I went on a walk today and as I looked to and fro between the breezy tree's and the sun shining against my pale white skin-- I realized you are not even thinking about me.

On this almost summer day, I walked for a little bit.
I let the air soak into my skin, I let the sun brighten my hair, and I let the weather affect me in the best way. I decided to let the earth have it's way with me for once.

I took a step into the gate where the pool laid silently and alone in my apartment complex. I slipped off those sandals I knew you hated when I wore them, and I smiled. I slipped off that ugly kimono I knew you hated and I laughed.

Because for that moment... that single second of me stepping into the cool water on that hot almost summer day... I didn't give you a second thought.  I didn't care about the things you hated about me. I didn't care about the things you loved about me.

I took a sip of the sparkling red wine I bought a few days ago, I sat in the pool, hair  up in a messy bun, water and sun  rejuvenating my body and soul in a way that you will never understand.

I sat there... and I thought... this is it.
This is how it feels to let negativity flow out of you and let love for yourself slowly in.

We have a lot of made up, Hallmark type of Holidays don't we?
We have so many things we are told we have to celebrate our whole lives.
May is here -  Mother's Day is here.
But what about the dirt-bag mothers?
What about the mothers who don't care about their children?
What about the mothers who gave their kids up?

I know it's selfish- it's childish- but you weren't there when I needed you.
You were drowning in a bottle of ***** in your bathtub.
I know it's selfish- it's childish- but you still haven't been there.
You are too busy living in your own issues to remember you have children unless it suits you.

I remember living with dad and my stepmom- she raised me.
I remember grandma helping us with homework- she raised me.
I remember calling my dad when I was sad- he raised me.
I remember asking you where you were after 6 months of not hearing from you - but you couldn't even answer that question.

After years of picking up pieces and telling people I didn't have a mother here I am.
I am 25 years old with a stable job and stable home.
You are 47 with nothing to your name except some **** and a broke down apartment you get free from the government.
I am 25 with my **** together- paying my own bills- working for a living.
You are 47 taking pain pills as if your life depended on them.

I hear a lot of people telling me to forgive you, but I am just now coming to terms with how messed up I am.
I hear people telling me " that's your mom" but I am just now realizing the extent of my mental problem you have left me with.

All I have to say is thank the world for my father and stepmom and grandmother-- the only family I ever needed no thanks to you.