remember how to breathe
& i suddenly forget how to move . . .

it's different this time, here with you

everything that once shattered & stained by my touch now shimmers & shines . . .

i feel your hands move slowly
as they touch me in ways
that used to hurt but now only heal . . .

i want to stay here
like this
with you

i want to feel this
right here
right now
& every day
from here on out . . .

~