you wanted me dead,
buried
rotting in the ground
you wanted me to sacrifice
my survival
in the spirit of goodbye
I admit to entertaining the thought
tempting as it was
but i know that my death would result in you winning
taking home the grand prize of corruption
that just would not do at all
so i chose to live on

she is a woman with a crooked smile
a lost soul lingering
taking up space
wasting time
she smiles with a lopsised grin
putting on a clown's persona
to make the load feel lighter
but the load is not lighter
it is merely hidden

hope is a fairy tale that i no longer believe in
my liar of a mother
told me hope is a forever friend
my forever friend left me
in the middle of a **** storm called
MARRIAGE.

hope was the name of a daughter,
i never had
never birthed
never nursed

hope cheated on me with bitterness
they ran off together to a land
that i cannot enter
where my strangeness is forbidden
and my name is unknown

hope is a rejection letter
that i keep receiving
the same **** words, repeated
over and over
in different cursive
by different senders

hope is a mindless drunk
intoxicated by listless lies
"i will call you"
"i will love you"
"i am your friend"
lies that i once believed
in my naive adolescence

hope is a reoccurring nightmare
a dark, hooded figure
with a noose for a head
and shovels for hands
digging a grave,
imbedded in my soul
a metaphorical black hole
representing all that i have lost

hope is a future that i cannot see
hope is a gift that i will never receive
hope is a fairy tale
a story with the happiest of endings
hope is a myth
in which i cannot believe

how to appear sane:
smile
be outgoing
surround yourself with others
talk about your health regime
even if said regime doesn't exist
never speak out of turn
never make a scene
all negative thinking must remain inward
there are other people to not be drained
never, ever, ever ask for help
don't admit you are struggling
don't say that life is hell
have a full time job
if you don't have one - make one up
if you have dared to miss some sleep
cover that **** with make up

how to appear sane:
be forever friendly to others
even if your friendliness is fake
everyone else will always know best
when you are mistreated by them
wear it.
learn to hide it.
learn to drink it.
learn to eat it.
learn to slice it.
learn to burn it.
learn to deny it.

how to appear human:
cry when your body needs to cry
sleep when your body needs to sleep
talk when you need to talk
create your own regimes
they don't have to make sense to anyone else
if your life is hell
then it is hell
how to appear sane
get rid of the myths that come with sane