I took four pills in hopes I'd sink, and then took four more to **** this sting.
The ache in my chest isn't going away. I'm not fading into my bed like the usual haze.
Have I built up that much of a tolerance?
I think I need something stronger than this.
My medicine is running out and surely without it I will die.
But I've been told before that you can't die from anxiety or panic attacks.
I think that's a lie.
Because when the things I can't control come rushing in, my heartstrings rip, tear, and break.
And I know for a fact that you can die from that.
Loss of breath, loss of air, loss of oxygen.
Just sum up everything to loss.
What stage am I on?
I think there are five, but every single one I go through I think that I'll decay.
It's like a constant circle of words on replay.
Those words that affect me and hinder my day.
Regressing is not a good feeling.
Remembering is not a good feeling.
Feeling is not a good ******* feeling.
Can't I just go back to being numb?
Can't I just go back to before you lit me up with your sun.
Light shines on a corner in the room.
Bodies entwine.
But this is not a cure or a solvant for what's happening inside.
You say you're not like the rest,
But I can't help but feel like I'm the cause of this mess.
I enter lives and then they end up destroyed.
I am a walking breathing shock wave of feelings.
And everything leads back to leaving.
Run, run, run.
Be sure not to play with guns.
Or knives.
Sharp objects have to be hidden from sight.
I dare you to speak your mind.
You are confined to four walls, getting shots just to conform inside.
God forbid you have a thought in your own head.
God forbid you actually speak. But speaking reality just turns into screaming.
And then it's a battle of whits and fists.
Fighting the knots tied to your wrists.
Thrashing in a cold bed, four white walls closing in.
Please, please, please don't touch me again.
Please, I'll conform, I'll take your stupid pills, I'll pretend like I'm normal. I'll shut up and fall in line, I'll take the shot right into my spine.
I'll go limp, and fade away.
And then will come another day.
But tomorrow, don't worry, I'll have nothing to say.
I've learned my lesson I promise. I'm sorry. I'm sorry for all of this.
This is substance.
Sustanance.
This is my soul leaving my body.
This is me losing time.
I guess somewhere inside, though, there is still a fight to shine.

I wanted to say this now, because I'm ****** up on pills.
That I'm destroying my life.
Wasting my time.
And the words that you said to me still resonate in my mind.
I feel the blame is steady, on my shoulders.
I hold the weight of the world like heavy boulders.
Screams come out with no sound.
And every resemblance of a word that makes it out through my lips is just your name.
I am bound.
I am tied to the years spent thinking this could last.
I am confined to the jewelry and shoes.
Almost leading us to an altar. Almost saying "I do."
The foundation was cracked from the begining so we packed concrete into the holes hoping we could make this house a home.
But the wind blew.
And the tornado came with rays of sun.
Taking you with the four steady walls I built my life upon.
Along with the words I love you.
Because that day the tornado came and went, love died and the rain washed away any resemblance of a home.
Now I find myself homeless and alone.
And I guess I can't help but to believe what you said, that no one will ever love me more than you did.
You instilled it in me with words enforced by a song and songs.
I think it was just to make sure I'd stay numb.
And I think what hurts the most is the fact that you took flight the second you noticed me becoming strong.
I built myself up and then you were gone.

Turmoil.
The epic adventure begins.
Dead trees surround the sadness within.
Beauty is free.
Beauty is ******* free.
I'll never fall in love again, so you're just wasting your time.
Give up before you begin.
I am nothing.
I am flesh, and bone, and skin covered with scars.
My body is just a body
Use me, abuse me.
**** me, **** me up. **** me hard.
Make me ******* feel.
Make me numb.
Make me give up.
I already have.
Searching for a way out without the inevitable let down.
**** all of you.
******* all.
I don't give a **** about any one of you *****.
People are meaningless and forgettable, as are words and motions and ******* time.
Time.
Time is ******* precious and I've spent enough of it.
I'm spent.
I'm fading.
All I will ever be is a memory, if ever you even remember.
Will you remember me?
As time moves forward, memories get lost in translation.
Translating the name.
Translating sanity,
I am not sane.
I give up.
I'm pulling away, pushing closer to plan A.
I'm a fleeting thought.
I am human after all.
All those born will someday die, and die alone.
Nobody really gets anyone, nobody ******* understands.
I mean, they say they do, like they have you all figured out, but lying has come as second nature.
The ultimate lie being "I'm fine."
I'm fine, I'm ok, I'm breathing today.
I'm breathing today and I guess that's ok.
Conforming my inner self to live outwardly for others.
****.
Just give me hope.
A change of scenary.
A better thought process.
All I've ever known is dependency.
It's a shame. I preach peace, and clarity.
But really that's not me.
I am a distraught thought of past tragedy.
A tape on replay.
Half the time I'm naked, it's not you who's ******* me.

It comes in waves, the chaos, the pain. Where did everything go wrong? The fluttering flight of heartstrings getting pulled by loss. Drowning out the pounding noise my chest makes and the steady gasps for struggled breath. We are all our own savior; I am my own god.

Finger on the trigger
Freedom, run, or?
Is there another option?
Before I turn to drugs to solve my problems.
**** the noise with the bullet
Playing Russian roulette.
As if that will solve it.
The solution is clear.
Save yourself from inevitable fear.
Every time I close my eyes.
I despise myself.
Check myself, before I wreck myself.
Truth is I don't give a **** about no one else.
You think it's easy to see the things I see?
Ptsd, and i haven't even served a war in another country.
Nah, I just get ****** in my dreams.
Waking up, holding back my screams.
Endless cycle looking for a way out.
How the **** do I end this now?
In too deep, no way to sleep.
Pray for life, my soul to keep.
Stepping on these stones, one foot in front of the other I'm like a drone.
The light will surely guide me home.

The ultimate struggle of
"On Letting Go"
Repeat that five times.
Swallow, rinse, repeat.
Swallow, rinse.
Swallow.
Alcohol, alcohol.
Pills to make you feel alive.
And all your trying to do is survive
Survive.
Survive.
******* breath.
Breathe.
Don't. Do. It.
Don't choke.

Though the perception is to live free,
That whole picture perfect life is always embedded. Instilled in all of us from birth.
Work, ******* work, and strive to do that family frenzy, nice house, nice car *******. **** the normalities of society. **** being. Sometimes just to breathe, to exist, to live, all of the above is a blessing. Sometimes it's a savior for yourself, but most times it's just a form of conformity for others. We are all ******* robots, one foot in front of the other, sir. March, march, march. Is it April yet? Have I made it yet? Another year of being the least successful person, the woah is me, the pitty party. Stop looking at me. Stop ******* looking at me with those eyes that tare up my insides. Stop feeling. Stop the noise. Just stop. Just stop. Oh yay! Another birthday soon to pass. Another year to conform to the systematic resemblance of what a family is supposed to be.