It's not about the person who comes after you.
It's thinking there will actually be a person
after you,
because I can't fathom the idea of anyone
meaning as much as
you do.
You invade my brain.
I can feel you coursing through my veins. But I guess I need
to just face the plain and simple truth, that I have yet
to even meet 'you'.

I'm withdrawing.
Running and hiding.
You'll see in time that it's for the best.
I'm at a standstill while time is constantly moving forward
Forward moving.
I can't pretend.
I need to stop before I'm in over my head.
I'd rather embrace the feeling of wanting to be dead.
The end is always inevitable.
I don't want to wait to find out.
I'm ending this here.
I'm ending this now.
I need a drink, but instead I'm gonna take a couple sleeping pills and drift into the abyss.
Far from words that sting egos.
Far from hands of time.
That only keep people at arms length
Safe from harm.
Safe harbor.
Safe haven.
Safe camp.

Why did you choose to swoop in and prey on me?
I am but a bee, relearning to fly; never managing to learn how to use my stinger.
Which is why I always starve.
I can't feed the queen.
I can't feed myself.
I run in the colonies of those who do just fine alone.
But I surely can not be.
I was learning.
I was learning to move my little bee feet, and learning to buzz on flowers to eat, and especially learning how to flow my wings with the breeze.
You were helping me.
And then one day you decided, that it just didn't matter if I knew how to eat, or fly, or even survive.
You just left in the blink of an eye.
That's honestly the day I said **** it and died.

I felt sick, so I cut out my stomach.
Hoping that the nauseous feeling would cease.
I felt like crying, so I cut out my eyes.
Because showing emotion just doesn't suffice.
I felt like speaking, so I slit my throat.
Because choking on blood is better than choking on word *****.
I felt my heart; the strings inside, breaking.
So I let them rip, and tare a hole in my chest.
And it wasn't the lack of being able to eat, or see, or breathe and speak that even came close to killing me.
Feeling killed me.
That which feeds your entirety, when broken, has the power to end lives.

I'm writing this now, at this present moment in time, on the fly.
A million thoughts rushing through my mind.
I had a plan to do things today, that obviously didn't get done.
I took my dog out and noticed the sun.
So I pulled my hood up, and when he was done I just came right back in.
I did, however, take notice to the passing of cars and my delusional mind just hoped that you'd be in one.
That you'd feel my presence dying.
I couldn't help but look down each time, because I spent the night crying and I don't like being noticed when my eyes are shining.
Rescue me.
The thoughts I have are drowning me.
I've got myself, and a throne I've built inside a castle of ******* thorns.
Keeping everyone that tries to get close held back by my bull horns.
My difficulties, and particularity.
My drinking problem that Im trying to acknowledge as an actual problem.
I have a diagnosis, a long one at that, but I don't like to be defined by it.
I don't like to let it hold me back.
I guess if all I have for myself is to say that hey, I'm breathing today, then that should make the day okay.
But today, I'm suffocating on my sadness.
Asphyxiating thoughts are keeping me from steady breaths and it's hard to just be.
I need some ******* sleep.
It's been two days of trying.
I don't like the feeling of flying.
Dozing off feeling like I'm free falling has hindered my eyes from staying shut.
It's taking a toll.
Enough is enough.
When will this weakness stop?
Why is there a line between need and want?
Ive never wanted anything more than for someone to just walk through my door.
Presence provokes persistence.
Pull through, keep pushing.

I'm fighting for a future.
Bright.
To read, and listen, and write.
I know I speak in words untimed.
Half of my **** doesn't even rhyme.
Everything is processed and resolved
In time.
What does it mean to be human to you?
What is it like to constantly move?
What is it like to hold a gun?
On your worst days, what thoughts do you have?
Do you sit and face the facts, or run?
Speak in tongues.
Throw your hands up to the ******* sun.
And scream,
Scream at the top of your lungs.
I am human, and I, by far am not perfect.
I don't believe in perfection, actually.
Because in truth, flaws are reality.
And I've always been a firm believer that beauty is free.
I see it in the form of dead trees.
It's all around us all of the time.
All you have to do is open your eyes.
Just open your eyes.
Open your eyes.
Open your eyes.
And see.
There are deeper depths to the souls you meet.

Unbridled burning red.
Eyes.
Come what may.
Save these feelings for another day.
Maybe I should learn to pray.
Pray to a god I don't believe in.
Pray for peace and
And.
Just to keep breathing.
Shallow.
Beating.
Numb.
I'm not cold.
On fire, hot like the sun.
Rays, rays shine from that great white light.
Is this what it's like to burn?
Run, run, run.
From the trigger of a gun.
Bang, bang, bang.
The big bad wolf is at it again.
And I'm still seeing blue.
Dark blue in a grey hued room.
I'm still seeing you.
Take off the masks that the monsters wear, and you'll see,
You'll ******* see,
They are but human, too.
And we all falter, and we all fail.
To choose, over choice.
Choosing life?
Soul on soul,
Uplifting.
Forgiving.
Forgive me for my sins.
Do unto yourself as what's been brought out by them.
By them.
By men.
**** what you thought was true.
**** everything you believe in.
*******.
*******.
*******.
The opposite of what you know is also true.
**** the end and begin again.
This is not a replayed tape.
This is this.
Just what it is.
Just let it be.
It is what it is.
Believe, believe.
Free falling.
Free your mind, and you'll find me.
Please just say I'll stay in your memory.
And when the wind blows,
You'll feel me.
Lost and found.
Lost.
But you have me.
And if have turns to had, atleast we'll have that.
A piece of me will always live in you.