and actually
the reason I don't know anything
is because you don't know anything
because if you did know
then I would know
I would know so well
But I don't want to be the only one that knows,
you know?

When I was a kid I lived in a fairytale.
I had my parents, the king and queen of the kingdom
Who loved me unconditionally and doted on me; their baby girl
I spent my days chasing butterflies and trying to grasp on to those last remains of Summer
Before the Fall came
And oh what a mighty Fall it was

I was sixteen when my life stopped being all about fairytales and happily ever afters
And became a mixture of bitter hatred for this reality and yearning to revert back to those Summer days
But I can't, I can't reach those early afternoons playing in the sandpit of my childhood,
Or those evenings when I would run back to
a home cooked meal sitting ready for me on the dinner table.

And now as I wander ever faster towards the winter of my life, all I have is the memories.
They say you shouldn't hold on the past
But why not, when the present is burying you right where you dug the grave which you labeled the "good old days".
And the photographs on the mantelpiece come tumbling down as you begin to realize that mommy isn't perfect and daddy isn't invincible.

They're human.
And humans hurt, and they heal and they love, and they feel.
And never will there be a day when I look back and think, "hey let the past be the past"
Because now?
Now I live in endless agony, crippled by my fear of growing old; getting married, paying bills, and growing my family.
and facing the heartbreak that everyone has at least once in their lives.
If you're lucky, it's quick like the pain of a band aid tearing off your skin.
But if like me you're not, then I'm sorry.
I'm sorry for the pain and the slow burning ache that will settle itself in your heart and never leave.

Because sometimes,
A person will nestle a home for themselves in your chest and they will be with you all your life.
No matter what happens, even after marriage and children and all that comes with it.
You will grow old and in your last moments on this earth, you will reminisce about that love you lost all those years ago.
Not the one who got away-
But the one who never left.

To this day,
I live as a memory box
Constantly reminded that when you grow up, life's a ***** and then you die.
But you'll always have the memories to remind you that life was not always this way.
That sometimes, it can surprise you
And make you laugh like you've never laughed and cry like you've never cried.
You'll live like the uphills are mountains
And the downhills are cliffs to drag you back down to reality.


© Elle 2016

I'm all yours tonight baby,
I'm all yours.
Right there in your arms,
I'm all yours.

Talking and playing,
With each and other,
Whispering sweet nothings,
To one another.

I'm all yours tonight baby,
I'm all yours,
To caress and to hold
I'm all yours.

When two souls walked on the edge,
Of the glittering sea,
Fingers touching their tips,
So tell the powers that be....

I'm all yours tonight baby,
I'm all yours

There were days where I’d find myself to be happy
Because of a funny joke
or a good day
or a smile from someone across the yard.

But in the silent pauses of good moments,
this happiness would fade
Because of the constant worrying that happened
in my head

Worry came like a virus:
it started small and then escalated
Extinguishing every spark of happiness my body contained
And replacing it
With thoughts of death and starvation and ******
and war and loss and grief and—
it never stopped

Worry told me
that after a good event comes
the bad:
laughs would be replaced by
asthma attacks;
or good days only meant
that one was reaching the end of life —
slowly tunneling into death,
into oblivion; or
the boy across the yard was smiling
to use you
to deceive you
to one day, maybe hurt you.

My thoughts were no longer mine
As they fell into the hands of Worry
I had lost my identity —
my dreams, my interests
my future
To the devil in my head.

But Worry couldn’t stay forever.
When it had finished
swirling my insides
my body was left to feel normal again;
my chest was light,
my limbs stable —

but I could no longer obtain
the part I had lost to it:
myself.