I may never be successful
should I feel like I'm supposed to?
I don't share the same ambitions
as many others do
slaving through their days
in a monetary excuse
I would rather die broke and lonely
loving what I pursue
than surrounded by acquaintances
loving that which isn't you.

I must be way too passive
I take all they have added
and multiply ten fold
until it builds up then explodes

I must forsake too much
its like an atom bomb I clutch.
as it grows within the wake
the destruction I calculate

Please run, for your own sake
   before my fair warning is too late.

You were once the sun
my world revolved around
but you left me shunned
and my orbit spiraled down

I suppose things wont transpire
the way I wish they had
and what I most desire
has slipped beyond my hands

So I will love you from afar
the way I always have
Even a universe apart
I just hope you know that

Animosity has faded
although disappointment still remains
I would rather feel this way
than replace it all with hate

All I put at stake
surpassed this mortal coil
but I'll leave it up to fate
to determine what is foiled

Sometimes,
     You have to let go
of the ones who take your breath away
      so you can breathe again
If you dont do this
     they just may
drag you into the murky depths
      of the abyss

I didn't realize it at the time
as I watched her pluck the rose petals
and simply reply "He loves me"
with each one
how easy it was for her
to destroy something beautiful
for no reason at all
and I fear one day she will succeed
at doing so to herself.

I see through my own *******
past where the guise lies
I play the tortured artist
but I can escape at any time

I have grown used to the cold
it is what I've come to know
its in my surroundings
it is what I hold

Why try to compromise
what I have come to like?
I will not subside
in what I see as trite

I may contradict myself
but at least I can admit
while everyone else
seems to buy into their gambit

It could be just me
or the company I keep
but it seems like everybody
loves most what makes them weak.

Maybe I'm slipping
Maybe I've lost it
Maybe I feel I've exhausted the subject
Maybe I'm jaded and uninterested
unappreciated and full of neglect
Maybe it all is in jest over nonsense
Another trial
Another judgement
Another sentence thats already spent
Seek a different ruse
Perhaps a new muse
I need more abuse
and a brand new excuse
in need of this so I can persist
because right now its as if I hardly exist

I live inside myself
my own little world
I read my own books
and poetry
and listen to my own music
sure, I absorb others material
as much as I can
but I am only a lurker
looking over the Earth
silently
from my dark little island
gazing over seas
both digital and real
wondering how the others do it
Are they just good at pretending?
Are they really not as insincere
as they all appear?
These feelings, or lack thereof
are thrown up like smoke signals
from the fire inside me
hoping another
might see or hear
with eyes, ears, heart, soul and mind
that are almost mine
to rescue me
from this strange illusion
of my own creation

I guess nothing was really lost
I suppose I only failed to gain
and everything I say
is just an attempt
to escape the pain
I'm sorry if I hurt you
I should not act this way
So instead I will thank you
for what I've learned throughout this phase.

Its time to change the subject
You wore this topic thin
I tire of the mindset
which Ive been dwelling in
How can one escape?
I cant outrun the echo
this chaos it creates
still screams within my soul

They tell me that its beautiful
They tell me that its sad
They say they wish they had a man
whos felt the way I have
but so little they know
They missed the simple fact
presenting love so powerful
is seldom given back

The story was already told
sold so long ago
ending is enclosed
with a tale that no one knows

Can I control the characters fate?
Can I make whats in store?
It seems as if I am too late,
how long should one fight for?

How much of my soul has it stole?
I fold the cover over
fable done, stand as one

Still the story hovers.

Sitting here as the end rears
wish to not close this book
far or near
We still adhere

and choose just not to look

Afraid to turn the page
its the last of this chapter
stayed for whats an age
chasing every letter.

Do I submit the ending blurred
or admit to this confessing?
Do I choose to include her,
or leave everyone guessing?

Do I pretend no tragic end
is worth a farther pressing?

This disconnected census
is masterfully oblivious
there is no comfort in listlessness
while drowning in indifference
Chemically imbalanced
any chance at repentance
in any single instance
is subtly dismissed
as I crush my heart inside my fist
while feigning interest.

Im better, but Im worse
for it no longer hurts
nothing seems to work
these senses cant be nursed

I finally succeeded
emotion no longer needed
My resolve has been depleted
affections are defeated

So long I wish I lacked
now I only want them back
for the pain which I enthralled
was better than nothing at all

Here I go again
giving another spin
a hotel room
a messy bed
empty bottle of gin
We laugh and lie
I stroke her thighs
and meet the eyes
colored a shade of why
but I must confess
shes caressing a carcass
twisted by his sins
even in such times
in know in my mind
where my soul would rather have been

You cant hurt me anymore
there is nothing left to harm
your charms no longer cause alarm
your spell has been disarmed

You cant hurt me anymore
What can you inflict?
little left to detriment
with your infectious gift.

All those pretty little 20-somethings
with adoration in their eyes
Whom I did not have the heart to tell
its destined for demise
Can now rest assured
I got what I deserve
I found a similar
to which I fell
on empty words.

Sometimes I wonder
if I should hang up
this straight jacket
that I label my art
the eyes that gaze upon it
seem to think I only dwell
upon the raw emotions
of pain that it reflects
like it is my only world
and maybe I'm starting to believe them
maybe it is.
a penny for my thoughts
feels of lesser value
I once continued
knowing that it only probably benefited me
a venting process
that helped me survive
and now I only question the advantage it gives me

The heart has its reasons
that go beyond reason
and all the mind can do is reluctantly question.

I was lucky
to have that once in a lifetime
feeling. .
that most probably never get the chance to
that feeling where time stops
and immortality arises
where nothing mattered but now
I just wasnt lucky enough
to keep it.

My heart is but a cavern
vast and dark
cold and haunted
Occupied by unknown
demons and monsters
and knowing
what may reside inside
that pitch black
you still lit your way
and journeyed inside
regardless
Your light scared away
those lurking
and you carved your name
into its stone walls
but then you left
the shadows engulfed
it once more
and the miscreations returned
I sit here alone
running my fingers
across the letters you left
I can feel them
but I can not see them
I know this cave is no place to dwell
or to sit and rot
but I wait here and hope
some day you will return
and rescue me from this blindness

How was I suppose to know
how deep these wounds would really go?
Sinking to a new low
for how cheaply I've sold my soul

Feeling like an animal
in a cage with no room to grow
Treated like a criminal
convicted of all that you stole

I am hollow
my time borrowed
die today
live tomorrow

Whys it so subliminal?
around these issues we tip toe
Pain is more than physical
from hitting bottom of this hole

Couldnt be more miserable
but I guess you reap what you sow
I suppose I'll let it go
and tumble on down this spiral

I am hollow
my time borrowed
die today
live tomorrow

Its the bed that I made
foot in the grave
whats left to save
with everything I paid?

Some things just cant be replaced
the look
the smell
the touch
the taste
Some things cant be rediscovered
by flocking to the arms of others
This rampage does me little good
although I knew it never would
it is more vengeance
than it is closure
from the days I used to hold her.

I seem to have a way
of making awkward look smooth
a trick learned throughout my days
methodology of swoon
Im not sure how it works
the whole borderline ****
a fabrication made behind
a sinister crooked smirk
because nice guys finish last
and in order to advance
one learns to discard their heart
to even have a chance

Is this the monster that you wanted?
Was this the demon that you sought?
Was the atrophy of my emotions
not your endeavor?
Is captivation of my soul
not enough?
Is the constant trample through my mind
not where you wanted to exist?
Melted by the flame of passion
and remolded like clay
into this hideous contortion
You have the rest
take the final piece
as I become indifferent
to all these feelings.

I know what I am. . .

I am uninterested
I am insecure
I am a manipulator
I am an introvert
I am a self saboteur
I carry a reputation for things
I dont even do anymore
who goes out of his way to hurt himself
and pushes away those who try to help
I act like a sarcastic *******
to ride the borderline
of seriousness
I am what the doctors would call
a high functioning alcoholic
I am a *****
I am lonely
I am seriously flawed,

but at least I am not you.

They own everything
the opinion of reliance
the feeling of dependence
the fear
the conformity
the instilled ignorance
and distraction of
the masses
eyes glued to the **** tube
watching political puppets
dance to their master scheme
the sidewalks I walk upon
the streets I drive
all the food I eat
the water I drink
the fires I ignite
the land I reside on
the schools I learned in
the lines I type this message through
even the most basic
human needs and commodities of life
they slap a dollar sign on
a dollar sign made and controlled by them
they own the people
who will eventually drag me away
because they can never have my heart
they can never have my soul
and most of all. .
they will never have my mind.

and it pains me knowing they own so much more
of the others surrounding me.

Why don't you tell me, what path we're on
We've been wandering so long
if its going nowhere
I've already been there

Its a place where no one cares

So I'm veering from this
steering towards the wilderness
I would rather take the risk
than go where nothing exists.

Throw your children to the fire again
and leave them to burn for all of your sins
Tangled in this wicked web we spin
with wars waged against ourselves that we cant win

Are we too numb to succumb to these feelings anymore?
Are we so apathetic that we forget whats in store?
Hoping, pleading
now in retrospect
Broken, bleeding
from all the neglect

Why should I stand with my heart in my hands,
just to see it get ripped from my grip once again?

And over again

Is this something we can not evade,
standing here upon our last legs?
Taught from the cradle to the grave
that this is the way we should be

The way we should be

Are we so bartered, brokered, bought and sold as if were ******?
Selling ourselves bit by bit, piece by piece to the core
Hoping, pleading
now in retrospect
Broken, bleeding
from all the neglect

Why should I stand with my heart in my hands,
just to see it get ripped from my grip once again?

And over again.

Is this something we can not evade?
Standing here upon our last legs
Taught from the cradle to the grave
that this is the way we should be

The way we should be


This one is the first single from my bands upcoming Hard Rock album, you can check it out at the link below if you'd like. Our name is Negative Feedback

**http://www.reverbnation.com/negfed

Im washing my hands of you
     with my own tears
Torn in two
   over wasted years

Im at a loss for words
I dont know what to say
it still remains unheard
upon deaf ears they lay

When did I lose the sun
where did I fold
what happened to everyone
where did they go?
Im here alone
on this long lonely road
where all that is golden
does no longer show

Caught in the winds of change
everythings strange
drifting past faces
that dont seem the same
Should I go back the way that I came
or let the winds carry me on through the grey?

Carry me on through the grey
to the blue I used to see

Losing my family
losing my friends
losing myself
as I lose in the end
losing the girl
losing my world
and losing my mind
as it spins and twirls.

Carry me on through the grey
to the blue I used to see

Caught in the winds of change
everythings strange
drifting past faces
that dont seem the same
Should I go back the way that I came
or let the winds carry me on through the grey?

**just a song Im in the midst of recording with my band, figured Id share it

I am no more afraid of dying
   than I was afraid of never being born
in this universal symphony
   I am just an underscore
these notes are falling flat
   the pitch is sounding off
Im softening the volume
   of this forgotten song

Nothing but a giver
surrounded by takers
My mind left in slivers
from figuring the fakers
I try to convince
myself they give a ****
at my own expense
Im proven wrong again
as if heartlessness
is a trait of the strong
waiting weakened, wishing
that my own was gone

I got it after he was gone
stringless and forgotten
I've picked at it for so long
writing songs of the downtrodden

Lord knows that he probably paid
a fraction of the price
not knowing history its played
without expert advice


My grandfathers guitar

its a National

it might need some work

its action is sub-par

blood stains and dirt

price is irrational

Id rather give my soul

theres no way in hell. . .

I would ever sell.


It is my only heirloom
found by accident
inside of a trashed room
given known Id relish it

Its still worth more than the sake
of what most think is right
and the tens of thousands it would take
is still not worth the price

My grandfathers guitar

its a National

it might need some work

its action is sub-par

blood stains and dirt

price is irrational

Id rather give my soul

theres no way in hell. . .

I would ever sell.

Women love a broken heart
they trove a tattered soul
They try to piece them back together
try to make them whole
or at least from my experience
it certainly seems so
but Ive surely been wrong before
dont take my word alone
Maybe if I forced the lie
and learn to play the role
Compromise once in my life
I could come to know.

I've destroyed myself so many times
Daily, at ease behind enemy lines
With only me, myself and I
amongst thieves, assassins, spies
picking at my enterprise
finding comfort in the lies
contorted truths, flow through just fine
and mine are the best of its kind
I have tried to question why
but my queries become sacrifice
Why should I try breaking ground
where life seems to be scarcely found?
How is one to build a home
with nothing but a stepping stone?

Some feelings fade
but mine sit in the grave
talking to a tombstone
wishing they could be saved

I guess I'll always feel like this
misfit with a stiff upper lip
who hides behind sarcastic quips
concealing what truly exists.

I try to tuck it all inside
these lines reserved for strangers eyes
which subliminally coincide
with crippling pride, and deliberate binds

lies a guise of compromise.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BeyGAPdSo78

(copy and paste to hear it)

I wrote this poem here awhile back, made it into a song. . . not what I usually do with my band, but wanted to share it none the less. Its still kind of in demo form.


I've been in the dark for so long
I fear I'll go blind in the light
the longer that you play the fool
the less they all believe your right
I'm hanging by my final string
and even thats unraveling
collecting all the fingers aim
when you're the easy one to blame

I only try to play the game
without the rule book that they made
and as I do I'm called insane
trapped inside their judgmental gaze
just go ahead and label me
I've heard just about everything
I don't regret what it may bring
because its who I chose to be

We all shall reap
the seeds we sow
keep counting sheep
don't watch them grow

Trying to beat
this undertow
go back to sleep
you'll never know

If the mind ceases to wander
if what is sane becomes obtained
or find what I am after
blow out my ******* brains

If I ever feel complete
or somehow feel content
if struggle becomes obsolete
leave my life force to be spent

If everything seems normal
and no awkward words are spoke
or this existence thought as formal
just slit my ******* throat

If I ever am fulfilled
or become satisfied
my resolve will be killed
and my drive will surely die

Nothing lost
nothing gained
everything remains the same

plain and simple
simply plain
still I play the same old game

Overtly numb
surpassing pain
wishing just to feel again

I try in vain
to make it wane
inflaming all which I maintain

Seeking release
searching for peace
from this savage masochistic beast

Ohh whiskey,

I love you so
the feelings come
and you make them go
until you bring them back
tenfold
and I wish to fight with every soul.

Ohh whiskey,

Why do you treat me such way
like every woman I've chose to lay?
My father tried to steal me away
from his entire bloodline
you chose to slay

Ohh whiskey,

It can't just be the Irish in me.

You tear down the walls
as I write so enthralled
only to regret it all.

You were just a tool
a device for me to use
an excuse
a morose and twisted muse

My artistic ruse
a scapegoat for me to point at
for my own self abuse
another bad habit

I knew your words were lies
So I figured why cant I?
A lustful premonition
a loveless alibi

I knew you couldn't save me
I knew you couldn't help
I always knew that your ambitions
only served your self

There was never an us
ever a you and I
there was never trust
just two criminal minds

So I chose to play the victim
labeled myself a toy
I see the colors of your prism
there was nothing to destroy


*I can only assume you ladies liked this because I'm obviously a terrible liar

I think that maybe
it may be just me
maybe Im the one
who fails to see
maybe it is me
who is blaming all the others
afraid to be just another
prone to the tragedy
Running forward blindly
worried that maybe
he may be the only
and chooses to be lonely

maybe it is only me.

My name wont be synonymous
with those who are oblivious
if you see not of my distrust
then you must not be one of us

When I wish I saw the future
I guess anyone would
but could you walk the same way
knowing that you should?
Leave me the mystery
and the uncertainty
it is the only thing
to remind me
that I am a human being