On the day I reached this milestone
I said I'd start looking to publish
But I was content knowing you were some of those views
And know that things are silent  between us
I can only care about you reading all these words again
And figuring out what I mean
when I write about you
I am tired already
But I know this is for the best
serious casual
I never knew what you meant by asking that
I wonder if I answered wrong
And thats why things happened the way they did

I never knew you

As you walked away

Where did it go

I never stopped loving you

You never said goodbye

You were never here

My heart is replaced

A mechanically fashioned nightmare

Making up everyday life

Just to see how

Things could turn out

If I knew you

Everybody hurts
Like in that johnny cash song
Everybody hurts
But no one wants to admit it
Pain and living are one
Breathing in
Glass shards
With every breath
Feel the needle
Pierce you skin
Get high get high
So you can be the cool kid on the block
Write away your youth
Your to ******* lazy to commit
To anything
Higher and higher
To the start

So much fuel for the fire
The entire world is heating up
And everyone you destroy something
You can build it up bigger
(That's why I try and destroy me)
And it will be stronger this time
And maybe it's time for a shift
That so many assasinated people sought after
Maybe it's time for a brotherhood of man
Although I can never let go of my hatred
Or my inability to be in reality
I know some people can
And when I am gone
Shouldn't that be enough?

Wasted afternoons
Spent wasted on the poor drugs
I just want freedom

Disappointment flows
From my eldridth mind like flies
Seething in the night

Dreams at night make it
So that I cannot wake up
And face my mistakes

Christ
What time is it?
Past 2 again
****, I really need to get some sleep
I have to get up early
But everything we've ever said
What am I saying?
I've known you less than a week
I've talked to you for less
I hate myself for doing this
Sometimes i feel like im just doing it on purpose at this point
******* up my life
Causing me to hate myself
Its important this time though
At least thats what I've been told
Theres too many things that can go right
And thats what makes staying up so hard
My genie is gone
My well run dry
I'm alone on this one
And I think I'm doing well
It's almost three now...

sometimes life is a note left on the mirror
saying sorry I had to run
there were some last minute errands to come up
and you tear the note up
take out all the anger you have for the leaver
and then when you are done
you take the pieces and put them back together
and put in back on the mirror
and when that day runs late
and they still aren't back
you take the note with you
to do the errands

This is what this is like
Waking up in your arms
This is what this is like
Blacking out drinking
This is what it was like last night
Thinking I was dreaming
This is what I thought
Holding you close
This is what I needed
To keep the darkness at bay
This is what I always wanted
To feel you next to me
This is the life I worked for
The happiness I don't deserve

All my journals
Filled with my words
Were the quilt that kept me warm
In those dark, dark nights
The friend who always listened
When no one else could
But life
And that basterd time
They kidnapped me
And as my head
was filled with a shadows web
Instead of water
The dust grew on my words
And I noticed
And I didn't want them to go
So I took them
And filled them with what I thought
Was the answer
I filled them with oil
Water doesn't help to get into college
And whether I was pushed or walked
Alone
I am at the top of the admissions list
But now
In the prime of the greatest challenge
My words found me
And they drowned me
So I read them
And they read me
And I can never let them go
As much as I want to

So this is what you've come too
Sobbing in your bathroom
After getting into one to many fights
All because you think
That suffering can bring happiness
And you are miserable
Just so ******* miserable
That you feel like everyone else should be too
So that maybe someone can help you
But they can't
They won't
Because you are just to ******* miserable
And you ******* write these words
To remind you that you are miserable
That the only thing you've ever taken any pride in
Causes you to be miserable
All you want is to be happy?
Well then maybe you shouldn't be such a little *******

This isn't real
Eyes opening in the dark
Shadows on the cave wall
Showing you silent films
Of how two people
Who constantly hurt eachother
Can still be deeply in love
Or how people
Can just up and end themselves
When they where the happiest they've ever been
How people
Can be so blind
To the things they think are happening
When the fire goes out
And you throw your hand out
To get that reassurance that you are real
In this stunning new darkness
Is to be human

Let the pitch black room comfort me
Another wasted semester
Spending too much wasted
And wasting away to much
All the talks didn't help
The pills never felt more *****
Even when they kick in
I don't recognize the man I've become
And the pills are making me sad
And the sadness makes me want more pills
And I need to get away
Stop swallowing these poison
I need to go to New York
And I need to find you

Let the rain fall in the dry city
Although it never seems to impede the blood that flows
This place is alive
These grounds have a life to them
The whispers of the statues at night
The creaking of the newly planted trees unsure of themselves
The sidewalks, the old buildings, even some of the faculty
they are the most alive parts of this place
The lifeblood left as a memento to the newest generation
At night the campus is alive with stillness
With an overwhelming quietness that ***** you in
At night everyone is gone
And its just you, the rain, and the streetlamps

Fractured shards of a blank mind
Never a true identity
Words fly through these holy nights
And the smallest things change it all

A whispered conversation
A common motif these long nights
Never reaching anything
Always falling short of our ideals

That's the plague of who we are
Insomniac nights have a
Limit to just how much you
Dream another dream

So we limit ourselves now
And we can never truly fail
The gross lie is continued
Our potential is never reached

The cages we build inside
Are a foreign comfort today
And we can fail so much more now
As our effort was not full

When the shock brings you back from the dead
and when you can't stand me anymore
when you scream you hate me and don't want to do this anymore
remember days like today
remember how we didn't worry
how we were happy
that although we can't be close
we can still be close
that even though we can't be happy
we can try
remember when you heart stops
that we knew this was coming
and then we did everything we could

The sun beats down
On the intrepid pair
The cold air is full blast
Both are exhausted from working
Both still have more to do
But they said they'd help each other
Locked away in a room
Getting to close to each other
Every time they point something out
Yes, yes, they say leaning over
Allowing just a little bit more touch
This is the right answer
And they both calmly sit down
Small snikes hidden
In the folds of the sheets they desperately miss

I hate this
The pills aren't working
And maybe it's because I'm drunk
But I think I hate everyone
Especially you
And these pills need to kick in
I can't stand this anymore

Vague notions of rightness
Fill your bleating heart
As you fight the good fight
You feel your body breaking
And look to the sky
When you venture forward in the mind
Clouds and storms are your right and wrong
Mystic in no way but this
You are afraid of the sky
Because it is unknown

My hands are dry
Cracked from years of nothing
I just wanted to hold your hand
Map the world in your callouses
I'm lonely
And I think I need to admit that
I'm so ******* ready to admit it
If everything dies alone
Do we die by ourselves
Or de we do to be alone?
What does that mean to me...
Is living just a waiting time until we can be alone
Do the people that are never alone crave death
Do the people that never experience love
Cling to life
Perhaps to spite
Perhaps to hope

Destroy the barriers you out in place
to become free
destruction allows you to create more
and creation allows you to destroy more
infinite spirals fill the night sky
our brains are star maps of the universe
god killed himself and put himself into us
and all psychologist talk about a separation
between who you are and who people know you to be
destroy the wall between those two
and create something god would be proud of
and so we can come together as a species
and envelop existence

lost from the albums
of but what about
or but they are
or they aren't so
hidden in the city's newfound mist
lie the secrets to the happiness you always wanted
creatures in the dark
blindly searching for the next
struggling to recall your face
and the feel of your hand in mine
its going to be a cold night
and this fog is suffocating the life from this city

Something new in this old heart beating
Passing the test roughed out before
Drunken talks of how it'll all end
Pressing for information in this subtle game
Words carrying all the weight they are supposed to
Something fills this old heart anew
Something not expected to be felt for a long time

The sweating grinding masses
Cogs in the ineffectual machine that is society
To sober to get on
To drunk to not want to
This is what being human is all about right?
These constant need to go out there and have fun?
The urge to go and be whatever the ****
These people in the club are
These drunken animals
The sweating grinding masses?
These are the people I want to be
To cut loose and live and feel so alive
But I guess the next best thing
Is standing in the background
Writing these words

So here I will stand
free but sad until the end of days
Company to my constant companions
Loneliness and Bitterness
Been through so much together
to the end of the earth and back
my laptop is stained with tears
my words with blood
and my mind with a black childhood
so many words
too many words
always read to fast
always heard to slow

I hate writing. I hate the way it makes me feel. I hate that it makes me sound pretentious. I hate how it is making me pretentious. I hate how it brings back things I want to forget. I hate how I can't write now. I hate how it's the only thing I have. I hate how it makes me feel better. I hate how I write. I hate who I write these too. I hate that I'm writing this. I hate everything about my writing. But it's the only thing I could never live without

I think this has to be some sort of test
everyone in the family has to do well
its idiotic to say
but our lives are decided by this test
(and every test from now)
but thats the price to pay for being in the family
the constant thrill of almost being kicked out
the nights spent reading, studying the details of life
how we are supposed to work
and the part that applies infinitely more to the real world
how we aren't supposed to live
that a grain of salt in the wrong place
can cause the happiest of people to **** themselves
that the smallest nerve out of place
ends the careers of gods
we are supposed to know how to help those unfortunate souls
whose luck has run out
we are so lucky to be able to help them
until our luck runs out

in the concrete jungle
you never know when you can trust someone
here in the buildings
trust them enough to talk to them
the real buildings
talk to them about why it all hurts
in the empty buildings
friends are made
in the empty room
dreams are crushed
next to the empty couch
the sad life continues
in front of the great view
the sad life continues

It's so hard to believe
that people are relieved
that the world is so cut and dry
and everyone thinks they know
what happens when we die
/
/ we're all nazis and ******
and pedophiles too
even if we never admit it
and we all think life is a stage
where we can all do our little bits
/
/ living day to day
with nothing on display
we can all go jump off a bridge
and have them argue at our funeral
over who gets the ******* fridge
/
/ there's a monster in all of us
waiting to be free
we're all villains at heart
with our banal little secrets
that only live in our heads
/
/ I try to write in a style
all good works are in
but everything I write makes bile
fill your ******* throats
just take look at this stanza
and tell me that I'm wrong
/
/ So lets all just sit back
and pretend its all okay
lets go out tonight and dance
and party the night away
so that we can all close our eyes
and just wait to ******* die

when did the stars
become brighter than your eyes
was it when you stopped laughing
or when you stopped looking me in the eye
the city we breath
makes the stars so dim
so what happened to you?

I promised myself I wouldn't do this again
I really did this time
you were different than everyone else
we were friends for what felt like forever
and I kinda fell for you hard
and now everything is just off
everything is put through a new light
and I'm kinda stuck floundering here
because I know what I'm doing is self-destructive
but I really don't know how to feel about any of this
because I am too stunted in experiences
to properly handle things like this

Here we are once again
the prodigal ******* son returns
these days were over
weren't they?
surrounded by people
huddled up in a corner
wrapped in on myself
to get any heat I possibly could
out of this rapidly failing body
I've reached the point in my life
where I'm not sure if this side of me
or the happy side of me
is the real one
To anyone
the happy side should be the real one
When I am the happiest
sometimes I find myself wishing I was here
where I am right now
Sometimes I need to let the darkness in the light
take me away for a little bit

He can't quite remember when he last slept well
Sure he gets a few precious hours a night
Fretful in all but action
They called him pensive today
He isn't really sure why that means something
Why that one comment made him feel so sad
He knows that it's getting late
Later than he normally goes
He knows he's probably too late
And not just for the night
He sighs, closing the blank screen
Always another night he says
Crawling into the bed, and turning of the lights
He doesn't realize that he is missing something
Something that would give him so much to write about

Why is it that when the call ends
my mind is always blank
I can think of a thousand words
I'd like to immortalize you with
Some legacy to leave behind on this rock
But every time I'm close
to finishing the next line
The first line
It never has been good enough
Call me a writer right?
That means nothing to the one
who can't form a sentence of comfort
for fear of the truth falling out

i dont want to do this anymore
i know that has multiple meanings
but i dont want to be here in college
surrounded by these people
i thought you could only drown in water
or depression
but you can drown in concrete too
people smothering you as you try and wake up
please wake up
i dont want to be in this nightmare anymore

Washing down the anti-depressants
With alcohol
Even though the two counteract eachother
I feel as if there is some irony there
As I am about to blackout
And I can't see straight
I have to hide taking pills from almost everyone
They wouldn't understand

The coffee is cold
Bitter flavors meet a ceramic dream
I can't remember if the coffee was bitter
or if it was supposed to get rid of the bitter taste in my mouth
an empty page in front of me
filled with everything I've spent today doing
this is cup number five
this isn't the New York apartment we dreamed of
this was never the life we dreamed it would be
but if we could see how our life would turn out
we would be miserable before we started
still, for all the ups and downs
I never once thought that my life would turn out like this

Red river lights flow
The tail-ends of conversation driving away
None of us really knew why we went to the roof
the parking garage always seemed to loom over us
we were all having a rough few weeks
we all got pretty sick
physically and not just mentally
we were felling better
so we took a walk
and so there we lay
staring off into the lights of the city
the others with me love each other
they sit next to me stealing glances
both to worried to talk about the past
too caught up in the present to know the future
we caught our breath on the roof
our worries were put on hold
as the blood light of the city
flowed on by

This is a constant wave
Up and down
I think everyone here is starting to hate me
And for once I care a little bit
I think I do anyway
That's not important
I think I've spent to much time with these people
Too many dinners and movie nights
Too many tired jokes
Too many slip ups of the act
So now that I think they saw me
I think they are tired of me
One even admitted it
And now I don't know how to feel

I'm going to be stuck here for a long time
I gave up a lot to make others happy
I spent my happiness when I didn't have any to spend
I wanted to travel the world
To spend nights curled up
Next to a roaring fire and you
And watch the stars move over head
Nothing on my mind but the dull glow
Of the cheap cinnamon whiskey
But I don't think that can happen now
I can't go more than a few minutes
With life catching up
All the things I gave up
I thought it was for so much more
The path I carved in my life
The oaths I promised to my darkest parts
The dreams that kept me going
You were only ever supposed to be dreams
So why is it so hard to say goodbye

Combine a volatile mixture of ego
And the ability to work just a little bit harder
And you get a generation
Of people who value what they can do
More than what they should do
Where stuff
Money
The ******* pieces of art hanging in the walls
Are more important
When you look a man in the eye
Than what you see looking back at you
Do you think you could **** a man?
Knowing you'd be saving him from so much
And shaming him to never be saved
Do you think you could still pull the trigger while he pleaded for you to stop?
Would you feel responsible for the rush of a will to live when take the gun away?
You *******
That wasn't supposed to be the way it was
Every single person I've met has told me
Part of growing up is accepting what you can't change
Well Mr. Full of **** and vinegar
You've done enough accepting for the both of us

You are homesick
I'm sick of home
does that mean you'll hate me now?
did you hate me before?
Should i even care
i've never written about this
game theory
theory after ******* theory
i think everyone knows
they dont know the whole book
jokes on them its just the covers
there is nothing to read
i think everyone knows the covers
i couldn't tell you how i feel
really i couldn't
she makes me feel calm when she smiles
like its never going to be okay when she doesn't
you occupy my thoughts when your not there
im so worried for you
you are home sick
i never was one to believe in attachments
those two are unrelated
i dont think i like you
i think im attached to you
i think you calm the storm
i hate you for that
i hate you for making me like you
becuase im me
i hate me for not being able to tell you
i hate me for liking you
it never was your fault
its mine
its always mine
i just want you to be happy
thats a lie
i want to be happy with you
i cant remember the last time i held someones hand
no one has ever held me and said its going to be alright
no one has ever watched the stars at midnight with me
no one has inspired me more to write
no one has made me hate writing more
your special
i dont think you care for me at all

find yourself in the space between birth and death
malignant sense of self
like a tumorous fold in your side
time and money
years and stocks
driving us to abandon ourselves
and drown in our collectiveness abandonment
But I think my problem is
I found someone else's sense of self
and viewing the world
through eyes that never really felt
like the belonged to me

Here alone again
Different from last time
Getting back from just hanging out
Instead of hanging out just to get back
College has changed me
Perhaps too much
Maybe not enough
I wonder if anyone back home would recognize me
I winder if they ever think about me
Do they miss me? Those friends of mine
We promised that although we were going across the state
That we would never stop being friends
All of us and our promises
Like the soft sound of raindrops on the window
Slowly falling away, until they all collect
and then fall away all together

Drunk on the things that make life worth it
and maybe some alcohol too
you came into my life like a storm
and here is the eye
moments of clarity unclouded by you
make me remember who i was
how could i have been so sad all the time
how could i have forgot to live
you make me feel so alive
you brought me back from the brink

Remember the last time
remember when you were comfortable in silence
when you didn't feel the need to fill the void
remember when someone talked to you first
instead of you making the plans
remember the last time you slept the full six hours
instead of waking up every few hours
remember when you said you loved it here?
remember when you said you loved her?
remember when she broke your heart?
remember when you thought you found here,
the real her this time?
remember when you promised you wouldn't get depressed again?
remember making all these promises?
I do
and I remember breaking every single on of them

See know, thats the big secret
at the end of the day
we are all just a set of characters in a book
we share the same story as so many other people
too many others
so many that no building would be able to contain all of them
and when you see this secret
its not a big step to see how your story will end
so when you say these words
words that have been said with nothing but bad outcomes
I can't help but dread this time around

Maybe it's because I'm tired
Maybe it's because of you
I accidentaly called everyone
I met today your name
A nap with my book on my face
A goodnight to me
A goodnight back
But you aren't here right now
It's someone else
It usually is

Flying over these peoples life's
Lights running like liquid gold
Across the cold shell that we made it to be
Rivers running like black blood
Through the artificial grounds
Those lights down there
Passing by thousands of lives
These lights are were everything has been made
All the first memories of love
All the happiness we feel
The days spent curled up with one another
The deaths of those before their time
The last goodbyes parting cracked lips
The salty bitter taste of tears gone bad
Lithe little lights running around
Carrying these memories around
High above the cloud tops
The little golden lights
Dancing in the fading eyes
Sleep now
Sleep to forgot

I'm sorry for everything I've ever done
I whispered into the night
I never thought my life would turn out like this
I told the darkness enveloping me
I...I just wanted to be happy
I whispered as the darkness blanketed me
Was everything I've done, everything I've written
Worth nothing the end?
I thought as the blissful feeling on nonexistence washed over me
giving some respite until sleep becomes a sickness
and waking becomes the cure

I have to ask how. Walking through the motions of another day. Something not right caught my eye. The death has been creeping along the face of the world. So why would a window be open? It's smaller than nothing out there. Anything left to live is slowly breathing it's last breath. Such is winter. She gives you opportunity. Life is sacred then. So when the frame passed my head, and the shadows flew threw the air, no hope was left in sight, until my past cuaght me up, and I found the ground with both legs this time.