i am a scribbled name
on a restaurant napkin
i am the one,
at the funeral laughing

i am a face in a crowded train
i am the memory you cannot erase

i am a pierced ******
with messy hair
and mix matched clothes

i am a scribbled name
on a restaurant napkin
i am a joke
but nobody's laughing

you are my secret
but you won't be for long
your name keeps slipping out of my mouth
a friend here
a colleague there
each time i feel a little less scared
i almost texted my sister
the most open minded member of my family of six
but i kept my mouth shut
trying to practice patience
you are my secret
but i want to tell the world
how i dream of you in technicolor
how i want to be your girl

i once asked a friend
why people leave
he said the answer lay
in my own self reflection
as though the problem
was me
if a person rapes me
and i want to know why
should i self reflect?
did my behaviour attract that crime?
what if someone hits me?
does self reflection still apply?
i suppose i asked for it
i must have started the fight
why must i self reflect
on what another person did?
is their behaviour my fault?
it seems my friend thinks it is
now i'm reflecting on the holocaust
the second world war that i created
i wasn't even born yet
but it happened
so i must self reflect

I exist outside of him
A strange concept to process
Eleven years will bind you to a man
Seperation is a storyteller
A strange concept to process
This time apart has told a story
Of a woman reclaiming her sanctuary
I exist outside of him
We are over
Alas!
I am still breathing

I read the sign on the door
OPEN.
OPEN.
OPEN.

I knock and after a pause
I see a girl smelling of roses

She beckons me inside
She offers me shelter

That's when I realise
I have found the answer

mouth, covered in tape
still, silence was conquered
noise can still be made
if you get creative

her behaviour is altered
her face painted
skin plucked
neck perfumed
hair bleached
what is beauty to some
is sterile to me
let me see the original
in it's natural form
let me know the original
before she followed all these laws
laws of beauty
that have become standard
laws of conduct
that define our character
behaviour is altered
to check a box
face is painted
but i am not

Two women intertwined
Two kaleidoscopic minds
One willing to be the teacher
In a lesson so divine
Reversing years of damage
Unlearning layers of lies
Emerging from the wreckage
A student of desire

fairy dust in the air
settling on each of them
silent understanding
lingering,
comfortable,
right.
not one of them noticed me
deliberately, in the background
casting my invisible spells
creating the comfort
they all so desperately needed
six people surrounded by isolation
in search for some sort of remedy
a cure to an ache that burns slowly
the fairy dust seeped into their skin
the comfort enveloped them
the magic was working
they all began to look like each other
the courage took hold
they each began to speak
the curse of fear broken

sometimes,
i want to spit
in the face of,
my reflection.

sometimes,
i want to tear
rebecca!
into pieces.

today,
i look at my
reflection.
i see,
a goddess!

today,
i see
a survivor!

i see
a queen!
beauty amongst the mess.

sometimes,
i am
a pathetic victim.

sometimes,
i am
a broken reflection.

today,
i let
the sunshine in.

the warmth,
floods
my skin.

i smile!
i win
i'm surviving.

take me
now
before i wake
take my choice
before it's too late
i cannot learn
what you do not teach
i cannot fight
if i believe i am already defeated
take me
now
before i wake
i will believe i escaped
if you do not tell me i was taken

he does not want to lose
she just wants to win
i don't want to be excluded
they just want to begin

he does not want to be left with nothing
she wants to have it all
i want to find out the objective
they don't want to play anymore

he has already lost
she does not know the value of what she has won
i want to unlearn the objective
the objective killed someone

he did not want to lose
she only wanted to win
i wanted to be part of something
they just wanted to exist

sometimes she does not recognise herself
she is not the same person from five years ago
back then, things like innocence were real
infedility was something other women practiced frequenty
other women
disloyal women
not her though

she feels tainted, stained
irrevocably ashamed
marked with a poisionous cheater's kiss
she wants to go back to wedded bliss
she is desperately looking for some way to fix it
to find some sort of reprieve

she stares into the ***** mirror
hearing the whisper of her old friend, Fear
telling her of the art of sabotage
an art she wishes she'd never mastered
what can I say?
vows were made to be obeyed
when she broke those sacred promises
her soul shattered just the same
so when she looks into that mirror
her reflection is a stranger
she wants to be anyone else
not this unfaithful mess of a shell
so she smashes that glass into tiny shards
it's time to move on
time to make a new start