I'm angry that you're gone.
And I'm angry that when
Before
I thought of you
It was happy and exciting.
My best friend,
You always made everything easier.
And I'm angry now
After
The thoughts and memories
I have now only bring sadness
And devastation at my lose.
I'm angry that losing you
Changed my reaction to your memory.
The lose of you
Changed my entire world,
Changed me so drastically,
Who I was before
Well
She died with you.

Our lives intertwined for years.
How do i let that disapear?
How do i go,
When i want to stay?
How do i stay,
When you want to go?
Grasping at strings.
To hold on tight praying for wings.
And if i fall,
I'm afraid that'll be all.
How do i go,
When my heart wants to stay?
How do i stay,
When you're walking away?

I'll stay till you're gone.
I'll stay for far to long.

10 things you should know.
1. I am broken
2. But that broken doesn’t mean I am incapable or inadequate.
3. I am tough as nails; I don’t need anyone or anything.
4. In a more real sense # 3 is all lies it’s horseshit and I am aware of that but no one else needs to know that, I am tough but I am not infallible.
5. I fly by the seat of my pants unless I don’t and then then I’m so obsessive just get outta the way. Because in a very real sense I may run you over.
6. I’m quiet, but some days I am so quiet it can be deafening. And I am aware of how the silence can completely unhinge some people.
7. I will fight for you with such force no one will ever get to you, but I’ll never expect the same in return. And I know that this alone can irritate anyone, and even hurt them and insult them, but I can’t help it.
8. I don’t trust easy. And I won’t trust without 100% faith in them.  And that faith comes with a price; I have minimal friendships or connections because of it.
9. I love fast and I love hard without walls, but I won’t tell you or express it well, I am really bad at that. I am aware of how bad I am at showing how much I care, but I think I do it subconsciously to protect myself, my pride in case they don’t love back.
10. I try. Every day I try to do better and try to be better. And I will try harder every day to be the best that I can be. And I know that leaves sometimes too much room for feeling inadequate, and never enough, but I also know I’ll always keep trying to be enough.

In the calm
That you resound in me.
From the vibrations of your touch.
Your love.
I look up at you.
And a fire
Ignites in my soul.
Raging from within,
And I'm on fire.
We're on fire.
And I hope we
Never burn out.

Among the rubble of my life,
I have found bright green vines.
Vines that have slowly kept together
My world by bringing in all of my broken parts.
Who knew something known as a ****.
A nuisance,
Would be my saving grace.
We should question less,
The beauty of something because people say it shouldn’t be so.
The beautiful things in my life,
Are often deemed weeds.

The amount of light
That I would need to
To conquer the darkness
That swirls beneath my skin.
Would require more
Light then the human eye can see.

What's it like to be broken?
I can see the question sitting
Upon your tongue,
Relentlessly trying to break free.

What's it like to carve your hurt
Into your skin?
I can see the disgust behind,
Your well placed mask.

What's it like to fail.
So flawlessly.
That not even you notice
That every new scar only adds
To the utter failure you've become.

As a daughter,
Mother,
Friend,
Human,
Lover.

Utter failure.
Devastating defeat.
Broken is a state of life.

In which we often don't know we are in
Until we are
Standing alone in a bathroom
Covered in the evidence of our own self hate.
Wondering
How can Anyone love me?

For surely if his family ever knew
Of the things I put my body through
They would think me a failure too.
And eventually he'd see it too.

We compete
So often with a world
We have never
Been in competition
With.

It seems to me that i have.
and will forever be.
A pixie of the scar demons.
Forever dwelling in the confines
Of my mind,
Requiring blood
In order to survive a world
that i feel as if,
I do not belong in.
How do i find someone,
Another demon soul like mine,
That will accept the fact that I,
am the one thing he can never
protect me from.

"I'm sorry" he says,
His head bowed.
"It wasn't supposed to be like this."

"That's the thing though, it's never
Supposed to be that way."
"Intentions often start out as good.
However,
They just evolve and change...
People change."

"I don't know what to say."
He stands there lost.
Reminding me of a defeated child.

"That 's okay.  I know what we no
Longer are. And I know what we have
Become."
And I hold out my hand,
"I'm Tessa.  It's nice to meet you."

Because that's what strangers do
When they meet for the first time.

When answering a simply question
Becomes a war in your mind.
But what if the answer
I give isn't the answer I meant.
Like a back and forth game
Of pass where no one wants
The ball to land on them.

How do you let go,
Of the control when,
Everything in you screams for you to
Hold on tighter to the
Answers to the questions
No one's asked you.

How do you let another human
Into the world you've built
So masterfully with all the rules
You've held so tightly too?
When your mind says,
They will only hurt you,
Take from you what you've built.
A wall so high fortified by tears.

However this little voice,
So much smaller then the others.
Blows through like the wind.
But what if,
The wall you've built,
The control you've mastered.
Keeps you inside,
With the monster you created.

The fortress you've built
Is only a dungeon covered,
In tissue paper flowers.
Artfully covering,
The bars on the windows and
The locks on the doors.

I'm grateful for who I am.
Even if it hurts,
To be her.

You are more,
Then you've ever thought
Yourself to be.
Stop holding yourself
Back,
With the idea that
You don't fit into a world

You were meant to
Change.