I told You not to read these anymore
(I did do that didn't I?)
I'm not sure what you are going through
I just know I'm trusting you with a lot here
You have something of mine that I didn't know
That I never dreamed of having
And it's young and new
Please don't **** it before it can live
I'm real messed up too
So many lies and manipulations
I begin to forgot that there was a real me
There was a real me wasn't there?
Some sick part of me wants this to end badly
That you will say you are just to nice a guy
I don't want to hurt you
So I can write about the injustice of the universe
That good guy that was to good
It's pathetic
But maybe the dark parts that molded me into that decision
Are no longer heard
Maybe I just want to be happy
Maybe the thought of you saying that is so much worse than I would've thought
That maybe trusting someone on a glass heart wasn't a good idea
Some genius I turned out to be

I suppose this is what you signed up for
Going out with the depressed poet
although it certainly could never be your fault
no, not this time
sometimes accepting the truth is harder than living the lie
I cause you a lot of problems
long winded text at random times
always saying I'm not sure whats going on
I just feel like some part of me is constantly really sad
and then you are a good person
and you want to help
but me being the depressed poet
need more things to wright about
always and forever
and so therein lies my darkest confession
how many times did I cause you to be unhappy
just so I could perpetuate the lie that I believe
give me something to wright about
and like the urchin I am
I'll latch on and feed until I need something else
...
I'd like to say I've never done that
I don't think I've ever tried to do that
I'm worried I do it a lot
Sometimes I think I'm so fare out of control
that I can't really ever be sure of what I do



I just want this to stop
I just want to be happy

Waking up gasping
another night starts
and the image of you
screaming stays when
I shut my eyes and
I’m losing my
mind, shattered like the
mirror you threw at
me in one of our fake
fight late night
(bored out of our minds)
night I spent awake
my hand still hurting
trying to capture you
in words that just wouldn’t work
and I roll around in my
bed at night, losing my
mind trying to stop
all the pretentious *******
running through my head and
I can’t stop thinking of the nights we
spent our minds trying
to get to know each other and
I’m screaming, screaming, scream
and then I stop
and then I just stop
how can you expect
me to say I
love you
when I can’t even ******* say
who I ******* am
am losing my mind that
I didn’t even know I had and
I can feel the little fragments
of me that I spent years trying to collect
and then you just left
you threw it all away
you threw it all away
and as you left my car for the last time
I asked if I could still call you
my little bird and
you said okay
you said okay
you said
okay

sometimes changing the bed sheets
takes more work
than a year of university
sometimes breathing in air
takes more effort than
holding it together
sometimes being alone
even if its what you need
is harder than being happy

I hope i just didn't irreversibly **** everything up
what kinda question is that?
do i ******* like you
of course i ******* do
half these ****** things are about you
but i had to ******* spell it out for you
******* half veiled metaphors
did you figure it out now?
or were you sitting on it?
i knew you figured it out
i ******* knew it the second i saw you today
something in your **** eyes
but it wasn't rejection this time was it?
no, that'd be to ******* easy now wouldn't it?
no this time it was a maybe
a "things are good now, lets not change"
does that mean anything?
does that mean you do but you want to ease into it?
or that you don't and i'm just a friend
what the **** does that mean
please for the love of god tell me what you mean

Break the plaster hand of fate
Reality crashing around
Dodging a boulder like slowness
Let the cheap thrills flow
Feel something give the old engine a boot
Throb the heart
Thorny blood flowing through acrid joints
Feel the weightlessness
Of the lead sky
Scream that you aren't a puppet
That you can do it
You won again
Didn't you?

Its when you look in the mirror and dont see yourself
Its when your body never feels normal
I just wanted to go and be happy
I never knew that the world would do anything to stop me
Shackles made of the stuff of nightmares
Nightmares that no one fears anymore
hold me to the past and the future
but never the present

Incomprehensible nothingness
Work work work
Sleep badly, and then work again
Faster and faster
Wrack your body with a shallow cough
That comes from years of smoking
And working to fast
Your liver will be awkwardly felt
And your head will be down
Not looking toward the end
The end, the end!
We've accepted our end
And it's the before we can't stand
Wasting away in a concrete jail
Being part of it all man!
The self proclaimed enlightened will spew
While smoking dope and drinking beer
And the people that know his words
Shake their heads and take the cowards way out

When did this beautiful life suddenly get so beautifully complicated

Everyone treats January like the baby of the family even though she's older and colder than December

February just wants April and May to fall in love and for everyone to stop screaming at eachother over the dinner table

March usually isn't home, and when he is he isn't gone before to long, off on an adventure

April can't admit she loves May, and tries to not cry anymore on front of the family (they all hear her at night though)

May loves April dearly, and comforts her in those dreary night but can't ever ask her to love him back

June is the the one who doesn't want anything to do with the family, thinking he's to cool for that and would rather be with his friends

July goes with June to make sure June will be okay and to make sure he doesn't forget his family

August and September are twins and August is the louder more sociable one that everyone thinks is the one in charge of the house

While September actually runs everything behind the scenes, with a soft spot for January, his precious daughter

October is the only one concerned with keeping the house from falling to the ground, and everyone really loves him for that and he loves them back

November is the mom of the family and makes sure everyone has had enough to eat, but she dreadfully worries about June whenever he leaves

December stays in the attic usually and doesn't talk much to the others, as she's very old. She's just glad her family remembers her enough to celebrate her every year

No one ever tells you
about how the eagle soars
until its barely a speck
even to the sky

no one ever tells you
about how that eagle
has to deal with
to many of its children not making it
to many partners, falling of the cliff
welcomed into the sea with open arms
to many winters, gone hungry
watching as the others starve around you
to many suns
dancing across the sky
to remember all their faces

How readily one can push aside
the mere thoughts of great struggles
when someone else less deserving of them
is put on the line
When the trials begin to ramp up
and you don't think you can make it
I just want to be able to say
I stuck out a hand

I know you need this
The thinking part of me knows this
I think we both see how things would have ended if it wasn't for this
We just talked for the first time since we went on this break
A quick check in
and you said you really needed this
and I know you meant
that you can be better know
and in the future we can be happy
and I know you said that this wasn't my fault
that this is just how life goes
But my heart whispers in the night
If I was a better guy I'd still be able to talk to you
If I was strong enough to bear our collective pain
then I wouldn't be worried about all of this
At the end of the day
I am having trouble accepting that I just wasn't good enough
I'm never good enough

It's when the air left my lungs
And I had trouble bringing it back
Sitting in a room full of friends
Nearly passing out on the couch
And I actually didn't know
If I was going to wake up this time
Fighting for one more breath
I didn't want to die
Which is not a common thought
For someone like me
But more than that
I wanted to be happy
And when I felt one more breath fill
My weary lungs
I thought of all the little things
That I never got to do
That would have made me happy
And as the room swam around me
I realized that none of this things
Would have made me any happier
The only way to be happier
Is to just try and be happy
So goodbye
And thank you

I felt my heart break today
No more of that sappy ****
I mean physically
I woke up, I had to study
And when I got up to take a break
My heart broke on half.
It hurts now.

Maybe it was becuase I was going online
Maybe it's becuase I havnt thought of you in a while
You break my heart in my head
And now I broke it in my body
I hate sappy ******* things
Especially those sad endings

What I want more than anything else is for the reaper to allow me to see what could have happened. On the precipice of life changing minutes, I can't help but wander what would happen if I followed my heart instead of my head. I never would have had to say goodbye.

As the morning comes
The tide of sleep finally washes over me
a respite from a long night
wether from todays trials
or yesterdays flashes
no one can say
slowly whittling down
friends and enemies
lack of pressure causes the blowhard to expand
fill the mold of the cage
cornered into the outline
freer than a bird
allowed the grave he dug himself
its his and his alone

This is the natural born hero
With sins inside his own head
To much of a hero to let them out
To much of a martyr to not let people now
A sad life
A sad excuse for living
That's all I am
An excuse for sadness

The flowers all around us
Whisper of the spring
I can't believe
I already forget what I know
Though we just met for moments
What we had, spread like a flame
I'm not sure what I'm more afraid of
Smothering the kindling
Or being left out in the rain

It’s a blank white slate with the entirety of human achievement inside of it
A way to talk to billions, to drown myself in enough entertainment to make me sick
It’s an echo chamber
It’s an echo chamber
Each night I scream into these walls
Beating myself into a vagus nerve induced frenzy
Slap these thighs and pull out wiry hair
Snap my fingers, my rough knuckles dancing as blows rain down
Like so many rainy days locked away
Seething meat blasted into oblivion
Because you have to do it don’t you?
Despite all the words
All the reassurances that you aren’t a liar
You want to do it
You want to think you want to do it
You are so confused
Cut the meat
Punch the beef
It’s an echo chamber
With occasional melodies belting out from underneath the door frame
Little moments when you collapse
No beauty in the death of the ugly ways
A cracked ceramic mask
Made by a kindergartner
Because I never learned how to paint my face
I never learned any language other than man
It’s not a matter of how I feel
It’s a matter of can I always feel this way
It’s a matter of whether or not I’m still riding on the echoes of a voice that only brings to mind the haziest of memories
It’s a matter of who looks back at me in this prison, this room
Who will greet me in my nightmares tonight?
Who will look back at me in the mirror?
When did those stop being two sides of the same coin?
I pound and beat and mash pale flesh against the steamed surface
Please, take me out of this two way hell
This two time place

I can't honestly say I know what to do now
I feel like I've woken from a dream
And I thought that what I was feeling was happiness
I'm stuck right now
In a state of grey amalgamation
Different parts of me fighting for control
But this was about you wasn't it
But I made this about me
And that's the only thing I know how to do
I don't know how to make you happy
I don't know how to make me happy
I'm sos sorry

Drunken revelry palgued by inconsistencies
Thoughts of medication
Dreams of ending
He is so scared to accept the fact that it might be over
A simple pill every day
Every hour
Every minute
He doesn't care as long as he gets better
Deattached from himself
Fronting the faces
He can't see himself in mirrors
Fitting for a late October night
Trees are dying early
Cold seeps into his heart
He hopes that the doctors are right
That he can make it through this winter
And start his life anew
He wants nothing more than to be happy
He knows he is holding himself back
Addiction to a mental disorder
Can't imagine living any other way
Colder and colder at night
Slowly losing feeling
The slow death creeps forward

I guess what bothers me the most is just the waiting
waiting for it all the change.

I certainly have the power to make it all change
I just need the time.

I am leaving soon, and I'll have to say goodbye
to the only ones who acknowledged me.

I find myself dreading the days without them
those ones I call friends

I...I just want to wait a little longer
before I have to go.

I'm back
I whispered into the night
I'm home at last
I'm so happy to see all of you
Did I change?
Did you?
I missed all of you
No one was supposed to remember me
But you all did
No one could let these old bones dry
Only free in travel
I'm back home
With the friends I missed
The ones who know me
The monster I am
The monster I was
They know me
And I know them
Let's remember to whisper good bye
To each other
And pray it's not forever
I'll see you all soon
I'll say as I shut my door
And drive away
I'll see you soon

its kinda funny
to me at least
I've started too many works in the last hour
and i get halfway through
and i delete all of it
i refuse to even write something similar to it
I've never done that before
its always been wright it down and then never change it
but you need such high quality works
i need to describe it better
its never good enough
its never been about you
its never been about my happiness
it has always been about writing the best works

I don't think you understand just how much it effects me
every wayward glance
every single ******* time you don't look me in the eye
every time you laugh
everyone says its not been long enough
even you did
can't i just be selfish for once
but thats not the issue
i'm running out of time
how long can i last here by myself
who will pull me back from the brink of madness this time
i hate the way i'm acting
i hate that i'm in this scenario
i hope to the nonexistent ******* god i pray to
that i can wake up tomorrow
and be able to do this all over again
not here
highschool
i'm so sorry gavin
they all ******* me up
every no was another nail in the coffin
i'm to ******* abnormal to even hope to be normal
and thats the ******* problem isn't it?
this was never about you and me
this was always about me just trying to fit in
im so lonely
im so ******* lonely
normal people dont get lonely
not for five years
five long years

when the only dreams you have betray you
sleep is no longer the safe haven it was supposed to be
what can one do in the night
fitfully lie there
the pillows are not quite comfortable enough
the blankets just a tad too thick
our situation just a touch too unfamiliar
i didn't dream last night, i always assumed i would
no dream is better than bad dreams
no answer is worse than a bad one

You have the most disturbing eyes I've ever seen
across the room
across the world
eyes illuminated by only the lamp
and the screen
you look me dead in the eye
and you scare me
the intense you give me
I barely hear the words
you look into me
to far
too ******* far
this isn't like the rest
stupid infatuation
this is fear
I'm afraid of you
and I don't know why

I used to stay up at night a lot
Wondering if all the people
Who knew about this
And who I am
In real life
Still read this
And know what I've become
But tonight
I'm wondering why I cared so much
In the first place

"I'm back,"
I whispered into the night
I lost myself
What was important to me before?
Not what I've been doing
To fake, to real
When everything changed to quickly
The only remedy for a broken heart
Was to fall in love
And continue the never ending cycle
When life moved to slow
and the mind races to fast
boredom with the interesting things
thoughts that wouldn't seem to fade
"I'm back,"
I whispered into the wall
drifting off to sleep
getting over a new sickness
and shedding off a new one
I lost something this summer
something I don't think I can ever get back
All I can do is move on
And promise to myself to never let the sickness back
I need to get the help I always needed

I'm back,
The real me this time
and for once, I am here to stay

Withered faces lined in a truthful glee
Line the stools of this flowing bar
calcium etched hands stretch out towards me
specters of the past pulling me back so far
drinking all my sins away
and I really have to go
even though they insist that I stay
and so the drinks will flow
until the evening dawn wanes
and all the past will go
those faces leave those window panes
while me body, my body rises with a vigor much to slow

Inside every knight is a man
who just wants to go home and see his wife
who wants to teach his kids to be happy
Inside every knight
Is a man who is unsure of himself
who is worried about an enemy finding the weak spots in his armor
Inside every knight
Is a weak man
weary and beaten down
A man who only wants to watch the stars
And whisper sweet goodbyes to his love
Inside every night
Is a man who uses the darkness as a shield
To live and be free from his knights armor

Waving goodbye
Walking away from another night
I won't see you for a long time
Going across the states you are
Away from this little dreary town
When you come back everything will be better
We can carry on being happy
Until then

nature is grey
The old ways are still here
And grey is the color we should see
But we hate ourselves
And can't get enough of our hatred
So we turned the world into black and white
And they hate everyone who isn't them
But we are all the same
We are al born
And we all die
Everything else that's in between is pointless
But people will still die for it
We hate living
We just want to let go

I'm trying to lay this out as clearly as possible
You are not acting like the you I know
Is it because of my stupid confession?
Or have you juts gotten tired of my *******?
You caused me to stay up late again
Thinking through all the what ifs
Please just laugh one more time

The more sober I'm not

The colder my body feels

To aware to know that I can't go

And get more blankets

But not aware enough to think of a better idea

The only things stopping the cold from taking me

The warm glow of the screen in front of me

One of my best friends in my darkest rooms

You gave me the outlet to see the new world

And I gave you my memories and words

You caused me to be cold

You let me

It's all my fault

I hate you

Because I hate me

You just couldn't let me go one night without seeing her picture, her new boyfriend, her awkward smile because she never loved him like she did me, but you made my heart cold and my head dumb and it's all my fault and I miss you and I messed up, so badly.

I love you so much


Because you loved me back

I'm a monster
Someone who can't recognize their reflection
I'm a horrible person
Who lies and manipulates everyone
I can't stand being like this
So ******* happy
I'm ruining people's lives
I'm hurting people
And it's the only time I remember feeling happy
So what if yeah deserved it
Who long until the people I hurt don't?
How long until someone innocent falls prey
How long can I keep doing this
Until I destroy myself

You light up the fireworks
and they soar quietly into the sky
and explode in a magnificent display
I remember a few July's back
back when I still had someone to be with
back when I thought I knew what I was doing
I'm not sure why you talked to me on the fourth
we hadn't talked all week
not ever since the incident
so why then of all nights
and why did it feel so normal?

The cups falls
pouring the saved contents abound
another mess for someone else to clean up
I'm not sure what happened
more than the normal amount this time
I can't really say I know what to do
this is different than the last time
I didn't make it happen this time
Out of the fog the inky words crept
across the land
I don't know what to do at this point
I never know what to do at this point

Allow the things that set you free
The drinks, the dreams, the people
Let them become your prison
Listen to the words of the rivers
The sayings of the trees
What does the wind whisper to you?
When was the last time you were alone
Free from every expectations barring your own
There was a whole world to see wasn't there?
Just you and me too see the world
New York to Australia
The definition of a city
The brink of the modern world
We where meant to be happy together
But neither of us were free from our expectations
Now that I've done everything we wanted
(it was always my idea wasn't it?)
I can't help but hope
That you are still around
when i get back from the brink

A minute away
is all it takes to make me crazy
a minute away
maybe you are out having fun
a room away
i like you all
a room away
take it slow
a campus away
i was never wrong
a campus away
i never wished to be this right
a couch away
you let her control you
a couch away
she wears you like a ring
a  night away
maybe ill tell you tomorrow
a night away
maybe i wont dream about you tonight
so this is the golden years
gilded *******
i hate this fake ****
its too early to fall asleep
and to late to stay awake

Vaudevillian foes
Basking in the light of deceit
You shouldn't play with peoples hearts like that
You don't know what you've done
And while most was behind closed doors
I was there when it wasn't
And I stayed blue and true
And loyalty flowed from my broken body
Like blood, as I looked at you
And now that everything is said and done
I am the bad guy
For helping a friend

This isn't for you any longer
and I need you to understand that
this is no longer for you
these words served their purpose
and for the time they did
you weren't a part of my life
but now that you are
these words are still here
they just no longer want to talk about you
they no longer whisper to me about you
they no longer need you
now?
they need to describe something new

sincerely,
to you

Carrying on and drudging on
Drowning in the lake that is now life
Semi-inflatable hair brained schemes
drowning without them
but only delaying the inevitable now
slowly letting out the air
night dawns on today's death
filling with ink webbing across the sky
blotting out the stars
snuffing the young flames before they really had a chance to burn
and as the dark wind howls across the ocean
a pious silence fills the sky

I am having a startling moment of clarity
One in which things are becoming abundantly clear
I am not happy
I have never been happy
Things just offer a temporary way to alleviate the boredom
I suppose maybe thats my problem
I'm doing everything I can to be happy while forgetting the important part
To be happy
I'm not sure where to go from here
All I know is that I don't really want to do this anymore

History flows throw acrid veins
To cause one more beat
Of the bleadings heart
Bleating heart
Rise and fall
Of iron walls
Inside the cities we build
Skulls of darkness
Cries for help
Yelled into full moon nights
Are pointless
When the moon refuses to listen
Thinly veiled words of acid
Meant to destroy
But nothing is enough
And the wallls stand strong
And Rome still stands
And the Turks still stand
And England still stands
And we still stand
We all still stand
On the cliffs of our ego

Rocking back and forth
Feeling groovy all the way
Found the one
In my head
And going for it
Quit the drugs and *****
And still ain't sleeping well
But that's just normal
Going on and doing well
Sweat pouring from my brow
As hard work makes me happy
A man about to die of thirst
Found his oasis
It's all about living
And living well
Being happy
Because why not?
Because why not?

no no no
please come back
you were different this time
I could see the future and we were so happy
I fell in love with you the second i saw you
you were everything I ever wanted
but you are gone now
and this time forever
how did the saying go?
Never fall in love with your dream  girl
Or never fall in love with a girl in your dreams

Roiling hills
/
Studded with concrete leviathans
/
carrying us to and fro
/
across this scarred earth
/
Fly by on this sunny day
/
Long ago memories
/
Of times that never were
/
History staring at or faces
/
But relegated to the back corner
/
Repetition is the word of the world
/
Destroy and build
/
Build and destroy
/
Wasting away our precious little time
/
To have something after we go
/
But time withers all away
/
And to many of us
/
Are lost to the ending

I'm afraid you think I've forgotten you
I really am busy
I kinda always planned for this
I should have told you
It's been a while since we've talked
I feel horrible
But of all the things to feel horrible about
This isn't really on the list
And that makes me feel worse
I'm sorry man
I'm so ******* sorry

All along the eastern shore
Sand crashes along the ground
We spent too much time here
This was our retreat, our everything
Sandcastles in the rain
destined to fall before it was stand
time meant nothing for us
as every drop of water to the thirsty man
is like a waterfall to the full
as long as we had each other
we were so full of ourselves
thinking this world was only for us
that we were the king and queen
instead of the pauper and the ragged
we fell from the graces of a just god
we can barely remember those times
our castle in they sky