The pieces of me,
That were scattered among
The different tragedies
Of my life.

Have been glued together
With determination,
Tears and law defying persistence.

To create the patchwork
Beauty that I have become.
And every scar.
Every glued edge
I am proud to say
I survived that.

I am still here.
I am still fighting.
I am still...
Me.

You watch her walk away.
You don't ask her to stay.
The nights go on.
It seems so long.
Thoughts of her.
Of what you two were.
She should be here with you.
But,
The time you had you blew.
The girl you knew,
Well....
She hates you.

I can't breath.
My lungs are on fire.

Does it ever get any easier.
Reliving this loss
Or
Will I
Never function at normal again.
I relive your death.
Never getting past the desolation of loss.
God, how dare you.

Why him?
I know you could have taken others.
Tearing at my skin.
Hoping to find at least solid ground.
Other then the emptiness
Useless tears
Tearing at my skin brings at least air.

You leaving is my biggest loss.
Out of everything I'll ever lose.
Unfortunately I lost you first, miss you most.

My world is often dark.
With blurred lines of acceptable
Behavior.
My skin a frequent
Ever changing map
To my mental anguish.
But
The true secret is,
The map exists solely
So that I don't shut down.
So that i stay here, now.
So that I always have,
A way back home.

I'm tired of thinking about you.
I'm tired of missing you.
I'm tired of loving you.

I am tired.
I just want to hate you.
To stop spending time on you.
To move on with my life.

No one ever tells you though,
The most important knowledge,
The most obscene piece,
How the hell to let go.

To step back from the ledge,
Of this gone relationship.
Take a step back,
And walk away.

From you.
Us.
What we were.
What we no longer are.
To a new life.
A new way.

So this is my goodbye.
I love you.
But you love her.
And i wont sit in her shadow anymore.

Oh how I wish I could go back.
I wish that I could tell you,
It's going to be okay.

Every struggle you're in.
Every harmful thing,
Done to you.
It won't control you forever.

Oh my younger self.
I wish I could show you,
The future you will have.
The beautiful daughter you brought,
Into this world.

I can't tell you.
So present me stay present.
Don't faulter.
Do not back down.
Because despite the fact that you think,
You are never strong enough.
You,
You are stronger then you will ever truly
Know it need.

Stay prsesent, present self.
Do not look behind you.
Do not look to far forward.
Stay prsesent.
Your life us just beginning.

One of the most blissful parts of my day,
Is  getting in the shower that night.
And it's not for water or the warmth.
It's not for the quiet or the solitude.
It’s the smell.
The smell of you.
The soap you use to clean your body.
And it clings to the walls of the shower
Like ivy.
With the heat and the moisture,
It wraps around my skin,
Soaks beneath my skin.
And it's almost like this intimate moment
For you but without you.
How I’m adoring your scent,
Your existence,
Without your presence.
And I hope it tells you that,
Even when you aren't around.
Your presence is firmly seeded around me.
And I adore the fact that I get to spend,
However long you allow,
With your scent like ivy in the shower.

I pride myself on my strength.
My ability to always get up.
To walk away when I'm not appreciated.
I don't cry.
It takes more then mean words,
To hurt my feelings.

And yet.
When it comes to you.
The only person ever know to hurt me.
I can't just walk away.
I can't just get up.
I stand there, waiting.

Behind a door you only open,
When you need me.
Otherwise it's slammed shut.
Locked tight.
No matter how much I need you.
But I still stand there.
Waiting for the hour or two,
You'll give me once a month.

I pride myself on my resilience.
What the hell is it about you!
That I can't just stand up
Walk away.
And close the door on you?!

Love is a fickle thing.
It's great until it doesn't get its way.
When the object of the love
Is removed,
Love turns to decay.
Blackening the heart.
Without you here the love rots.
And decays.
Creating a black hole
******* the rest of the joy
And happiness in other parts of my life
into it.
And grief is what they call it.
Soul *******,
World crushing
Grief.
And the love I want to give to you
Turns to sadness with no where to go.
Rots and decays within my chest.
Until the grief swallows it whole.

We passed each other tonight
Along the back road in town
Heading in opposite directions
Unaware
Of our proximity

And that's how it'll be now.
Forever coming within breaths
Of one another.
But never reaching out again.
Never even wanting to.

Who am I?
Who am I to you?
When you think of me
When I brush across the fibers
Of your mind and wind between
The endings in your memory.
What am I,
Who am I to you?
When thoughts of me show up
Unannounced
At the forefront of your mind.
Are you happy to see them.
Or like the bad taste in your mouth
From stale sleep do you,
Brush me from your memory.
Did I leave an impact on you
And when that mark I left
Shows up in conversations
Is the mark I left good?
Is it like a warm touch to your shoulder
A smile on your face.
Or is it bad,
Like the after taste blood,
Leaving you feeling defeated,
Wishing you'd never met me?
Who am I to you?
What am I?
Friend or Foe.

I remember you.
We used to be so close.
Carefree.
I can't remember what happened,
Between you and me.
I whisper to the mirror.
I remember you.
But i dont know you anymore.
Who were you before?
Before tragedy?
Who would you have been,
Had that never happened?
I remember you.
I whisper to the mirror.
Before all the doubt.
Who would you have been?
I'm sorry,
You never got to find out.

Every happy moment
is always washed away
With the heart wrenching truth that
.....you aren't here,
you should be here.  

The devastating
Earth destroying
Drowning in sand
Realization that,
You'll never be here again.

My soul is a mixture of dark and light.
Intertwined like silk ribbon.
My mind a chamber
Of deep thoughts,
And random ramblings.
Our heart,
Both love and hate reside.
Never able to distinguish,
The very difference of the two.

Who am i?
But a constant work in progress.
Covered in white out and scratch marks.
Trying to survive a world,
Where I am both
Dark and light.
Love and hate.
An intricate web of unknown
Intentions.

You broke my heart.
You destroyed me.

But our souls,
Connected in a way,
That I know will never happen again.
A matchbox love,
Destined to combust.

Which is both good and bad.

I'll never love anyone else that much,
My heart will
Never burn with that desire.
But I'll never hurt,
To that point ever again either.

Living with depression and anxiety
Is like being sad and tired.
Its wanting to curl up in a ball
And sleep the day away.
But to anxious to do so
Because there is so much
That needs to be done.
Its crying in the bathroom,
And walking out with
Your head high and a
Smile that lights the room.

It's exhaustion.
Utter despair hidden behind
School projects and
Mega phone laughter.

It's being utterly alone,
Surrounded by loved ones.
Feeling completely invisible.
But unwilling to ask to be seen.
It is drowning in a room full of people,
With a smile on your face,
And no one notices when you stop
Breathing.

What have I done?
I remember the first time.
The first time i used pain,
To hey through the day.

What have i done?
11 years
Of ****** stains on the insides,
Of every pair of pants.

7 years without it.
Managing my life without pain.
And in one moment
In one decision.

I'm back where I started
Leaning on my pain
Thriving in my pain.
Cleaning blood stains out of pants.
And sheets.

Building upon my already
Abundant scars
Adding to the layers
Of broken
Adding to my broken

And I can feel my control slip.
And I remember why it was so hard to quit.
The first time.
Because this,
This is my addiction.
A persistent punishment
That I hate,,
And love all within moments of each other.

What have I done?

As you left me there drowning.
Turned your back as I was,
Gasping for air.

I was learning,
How to breath underwater.
Without you.

Loss.
The first time you meet her,
You'll never forget her.
The way she washes over you.
Sometimes a slow creep.
Other times,
A fast wave.
The sting of her smack,
Across you face.
The fear of her reappearance.
The destruction in her wake.
Every hole left behind.
Like black voids.
Every time she comes,
The pain never lessens.
Every time,
Leaving another empty space.
A black stain,
On the very essence of who you are.
Before long,
You're left with an entire self,
Full of black voids,
And empty holes.

You’re my light
When my world is black and white.
And I struggle to keep
The darkest parts of myself
At bay below the surface of my
Bubble like concious that seems
To Bob up and down like a pogo stick.
Constantly, consistently trying to
Escape the confines of the corner I’ve
Tucked it into.
You are my light.
When I become darkness.
Swallowed whole from the insides of my own mind.
You bring me back,
Without thought or effort
You bring me back.
And that deep darkness that slithered it’s way
From confines of my conscious
Slips back beneath the surface.
Scared away by the light.
The light stays a pale blue hue that
Glows in my chest keeping all the darkest
Of my darkness no where near my heart.
You remind me,
That this world isn't always darkness.
And even when I am darkness
And I a struggling just to survive,
There is always light.
My light keeper,
There with every storm.
To light the way for me,
Out of the darkness.
Out from within myself.
A little stronger then the time before.

I've run out of things
To say, to write.
I spend days thinking all day.
Never able to put them down on paper.
Conversations in my head.
This I should have said.

Of a life that's so broken .
That I don't want to,
Can't get out of bed.
Hitting snooze,
Until I'm already late.

But I can't seem to find the words.
To put on paper.
Of all the things I'd wish I'd done.
All the things I should have said.
Times I should have walked away,
And stayed away.

So I sit in my silence.
I sit in my revery.
And I will myself to find the words.
To explain to you,
How very much I wish I could hate you.