Take my hand and we will run into the woods and forever roam the wild beyond. We can chase the moon and follow the ocean because We do not live by the rules if we do not want to!

Tell me stories about your childhood and your past lives if you remember them. Tell me about your future and the plans you want to make happen when we decide we are old enough to make them work.

Tonight we are on fire with the love of the world and the mystery hidden behind sneaky eyes and flasks filling our cold bellies with warmth. With memories welling in our eyes I'll hold you until the sun rises and we return to our socially pessimistic and awkwardly comfortable lifestyles.

Take my hand as we run into the wild beyond for at least tonight... It's just you and I.

They say that once you hit the lowest point in your life you can only go up from there. I swear I've hit so many low points I just keep going lower and lower.

Who decided that "they" knew what "they" were talking about ? Who decides we should just listen to them?

I keep sitting here on this lonely beach imaging a better place... A better time.... But all I hear is the waves crashing against the sand. All I hear is the ocean threatening me with something unknown.

My love for nature grows dim & my fears begin to take over my body. Panic attacks and sleeping so much and so long my body can't react to being awake properly.

I used to be confident and strong.
I used to be in love with love and life.
Now I fear the unknown.
I fear being alone with my thoughts ringing so loudly in my head.

The ocean... There is an ocean inside my head. Filling my ears with water and letting my thoughts and memories drown me alive.

So when do things start looking up? Is it after I've already drowned all my happiness under the sorrow and contempt?

There was an odd shift in the air that morning when you called me so early.
I couldn't tell if it was sadness or defeat or even a slight twang of happiness in your soft voice.
And I couldn't quite make out the words you were saying as you spoke so fast and yet so dreamily.

I heard you say you were sorry. I heard you say you loved me. I heard you say it was time.
And then I heard the phone go silent.

I ran.
I ran through the ice and the winter breeze.
I walked.
I walked up the drive way into the open door.
I sat.
I sat down next to your already cold body.
And I cried.
I cried because "you" were me and I was gone... So what else could I do but cry?

Do you know what suicide makes you think about?
It made me wonder if the pain could have gone away.
It made me wonder why that day was the day.
It made me wonder what inside me got so hard I couldn't face another single day living in this toxic world.

I love you.
I miss you.
I'm so sorry.

I want to paint the skies with the fire in your eyes. I want to use your passion and your taste for the lasting things in life. I would use every color available to me.

I want to cause volcanoes to explode with the tension we know is already there. I want to taste your lips against mine. I want to show the world what the definition of lust is.

I want to make you smile and I want to make you laugh. I want to watch as you fall slowly and madly in love with me. I want to watch your mind sway like the wind.

I want to cause a hurricane in your head and fill your lungs with water making it impossible to breath when you're around me. I want your bones to shake like there's an earthquake when you watch me undress for you.

In a world of nature vs. nurture, I want to watch your nature come crashing into mine. I want to nurture the passion and fuel the fire above until we burn up and all that's left is that lasting memory.

BH 2015

With shaking hands and burning eyes I pour the last of the dark red wine into my glass.
I sit crossed legged on the floor in the middle of my empty living room contemplating what comes next.

I can get up and make dinner and maybe watch a movie like a normal person would.
Or I could continue to sit here facing the little bit of light coming through the window before the sun goes down.

I can't figure out why anyone would ever want someone like me... I guess it's a good thing no one actually does.
I can't figure out how anyone could tolerate someone like me... I guess it's a good thing no one does.

My hands shake with each sip I take and I'm pretty sure this is what they call a panic attack. My breathing begins to speed as my eyes water and I'm feeling nothing but numb and pain which doesn't make any sense.

They keep telling me I'll be okay.
They keep telling me I won't be alone forever.
But I'm terrified of being alone these days which is something new.
I'm terrified nothing will ever work out.

So until I get over my fears I'll be on my living room floor with empty bottles of wine alone.

My heart wanted you long before I really understood it. It knew the moment you asked me my name in yearbook class. It knew the moment you gave me your phone number.

My heart knew you would break it before I fully understood that. It knew the moment you called me a few months after not speaking to me. It knew the moment you kissed me goodbye as I flew back home.

My heart seems to know more than my head sometimes... And yet I seem to still follow my brain a but more. My brain told me you were just confused. My brain told me I was just being over dramatic.

But... My heart knew that the mountain I was about to climb was steep and unsteady. My brain told me it was just a hill and I could easily get over it with just a little more effort.

I should have followed my heart a little more...

I will remember how you kissed me*
is just a line from a song that I've
been listening to for hours wondering
if you've been listening too I wish you
wouldn't have made me miss you like
this- it's not normal for me to want to
be wanted and looked at like I matter
to someone..