A blast of the morning sun
gave my face a slap
yelling loudly "wake up hon
It’s no time to nap"

Screaming "get up from your bed
I’ve been up for an hour
Brush your teeth, clear your head
and then hit the shower

Go outside, run and play
stop all your complaining
tomorrow you can sleep all day
when it will be raining"

I remember when an *******
happened every day
gave me so much satisfaction
and many hours of play

then the frequency had dropped
with satisfaction being drab
and in fact it would have stopped
if it wasn't for the web

but now all that i see harden
are the calluses on my hands
from many hours in the garden
the satisfaction never ends

I'll write a song with simple words
for what I feel's a simple thing
There won't be any complex chords
my heart the only string

and maybe I'll sing out of tune
and also need two takes
but then again who's not immune
from making some mistakes

but one thing you might realise
is when I sing my song
You will hear these birds in the skies
all want to sing along

True friends are hard to find
that's why i have a dog
and though i don't smell his behind
I've given him a snog

While he then licks my face
and i give him a pat
We laugh about girls we used to chase
and how they all got fat

We get along so well
wagging both our tails
True friendship can be really swell
between any two males

Love is rare as gold
or like a precious stone
but it can't be bought or sold
you won't get it with a loan

Many have searched far and wide
in mountains and in streams
some have even for it died
in others stayed as dreams

and some were left with broken hearts
and thrown into the dark
then suddenly the gold rush starts
when love starts with a spark

The concept of eternity
is a little daunting
trying to grasp it's enormity
is all of my dreams haunting

The answers that I've found
are beyond my understanding
as my beliefs are formed around
a beginning and an ending

So this notion of forever
is too big for my small brain
all i can do is be clever
writing poems in a quatrain

when life throws you a bone
don't bark woof woof woof
what if no more is thrown
that would be a goof

so just look cute and happy
and you will have enough
pretending you are still a puppy
barking ruff ruff ruff

I don’t think I will ever see
a poem as silly about a tree

a tree that is great for spying
at my neighbour by the pool lying

a tree that in the shade feels nice
with trunk that's as smooth as her thighs

a tree that's perfect for a rest
where underneath i touched her breast

and also further more to boot
among its roots I got a root

and in it’s branches there’s still a pair
of her pink laced underwear

this poem made me a little hard
thank God for the big tree in my yard

Oysters taste like snot
and look like it i suppose
The difference there looks not a lot
to what comes from my nose

It seems like they are sniffed
instead of being eaten
in one move very swift
without once being bitten

There's really no solution
but to sloppily one inhale
Like the french since the revolution
been devouring the garden snail

i love my job, i really do
that's what i tell my boss
he doesn't know that none is true
and i don't give a toss

ever since my interview
which was filled with lies
my education's made up too
and the degree's some other guys

that daily meeting i go to
is usually at the pub
while the next one in the queue
is at the striptease club

at other times i'm on the phone
or breaks for cigarettes
an hour on the toilet throne
i'm placing gambling bets

so i guess it must be true
that since i started work
i hate my job, i really do
but love it's every perk

i like thunderstorms
a show that's most impressive
i like the way one grows and forms
before it gets aggressive

i like how it stands from the crowd
with it's anvil head
the mighty cumulonimbus cloud
is one cloud that's turned bad

i like it as it's getting closer
as the night sky flickers
and then arrives like a bulldozer
that you might need clean knickers

I took out sugar from my diet
a silly thing to do
I thought that maybe i could try it
and lose a pound or two

so maybe I could fit into my
favourite pair of pants
and not make some outrageous lie
they were eaten by some ants

and maybe it might also make
me tell less silly fibs
but instead I ate an entire cake
now i cannot see my ribs

Breakfast is my lightest meal
said the killer whale
My day begins with shrimp and krill
on a massive scale

Then at lunch i would grab
a more substantial dish
I usually crunch a giant crab
with a cuttlefish

But dinner is when i let loose
with a monster meal
That involves an octopus
wrapped around a seal

While all this killing is admired
i sometimes feel the shame
But there's no plankton only diet
with killer in your name

from the very first day
i knew she was the one
she turned my skies to blue from grey
and i could see the sun

and now ten thousand hot days later
she's still top of my ladder
the temperature has not been greater
and i'm not talking about the weather

"Why oh why" she cried and cried
trying on a dress
in a shop she tried and tried
without much success

all the while she swore and swore
pulling bit by bit
as she struggled more and more
into that dress fit

and when she almost did the zip
as she huffed and puffed
whole shop heard a mighty rip
and we laughed and laughed

i wish i was a fly
on your bedroom wall
so i could on you spy
and on all of your things crawl

when you're fast asleep
i could have my way
cause I'd know where you keep
your **** lingerie

I'd rub my hands in glee
when you are in the shower
i know I'd get to see
you naked for an hour

my life with you I'll spend
and have a fun filled caper
knowing today it could quickly end
with yesterdays newspaper

I need to reinvent my wheel
from going round and round
It makes my head spin and i feel
like I am nowhere bound

Every day i get more dizzy
from the same repeating
All my hair is turning frizzy
and my brain's overheating

Stuck in a perpetual roll
something has to give
before my journey hits the wall
I need to stop and live

koala sleeping on a tree
rain then started pouring
a wintry spell
the big tree fell
koala kept on snoring

something's telling me this morning
today i will be hating
i can tell from how i'm yawning
and how i'm urinating

i can tell from how i'm brushing
and from how i'm shaving
i can sense it in the way i'm rushing
and goodbye to my wife waving

something's telling me today
things might come to blows
if something someone has to say
about the big zit on my nose

They say that life begins at forty
when you slow down and get less sporty
when you stop chasing after *****
becoming serious with less LoL's
and the only thing that's funny
is finding ways to get more money
with changes in your conversation
how you could better lead our nation
introducing some new legislation
discussing what's best for constipation
which should aid in defecation
lessening your heart's palpitation...
....
but i think my life began the day
when i saw you walk my way
and with that first initial greeting
i felt my heart then started beating
and since that first enchanting glance
it continues still to dance
this happened when i was twenty two
while playing football for a team in blue

Teach a man how to fish
and he will smell like fish forever
and it's then when you will wish
your idea weren't so clever

Give a man a fish
and he will always hungry be
so stop serving it as a dish
and just order KFC

My endless search for inspiration
has taken me to many places
from looking up at each constellation
to down at my shoelaces

Sometimes on a kitchen bench
it's suddenly located
or when my right hand holds a wrench
while a bolt is being rotated

It's strange and always unexpected
when inspiration blooms
Sometimes we can all be affected
by simply changing rooms

Goodbye, you’re getting fired
Pack up all your stuff
Your contract has now expired
The earth has had enough

I gave you a much bigger brain
And removed the tail
But you only caused me pain
On a massive scale

You never learned to properly share
but like a virus breed
You stripped my land and oceans bare
With endless selfish greed

You have done nothing of distinction
causing mass pollution
then the world’s worst extinction
And called it evolution

and you started now to spread
to the moon and mars
so this contract we must shred
before you reach the stars

I should never had you hired
Maybe I was dreaming
But we are done here and you’re fired
So my earth can stop screaming

we're so tired of this rock
said the monkeys of Gibraltar
so we had a little talk
and we're moving off to Malta

we decided against Morocco
and it certainly won't be Spain
recently we saw a doco
all the apes there are insane

and we'll perish like the rhino
if that old queen has her way
moving with those great albino
fat gorillas in UK

i chose my women based on looks
not their intelligence
most were only one page books
lacking all suspense

so this time i chose wisely
with you i'm on page two
this story's going very nicely
i wonder who kills who

Everything will be OK
it will be fine my dear
just give me Tapas on a tray
and a glass of chilled Sangria

Thank you for the memories

women do not ****
till after they are married
this problem strangely doesn't start
till through the door they're carried

this happened on our wedding night
soon after our first kiss
i got an unexpected fright
from hearing something hiss

and my excitement took a slide
from odours legendary
that evening something in me died
along with our canary

before my golden sun
shines with a rusted hue
before my blue skies run
from smoke that chimneys spew

before my moon has found
no need to tame the nights
before my stars are drowned
in floods of neon lights

before a black storm looms
and acid rains descend
before my garden blooms
with concrete and cement

before my dreams are thrown
and locked in endless slumber
before i'm better known
to you as just a number

before the oceans rise
and all the forests fall
before every rose dries
and love withers with all

before this world of mine
becomes a children's fable
where once upon a time
to smile they were able

So, while sun golden shines
and skies are blue above
i ask, before i'm out of lines
who will tomorrow love ?

if i was a butterfly
i would not ask why
but flap my wings
while sunshine sings
soaring through the sky

if i was a fish
for nothing else I'd wish
but swim all day
as far away
so that I'm not a dish

if i was a man
and maybe i still can
but all i know
is words that flow
from sunshine in my pen

Today is sausage sizzle day
time to cook some snags
next to me my dog will stay
while his tail wags

while my cat's eyes will be stuck
to every move i make
hoping that with bit of luck
i drop one by mistake

the neighbours i might meet as well
from both sides of the street
finding new friends from the smell
of sizzling sausage meat

today could really spice my life
while i get hot and flustered
might even meet and snag a wife
with my home made mustard

One look in my direction
makes both of my knees weaken
My life gets an injection
that's making my heart quicken

My ears both start ringing
while I to get cross eyed
My stomach then starts singing
growling deep inside

My armpits both start sweating
as do both my palms
My lips are quietly chatting
"I want you in my arms"

Please don't think I'm nuts
with my sudden transformation
your one look makes me spill my guts
with far too much information

If there is a heaven
I'm booking the next flight
on a 747
I'll get there overnight

might even get myself a treat
and pay a little more
sitting in a first class seat
a glass of champagne pour

and i might even have another
you need to travel well
flying economy I'd rather
be going straight to hell

and by the seventh day God didn't rest
no that's when he got busy
some sauce and cheese, a chicken breast
then salt and pepper, easy

a glass of wine or maybe four
then called to all his mates
to dance their butts off on the floor
at the heavens gates

this Sunday also is my wish
for a taste of paradise
few friends, some wine, a chicken dish
then salt and pepper, nice

Side to side she swung her hips
with legs that stretched a mile
and with her lipstick laden lips
she'd strangers send a smile

All the men would stare and drool
with every step she took
and they would break each traffic rule
to get another look

All the women they would glance
and quietly whisper *****
they wished that given half a chance
their skirts could that high reach

Her each stride was so mesmerising
and in attention all engrossed
but the universe has laws equalising
as she then walked into a post

My jokes are all light hearted
lighter than a feather
none have hiccups started
or cause leakage from their bladder

No one has rolled on the floor
in stitches and in tears
no one has begged "please no more"
covering their ears

All my jokes end with no laughter
and none i have seen smiling
this is usually followed after
their fingers police dialing

The secret to a life of bliss
is sweet potato chips
I thought it might be in your kiss
but they weren't on your lips

and the more we kissed and kissed
my hunger amplified
and more and more their taste i missed
and was unsatisfied

so in my hand I grabbed a few
then made you on them crunch
and in your kiss I suddenly knew
the secret to eat lunch

I found myself in a bar
with a girl from Russia
We drank and laughed hahaha
her name was Natasha

But as we drank more and more
the laughs came to a stall
when Natasha walked through the door
and used the ****** on the wall

After the massive shock i had
I asked him to explain
Vlad hahaha laughed and then said
I'm also from Ukraine

baldness is hereditary
thanks a lot dad
thanks for being very hairy
all over but your head

though it might be from my mum
where i'll inherit more
who loves drinking gin and ***
and louder than dad snore

what if it skips a generation
and i get grandmas genes
who can wipe out a small nation
after eating beans

maybe even worse it gets
and i get most from grandpa
who suffered from tourettes
with that awful ******* temper

every outcome's diabolic
with my genetic inheritance
my future is a balding alcoholic
with no ******* friends

I've added to my bucket list
a place not ordinary
i don't know how but its been missed
from my itinerary


its not mount Fuji, its not the Nile
or Paris London Rome
but its a place that makes me smile
a place i can call home


to get there i wont need a map
and i wont need a chart
my bucket list has only scrap
on my trip to your heart

i told her i'm a poet
that i write from the heart
but my latest poem no way i can show it
it's title is "the ****"

i told her that my words are serious
and my poetry complicated
but they were written when i was delirious
and oh so heavily inebriated

i told her that i got a prize
when a contest my poem won
but she doesn't know or realise
of participants there was just one

i told her i'll write for her too
so i think i better hurry
soon as i stop farting from that vindaloo
and last nights spicy chicken curry

Maybe life is just a dream
part of my imagination
then this life i have would seem
having a better explanation

With a complete understanding
of the current situation
Why each day at home I'm spending
living in this isolation

Why I'm seeing so much harm
only nightmares might allow
My last hope rests with my alarm
because i need to wake up now

Everything we do on Earth
it's all so temporary
from the moment of our birth
to our obituary

From the ***** to the casket
were on a short lived journey
but we're adding so much to our basket
and requiring an attorney

Accumulating so much junk
could be our inherent flaw
to the next world you can't pack your trunk
I know as I studied law

Home is where the heart is
there is no journey shorter
all it takes is one quick ****
thanks to the aorta

Christmas has been cancelled
and the Easter break's in doubt
while all those holidays i have pencilled
can be all rubbed out

shortened will be my weekends
no Friday night pub crawl
no Saturday BBQ's with friends
or Sundays at the mall

from work for me there'll be no break
nil, zilch, zero, nada
my wife said this bag can't be fake
but has to be from Prada

a guy just needs his cave
that's all he really needs
and for an hour get a slave
to clean after he feeds

maybe for another hour
someone to do his cooking
he's not that good with eggs and flour
or for those utensils looking

a couple more hours would be nice
to do all his washing
and prepare a bite or slice
while his liquor glass is sloshing

and at the end of his hard day
he needs a minute maybe two
with somebody so he can have his way
that's why my cave needs you

A part of me just wants to leave
and start from the beginning
grab my hat and roll my sleeve
and give my life new meaning

Another part wants to remain
stuck in my nine to five
attached to a golden bowling chain
believing I'm alive

and then there is a tiny part
which tells me not to care
as long as I'm laughing from the heart
and have clean underwear

let's talk about the weather
a great conversation starter
makes men and women come together
from London to Jakarta

except for those in Singapore
where it's harder to be flirty
when everyday there's a storm at four
with a maximum of thirty

I made friends with a bird
at my work during lunch
Then a second and then a third
then an entire hungry bunch

They ate out of my plate
and even from my hand
Every day we had a date
at twelve thirty planned

But after daylight savings
the clocks changed all of that
I found a new friend with hunger cravings
I made friends with a rat