I found you somewhere between the subway to heaven and hell.I felt like we were always destined to be lost together.

I saw you staring at your one way ticket and your empty luggage with such disdain and yet such curiosity.

I saw you cursing at the flickering light above you but pacing the hot ground below you & I couldn't help but wonder if we were headed to two different places for the first time.

It Was then you saw me leaning against the wall with my ticket in hand and my empty luggage. For the first time in years you looked at me instead of through me.

You said " please know... That no matter where I go, heaven or hell, PLEASE know I never meant to hurt you the way I did."

And I said those words... The ones I knew I needed to finally say. The words that I didn't even know I was holding on to for so long.
Three words that held such power to destroy or change.


I said..." I hate you."
And we went our separate ways.

He tasted like vanilla and reminded me of sweet summer nights and old worn out leather jackets. He was the rain on a hot day; the day you're usually begging for more from. I fell in love with him fast and quick. The let down was just as fast as I heard from a friend he hopped a train out of town & he wasn't seen again.

He tasted like fall. Fallen leaves and broken tree branches. Hints of spiced tea and buttered toast at breakfast. He had dark brown hair and bright green eyes. He was the apple cider with a shot of whiskey you ached for when you're roaming for the perfect pumpkin. I lost him in a corn maze to a girl with yellow hair, he smiled and said he was sorry. I heard they got married & have a baby on the way.

He tasted like ashes of a cigarette that wouldn't quite go away. He was sweeter than expected and awfully romantic when it suited him. He wore ripped jeans and this ugly orange beanie. He was cold though.. At times like a winter storm. His icy ways hit me in the face a couple times. Last I heard he was in Chicago now with some girl names Roxanne beating her like he did me.

He tasted like... Valentine's Day. Chocolates and red wine and rose petals on your bed. He smelled like cologne and wore his hair slicked back in that gentleman way. He rarely smiled but when he did it could have lit New York for days. He tasted like... Memories. Like walking down the hallway in school; smiling with secrets only you knew. He rarely laughed... But he did... He could have made symphonies jealous with that sound.

He's married now, two kids and a perfect house. He still wears his hair slicked back and I heard he doesn't smile much at all these days. I saw him once, he flashed that grin so ever lasting and for a brief moment...we both remembered the days when it was he and I against the world.

Lately I’m obsessed with the black and white photos of the world. The way they bring out the details you didn’t think you’d see in your life.
Lately I’m obsessed with the hidden greyscale of my life. The little spots or blemishes I didn’t know I had in between the cracks of my mind.

Lately I’m obsessed with knowing all I can know about how to forget my past. How to find those ancient remedies or dark coffees and fruity teas that will stop the pain in my heart for a little while.

Even though these obsessions seem so tiny compared to my big thoughts and wild dreams.. I can’t stop thinking of what’s next. Mystery lies on the horizon of my new obsession & how I will handle it.

One day I want to see you at my door telling me the things you never told me before. One day, probably a long time from now, I hope we meet again. On the same plane to some foreign city or the train across the country. But... If that doesn't happen I hope you remember our stories.

And one day maybe when you're grey and frail and your body is giving out on you... You'll think back to when you were young. You will think back to high school and all those days after will crash back into you. You'll think about love and pain and laughter and tears. You'll think about traveling and who came and went.

And one day, a long time from now I'm sure, you'll remember the girl you left in your hometown. You'll think about her and where she's at and how she's been. You'll ask your wife about her first love and tell her all about yours. Your kids will fall in love and ask about your heart breaks and tragedies.

And one day you'll tell them.
You'll tell them you didn't really know much but you knew about her. You knew that some people were meant to fall in love and not be together.

You're the person I could write ove sings about and if I could sing, if scream them to the world.
I would tell them about your sarcastic laugh and wildly outrageous humor that keeps me in shape.
I would tell them both those shady eyes that hide those feelings so easily except you can't hold them back really.

You're the person I could write sonnets about and ballads would blush when they read my words.
I would tell them bout the lips and how they made my body ache.
I would tell them about your arms and how they held stories in your tattoos.

You're the person I could easily be with the rest of my life.
Whether it was easy or hard I would be there.
Through thick and thin.

But you're just that person I keep close enough to remember that we could be something great... If only life worked that way.