It was never enough for you was it?
All the time I gave for you to love me
The long nights where whispered in my ear
That it will all be worth it
That you will be happy if I just give you more
More, more, more
You promised it would be worth it all
Time was the price to pay for a brighter tomorrow
On the eves of trials
you told me I was worthless without you
That I was always destined to fail
That I was but a spec in the uncaring god that you were
That you had others, people you didn't hate
But I have to tell you know
I don't need you
My future is mine to decide
for rags or riches
I'm done with you

You all blend together
Later and later at night
All your faces melting into the void
I hate words like void
People read it and assume I'm a pretentious *******
Maybe I am
But the void is all around me
Drenched in my own failure
To even hold the conversation
Too caught up in my little persona
That I forgot to be a real person
I forgot to live again this year
And there is always next
I suppose
I feel like I'm running out of time to live
I'm young and stupid
I shouldn't feel the way I do
And that makes it so much worse

Why am I thinking about you now
It's been awhile since we've even seen each other
I remember the night when I first loved you
Someone couldn't handle their drinks
And we had to clean up after them
(Christ I miss him)
And when you bent down
The moonlight hit your hair
And you looked me in the eye
And that's when I knew things were different
I don't think I can ever forget that night
Just like I can't forget the night
Where I realized I hated you
Worked half to death
Another exam coming up
You used me
You were always using me
And I was to stupidly infatuated
The look in your eyes
I was scared once
Now?
I can't even bring myself to look at them

I wish that every time I fell asleep it wasn't because I passed out from exhaustion . One night where I can lie on the dreamscape, turn the lights off, feel the gentle waves of sleep wash over me. But here I am. Everytime I close my eyes, lighting quick images, too many to focus on, in any single frame. Reliving the past in a moment, all the fears from the future. A blink of an eye, a new day. Too tired to function. The way I love it. Another blink, dreaming in the day. Of what is for now. Am I living a waking dream, everytime I blink? Or am I just yawning away my life, one hour of sleep less each time.

I need help
Those thoughts that you aren't supposed to have
The ones they give you pills for
Are starting up
And sometimes I find myself listening
And I'm scared I'm spiraling out of control
I'm scared of being alone
I'm scared of being alive
I've pushed everyone so far away that no one can tell there is a problem
They just see what I want them too
I'm too afraid of letting the world see me weak like this
I'm so afraid that I'm one bad day away from doing something I don't want
The episodes before this were few and far
Now I've never stopped having one
I've been felling this way for three months
I need help before its to late
I need to find you before its to late

Okay so if I like ******* die right now
I'm sorry I disappointed you dad

The air is saturated with an uneasy alliance
People stopped talking to everyone else
and everyone is splitting into groups
for better or worse
who is to say
The family is slowly falling apart
brothers against brothers
sisters against sisters
remember in the beginning?
when we all could stand each others company
yeah, maybe back then was full of heartbreak
but at least we could try and talk to fall in love
yeah, maybe we were all a little to fake back then
but that fear made us revealing ourselves so much more special
The family is slowly falling apart
And the ones like me are the only ones
Who dared to pick up the parts

It's cold here on this log
In the middle of a forest
It always seems that way
Birds cackling to each other
I hear less now then I did
I hear water far away
Wether it's a raging river
Hell bent on changing its course
Or a softer creek
Trying to love the land back
I can not say
There's multiple paths in front of me
I'd like to think they all lead to the same place
But we all know they don't
It's beautiful here in the shade
The sun lighting up the canopies
It's brighter here than I remembered
There's so few prints on this path
I'm not sure which is worse
The lack of use
Or the large amount of trash
Nature, the sly dog she is
Will take care of it
I'm glad I came here
When the earth as it peace with me
I can be at peace with myself
And no matter what happens this time
I'll be ready to live again

You went home for the weekend
after the travesty that Thursday night was i cant really blame you
is the answer to my question on your mind?
i told you
out of everyone here
the one i was trying to protect was close to me
that he didn't want you to know that he's falling for you
hard
you asked me so many questions about him
and i answered half true every time
i still refuse to lie
you walked away angry and slightly disappointed
i'm sorry i couldn't tell you the one i was trying to protect
but i am close to me
and i think you know it was me
so you've gone home now
for a few days
i thought it'd be a nice break before you asked me
but now i'm on edge
i'm so ******* excited for what happens next
yes no
it never really mattered
just the fact that i tried
is close enough to good
so when i see you Monday
i'll continue this silly game
because it makes me smile
and i'm just delaying the inevitable

The days are great
i'll say when they are
the nights not so much
morning seems to far
the days only seem that way
but the truth is
the nights are filled with restless awakeness
or dreams that are hit or miss
every moment around others is hell
and every moment away causes me to panic
i dreamed of you again last night
i woke up and never recovered, manic

so this is it i suppose
what everything in my life has been leading to
a perfect day
honestly exceeding even my wildest dreams
so why am i still up
at 4 A.M.
thinking about were it all went wrong
i met my future classmates
i was the life of the conversation
every witty comment
thrown in at just the right time
i have girls
plural
that want to talk to me
or at least they seem to want to
so why is it
that when everything is all coming together
im feeling like everything is spiraling out of control
rapidly dying in the new days glow
i close my eyes hoping
against all hope
that those horrid problems from my past
aren't resurfacing
and that im just tired
and i mean it this time
please just let me sleep

Wallowing in the same old self pity I promised I locked away
The same rough language from back then
flowing like the torrential thoughts
I used to swear that somewhere under all this water
I would find myself
I'd get a find every so often
a new suit I could wear for a while before it no longer fit
maybe it was the way it dried
maybe it was because it just wasn't me
I stopped looking for anything in the water
Even if I were to exist in those murky depths
I don't think I would ever find anything than some old suit to try on

The suns wavering faith
is the only thing stopping this night
crimson flurries of wind dancing
barely seen through the sheen of disbelief
I didn't ask for these thoughts
I want to live
I want to live and be happy
I want to write something that actually shows what I mean
I need to be a good writer
so I can show you what I need to show

Let the curtain fall
on this scene of our life
hear the audience clap the silence away
hear the people weep at such a performance
go back stage and put your face
back in its proper place
were the tears tears of joy or pity
did the audience clap at such a great performance
or at the fool  for thinking he was anything but
where you even in the audience
it was all for you

i don't need sympathetic looks
i don't need to be asked if i am alright
i don't need to drink my pain away
i don't need to sleep till i cant anymore
i just need you too talk to me
and then even the sun blinking out
the winds picking up the continents
would make everything not okay

At the end of all the heartache
At the end of everyday
A man can only be defined by two things
How others see him
And how he sees the others
Many success stories come from this road
Seen like a god, and thinking like one as well
Many stories ending from the other
Seen like a person
Hated on the inside
Others hated by everyone
And hate themselves

I feel nothing. At the end of the bad days, I feel nothing. I am completely and utterly devoid of joy. I do not feel anything beside anger. A slow, seething anger. I want to feel something. Please just let me feel something

Drinking doesn't usually cause dreams
But last night I couldn't wake up
And the dreams are still so crisp to me
That girl walking along the lake
With her nice little canon
We had a nice talk
About how hard it was
To capture the lakes beauty
I remember the bridge
And my hat flew off
And in the water were my friends
Old and new
All waving at me to join
I remember being thirsty
So thirsty
I couldn't stop drinking water
I was drowning in my dehydration
And when I woke up
I went and got a cup of water
And felt a little bit more alright

Why is it that after such amazing days

I have the worst dreams

Ones were I can dare to stand you

Ones were you look more beautiful than anything I've ever seen

Dreams were I can't function in that fake world

Because you were the world

So now that I'm awake

How do you expect me to function in the real one?

Freezing warmth
Radiates from a frigid
Rancid heat
Fearing a hot tubs
Final goodbye
Fetid whispers into the fallapon nights
Please
Please don't go
Feel cheap beer slide down
Your rapidly fanatical throat
Feigned cries of the frozen man
Echo in the night
Fostered cares of the forlorn it
Frantic jokes told
In the same fervent pitch of a
Forlorned lover screaming
Always screaming
Why is the ******* failure always screaming

Muscles twitch in a ******* meandering
You are skirting the edge again
Fibrotic restriction of failing lungs
Punch the muscle the size of a fist
Keep on keeping on **** you
Build me a box of screens
Let me put my head in it
Drown me in fluid entertainment
Fill my head with anything other than me
**** and ******
Reality and macabre
The world is ending
The people who get paid to do so
Will say
The Amazon is on fire
The ice is on fire
Honk Kong is on fire
Lebanon is on fire
What the hell
Did polar bears do wrong
To get set on fire?

Sometimes I look out the window
Far our across this sprawling city
And I think maybe it'll all be alright
I wish more days were like today

I really try and write to find you
I guess my problem is I'm to impatient
everyday I wake up and I know
that today will be the day
it has to be the day
I'm running out of time
I need to find you
which is why I have my heart broken every time
Because I place too much in it
when someone looks me in the eye

for the last time you said goodbye
you never told me what made your voice so odd
goodbye, you can't get rid of me that easily
but the joke died in the winter air
and it sounded not as warm as it should
you never did tell me just how much you were dying inside
and I never did tell you just how much I cared

I've committed so many sins
In my speck of a lifetime
I've lied, cheated, and used
My way to the top
And the war
To convince myself that it's okay
That I shouldn't feel bad
Is always going on
So to the strangers I meet
Who I ask did I do the right thing?
To my friends
Who I beg to answer am I a monster
And to the doctors
Who lay in their chairs taking notes and not judging
(Even if they always do)
I'm sorry for all the lies I told you
And al the half truths I muttered
But more than that
I'm sorry for the few I told the truth too

This shouldn't be happening again
These nights sobbing
The hours just staring off into space
The only difference this time
Everyone I'd ever turned too is gone
Sure, I could call them up
But it's 2:30 and I've lost touch with most of them
And it's all my ******* fault
I was only with them a few months ago
I thought I was so miserable back then
But I can only wish that someday I'm half as happy as I was back then
I don't think anyone of them would recognize me now
I'm a shell of my former self
I was a good person with them
Or at least I attempted to be
How would they recognize me
When j can't stand to forgive myself for my sins
Three months...
I've hurt, manipulated,and destroyed people
I can't get close to anyone
Not after what I've done to everyone
So I'll lay here
Home for the weekend when I easily click have stayed
Trying to hide my problems from my parents because they have more important things going on right now
Dead silent, as anyone I would go to
Anyone who would tell me that it's going to be okay
Is our living life
And forgot about the kid who tried to forgot about them

Every thing we do has an opposite outcome that we push aside to do what we want. Sometimes we can't do what we want. Sometimes we have to swallow our pride and do things that are expected of us. Sometimes we have to give up our dreams of being free so that others can sleep soundly at night. Sometimes we have to make the best out of bad situations. Sometimes we just have hold pillows over our faces so nobody can hear us scream. Sometimes we get into crazy situations that we can all laugh about. Sometimes we get really angry at happy people. Sometimes we are those happy people. Sometimes we stay up to late so we can't think the next day. Sometimes we sleep to much so we can't be aware. Sometimes we feel more alive than ever. Sometimes we forget how to feel at all. Sometimes we forget that not everything is a choice. Sometimes we just need live.

Can a leaf notice
That even though it's floating on a glass surface
The river will still flow
Does that leaf
Know that it's moving?
Nothing else is
To its eyes at least
Does the leaf think it's going with the flow
Even if the bank walkers
Are going so much faster
Does the leaf care about it's lot in life?
As long as it's with the others
Why would it?

Keeping me up at night
I can't get you out of my head
And how you use to laugh
At every ******* thing I said

i'm not sure if anyone has noticed yet
i never use the proper i
its's supposed to be I
i know that
i just don't think i denote a proper title like that
a nobody doesn't get an I
and thats okay
because when i become someone
i can be an I
maybe the first time you look me in the eye and i break the look
that'd be a nice way to become a person wouldn't it?

Words are lodged into the murky water of my mind
Pearls of meaning in the sandy beaches of the pineal gland
Like warm court proceedings
Is this fair? Right?
Did you know that some people
Aren’t groovily depressed
They can leave their rooms
Be real toothed cogs in society
I’m a toothless gear
Spinning with nothing to grip
Spinning my tires in black ice
Freezing in the fields
All I hope for
Is that next years crops use this dead meat
To make something beautiful
Something that can grow
Merry
Something that can live up live up live up
To the things it wants to say
My motif is a sown mouth
With spiders thread

You know

sometimes when everything is going really well

I like to turn of the computer, shut off my phone, and just look at my ceiling

I mean, these little times of introspection are what they know me for right?

You know that feeling when everything's going good so you do things to either make problems or make yourself sad?

What's that called? Oh yeah, I'm an ******* that's right.

So many problems that aren't real

So many friends that I use

I'm afraid to think, because I don't trust myself to stay on this good path

Maybe it'll all get better at college

I'm counting on it

But I guess what I'm trying to say is

Happiness to me is closer than ever before

But I'm afraid as is the nature of things that with every high comes a low

I'll just try and make people laugh, make music, and read more

I went two weeks with no bad thoughts

All in all I'm pretty happy with that

It's never been about her
Or about who she is
she just represents a boat in the storm
one that will sink when I sink when i get in
So do I take us both
or do I swim away
what can i say to you
nothing for now
and thats never been alright
but on second thought
its just what i need

Write what you hear me say down
Listen to me speak
Read the words on the page
When can I become more than that?
When can I become the one behind the words?
When can I write what I wanted
Instead of what I needed to hear?

Yes yes let's take a photo
Hold each other tight
Cheek to cheek
As a stranger we know more than each other
Smiles at the happy couple
Young love is too beautiful not too
Older than the dirt
Older than the sea
He feels her trembling
In fear or excitement, he doesn't know
She feels his heart stutter in step
From fear of the stranger
Or when she stopped recognizing the one next to her
She doesn't know
And as the photo is taken
The two walk away hand in hand
Not knowing the truth
That photos only reflect
What you tell them too

Moving in and moving out
college is turning into a blur of rooms
up a floor take a left
its always the same
down two straight ahead
I just needed the change you know?
You followed me from room to room
At least I hope you did
Things were never the same after this last move
I can't remember the last time you visited
Was it...
no, no of course not
I'll visit you tomorrow

I can feel that part of me dying
The poet in me is leaving
These words a solemn record to what was
And to what always could have been
Say your goodbyes to the past
And begin to get nervous for tomorrow
The tears are gone
The will is gone
The blue period is gone
The time to live
Has finally arrived

Commodity. Is that all this is to me? Another way to show me that i can do something unique. That's all everything is, isn't it? Some way to say look at me look at me, I can write what people want to read! Whatever happened to being true to me?...me...me...who am I? Maybe that's the problem. I don't know who I want to be. Are you even supposed to want to be anyone? Are you supposed to want to be yourself? How's that possible, wanting to be yourself? You are yourself, only as long as you want to be I suppose.

and it was supposed to be better when i left?
i was supposed to go away and turn into a new man?
the man i wanted to be?
he died on move in day
the second i met everyone for the first time and sealed my fate
no im still the pathetic little dreamer i was back then
can i even call myself a dreamer?
i suppose i cant even now
im to old for that
didnt i want to grow older now?
an old man surrounded by young blood
im dying from the irony
honestly i am

I'm not sure if I want you to think about me
And the heartache associated with it
And the fondness for the future
Or if you shouldn't think about me at all
And focus on making the present better
But forgetting what we were
The only thing I know
Is that I didn't think I'd be this cold
On these warm winter days

I've had a voice in my head
telling me
To **** myself
All day

i think the saddest part about this
is that you've inspired more writing than any of the others combined
and i think theres a sad beauty in that
you've broke my heart with every glance
and took it back with every smile
so what do you want from me?
because i'll do anything to see you smile
even if it means never seeing you again

At some point soon

Everyone will notice

That I stopped liking them

And that I forgot how to talk to them

That they **** me off to no end

That I can't wait to leave them

And I'm afraid, afraid

That I'll never meet people

As good as they were

And that burning these bridges

Is going to **** all of me

Today I got to be the face of the world
Or at least my world anyway
And the world I left behind
Is crumbling without my presence
The gravity taking her away
And without her here to balance me
I feel as if I am going quite crazy
Why is my fuse so short
Why do I need to be alone all the time
When did I stop being happy

Gone are the days of laying in bed

And here are the days of missing in it's stead

Fanciful thoughts still alive today

Open for the world, on a display

You Dream, are not forgotten

No, you fill my writers pen

Writing these words

That no one will hear

Even when they listen

As poor, poor Dream

Knows he isn't true

the yin days last forever
And the yang days are here to stay
Both sides of the coin
capatilism at its finest
The diners of America
Are filled with a sickened meal
That America will stuff
Their empty faces with
Ashes to ashes
Dust to dust
America is dead
And replaced with the living
And the new living
Think they are the old dead
And the artist generation
Has no artist
And dreams
Are no longer dreams
and liquor is never enough anymore
For the few
For the few
(Not that you are special)

Its slowly growing colder
colder colder colder
middle of summer
cloudy skies are brewing
this is the unnatural cold
the kind not associated with living through death
but by dying through living
this is the cold that wipes out armies
before they even march
this is the cold that princes fear
the cold that only comes from within us
the reaper is watching
he knows we won't last
not in this weather

You are nervous now
You locked yourself in your room
A bad semester grade
Isn't the end of the world
But you shutting it out is
The life in your eyes
Slowly being replaced by panic
A raw overwhelming paranoia
Your eyes are still frightening
In the way a wild animal
Cornered into a cage
Looks at its attackers
And gives them it's all
So be careful now
For you are a wolf

So many different things flutter through my mind
New people every moment
New games and fun every single day
New forms of depression crashing over me
oh god
Oh God!
Is that what trying to be popular is like?
The constant nagging feeling of doing everything wrong
oh god oh god
Does she like me?
Do I like her?
What about her?
Or anyone else?

Breath
Breath
Awwwwww
Relax
Let the feeling wash over you
Listen to the beat of the planet
Feel the ice flow into your head
God I hate myself for doing this
Slow down and live
Slow down and breath

The cold air flows in from the door
While we huddle in little groups
Felling betrayed by our mutual need
To actually talk and feel
But that's hard isn't it?
We all are so ******* broken
But no one wants to fix themselves
Comfortable with a shattered image of who they once were
Dying broken
Laying broken
Shattered coffins fill the graveyards of our people
And I just wanted to have a nice dinner conversation
But it all went to ****

I have to fight the urge not to talk to you
You are back from visiting your parents
I want nothing more than to see how you are doing
But I won't
not after everything I discovered about me
not after everything that has happened
not after still wanting to see you after everything happened
especially not after that last one