I wanted to marry you -- which is something I have never wanted.
You're talking to a --
"Independent
Don't need no
Stupid Man to make
me feel whole"
type of girl.

I wanted to have your kids-- which I always found terrifying.
You're talking to a --
"Those kids are
Real Cute
When I can
Give them back"
type of girl.

I wanted to runaway with you -- I never used to run from my problems.
You're talking to a --
"Face
Those Demons
Head on
And they will
Leave you
the **** alone"
type of girl.

Now I want to marry someone who actually loves me--
I don't want to talk to the--
"Wants to get
Married
because he's 28
And Life is  almost
Over"
type of boy.

Now If I have kids it will be with someone who will be there--
I don't want to have them with the--
"I'll be the best
Dad
Ever if you have kids
When I want them
only"
type of boy.

Now If i want to run away -- I'll run away with myself--
I don't want to run with the--
"Come to my
side of the country
Because I
Refuse
to come to your
State
Ever again"
Type of boy.

You're selfish.
I'm going to do me.

I'm typing in lowercase letters but dreaming in capitals.

i'm swallowing pills and alcohol to numb the pain hoping for solitude in a bottle.
you're cute, i think?
sitting over there at the bar staring at me like i could be someone you want to get to know.
you're cute, i think?
but baby, i'm just a drunk girl at a bar taking too many drugs to even care about what your name is so please stop talking.

you slide over a glass of scotch, neat and cold, disgusting as i drink it down.  
you keep talking about how pretty my eyes are and how cute my hair is and where'd i get that nice dress and why is a cute girl like you at a bar all alone.
please... stop talking.

your hand is creeping up my thigh, and I'm too numb to stop you
the pills are kicking in and you are starting to look like him...
If i drink a little more maybe i can stomach going home with you and drowning my pain with lust.
but for the love of god, please stop talking.

he left three months ago, took his clothes and a toothbrush and headed out.
he kissed my cheek... he said he'd be on the next train home as soon as he could and left with no explanation.
he's married now.
his kids are cute.
he named one after me... which is disgusting and i wonder if his wife knows.

you are still there... wonderful.
i take one last swig of liquor and grab your hand; stumbling from the bar and slurring my words.
i laugh, because it's cute when girls laugh right?
you smile -- and i really can't tell are you ugly or not?
who ******* cares.

i'm typing in lowercase letters dreaming in capitals.
i'm going to go home with this man and pretend he's you.

cheers to drowning out the noise in lust and liquor.

I saw Blue-- Blue skies and blue eyes.
Blueberries and Blue sheets.

I saw Red-- Red cheeks and Red lips.
Red shirts and bright Red Strawberries.

I saw Brown-- Brown Sand and Brown hair.
Brown shoes and that Brown carpet.

I remember thinking-- "I am more than this one night...I am more than his eyes all over me."
I remember thinking-- "I don't care... His lips taste sweet and his hair is so soft through my fingers."
I remember saying -- " Come with me to your bed where we can roll in the blue sheets as though were swimming in the sea."

I ripped off that Red shirt.
I fell slowly, naked, against his cold, Blue sheets.
And  I ran my fingers through his dark Brown hair-- thinking this... this is what love should feel like.

This is for you my best friend - the next time I see you I will be walking down the aisle as your maid of honor.
You will be getting married to the love of your life and you will have your first child in a month.

Weren't we just 14 a few months ago? Didn't we walk home from school laughing at dumb jokes that almost made us *** our pants?
Weren't we just 16 a few months ago? Talking about kissing boys we knew our parents would never approve of?

This one is for you my best friend- the next time I see you i have to remind myself that you've grown up.
That this man you're with has a child and you love him and you're not into going out anymore.

But weren't we just 14 a few months ago? Getting drunk in the backyard while we talked about our latest crushes.
Weren't we just 16 a few months ago? Talking about graduating in a few years and how we just want to be someone new.

This one is for you my best friend- The next time I see you, you will be moving to Boston in a month.
You will be finishing school and moving in a with boy for the first time in your adult life- someone you love.

I swear we were just 14 a few months ago, right? Making plans for college and the future that we had no idea would bring all this.
Weren't we just 16 a few months ago? Trying to dress better and planning our first tattoos and getting piercings because we were so punk.

Life changes and we have all grown up and taken so many separate roads I don't know where they cross and don't cross anymore.
This ones for all of you I hold dearest and true.
I just want you to remember... I will always love you!

Have you ever felt that unbelievable rush, the amazing excitement, the terrible fear of the unknown?
Have you ever felt that cotton mouth, palms sweaty, knees weak and heart heavy feeling?

I was in love.
With your green rolling hills and bright tree tops in the autumn air.
With your bright stars out there in the middle of grassy fields so wide and open.
With the memories laid out there on the pavement leading me back to your parents house.
With skyscrapers and cute shops running the lines of Charlotte.

I was in love.
With bright green eyes and sandy blonde hair turning darker each year.
With strong but soft hands that used to hold me in the night when i was crying and afraid to leave because I always knew.
With rain drops on windows and lakes between two states that held the best of you and I.

I was in love.
With an idea of you.
With the memories of you that were no longer real.
With dreams of you I had made up in my head.
With feelings that linger a little too long for comfort.

Have you ever felt the nerves bubbling in your stomach when you see someone you hadn't see in a long time?
Have you ever felt that simple joy and feeling of complete and total content when you hear it for the first time out loud?

I was in love.
With someone who didn't love me anymore.